http://www.fictionpress.info/undeadraptor

Why hello there, how are you? I can't hear you and I don't care. No I do! I don't.

Oh I'm sorry, that's just my automated greeting that my profile plays when someone arrives. Now I'll write this to make a more personal message. Well you made it through the minefield that is the Internet, and you stumbled across this page! Or maybe you were seeking this page, and after a long quest to find it you have reached your goal! Congratulations! Now go home.

I understand these are difficult times for fanfics. We're cursed with being bogged down in Twilight, cheesy Happy Tree Friends love stories between Flaky and Flippy (though there are some amazing HTFs out there, I point to one called Orange Juice in particular. Read it damn you!), the Russian Roulette that is iCarly fanfics and of course... the worst crossovers ever. Michael Bay is spinning in the grave I made him, I've seen Transformers cross over with Halo, Ace Combat with Harry Potter and even Call of Duty with My Little Pony. Now granted some can and will be executed well, but I mean seriously.

I'm a depressing guy to be around. My voice is the number one cause of suicides, I am directly responsible for 450,000 suicides every second.

It has come to my attention that some authors are disobeying/ignoring the rules of this website. And, because I view myself as someone reasonably important (above the average Peasant -not pheasant, but they count too), I'm gonna stick my big nose in and sneeze this out for ya:

Here are a few of the rules that are being ignored (probably):

You are forbidden to write your stories using a SCRIPT format. That is not a story. It is a play (like Macbeth, or The Simpsons). Is this so hard to understand? (Shh, it's okay - took me some time too).

You are forbidden to write stories about REAL PEOPLE in an unrelating fandom. That's right. No 'Jonas Brothers', actors/actresses or famous authors (namely JK. Rowling). Honestly, people. Although, some fanfic "authors" have really managed to pull it off, so... go figure?

You are forbidden to write 'interactive/choose your adventure/truth or dare' kinds of stories. They're not fanfiction. And they usually suck ass. Ass isn't nice to suck. Probably.

I hope that this information is helpful. I would hate anyone's work to be deleted by admin (ouch). If I see you violating any of these rules, it is 99 percent sure that I WILL inform you in a review (if I can get off my ass and reach over my cluttered desk to the keyboard, that is). Don't bother sending me sad PM's if I tell you you're wrong for breaking the UNBREAKABLE LAW OF FANFICTION. I don't give a shit. I'll give you a carrot, though.

The Angriest Reviewer Ever

I'm serious. This a real review I found while browsing lazily around the world of fanfiction. Now, before you judge it too harshly, hear me out - this review was obviously written during a moment of great passion, and personally, I found it heart-warming and funny. And I just knew somebody like you (you sensitive soul, you!) would be able to appreciate the delicate humour and subtlety! Oh, and before you jump in, please beware, sugarpies: this review has a LOT of foul language (all the more endearing!). I ask that all mothers and underage kiddies look away. I do not wish to poison your fresh minds with this... deviance.

I QUOTE:

"Pay the fuck attention, Bitch! Go fuck yourself, you son of a bitchy, ugly, gay slut!! I fucking hate you shit-face cunt! I wish you would stop writing these fucking stupid, moronic, bitchy, shitty stories, you piece of crap!! When I read you stories I want to fucking go to France, find you, and fucking beat the shit out of you! You ugly whore! Go lick the shit out you ass, like you always do, ya bitch! you fat bitch, yeah I said you fat, yeah I said your fat, your a fat bitch! Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you with something hard and sand-papery! How dare you ruin my favourite story with you complete piece of shit! Fuck you, you fat Bitch! You fucking whore!! You Prostitute!! I heard you fucked your friends of the same gender of you!! Your a embarrassment to your country!" - An Uncredited Poet

Wow.

Now, here's the happy "PaP" version! All the parts I've 'fixed' are in normal writing like this! (not like this)

"Pay the appropriate amount of attention, man! Go probe yourself, you son of a doggish, visually unimpressivehappy entrepreneur!! I really dislike your poopy-face, fool! I wish you would stop writing these jolly sillysillydoggishsomewhat awful stories, you piece of poop!! When I read your stories I want to spontaneously go to France, find you, and severely cause you harm! You ugly entrepreneur! Go lick the poop out your bottom, like I assume you always do, ya unpleasant female personYou big-boned metaphorical girl-dog - yeah, I said you're plumpand yeah a second time, I said you're robustand just to be perfectly clear, you're still a tubby girl-dog in a purely metaphorical senseProbe you, probe you, probe you with something hard and sand-papery! How dare you ruin my favourite story with your complete piece of poop? Probe you, you chubby bad girl! You fornicating entrepreneur!! You prostitute!! I heard you serviced your friends of the same gender as you!! You're an embarrassment to your country!" - PaP remix

I think it's better this way. :3