Hey all you out there on fanfiction! You are here for probably one of a list of reasons which I will describe for you in the following:

The List of Reasons You Are Reading My Profile

1. You read one of my stories and want to know more about this fabulous author.

2. You read one of my stories and thought it was so awful you want to know more about the idiot who wrote it.

3. You are a stalker who wants to kill me. (Let's hope not, but who knows.)

4. You know me personally and want to read up on me a bit stalkerishly just so you can tell me you read my profile.

5. You are being held hostage and as torture you are being forced to read fanfiction.

6. You want to know if my stories are any good before you read them.

7. You are bored.

8. You are a janitor who has nothing better to do than sit in the closet and read fanfiction.

9. You are a vampire scouting the internet for its next meal. Sorry, Not going to tell you my blood type.

10. You are in a mental asylum and this is the only site to which you have access.

If you have any other reason for reading this, even though I'm pretty sure I covered my bases, message me and I will add it to the list. Unless you tell me you are a stalker. In that case I might not respond.

According to options 1, 2, 3, 6 and 9, you want to know more about me. Unfortunately due to options 3, 8 and 9, I don't feel entirely comfortable giving you that information. Therefore, here is a list of things I am not.

The List of Things I Am Not

1. A balloon shaped like a puppy

2. A bottle of spray paint

3. A peg-legged clown

4. Left-handed

5. Stupid (to the best of my knowledge)

6. A terrorist (even though I have a friend who claims I am)

7. Eating my own socks

8. Eating other people's socks

9. Photosynthesizing (that rules out indoor plants) (And I suppose outdoor too...)

10. In the middle of the ocean

There are infinitely more things I am not, so of course this is just a start. You probably actually want to know more about me so therefore I'm going to make another list about myself...

The List of Things I was in Past Lives (Please note this was not all at the same time; they were separate lives.)

1. A unicorn

2. A weeping willow

3. A hedgehog

4. A fortune teller

5. Joan of Arc

6. A mud puddle (that life didn't last very long)

7. A meercat

8. Dead (Totally makes sense if you think about it. Or don't. I don't care if you're letting your brain rot.)

9. A poison dart fish

10. A dinosaur (preferably blue)

One of my self-proclaimed greatest traits is my cynicism towards the world. That is why my next list is titled...

The List of Things I Absolutely Hate With Some Brief Explanations Included (a very long title indeed)

1. Racist pigs (not actual pigs, just people who act like pigs; I don't think pigs can be racist)- just read To Kill a Mocking Bird; you too will then agree with me.

2. The sound of people eating- I even hate the sound of myself eating. I just can't stand it.

3. Sponge bob- I can't even express my hatred for this loathsome animated creature; he's just so stupid.

4. People who post pictures of themselves and then proceed to describe how beautiful or ugly they are. NOBODY CARES!

5. Those stupid copy/paste profile things that everyone has on their profile. It's like, come on, can't you put your own creativity and expression into anything?

6. Love triangles, Insta-love, and true love- Boring, over-rated, and just stupid. What's really stupid is when they're all together as in the following short story. Please enjoy. Or better yet, don't enjoy.

She locks eyes with him across the cafeteria and knows without a shadow of a doubt that he's the only true one for her. Except for that other guy she saw yesterday; he was pretty cute. But with out this new guy, her life would be over. The sun and moon and stars would never shine on her oppressive gloom. But that other guy was really cute too. She wants... she wants... a deity to decide for her, except that would mean one of her true loves would die...

7. People who hate reading- it just makes me want to sob on the inside and wonder if they had a completely awful childhood.

8. Football- I don't understand it. It's completely stupid to watch because there's too much happening at once. Actually this is nearly all sports. I don't understand why people want to watch sweaty guys chase after balls. You could watch your dog do that.

9. Math- what more needs to be said?

10. The smell of vinegar

Here is my disclaimer for all stories: I don't own anything. The reason I don't always write author's notes is not because I don't love my readers, but because it screws with my perfect word count. Therefore, I plead you to review, not because they make me warm and fuzzy inside to know that people actually read what I write, but because I want my writing to be better and develop as my story moves on. I hate people who beg for reviews, so this isn't begging; this is me asking for your feedback to improve. Thank you.

I also Beta-read if anyone is interested. Check out my Beta profile for more details.

And to conclude, a poem I wrote. I'm not really sure what it means, let it speak for itself. It's written in pantoom style.

Hiding Place

Where it all begins

Hidden in the crevices

Buried so deep

Beyond the darkening shadows

Hidden in the crevices

A melodious sound

Beyond the darkening shadows

Comes the ominous voice

A melodious sound

So sweet on the tongue

Comes the ominous voice

With a wary word

So sweet on the tongue

Yet bitter going down

With a wary word

All turns sour

Yet bitter going down

The memory fades

All turns sour

Light becomes new

The memory fades

Buried so deep

Light becomes new

Where it all begins