I'm planning on putting most of my stories through revision because it's been so long since I wrote anything so please be patient with me, thank you.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (what other kind of soap is there??)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (a little too late, huh?)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Really? I had no clue!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (Um... ok??)

On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to...?)

On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (No duh Sherlock)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Was that a popular problem...?)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief

"I will unleash my cookie fury!!!"-Explorers of darkness

"They say the pen is mightier than the sword. I say LASER ARROW!!!!!! Take that you stupid pen. As for the sword, CREATIVITY! Have fun with your block of ice."

"When life gives you lemons make lemonade, wait until summer, sell the lemonade, and use the money to buy ice cream."

"Some people are driven to insanity, others aren't so lucky, they have to walk."

"You always have to watch your back when Xana never dies!"

"Life is like a ripe cookie." -Odd the Great

"Oh shit. Romeo's dead. That's a shame." -Kelly/Axel. Copy and Paste this if this is one of your favourite quotes.

You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power. What Power? The power of voodoo. Who do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the babe. THIS IS GETTING YOU NO WHERE DAVID BOWIE QUESTIONERS!

DUDE LOOK LIKE A LADY! -Aerosmith.

QUOTES ON STUPIDITY
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Some people are like lava lamps. Fun to look at but not very bright.
Some people are like slinkies, they're good for nothing, but they sure make you laugh when you push 'em down a flight of stairs
Don't be so humble. Your not that great.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be?
Somewhere, we're depriving a village of it's idiot.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Everyone has a photographic memory, Some people just don't have film
I’m not saying you’re stupid I’m just implying it.
Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill them.
People like you are the reason why we have middle fingers.
Sarcasm. It's easier than actually having to deal with stupid people.
If aliens are looking for INTELLIGENT life why are you worried?
I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

Just when I think you’ve said the stupidest thing ever you keep talking.

QUOTES ON MY INSANITY

People say that I have totally lost it. I wasn't even aware I had it.
Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust?
I hear voices in my head. But that’s alright. Most of them are pretty nice.
The world is full of crazy people. They made me their leader.
I used to have super powers but my therapist took them away.
Normal people scare me….but not as much as I scare them.
Sanity? I never had such a useless thing to begin with!
What is this “normal” you speak of? Stay away I don’t want to catch your “normal”!
Pssh. Normal is just a setting on the washing machine.
Of course I’m out of my mind! It’s dark and scary in there!
If I’m out of my right mind, my left one is gonna be pretty crowded.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every second of it.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
At least 5 inanimate objects hate me
I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!
The world is out to get me. Hide me in your closet and don’t let it find me.
Arguing with yourself is normal. It's when you argue with yourself and you LOSE that it's weird.
Normal people make good pets.
Yeah! I love wearing straight jackets, too! I get to hug myself!
The voices in my head may not be real but they still have pretty good ideas...
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
You're just jealous because we act retarded in public and people still love us!
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends. No offence guys.
I am in my own little world but it's okay. They know me here.
A B C D E F G, I will kill your family.
My imaginary friend thinks you have some real problems.
Don't aggravate me, I'm running out of places to put the body's.
I am getting sick and tired of slitting the throats of the people who say I'm a violent psychopath!

The more I think about it, the more I’m sure I’ve lost my mind. But crazy people don’t know they’re crazy so I guess I’m okay. But thinking I’m okay because I think I’m crazy is saying I don’t think I’m crazy so I may be crazy.

QUOTES ABOUT ME
You're intoxicated by my very presence.
Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over.
For the millionth time! I can't go to Hell, they have a restraining order against me!
If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out.
I did not hit you, I just high-fived your face.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
It doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong, I'm still the one with the gun.
I’m an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.
You think I’m a loser. But I’m the most awesome loser you’ve ever met!
I’d explain it to you but your brain would explode.
I am who I am. I do not seek your approval.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.
I like you. When I rule the world, you death shall be quick and painless.
It’s you and me against the world. We attack at dawn.
That which does not kill me…should run. FAST.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
Between two evils, I always try to pick the one I’ve never tried.
I don’t lie. I create fiction with my mouth.
I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones.
I believe no problem is so large or difficult that it can’t be blamed on someone else.
Everyone has a wild side; I just prefer to make mine public.
I have Sarcasm, what's your superpower?
I never repeat myself, so pay close attention the first time, because I never repeat myself.
Who cares about hugs? I’m going to tackle you when I see you!
Life is like a corndog. I just haven’t figured out why yet.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on!
My best friend say that I'm the type of person who'll spend hours trying to drown a fish, but they love me to death anyway.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing!
When it rains on my parade, I bust out my slip n’ slide.
You say I run like a girl, and if you run a little faster, you can too!
Everyone needs to believe! I believe I'll go watch some more anime
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
Some see the glass half empty, some see it half full. Me? I just want to know who’s been drinking my soda!
We’re best friends. You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge… I pick out the funereal arrangements.
I want a man that when I come running up to him with tears streaming down my face, the first thing he says is, "Baby, whose ass do I have to kick?"
I give you this rose and hope that you, unlike this rose, will not be cut down in your prime and your corpse displayed as a sign of affection
Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the moon!
I run with scissors….it makes me feel dangerous
Love me or hate me. Personally, I could care less.
I'm not afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of the ninja's that hide in the dark.
Can't stand me? Then sit down.
You're a good friend, but if the zombies come, I'm tripping you.
"I called your boyfriend gay and then he hit me with his purse."
You think you're all that and a bag of chips. Well I'm all that and a bag of skittles. So taste my rainbow, bitch.
Don’t walk in my footsteps. I tend to walk into walls or off the occasional cliff.
My thermometer is sick! Get the thermometer…oh wait…
I do it because I can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn't :P
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
Don't mess with me I've got a stick.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
My personal motto, 'If you can't beat them, join them; if you can't join them, kill them; if you can't kill them, blow them all to kingdom come!"
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
If it wasn't for physics and law enforcement I'd be unstoppable
I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!
Sometimes I Wonder, "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?" and then it hits me!
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it. *sizzles*

I’m bored…run for your sanity.

QUOTES OF ADVICE

Never do anything you don’t want to explain to the cops or paramedics.
Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful
Only you can change my life no one else can do it for you
You cant expect people to look eye to eye with you if you are looking down at them
People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care
Best friend's are the sisters God forgot to give you
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Be a loser! Because being cool is soo overrated!
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much
Where negotiation and diplomacy fail, high explosives substitute nicely.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor's cute, screw the fruit!
You don't have to be faster than the bear; you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
If your going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Beware the flying donkey, falling from the sky. You can choose the way you live my friend but not the way you die!
There is no shame in not knowing. The shame lies in not finding out.
Promises mean everything, but once they're broken, "I'm sorry" means nothing.
You have to take the good with the bad, smile when you're sad, love what you've got, and remember what you had. Always forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change, and things go wrong, but just remember: life goes on.
There’s nothing better than a good friend except a good friend with chocolate!
Chocolate is better than boys. Why? Because chocolate can't get you pregnant.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
When all else fails bring out the duct tape.
One way to figure out how things work, push all the buttons!
A stranger stabs you in the front, a friend stabs you in the back, a boyfriend stabs you in the heart. but true friends only poke each other with bendy straws
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you’re a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
In a world full of cheerios, be a fruit loop.
Give a person a fish and feed them for a day, teach ‘em how to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks!
If two wrongs do not make a right, try three.
Color outside the lines, it really pisses people off
Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you’re up to.
Always take the time to smell the roses but remember sooner or later you’re gonna inhale a bee.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup!
Never argue with an idiot. They’ll just drag you down and beat you with experience.
Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the doorbell and run. He HATES that.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need vodka and snow (Hetalia)
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Hard work never killed anyone - but why take that risk?
Early to bed, Early to rise makes people suspicious...
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Junk is something you throw away three days before you need it.
When in doubt, Mumble
If at first you don't succeed, failure might be your thing.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to be too astonished.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If at first you don’t succeed- skydiving isn’t for you.
If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor...
There are very few problems that cannot be solved using a large amount of explosives.
It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel... of course, it's usually the oncoming train
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse

I’m not so good with advice. May I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

THINGS TO PONDER

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
People who say anything is possible, obviously have never tried to slam a revolving door
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
He gave her twelve roses. Eleven were real and one was fake. He said I'll love you till the last one dies.
Sir, you are like a pin, but without either its head or its point.
Why be difficult when with a little effort you can be impossible?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to make a camp-fire?
If you have an open mind why don’t your brains fall out?
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
BRB, my fish just drowned
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people
Drunk driver run through stop signs; High drivers stop and wait for them to turn green

If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con' then what's the opposite of 'progress'?

FACTS OF LIFE

Slinky Escalator = Endless Fun
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
All the good ones are either dating someone, married, or fictional characters...
The shinbone: A device used for finding furniture in a dark room.
The trouble with life is that there's no background music.
Those stupid kids should just give that loopy rabbit some Trix already!
Girls are 10% sugar, 10% spice, 80% bitch so you better be nice.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who takes a step back to admire his work
The person who smiles when something goes wrong has found someone to blame it on.
Life is a job. Death is the Lord's way of saying, "You're fired." Suicide is human's way of saying, "I quit." Immortality means, "I like my job."
Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back.
Curiosity killed the cat, but remember, cats have nine lives.
Enjoying the "Great Outdoors" would be better if it were great.
Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.
It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire lifetime to forget them.
Absinthe, like LSD only legal!

Stupidity killed the cat, Curiosity just got the blame

MISC

Bad Spellers of the world, untie!
If you are a cereal killer, GET THE HECK AWAY FROM MY CHEERIOS!
ROTFLOLASHTINCBISAGOWO TTARUTDIAIOA: Rolling on the floor laughin out loud and so hard that i nearly choke but i see a glass of water on the table and reach up to drink it and im ok again
ROTFLSHVUAKOMAIL: Rolling on the floor laughing so hard Voldemort uses Avarda Kedarvra on me and I live
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Joe: Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies.
Welcome to the Dark Side. Are you surprised we lied about the cookies?

Conclusion: The place when you got tired of thinking

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...