On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (No duh Einstein. Was it obvious?)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere)

On a hair straightener: "Do not use in water." (Yes, because I aaaalways straighten my hair when I'm taking a bath.)

FuNnIe QuOtEs

If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', then what's the opposite of 'progress'? Congress.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police. That's epic.

I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth. Oh okay.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible? Hmm, sounds familiar.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. That's my line!

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it. How is that possible?

I am not a humanitarian. I am a hell-raiser. No comment.

Heck is the place for people who don't believe in Gosh. Wrong term bro.

I'm not a complete idiot... Some parts are missing. Tell mother goose that.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not. I don't watch the news.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every-time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room? Good question, me.

Sarcasm is one more service I offer. Compassion costs extra. I feel broke now.

Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world. It is.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. Aw crap! Ish.

I will temporarily rule the world, forever. That's what Stewie said.

Life is like robbing a bank; so worth the while! Until you're arrested.

You want to know who your real friends are? Screw up and see who's still there- (A good one!!) Oh, I hope.

Let's see. My first impression: I hate you - Kakashi (Naruto) I know nothin' about Naruto.

Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there's footprints on the moon- Yea people.

Don't look at me with that tone of voice!- Wait, what?

Silence is golden, duck-tape is sliver- Apparently.

Too troublesome - Shikamaru (Naruto) So it is.

It's a wonder they haven't locked you up yet- Who, me?

A good friend would come and bail you out of jail. A true friend would be sitting there beside you saying, "Man that was fun! Let's do it again!" Oh HELL no.

Question: if some one with multiple personalities threatens to commit to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?? I don't know, just run.

Who ever said that anything was possible has obviously never tried to ski through a revolving door... YOU LIED POPSICLE!!!

He shouldn't let his mind wander, it's too little to go out on its own. Burned.

He had a good idea once, but it died of loneliness. Sorry Charlie.

"Comfort the Disturbed and Disturb the Comfortable" -Unknown. That takes forever.

-"Fiction is a lie and good fiction is the truth inside the lie" -Unknown. Not gonna argue.

Genius by Birth. Lazy by Choice. THAT'S ME!!!

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. Bad dating advice.

You've gotta die in creative ways. Said the guy who got shot in the head. Oh yeah, that's everybody.

They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a truck. Then the truck backed up and ran them over again. Did this mean my GF died?

If it's not nailed down, it's fair game. Okay, I'm goin' in!

To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy. No comment about your mom?

When in doubt, use brute force. When that doesn't work...RUN LIKE HELL! That's my second motto.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. Yes!

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Good idea!

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. Damn it!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Hmm, shoulda thought of that.

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Okay Gandhi.

I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. Sure.

You can't fall off the floor, but you can always pick yourself back up. A better summary for the movie.

Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. Like Siri, or other toys at the corner store.

If you mess with anything long enough, it'll break. The opposite of above.

Push something hard enough and it will fall. Okay Sir Newton.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. Sweet shit!

There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes! What mum never said.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. Me, again?

Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified. Oh yeah, like Scary Movie XVII!

Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. Sounds like my Spanish class in French.

Schizophrenia beats being alone. No commenter.

Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute? Because Earth sucks.

Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. ...No commenterer.

Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine. Shit! I just had a 5-Hour NRG.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity It's true I tell you!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried. Okay, bro!

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. Like America.

this is a true story. A girl died in 1933. A man buried her when she was still alive. The murder chanted, "Toma Sota balcu," as he buried her. Now that you have read this chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this on your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded. Lucillia (It's probably a buncha shit but never take chances)

MY COMMENT ABOUT POLITICS AND A CONCERT: Oh yeah America's going in One Direction, the crapper.

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity copy and paste this into your profile! XD

Anyways I feel if you like something (or someone) it's worth the effort and/or time. Cpt. Fox was the one who originally inspired me to start with this.
I want to give a special thanks to Jedelas for reading my stories. I also want to thank everyone who read and/ or reviewed either of them. Also thanks for favoriting and/ or following my stories. Sorry I'm not going to continue I want revenge, I like the idea, but I'm not the person to do it. I would like to hand it off to someone else, and I don't really want credit, but if I'm mentioned I'm still fine with it. I will read it though and review. It kills me to do it, but I will. I will cancel my own original version and give it to a skilled writer. Anyone who does over 1K words per chapter, and doesn't mention anything sexual is available to continue it.
I am so, so sorry, but it's for the better.

Sincerely, Xstar7