We have an announcement!

But I'm afraid you'll find it a somewhat unwelcome announcement. As you might have noticed we haven't been updating very often lately. Mainly because we've been busy, blah, blah, blah. You get the picture. Over the next eighteen months we will not publishing anything. You can blame me for this. See, Fern and I will only be writing if we're writing together. And I will be out of the picture for 18 months. I have decided to serve a mission for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. In a few days from posting this I will be in the Missionary Training Center. And after that I will be in Nevada. (Perhaps you'll see me. I'll be one of those crazy girls wearing name tags.) For 18 months I will be completely devoted to serving God. Which means I won't be looking at this site during that time. I'm excited to go though. What I know about Jesus Christ makes me happy. Since it makes me so joyful, I want others to have the opportunity to hear about it.

I would like to add that I'm very proud of Zab. Since I'm married there is no danger of me going on mission, for about 50 years give or take a decade.For anyone who is interested I am willing to give updates on how Zab is doing. All you have to do is ask.

WARNING: You are now entering the profile of fernazab. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Another Warning: This profile contains quirkiness and digressing conversation of two people who think they're funny. (Keyword being think. We probably look like a couple of wackos. But that's okay; life's more fun that way.)

The "Royal We" note: You might notice that every author note refers to the author as a "we." This is not a royal we nor a mistake. It's a joint account. Our pen name is a mesh of our typical internet aliases. Fern and Zab are different people. Occasionally, we will refer one of us or the other specifically, depending on who's typing the message. This is actually Zab typing this. I am fairly possessive of the typing bit.

Fern would like to interrupt this message to ask: can you guess who wrote what in our stories?

Zab notes that Fern wants to italicize everything she writes. Oops, I gave away what she writes in the stories. She was very possessive over those few words. (Just kidding. But yes, she will write her author notes, profile, reviews, and replies to reviews in italicizes. Edit: Well, actually my reviews and replies won't be italicizes as it won't let me... ah well:p) We should create a game for everyone to figure out who writes what in our tales! How shall the system work? Just give points every time somebody guesses correctly? And take away for incorrect guesses? I'll come up with a point system.

Warning should you take up the silly game: some paragraphs and even some sentences are not written by only one of us. (Dang, that means we'll have to remember exactly which words come from which person. That will be hard. We can do it though! Fern, maybe you shouldn't have said anything about that to them.) Considering the fact that we've written it all down in separate notebooks... I don't think keeping score will be a problem (assuming anyone bothers to play). Of course they want to play! Right everyone? :P Ah, I didn't consider the notebooks. Besides, even if we'd written in the same notebook, no one would confuse our handwriting. You don't write in cursive. Ever. Not true I use cursive all the time. Why I used it on Friday. I wrote my name:p

Now on a more serious note (somewhat), the reason we have joint account is because neither one of us could imagine wanting to write fan-fiction flying solo. (Yes, we have come out of the digression... maybe.)

RANDOM PHILOSOPHIES ON WRITING:

(Because of course you're interested. Right?)

1) Self-inserts. What type of self-inserts? Romantic? Just say no. Extra hero (especially the type that eclipses the main characters)? No. No. No. Zab, I'll hide under the bed if you ever do either of those things. And I'll never come out! Oh, and your favorite teddy bear, it's coming with me. What if I do self-insert buffoon and self-insert pointless trouble? Yes! YES! That is how we do things around here.

2) Mary Sue. We had better not accidentally do that to you. Technique for avoidance: minimalize any OC's part. Yes, we can't always do that, but we try.

3) OC Romantic Interest. If that happens, don't expect the OC to live very long. Yep, we're bad. No, we're just defenders of canon... Sometimes.

4) Alternate Universe. Fair warning: In our stories, AU almost always means death, destruction, and horrors untold. We don't do fluffy rewrites! Unicorns and rainbows will NEVER suddenly pop out because we altered the situation. That is, unless it's Crack! If it's crack, we don't use the AU acronym.

5) Profanity. We don't cuss. But, we recognize that many characters do cuss. We usually find some way to gloss over swear words. If we have to be direct, then we bleep out the word. For example, if zebra was a swear word, then zebra would appear like this: z-- (Yes, I don't know why, but Zab has been trying to make 'zebra' a cuss word for years. You know where liars go, right? To get candy!)

6) Shipping. Usually canon. See shipping section for more details.

7) Purely Romance Genre. You've met us, right? Of course they haven't! Anyway, it's unlikely that we'll ever write that. We write romance as a sub-plot. To make it the full plot takes more skill than we have. We give props to anyone who can write well-written romance. EDIT: We wrote a romance one-shot. It's called "George Falls in Love."

(Eh, that's all we can think for now. We'll probably foist more opinions on you later.)

SHIPPING:

Note: Technically, we should put up our "Legend of the Seeker" ships, but is there a ship other than Richard/Kahlan for that? I guess maybe Zedd/Cara... Ewwwwwwwww...We liked the Cara/Leo... But Leo is dead. Sooo...

Arthur/Gwen(Merlin): We are fiercely protective of this ship. To the point that we hate Lancelot (hate might not be a strong enough word). Arthur and Gwen are so stinkin' cute together!

Merlin/Freya(Merlin): They were cute together. However, we really hope Merlin moves on. Seeing as Freya is dead. He deserves a nice girl. Aw, but we don't think he'll get to keep any girl (whether we like her or not). The show looks rigged against him! Poor Merlin.

Merlin/Morgana(Merlin): So... we've been falling deeper and deeper into the dark side on this one. It probably won't leak through too much. *cough* Yeah, whatever. I saw that thing that you wrote ahead of schedule. Shush! We haven't written the first chapter for that.

Agravaine/Morgana (Merlin): We have dubbed this ship "Morvaine." Admit it, you know Agravaine is totally lusting after Morgana.

Lancelot/Elena(Merlin): We were more serious about this before season 4. It would have made a nice, cleaner of solving the triangle. Besides, in legends, he was sometimes married to an Elaine. Or, in some cases, she was pining for him.

Uther/Catrina(Merlin): Okay, okay. We're kidding. Just checking to see if you're paying attention. But few things get better than Uther marrying a troll. Then you get to tell Uther to hit the "deserved it" button.

Leon/Morgause(Merlin): Yeah, we blame Kitty O for this. We've loved "Moron" ever since reading "A Knight Charred Armor." Ooh! read that and then rewatch "The Coming of Arthur." It will change your life!

Katniss/Peeta(Hunger Games): Well, Peeta is cooler than Gale in every way possible. Even when he was crazy, Peeta was better than Gale. And Katniss is okay. She's the only girl you get to know very well. But really, she's just okay.

No slash: It ain't our cup of tea. 'Nuff said.

You might notice that we have a tendency to go canon in our shipping. That is because that is usually how we like it (not just with "Merlin"). For example, we if ever started writing "Harry Potter" fics we would be very hard core Ron/Hermione and Harry/Ginny. However, that is not always the case. It is rare for us to prefer off-kilter ships. But it happens! We used to watch "Heroes." (We're not writing anything serious for that show. Unless you can convince Fern to do it alone. I refused to watch the fourth season.) We loved Peter, but we hated the girls he chose. It was sad when we started to Peter/Elle. "No Peter, don't go after the druggie-lover. Simone has no brain! And don't go after the Irish thug. We don't care if you have amnesia. But please, by all means, go after the sadistic sociopath who spent months electrocuting you." A little ironic? (P.S. This druggie, Isaac, is the same actor who plays Lancelot. That also might be playing into our hatred. With the exception that we didn't like Simone, there are many striking similarities between the Peter/Simone/Isaac triangle and the Arthur/Gwen/Lancelot triangle.)

STORIES:

{MULTI-CHAPTERS IN PROGRESS}

"Crossover Blues" (Merlin/Legend of the Seeker): It's a huge irony that this is our first story, but we'll discuss that later. Maybe:p Anyways, this story includes protagonists that can't get along. Mahahaha! It's set in the middle of season 3 "Merlin" and near the end of season 2 "Legend of the Seeker." Highlights (so far): Kahlan gets embarrassed by a highly inappropriate job-offer (she had it coming), Richard mistakes a unicorn for a deer, Merlin accidentally enchants himself, Arthur flings mud around his room in retaliation, Zedd and Cara argue over the driver's seat, Arthur and Merlin are forced to listen to stupid rumors, Morgana thinks she can hold an agiel, Merlin is gagged by his own neckerchief, and Morgana smirks!

"It's Tired and I'm Early" (Merlin): It's a collection of Crack! one-shots. We started this as a challenge. Each chapter is based around something we say or hear in the morning. And, of course, it all takes place in Arthur's room. (Where else?) There is one thing we want made clear: Story no build! Story no build! That's right, we run around with an OOC stick and memory wipes. Highlights: Uther sings! Merlin reveals his magic... absurdly :)

"Arthur Punches Lancelot!" (Merlin): The title says it all for the first drabble. (No, the affair hasn't happened in this fic.) That drabble is basically every Arwen shipper's dream come true. The author's note of the second drabble will explain our plans for the rest of this fic.

"A Prince Reads Popular Books" (Merlin): Chapter one: Arthur gets coerced into reading "Pride and Prejudice." Before we're done with Arthur, he will have read several well known bits of fiction with varying results.

"I Feel Your Pain" (Merlin): Over the years, Arthur has gained quite the reputation for being almost impossible to kill. And, as usual, someone would like to off the prince. So to get around having to fight with Arthur, his would-be-killer comes up with a plan. Attach the prince's life to a significantly weaker individual. Arthur's would-be-murderer discovers the hard way that Merlin is harder to kill than Arthur.

"Epiphany" (Merlin): Any drabbles that don't fit under "Touchy Feely" or "Arthur Punches Lancelot!" will be dropped here. Drabble #2: A bright red cloak works wonders as a disguise.

"I Don't Know What Come Over Me" (Merlin): The characters are under going impulses to do things that they normally wouldn't do. 1#Chapter: Poor Merlin is now freezing cold, because he shirked his duties to do something else.

{COMPLETE PILE}

"How To Burn Your Hair" (Merlin): We hate chapter one. Chapter two is waaaaaaaay funnier. Unfortunately, you have to read chapter one to understand chapter two. BTW ignore the title. You won't get any tips on how to properly burn your hair. (Also, chapter one hasn't been changed for one reason: it's a trophy. Yes, the piece of writing we dislike the most is a trophy. This is the only fic we've written that our younger brother has admitted to liking. He laughed his guts out! [He constantly tells us that we're insane because of fanfiction.] Anyway, if your humor is akin to well-behaved teenage boy's, then you'll actually like chapter one.)

"On the Enemy's Terms" (Merlin): Set after season 3. Morgause and Morgana engineer how the reveal happens. They make the situation bad enough that Merlin even finds himself borderline suicidal. This is our most popular fic to date. We warn you that the ending is open ended. So, we MIGHT write a sequel.

"Touchy Feely"(Merlin): Morgause touches everything. So we thought that we'd make fun of her for it, via drabbles.

{ONE-SHOTS}

"Throwing Things is Reasonable" (Merlin): This is actually one of our personal favorites. (Yep, we're tooting our own horn on this one.) Arthur gets a rationale for why he rudely chucks things at his servant. And some emotional trauma... This is set in "Gwaine" because we're sure that we are not the only ones angry about Arthur chucking that gauntlet.

"That's It!" (Merlin): Revenge on Arthur? Ha! I don't think so! Inspiration for this came when I nearly fell down the stairs. Oh, and it's Crack! We can't tell you what happens... because I thought Fern was insane when she explained the idea. This was me: "[Insert Fern's real name] no. Just say no." It sounded ridiculously stupid to me. Then she wrote it, and I fell in love with it.

"Wagers and Liars" (Merlin): Merlin makes a bet with Gwaine. This wager is all about Merlin's talent for lying. And Gwaine is waaaaaaay too hung over to realize this is a bad idea. Set after season 3.

"Laws of Protocal" (Merlin): Crack!fic. Arthur is asking for Uther's permission waaaaaay too much. It's just not practical what he's doing! (After writing this, we wondered if we've watched too much Monty Python.)

"OverComplicating Everything" (Merlin): Arthur is a prat that has learned of Merlin's magic. Merlin is now wondering whether Arthur knowing is a good or a bad thing. And Merlin forgets to tell Lancelot and Arthur that the other knows Merlin's secret.

"Day of Death" (Merlin): AU for "Queen of Hearts." Gwen ends up getting burnt at the stake. Arthur goes dark and psycho. This probably the darkest piece we've ever written. If you like your DARK! Arthur, then this is for you.

"A Study of Motives" (Merlin): The result of having way too many discussions about what drives each character's actions... So, when we're talking about something completely different we end up with this... So, if you read it... please don't kill us...

"Why Scooby Got Arrested" (Scooby Doo): Yes, it's Scooby Doo. Don't kill us! We're making fun of it! Writing this is the result of our little brother watching far too much of that brain rot. (Erm, if you love your Scooby, you might want to disregard these comments and this story all together.)

"Come Away" (Hunger Games): This takes place after the epilogue. A little boy decides to sneak a peek at the paintings that his daddy (Peeta) hides.

"Dungeons and Stocks" (Merlin): "You're going to the stocks tomorrow." "So? You're going to the stocks too." Arthur and Merlin are in Camelot's dungeons. But they're innocent, right? Well, at least Arthur is ;] (This is currently our most popular one-shot. Woot! Woot!)

"Undue Credit" (Merlin): Morgana is giving her "new" nemesis way too much credit. No really, she is. Crack! fic.

"That Flea-Bitten Runt" (Merlin): Merlin acquires a puppy... much to his chagrin.

"How Merlin Deals with a Toad" (Merlin): This might have been the product of not being able to sleep and then deciding that it needed to written at one in the morning. So, Merlin finds a toad in the place of Arthur.

"It's Your Fault!" (Merlin): Merlin is blaming some of his woes on Gaius. But why? Is his accusation groundless? Or does it have some creditably?

"George Falls in Love" (Merlin): Remember when we said that we are unlikely to ever write a romance? Well, we might have just eaten our own words due to the power of suggestion. Gwaine's sister arrives in Camelot(Much to Gwaine horror) as part of an entourage of nobles from a neighboring kingdom. And George the efficient servant finds her very attractive.

"Car Pretzels" (Twilight): Our insistence on being overly logical has struck again! Ah, don't have hard feelings. We're not really bashing Twilight. We're just pointing out a hole in Meyer's logic. We like pointing out logic holes no matter whether or not we like the story.

"He Is Your Destiny, And He Is Your Doom" (Merlin): The Cailleach's prophesy comes true. Post-series ficlet. Character death. Crazy!Merlin. Implied Mergana.

"She's Just a Child" (Fairy Tales): Snow White lovely and fair as she might be... Never had the opportunity to grow up. Now her prince charming finds that he married a woman with the mentality of a seven year old.

"A Frog's Offence" (Fairy Tales): Finding out that a man that you thought was a frog slept in your daughter's bed last night? Happy? I think not.

"Sherlock's Thoughts On Murder" (Sherlock): Sherlock's thoughts on others belief he might go bonkers and off some random person.

"Death Without Victory" (Merlin): Wump! Character death! Camelot is doomed. Merlin is helpless and dying.