Please Note:
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED
Apparently, you told Santa that you have been good this year.
He died laughing.

For the stalkers

Name: Fat-Boy. This name has a bit of history actually. One day when I was seven, my brother started calling me this to try lowering my self-esteem. It worked. And the name just stuck. And the way I see it, that's his form of endearment. NO ONE STEAL IT!

Age: ... not that hard to figure out.

Appearance: 2 eyes, a nose and a mouth. Oh! And I also have 2 antennas on my head. X3

Location: Classified, because I'm a wanted person/alien/thing in New Zealand, Mexico, Pluto and Atlantis... And my geography teacher knows where I live so i don't need anyone else hovering around my house...

Interests: Long walks on beaches... Pushing people in front of buses... Daydreaming of Edward Cullen... Adding peoples' names to my hit list... Faking UFO sightings... Writing shit like this...

~Top Reasons To Date a Soccer Player~

1. They have the right touch.
2. They are used to scoring.
3. They can go in soft or hard.
4. They will make you scream for more.
5. Sweating is no problem.
6. Skill is definite.
7. They will play anywhere and anytime.
8. They can go for 90 minutes in at least 11 different positions.
9. They have tremendous stamina & endurance.
10. They always are on the top.
11. They are not afraid to get down and dirty.
12. They have good ball skills.
13. They play the field until they score.
14. They know how to take it down the middle.

25 reasons I owe my mother

1) My mother taught me to appreciate a good job done (If your going to kill each other go outside, I just cleaned up)

2) My mother taught me Religion (You better pray that comes out of the carpet)

3) My mother taught me about time travel (If you don’t straighten up, I’ll knock you into next week)

4) My mother taught me logic (Because I said so, that’s why)

5) My mother taught me more logic (If you fall out of that swing and break your neck you can’t come to the store with me)

6) My mother taught me foresight (Make sure you wear clean underwear in case your in an accident.)

7) My mother taught me irony (keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about)

8) My mother taught me about the science of osmosis (shut your mouth and eat your supper)

9) My mother taught me about the weather (that room of yours looks like a tornado went through it)

10) My mother taught me about contortionism (Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck)

11) My mother taught me about stamina (You will sit there until all that spinach is gone)

12)My mother taught me about hypocrisy (I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate)

13) My mother taught me about the circle of life (I brought you into this world and I can take you out)

14) My mother taught me about behavior modification (stop acting like your father)

15) My mother taught me about envy (there are millions of children in the world who don’t have great parents like you do)

16) My mother taught me about anticipation (Just wait until we get home)

17) My mother taught me medical science (If you don’t stop crossing your eyes their going to freeze that way)

18) My mother taught me about receiving (Your going to get it when we get home)

19) My mother taught me about Esp (put your sweater on, don’t you think I know when your cold)

20) My mother taught me about humor (when that lawnmower cuts off your toes don’t come crying to me)

21) My mother taught me genetics (You’re just like your father)

22) My mother taught me how to grow up (If you don’t eat your vegetables you’ll never grow up)

23) My mother taught me about my roots (Shut the door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?)

24) My mother taught me about wisdom (when you get to be my age you’ll understand)

25) and my favorite: My mother taught me about justice (One day you’ll have kids and I hope they’re just like you)

MURPHY’S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright

Until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something

Right, there’s a 90 probability you’ll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be

Stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the

Fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he

Will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of Jury duty

A Bunch of Quotes

“I love Nudge, Nudge is a great kid, but that motor mouth of hers could have turned Mother Teresa into an ax murderer,”~Max

“For God’s sake, Nudge, my ears are bleeding!”~Iggy

“Nope,” I said. “We’re kinda low-tech than that.” Like, having Kleenex would be a huge step up for us. ~Max

‘I vill now destroy de Snickurs bahrs!’ Gazzy barked.”

‘We look identical. She even had identical scars and scratches. She was wearing my clothes. How could you tell us apart?’ (Max)
He turned to me and grinned, making my world brighter. ‘She offered to cook breakfast.’” (Fang)

“’You were designed to be very smart, Max,’ she told me. ‘We electrically stimulated your synaptic nerve endings while your brain was developing.’ (The director)
’And yet I still can’t program my DVD player,’ I said.” (Max)

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger, Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die”- Mel Brooks

“Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something.”
- Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull’s team chemistry being overrated.

“The only place where success comes before work is in a dictionary.” - Vidal Sassoon

“Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?” - Paris Hilton

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” –Bill Watterson

"A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left"- (Marilyn Monroe)

"And you can quote me on the quote, unquote"- (Dane Cook)

"Love is when two people who care for each other get confused"- (Bob Schneider)