Hey everyone. If you care, here's my life story.

My parents can go do something vile. They were drugged up alchhol abusers since I was 9. It was around that age they made me my last meal, tucked me into bed, kissed me goodbye before school. I basically raised myself. They hit me a lot. I still have scars. Call me stupid, call me emo, but I did try cutting for a while. I stopped pretty quickly though-- WHy add to the pain? When I was old enough to move out, I used the money I had saved to go to community collage. My parents decided they wanted to try some more ecstasy and my mom ended up preggers. She was high through the pregnancy, so my sister, now leagally my daughter, has only three fingers on her left hand and only four toes on her left foot. They went to jail and I went to court for primary custody. I had to drop out of collage to get a steady job and support Valerie, my little sister/daughter. She's just hitting two now, and she's the most gorgeous baby I've ever seen.

Life sucks.

Name: Samantha (Sam)

Age: 19 (20 in two months)

Gender: Female

Lives: On Neptune. Joking, Canada.

Things I love: Three days grace, my chemichal romance, bullet for my vallentine, system of a down, Gypsy stuff such as Tarot and palmistry, The colour Black, My "daughter" Val, My cusend Victoria (Leah Hunter on fanfiction... Check her out!) Writing, and reading.

Things I hate: Drugs, Alchohol, abuseive people, child abuse, clones, preps, jocks, the colours pink and white, racism, fake people, and my parents.

Most of my stories will probably be for Twilight. It was a very good book, but I didn't like it so much. I write in twilight because the characters are so easy to play with :) I might also write for my sister's keeper, any of Ellen Hopkins works, And the darkest powers series. Enjoy.

I have nothing against blonds, but these are hilarious!

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license??" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration... what's that...?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes." replied the officer.

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.

"Uh... yes." replied the cop.

"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What!! I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer..."

DIRTY JOKE ALERT! NOT FOR THE KIDDIES!

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Q. Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A. Because on the box it said from 2-4 years.

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and the other was named Timex. Her friend said, "Who ever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Did You Ever

When you were little, endure
your parents’ warnings, then wait
for them to leave the room,
pry loose protective covers
and consider inserting some metal
object into an electrical outlet?

Did you wonder if for once
you might light up the room?

When you were big enough
to cross the street on your own,
did you ever wait for a signal,
hear the frenzied approach
of a fire truck and feel like
stepping out in front of it?

Did you wonder just how far
that rocket ride might take you?

When you were almost grown,
did you ever sit in a bubble bath,
perspiration pooling,
notice a blow dryer plugged
in within easy reach, and think
about dropping it into the water?

Did you wonder if the expected
rush might somehow fail you?

And now, do you ever dangle
your toes over the edge,
dare the precipice to crumble,
defy the frozen world to suffer
the sun, thaw feather and bone,
take wing to fly you home?
I do.

THIS IS NOT MY POEM. I TOOK IT FROM SOMEONE'S PROFILE, BUT IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO AND I FORGET WHO. IF IT IS YOURS, PLEASE TELL ME SO I CAN GIVE YOU CREDIT OR TAKE IT DOWN.

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put 10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the 10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.

"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".