Stuffing her recently worn clothes into a duffle bag, Julie prepared for Maggie's arrival. Today, she'd leave resistance headquarters for good. Over the past several days, Sean's attitude toward her hadn't improved, and she could hardly treat him or stand in the same room with him without being insulted.

She shoved the past weeks receipts into the garbage can (there'd really been no need to keep track of expenses. She'd just done it out of habit.) Along with the receipts went Steve Maitland's contact information.

In her suitcase were packed memories of these past few years, along with more clothing. She kept out a photograph of her and Donovan on the makeshift nightstand near her cot, undecided of whether or not to take it. It was a reminder of plans unfulfilled. She packed two, unwrapped Hershey bars… one with almonds and one without. And they too were a reminder.

And every time she thought to reconsider her stance against getting back together with Donovan, she reminded herself of the situation with Sean.

I still love Mike, she admitted to herself. A part of me always will love Mike… And he still loves me. What fools we were, trying to maintain our relationship during the war. We talked about marrying when the war ended. And here the war is over and… I'm leaving.

Don't beat yourself up about it, Doc, Julie thought, the way Donovan probably would tell her. She felt the tug of sadness under her eyes and a few tears escaped, as memories of her miscarriage haunted her. She hadn't been trying to become pregnant last summer. Rumor had it that human birth control had been tampered with by the Visitors. And though she and Donovan had occasionally discussed having children, they'd both known it was something that had to be put off until after the war.

The baby would've been due this month… I was almost a mother… Having recently celebrated her twenty-ninth birthday, with little fanfare, Julie was aware she didn't have very many years of child-bearing left.

She thought of the child she'd briefly hoped for… A boy with dark hair and green eyes like his father, and a sweet personality, unlike his big brother.

Squinting against the tears, Julie asked herself a question… If people have souls, then where to miscarried babies go when they die? Back to where they came from? Does the soul of a lost child live forever?... Maybe Donovan and I still have a child and we'll meet him … or her in the next life…

"You almost ready?" Donovan asked from the doorway behind Julie.

Wiping the tears from her eyes, she turned around and looked at him. He stared back at her.

"I can come back," he said.

She sniffled. "I'm okay."

"Well, you can tell yourself that, but you never could fool me." He stepped over and smoothed the moisture from her cheek. "You're just unsure of yourself now, but in a few months, you'll be settled and have a new life."

His arms enveloped her, warm and strong. Instinctively she put her head on her chest, wondering, and what about you Mike?

Just like old times, Donovan responded to Julie's gesture with a kiss on the forehead.

He drew away. "I have every confidence that Maggie will take great care of you. I'll call and check up on you in a few months… if you want."

She looked into his eyes as he spoke to her, resisting the urge to kiss him. There he was, just being Mike Donovan, always caring, always sincere. In a way, she wished they didn't still love each other the way they did, then they could remain great friends.

"Oh, you don't have to check up on me." She chuckled. "You have Sean to keep you occupied."

"Sorry, I guess I've gotten used to… worrying about you."

I love you too, Mike, she thought feeling the tears well up in her eyes. I love you and I can't say it. And you just think I'm a fool because of what happened with Steve.

The tears spilled over.

Donovan hugged her again, this time harder. Julie thought for certain he'd kiss her, tell her that he loved her and needed her to stay. Instead, he nuzzled his cheek against her forehead.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

She knew she couldn't just say nothing or lie to him. "I don't know if I'm made the right decision, leaving so soon. You need me here for Sean…. I feel selfish." She sniffled.

"He's not your burden to carry, Sweetheart. I never meant for it to be that way."

You didn't mean to always put him first… He's your son, you have to. "It's okay, I understand. I would've expected you to be the same way, had we…" she broke off realizing, it was pointless to talk about the child they almost had. And it wasn't fair to bring up something they'd created together, so sacred.

His eyes narrowed into a quizzical stare, "Had we… what?"

"Not um… lost the baby."

"Well, maybe it wasn't meant to be."

She knew he didn't mean to sound insensitive.

He arched his eyebrows. "You weren't thinking about us, were you? I mean things not turning out the way we once hoped."

"Don't you?"

He stepped away from her, as if uncomfortable with the accusation. "Yeah. Then I remind myself of that conversation we had a few months ago."

Her words. He had to remind her of her words, that it was her choice, not his. And had it been his choice, they wouldn't be having this conversation now.

"You didn't accept it though," she said. "What's with the Hershey bars? You knew they'd remind me and you were trying to get to me so I wouldn't leave you… and Sean." She realized she was speaking louder now, almost yelling at him and that if she carried on this way, then the conversation would no longer be private. Willie and Thelma sat in the adjacent room.

As if on cue, Donovan closed the door, shutting himself and Julie in her room.

"Maybe I did, but not deliberately," he admitted. "I'm sorry I made you feel confused. Funny, I thought you said there wasn't anything left between us, that you didn't feel about me the way I felt about you. "

"You know it wasn't just about you, it was the stress of the war, working for Bates, becoming a fugitive. You and Margie… Sean. My miscarriage…"

He doesn't need to be reminded of everything… How we hurt each other… the arguments.

"You forgot to mention how you were really thinking about me when you kissed Maitland."

"Mike, I regret that, I was just confused… really I was."

He chuckled, sarcastically.

Angered by his insensitivity, Julie considered telling him to leave, but she didn't want to end things on such a sour note.

There was a knock on the door, even as Julie continued to wait for Donovan to further respond, and she hated the fact that they were being interrupted.

"What is it?" she snapped.

"Only your ride," Maggie answered.

"Give us a few minutes, Maggie," Julie said.

Wordlessly, Donovan started to gather her things.

"I'm not ready yet," Julie told him.

"No, no, no. I think you should leave. I think we've said enough to each other."

"Put my stuff down."

When he didn't follow the command, she said, "Please."

He returned the items to the floor.

Julie held her arms out, but Donovan didn't return the gesture.

She hugged him anyway, tight as she could and said in a barely audible whisper, "I loved you, and I'm sorry it didn't work out."

He stayed silent for a moment, as though he didn't know how he should respond to her. "Say something," she begged.

"I love you too, Doc," he gave her a pat on the back, turned away , then picked up the suitcase and duffle bag.

Julie didn't miss the present tense of his words. She wanted to return them, but didn't. She picked up the photo on the dresser, the one of her and Donovan in one another's arms and held it out to him.

"You keep it."

With a shake of the head, he opened the door and carried her belongings into the common room.

Julie sat the photo on the dresser. She didn't dare throw it away like the plans she'd made with Donovan. There was a small selfish part of her that needed to know he wouldn't forget her.

-END-