Saruman's Best Weapon

Disclaimer: I don't own LotR.

Prologue

Saruman watched through the Palantir as the Fellowship, or what was left of it, collapsed after leaving the mines of Moria. Aragorn tried to hurry them along. "So, the Ranger is not distracted even when one of their own dies. Hmm. Perhaps there is another way to stop them, or just slow them down." The White Wizard thought for a moment. Then, a sly grin spread across his face. "I believe it is time to summon my best weapon I have avaliable." He whispered a few unintelligible words into his staff. A bolt of light shot out from it. Five girls appeared from the light. Four kept their balance perfectly, but the fifth tumbled over and out of sight. She quickly got up and joined the other girls. Saruman said, "Do any of you know why you are here?"

One of them giggled. "Liek, of course not! How could we?"

"Perfect," he said under his breath, adding in a louder tone, "Are all of you Lord of the Rings fans?"

"Sure!" the same girl answered. "Only because of my Leggy." She sighed dreamily.

"What? You, liek, like him? Bory is teh bestest, hottest guy ever! He shouldn't have, liek, died!" a second girl exclaimed angrily.

"You all are clearly forgetting teh most cutest dwarf in, liek, the history of movies! Gimli." Another dreamy sigh from the third girl.

"But what about the hero of the whole movie? Frodo, now he's, liek, the cutest hobbit ever!" the fourth interjected.

The Boromir fangirl looked at her strangely. "What's a hobbit?"

The girl who had fallen over shook her head. Saruman looked at her. "And what about you?"

Her thoughts raced. This is Saruman! He must have an evil plan for these fangirls! And for me! Aloud, she said, "Gornie is teh bestest, hottest guy ever! He shouldn't have married taht elf chick! She didn't deserve him!" Inwardly, she cringed at what she was saying. Still, she knew that if she played along, she might be able to help more.

Saruman whispered into his staff again and the girls changed. The Legolas fangirl's hair (which was painfully obviously dyed blonde) lengthened and became a normal platinum blonde color. Her ears became pointy and she was wearing a pink elvish dress, too. The Boromir fangirl's clothes changed into pink Middle-Earth clothes too. (Thankfully, her hair was naturally blondish.) The Gimli fangirl got a lot shorter and grew a beard and was dressed in dwarfish clothes colored, of course, pink. The Frodo fangirl got shorter, her ears became pointy, her hair became naturally curly, and her shoes disappeared. And of course, she was wearing pink. The girl pretending to be an Aragorn fangirl's clothes also became medieval style clothes, and she shuddered inside at the amount of pink on her body. They all had weapons like their favorite character.

Saruman whispered into and waved his staff again, and all five girls disappeared.