Chapter Eleven

Lily woke the next day to Harry crying, Severus was still deeply asleep, as he would remain until the spell she had put on him was countered. She picked up Harry and fed and changed him, before laying him back down on the bed and placing the safety spells around him. She then turned to Severus and gently stroked his head. She wished that he could continue to sleep peacefully, while she worked in the other room. Still she knew that his nightmares would return and she didn't want him to suffer. She wanted him to have the respite, while asleep, that he wouldn't allow himself once he woke.

She hesitated a moment, before kissing his lips. He mumbled something and she smiled down at him. She knew what he had done, but she also knew that he had no choice but to do it. He too was a victim in all of this, being forced to take another's life. She wished that he would never have to kill or torture another person again, because she saw how it affected him. She knew that Severus didn't like to kill others, or torture them. His choices had been taken away from him, by Lord Voldemort.

She decided to make him breakfast in bed and left a monitoring charm in the bedroom, as she went to the kitchen. She cooked for them, before levitating it back to the bed, she then muttered the counter spell and his eyes flickered open. He stared at her and she smiled at him. "I thought it might be fun to eat in bed today."

"I don't feel like eating, thank you though Lily." He said and she looked into his eyes.

"You need to eat Sev, punishing yourself won't bring back that boy. He was going to die anyway, you know that, it wasn't your fault."

"How can you say that when I killed him?"

"Because you had to Sev, not because you wanted to...Because you had no choice and to save your own life you ended his. I know that this will always hurt and I can't imagine your pain. At the same time you need to live, so that boy's death wasn't in vain."

"What would you know of killing Lily, how would you know what it feels like to take a life?"

"I don't Severus, but I want you to know that I don't think you are a monster. Voldemort is the monster, not you...Never you." She said and smiled at him, he stared at her a moment.

"Thank you Lily, but a boy is dead because of me."

"A boy is dead because of Voldemort, if you could have saved that child, you would have. If it had not been you, it would have been someone else. Someone who might not have had the kindness to make it quick and painless." She told him and he stared at her.

"How can you say that? How can you believe that, when a boy is dead because of me."

"Sev, you need to eat, you can't punish yourself like this. Hurting yourself won't bring that boy back."

"But Lily..."

"No Sev, you eat and then we'll go out to Diagon Ally. I need a break from staying in the house all the time anyway."

"Its not safe, not until the Potters agree to swear not to harm you or Harry." Severus told her. "I will go to the bonders and make the potion, then we can go out tomorrow."

"Are you up for making potions today Sev?" She asked.

"Brewing distracts me from the things I've seen...And done." Severus replied. "Right now I need a distraction."

"Alright Sev, just don't push yourself too hard." She told him before taking one of Harry's hairs, Harry started screaming as she conjured a small bag and handed it to Severus. He took it and she calmed the baby, by rocking him until he settled. She then fed him and was surprised that his eyes didn't close after he had eaten. "Well Harry, why don't we get one of Daddy's potion books and read together." She said and smiled at the baby, before walking into the other room and selecting a book at random. She read to Harry, until he fell asleep again, she put him down on the couch and set the protective spells around him. She then went to the kitchen and decided to bake, she made brownies and apple fritters. She had always enjoyed baking and often did it when she was upset. She then remembered a potion that she had seen, she knew that Severus would never forgive himself and decided to make it. It was a potion that made someone forget the last twenty four hours. She finished the potion several hours later and took a small vial from the cauldron. She then poured the vial over one of the brownies and put it on a plate. Severus came back from the brewing looking exhausted.

"Sev, come try these brownies." Lily said from the other room and handed the one she had spiked to Severus, he ate it mechanicaly until his eyes closed and he swayed slightly on his feet, before falling to the ground. "Severus!" Lily said and Severus' eyes opened, he groaned and sat up.

"What happened, the last thing I remember was trying to help Draco." He said confused.

"I think Voldemort cursed you, you haven't woken for the last twenty four hours. I finished the potion for you and took Harry with me to the bonders. I was so afraid Sev, but there was nothing I could do and I needed to make sure Harry was safe."

"Its alright, I'm fine and that's what's important. Where is Harry anyway?" He asked.

"He's on the couch." Lily replied and he smiled at her, before going over to the baby and picking him up, he bent and smelled Harry's head, before kissing him on the forehead.

"I don't know what to do Lily, I can't stay loyal to Voldemort, not after what he almost did to Draco. Its clear that he isn't sane and I don't want my godson to grow up around that monster. Yet at the same time, I don't trust Dumbledor, or the order."

"If he really did threaten Draco, he's more insane than anyone has realized. I don't know much about the wizard world, but I do know that threatening someone's heir is a grave offense. You would have to be crazy to threaten a little boy." She said and Severus nodded. "I'm sure you can think of some way to protect Draco and yourself. I just don't want you to get hurt Sev and this is tearing you apart. I've heard the nightmares you have, no one should have to go through that."

"My nightmares are my own, you shouldn't consern yourself with them Lily."

"How can I be anything other than conserned, when my friend is obviously in pain."

"Is that truly all I am to you, a friend?" Severus asked and Lily stared at him, she saw the hurt in his eyes.

"I don't know Severus, but after James I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone for a while. The thought of loving someone frightens me, no matter how much you tell me you aren't like James. No matter how much I tell myself that, I still feel scared when I think of loving a man again." She told him and his arms wrapped around her.

"I know I said that we could just be friends, but this feels right. I want to hold you, to sleep beside you every night...To kiss you and know that I'm yours and you're mine and we'll always be together." He said and she knew how hard it was for him to say those words. Growing up Severus had been taught not to show his emotions, but around her he was himself, he laughed and he cried. "I'm afraid too Lily, you aren't the only one. I love you so much Lily, it feels as though I always have and I'm afraid that you will never be able to love me back. That you can't love me because of what Potter did to you, but know no matter what happens I will always love you."

"Oh Sev." Lily said.

"Don't, just don't...I don't need your sympathy, I need you. Before I met you only my mother really cared about me, or was kind to me. You're the only one other than my mother, that I could trust to see me. I need you Lily, its like your my air, I can't breathe without you. I don't live, I just exist and I'm tired of just existing, I've done it for so long." He said and then turned away and walked from the room, Lily stared after him. She was hurting him, by her indecison, she was hurting a good man, because she couldn't be strong enough to get over what Potter had done to her. She stared after him, longing to have him back at her side and she watched in silence as he went to his potion lab to brew. She then turned from him and started to cook dinner, a few minutes later Harry woke up and started crying.

She went over to the baby and fed and changed him, before taking him with her into the kitchen. She finished cooking with him in her arms and knocked on the door to the potion lab. "Severus?" She called, but didn't hear an answer. "Sev, dinner is ready." She told him and again there was no response. "I'll just put a warming charm on it then and you can eat it when you get hungry." She offered, before leaving and going back to the table. Harry was staring up at her and she smiled at him, before starting to eat.

After she cleaned up everything but Severus' plate, she decided to read some and wait for him to exit the lab. She read for several hours, but he didn't come up. Finally she decided to open the lab door, she set Harry down and unlocked the door. She saw Severus standing over a cauldron stirring, tears running down his cheeks before they vanished. "Sev, you shouldn't be brewing that now, come up and get some food." She told him gently.

"Now you care?" He asked, his voice seemed broken, she had broken this proud man.

"I care about you Sev, of course I care about you." Lily said and went over to him. "You know the dangers of brewing while your emotions are high, you should wait until you calm down."

"Calm down? How can I be calm, when there's a dark lord forcing me to brew horrible potions? When I'm in love with my best friend and she doesn't love me because another man decided to hurt her? How can I be calm when people I care about are in danger? When I'm on the wrong side of the war and with no way out? Tell me Lily, how can I be calm."

"I don't know Severus, but you shouldn't be brewing at the moment. You don't want to botch that potion now and you need to eat." She told him gently. "Come on Sev, a stasis charm should hold it, until you've eaten and gotten some decent sleep." He stared at her in bewilderment. "Working till you drop from hunger and exhaustion isn't going to help anything or anyone." She added and held out her hand. "Come on Sev, I'm tired and I can't sleep very well without you anymore." She said and he stared at her. "I stared sleeping in your bed, to comfort you, but it comforts me as well and I think that I wouldn't get a proper night's sleep without hearing you snoring beside me." She said and he sighed, before casting a stasis charm and following her to the kitchen. He sat down and ate his meal and cleaned up the last dish.

"That was good, thank you Lily." He said and she smiled at him, before going to her room to change. She finished changing and picked Harry up from the couch, cradling him gently in her arms, as she walked to the Severus' bedroom. She knocked on the door and he answered it a moment later, he was wearing his pajamas and he smiled at her. She felt her her heart melt, from just looking at him. He seemed so fragile in that moment, someone just asking to be loved. She laid down in the bed on her back, with Harry on her stomach and he laid down beside her, on his side and wrapped his arms around them both.

"Goodnight Severus."

"Goodnight Lily." Severus replied and closed his eyes, it was strange to her how safe she felt in his arms. Soon Severus fell asleep and Lily cast the sleeping spell to make sure that he wouldn't wake up. She gently ran a hand through his hair, pulling back to smell the familar scent of brewing gel. She smiled softly, before removing his arms from around her and picking up Harry. She set him off to the side and turned on the lights. She watched Severus sleep a moment more, yes this man was someone she could love. If she allowed herself to get over James Potter and what he had done to her. James could no longer control her life, she wouldn't allow him to control who she loved either. She hesitated a moment, before kissing Severus' lips gently. The warmth filled her up inside and out, she loved the feel of it. It had never been like this with James, she had never felt the rightness of it when she kissed him. Severus mumbled something in his sleep and she stroked his back gently, until he was quiet once more. She hesitated a moment, she needed to get over her fear, to do that she needed to touch him, to feel how unlike James he was. She slowly caressed his face, it was so different then James'. It was angular, rather then round and the nose that stood like a tall peak in the center of it. She hesitated a moment, before pinching Severus' nose and laughed as he snorted, before snoring loudly through his mouth. She hesitated another moment, before kissing him, letting go of his nose, as she felt his mouth. His mouth remained open, while she kissed him, feeling inside his mouth with her tongue. Here too he was different then James, kissing Severus felt like the most natural thing in the world to her.

She backed away and smiled at him, he looked ridiculous with his mouth open like that. She then cast a levitating and unbuttoned the top button on his shirt, she felt his shoulders, they were skinny and had a bit of muscel to them, but not as much as James had. She felt his arms next, they were skinny, but also strong from brewing. His fingers were longer then James' had been, she felt each one gently, before moving her hands slowly down his back. His skin was softer then James had been, she moved her hands to his frount. James had a six pack and had been hairy on his chest, Severus however was smooth. Severus sighed softly and she smiled, watching him sleep. She then moved to his feet, they were more sensitive then James, as he laughed in his sleep and tried to pull them away from her. She would have to remember that in future. She then moved up his legs, Severus' legs were strong and she felt the muscle, but again James had been more muscular. She hesitated once she got to his upper thigh, she didn't feel right about touching him intemently, so she stopped. She knew now that his body was nothing like James'. She gently laid him back down and took Harry, putting the baby on her chest and casting the protective spells to make sure he was safe, she then closed her eyes and fell asleep.