Hey there!

I'm 'The Archaic One' -slightly pompous and OTT I know-...so call me Tai:)

Please read on...

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Dear Civilian,

Welcome.

Please wait quietly for your highly personal information and bank details to be processed by our computers. While you are waiting please read the following transcript.

"The Point of No Return"

'The Point of No Return' is a highly secretive military operation which began on the 18th of January 2010 under the direction of myself and my loyal serva- team...yes, team, here at T-A-O Headquarters. It is a priority one mission, issued outside of the government that has absolutely nothing to do with extraterestrial activity or the monitoring of Area 7, which is not found underground north to north east of the Golbi desert, next to that nice little palm tree and lake. As I said, it is top secret. In all state of purpose we do not infact exist. This is, infact, all just a figment of your little overused, underpaid and unnourished minds.

We do not exist.

We would also like to say that we hold no affiliations with any cults or brotherhoods, including the Masons or Illuminati, and neither are any of us scientoloigsts or extremists.

We do not, I repeat, do not read Dan Brown's 'The Da vinci Code' or have any financial connnections with the fast food franchise McDonalds. Neither are we one big entity or robotic systemtry which is planning to take over the world and destroy all of mankind.

And may I repeat...

We do not exist.

Under the passing act of #453 and under juridical law of #6654, and with the pressuring of my overbearing and slightly neurotic mother- and not at all to do with funding cuts - we have been forced to allow specially selected groups of people onto this highly secretive premisise. You, civilian are such a person. With the amount of money you are paying, and will continue to pay, we promise that no harm will come to you during your stay at T-A-O Headquarters. No experimentation will be allowed and I myself will personally introduce you to my vicious and bloodthirsty bull terriers which I have trained to track and kill offending mercenaries.

If you are lucky, they may like you and not feel the need to kill you the next time you happen to be walking by.

Despite these assurances however, my highly paid lawyers, some of which have nearly sent me broke and bankrupt, have suggested that I still say the following to protect my generous assets. And so I say this to any unsuspecting or innocent civilians who are currently within the confines of the headquarters and reading this:

No loss of mental capacity or sanity or grasp on normality experienced while visiting the headquarters is refundable, taxable, compensatable, claimable, returnable, sueable, or anything not mentioned above. If you still feel the need to argue your case however, please feel free to take it up with my friendly neighbourhood ,yet oh so secretive, lawyer, who can be found right outside that 10 story building window to your left.

To make everything perfectly clear we, at T-A-O Headquarters, do not encourage or promote suicidal thoughts nor actions. If you feel that the previous statement has been an unremmiting and offendable notice and a breach of conduct and rights please talk to my delegations minister, who can be found down the stairs, to the left, through the fire doors on the right, through two more iron casted doors and a bulkhead, down another flight of stairs, through an escape hatch on your left and up a chimney found due west of the buildings water fountatin. It is quite accessbile and clearly labeled; please wait quietly in the waiting room until you are called because here at The Point of No Return, which does not exist, we respect people and as we like to say : 'Every opinon is as valued as the next...'

Ha.

ha.

ha.

If problems happen to arise and for some reason you find yourself incapable of finding the easily findable and accessible previously mentioned room please take your situation up with the head of my health department who will conduct a brief examinary test, after which you will be found clinically insane, be immedietly kicked from T-A-O headquarters, and your family and yourself tracked and monitored on a daily basis for a period of one year commencing the afore mentioned foot to ase action. Please take no further action to make contact with the headquarters during or after this time period or more serious steps will be taken. If you believe that going to the media will bring you justice, we assure you that we will change your name to Brittany Spears, and we will have you committed.

Please do no underestimate our world wide influence or power.

Note: The health department can be found next to the bio waste hazard area that is, inturn, next to the highly senstive experimentation room. Do not make the mistake to enter either of these rooms as we will not be held responsible for anything that may occur.

And I assure you, something will occur.

With said occurences withstanding however, we hope that you enjoy your time here at T-A-O Headquarters. We know that we do and always will. We like to instigate a family like enviroment within both work and non-work related areas which means that you will always be looked out for from both other workplace members and by myself.

Big Brother is watching you.

In this case, think of big brother as like a cuddly teddy bear rather than a sadstic sudo-psychotic killer with the need to always be in control and sit in a darkened room, sharpening an axe and repeating 'my precious' to himself.

Okay?

Great. Now, by this point your peronsal details will have been processed and consequently been wiped. All knowledge of you will have been eradicated from all previous system bases and all and any money from your bank accounts will have been transfered to our own to keep you aliv- to contribute to the big happy family for the duration of your time here.

From here on in civilian, you do not exist, just as we ourselves do not. Do not try to make contact with previous family members or try to return to previous residentry or you will be detained by afore mentioned brutal four legged friends.

After you finish reading this transcript, please place it within the supplied incinerator to your left. From there please select the blue pill, found on the counter before you, and then enter the door to your right. A tracking device will then be inserted into your left forearm as a precautionary measure. Do not be alarmed however. Just as everything else here at T-A-O Headquarters, it does not exist.

Furthermore and finally, to clear up another subject that has been circulating the nets and been under quite alot of debate and scrutiny lately:

The cake is NOT a lie.

Really.

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