Unspoken Rules of the U.S.S Enterprise

As every attentive cadet knows, Starfleet has rules covering the running and etiquette aboard ship. However, every Starship has its own unspoken rules- a set of guidelines that every member of the crew acknowledges and that work for that particular set of people. As a senior cadet, chosen for a three month tour aboard our flagship, the First Officer of the Enterprise wishes to present you with this list of unspoken rules and things that are not spoken about in general. Please pay close attention.

One: Our Chief Engineer is not brewing moonshine aboard ship. (You will avoid talking about the particular smell aboard ship that seems to be coming from engineering).

Two: Ensign Chekov is an Officer, and thus, is your superior. He is not "a cute, curly haired human tribble," nor is he "a puppy dog eyed piece of jailbait," whatever his physical appearance may suggest. Be advised, he is now legal, and Starfleet does have regulations covering harassment, if the command crew doesn't get to you first.

Three: Even if he makes it an order, it is not a good idea to help the Captain avoid any check up issued by Dr. McCoy. Dr. McCoy has been described as a "ninja with a hypo." Aid the Captain at your own risk.

Four: Captain Kirk, Ensign Chekov and Commander Scott are NOT to be given sugar at any cost. If the Enterprise has to spend another three weeks in space dock being repaired because of a slip up like this, you will find yourself filling the post Mr. Scott left vacant on Delta Vega. (Addition: Your neck will be sore from all the hypos you will receive.)

Five: You will not ask Mr. Sulu to show you his sword in a suggestive voice, particularly in front of Mr. Chekov. (See next rule).

Six: Mr. Chekov has received "the talk." There is no need for anyone else to give it to him. (You can give it to him if you wish, but please be advised, Lt. Uhuru will not take kindly to anyone making him uncomfortable or to anyone trying to drop hints at the young Ensign.)

Seven: No matter how drunk you think Scotty is, he can get drunker. You will not challenge him to a drinking competition, because he will drink you under the table. He has plenty of experience and a good supply (see rules one and eight and if further clarification of this rule is needed, please speak to Dr. McCoy and Captain Kirk).

Eight: Dr. McCoy, while a doctor, is not the first and last resort for a hangover cure (unless he was involved in the night's proceedings).

Nine: You will not beam animals onto the ship. If you find a chicken and two ferrets somewhere on board, alert a member of the security team.

Ten: You will not question the relationship between the Commander Spock and Lieutenant Uhuru. Both can be scary when angered.

Eleven: Mr. Scott is not an expert in the area of zombies. If anyone is aware of where this notion came from, please inform a member of the crew.

Twelve: Listed below are names and things you cannot say to those people-

Scotty- zombies and pub.

Chekov- Terminators

Sulu- MILF

Nyoto- blue, tall, tail.

Thirteen: Do not believe the Captain when he tells you he knows yoga.

Fourteen: If you see Mr. Chekov running through the halls shouting "I can do that", get out of his way- someone's life depends on it.

Fifteen: The same goes for Dr. McCoy running through the hall.

Sixteen: You will not talk about Lieutenant Uhuru's "talented tongue." Especially in the presence of the first officer.