Kim's P.o.v.

He never saw. He never realized how bad it really was. He never realized how tired I was becoming. He never realized I wasn't me. He saw the scars, and he would ask what happened. I would tell him the same thing. It was just the cat, I'm fine. I promise. I never wanted to lie to you, but I never wanted to hurt you so badly. You wouldn't have understood. You we're so blinded by love. You never realized that while you loved her that it was killing me. You never realized that every time you came to me to talk about her, that it was killing me. I knew that I shouldn't have fallen for my best friend. I knew that you wouldn't love me, and I knew that it would never work. I knew that you loved her, yet I kept thinking that maybe you would feel the same way, but you don't, and I can't change that. I knew that you loved her, but I never thought that you would leave me in the dust. I never thought that I would mean nothing to you. I never thought that it would only take you a day to leave. I held onto you for so much longer. I never thought that it would be that easy to leave. I never thought it would be that easy to say good-bye. I never thought it would be that easy to let me go.

Because sometimes it does help. Sometimes it is worth it to forget, and sometimes we do want to get out of this place we call hell. Sometimes it is that bad, and sometimes it does help to run a blade down your wrist. Sometimes it is worth it to not be able to feel all the emotions that you've tried so hard to keep inside. And sometimes were so far gone, that it doesn't matter. The scars never leave, and you try so hard to cover them up, but the makeup wears off, and so does the fake smile. Everything you've tried to hide washes off when you're alone. You run some water over your face, and everything comes crashing down. You fall to the floor with tears running down your face. You tell yourself one last time, but it won't be, and you know it. You know that you never chose to hurt yourself. It just happens. You lose control over your body, and watch as everything falls to the ground. You watch the scars fold together, and the blood fall down your wrist. You tell yourself that the scars will leave, and so will the pain, but the scars don't leave, and the pain gets worse. Everything falls down to the ground, and you forget that you're still where you don't want to be. You remember that you're still here, and that you're not gone yet. You remember everything you ever did to yourself, and you think was it really worth it? Then, you fall apart again, and you go to pain for help. You ask yourself is suicide the way in or the way out? That's the question you ask yourself every night before you lie down. You think that yeah, It's worth it to leave, but you never think about what it will do to the people who care about you. Sometimes you have to keep going to help other people. But then again, you're so far gone that it doesn't matter, it never has. I remember when you used to care. I remember the real you. I remember the you that I fell in love with. You changed. You would look at me, and ask yourself why we're you ever friends with me? You would look at me, and think, "She wasn't worth it." I would look at you, and see the person I fell in love with only to remember you're not that person anymore. You don't care anymore. I remember when you would come to my house at midnight just to wish me happy birthday. I remember when we would talk every night until I fell asleep. Now, I'm lucky even to see you.

I don't think you know what leaving did to me. I don't think that you realize the day that you left, is the day that I never truly came back. I still got up, and did what I had to do, but I wasn't the same. I didn't smile. I didn't have a reason to. I didn't do things for the fun of it anymore. You we're all I had. You had promised that you would never leave. You said the day you would leave me is the day that you die. I guess I didn't matter to you. I guess I was just a toy. You would always be here for me, until you find someone better. I remember when you told me, "I'm always here with you, even if I'm not here physically, you're not alone." I looked at you, and I smiled. I believed that you would never leave, but that was all a part of your game. You would treat me like I was everything, then you would leave. You would disappear, and treat me like I was nothing, and that killed me. I didn't understand how you could pick up everything, and leave. How do you look at someone, and just forget about all of the memories? How do you look at someone, and just forget how much they meant to you? How are you still able to look at that person the same way? I guess you never thought that I would fall. You always said, "I was the strongest person you knew." Yeah, I'm strong, but I break, and this was my breaking point. How did you expect me to keep going? You knew what I was going through. You knew how much I trusted you. You knew how much I loved you. You knew I would do anything for you, and you used that against me.

Nobody could feel that more than me. I was hurt the most. No body felt what I felt. It happened to me, and it happened to me in front of the world, It was embarrassing, it was humiliating. It was hurtful. It's not easy. I lost my best friend. Everything I knew switched in a night, and I couldn't control that, so I has to deal with that and thats not east to interoperate. Not with the world watching. It was hard for me to even pay attention to my mind, and figure things out, because it became a circus, and I felt protective. I felt like the only person they hate right now is him. It was a weird confusing space to be in because angry as I was, as angry and hurt and betrayed, I just felt like he made that mistake, because he needed help and whose going to help him? Nobody's going to say he needs help, everyone's going to say he's a monster without looking at the source. I'm more concerned about him. It was then that I started to think, "Have you ever considered to just stop everything? Not leaving, but you don't talk, or do anything. You just do what people tell you. You're not gone, but you're not completely there either." It was then that I remembered, "You had promised. I trusted you. You said, "You would never leave." You broke your promise. You left. You left me. I know you would. No one ever stays. Why would they? I knew that when I started to trust you that I had a problem. I didn't want to get hurt again. I physically didn't have it in me to go through this again. I was tired, physically and mentally. I want to close my eyes, and never open them again, but I did let you in, and I did trust you, and thats what hurt me the most. Not that I got hurt. What hurt me was that I put myself in the position to be hurt again.

She was getting better. But then she remembered what she was trying to get away from, she remembered the things that tore her apart. She remember the things that tear her apart, and now she's back at the start. She's tired of crying. She's tired of yelling. She's tired of being sad. She's tired of pretending. She's tired of being alone. She's tired of being angry. She's tired of feeling crazy. She's tired of feeling stuck. She's tired of needing help. She's tired of remembering. She's tired of missing things. She's tired of being different. She's tired of missing people. She's tired of feeling worthless. She's tired of feeling empty inside. She's tired of just not being able to let go. She's tired of wishing that she could start all over. She's tired of dreaming of a life that she will never have. She's tired of being tired. But most of all she's tired of living. She can't live with herself anymore. She was getting better, but then she remembered you. When she was five, she was always happy go lucky. She thought that she would never lose that. Now she's sixteen. Isn't it scary to be so ready to die at such a young age? Isn't it scary that she's done things that she never thought she would do in a million years? Isn't it scary that she never had dark thoughts in her head, until she met you? Isn't it scary that one person can change you so much? No matter how much he's hurt me; it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, because he made me who I want to be. I want to help people, and I want to get married and have kids. I want to live the life that I've dreamed of. I could do it. I could get where I wanted to be. The question is will I still be here by that time? People can only take so much.

There's a difference between giving up, and knowing when you've had enough. I'm not giving up. I'm letting go of myself. I can't be here anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. It doesn't feel like it's worth it. I then go to lie down. I fall asleep only to awake a few hours later. People don't understand. People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in black. People are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to lie. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Days aren't really days; they're just annoying obstacles that need to be faced. And how do you face them? Through medication, through drinking, through smoking, through drugs, through cutting. When you're depressed, you grasp onto anything that can get you through the day. That's what depression is, not sadness or tears, It's the overwhelming sense of numbness, and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next. Grasping onto something that takes the pain away is easy to do. It's just not as easy to quit. I remember when you knew the real me. I remember when I wore my emotions on my sleeves. I remember when I wasn't hurt. I remember feeling like I could do anything. Nobody knows me anymore. Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I've sat in my room and cried, how many times I've lost hope, how many times I've been let down. Nobody knows how many times I've had to hold back to tears, how many times I've felt like I'm about to snap, but don't just for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that have gone through my head whenever I'm 'sad.' Nobody knows how horrible they really are.

And then all of a sudden she changed. She came back a completely different person, with a new mindset, a new outlook, a new soul. The girl who once cared to much about everyone and everything no longer cared at all. Thats what everyone thought. Truth is I care to much. They don't understand how horrible the things they say are. They don't understand that they're the reason I'm falling apart. People say that things will get better, but in all honesty they won't. People tell you these things to keep you here. They tell you life is worth living. They tell you that things will get better, that you won't always feel this way. They're just trying to keep you here. They don't mean what they say. They're just saying it because they don't want to be the person that lets you go. Sometimes people do actually feel that way. Sometimes your life does feel like it's caving in on you. Sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they want to just curl up in a ball, and go into that place between like and death saying, "I don't want to exist." It isn't saying, "I want to die." It's saying "I wish that, for the time being, that I could go somewhere and not have to feel." I don't think that people understand. We don't die from suicide. We die from sadness, and I don't think that people get that. That's when I run into the bathroom. That's when I realize how long it's been since I've let out how I feel. That's when I realize how much I don't want to be here. Thats when I do it. That's when I run the blade down my wrist. It burns at first, but then it just stops. All you can feel is the blade running down your wrist. You don't remember why your were upset. You don't remember wanting to leave. All you see is the blood dripping down your wrist. All you see is a thin line running down your wrist. You don't worry about having to cover the scars, or say it was the cat. All you think about is the relief. For a moment you're not broken. For a moment you're not pretending to be someone you're not. For a moment you can't feel, and for a moment you're truly happy. It's then that I start to think about how much I want to leave. Just forget everything. Forget you.

Someone asked me a question today. They asked, "If you had the chance to kill yourself, no pain or blood involved and your family wouldn't get hurt because of what you did, would you take it?" I looked at her and said, "Of course not." But I was thinking the complete opposite. "In a heartbeat." I would in a heartbeat. Here's why. "There's always this feeling of being under appreciated, used and forgotten. We give till there is nothing left, and then we get hurt. Not that we expect a thing in return, or anything like that. It's just that it really hurts when we've been forgotten too many times after we have cared so much for them. When we are left out even when they are always on the top of our list. When we actually mean nothing to them even when they're our priority. It hurts. It really does. Maybe there is something wrong with me, because I don't forget about people like everyone else. When I care about someone, I'm going to care about them for a long time. I guess that was when I mad up my mind. Everything came back to me. Everything I had tried so hard to forget came rushing back. That's when I fell to the ground. I curled up in a ball on the floor, hugged my knees, and waited for the tears to stop. I laid there on the floor with silent tears streaming down my face, while I hugged my knees. Thats when I realized that this was my chance. I could leave without hurting anyone. I could finally be out of this place I call life. I could finally let go of all of it. I could finally say good-bye. Thats when I grabbed a knife for the last time. I made two small slits on my upper wrist, then I started to think. "This isn't your fault. I always wanted to leave. I just needed a reason to. I needed a way that wouldn't hurt you, but you're gone now. You don't care anymore, so thank you. Then I made two large slits on my wrist. I watched to blood pour out, but by then I was already gone. I was already dead. I got my escape. I got everything that I wanted. I got to tell you good-bye. I got to tell you that it wasn't you're fault. You didn't push me over the edge. The memories did. The broken moments did. You just helped me to see that I wanted to be gone. You gave me what I wanted. That was when the darkness consumed me. That was when I was finally free.

Jack's P.o.v.

No. No. She didn't. I never told her good-bye. I never told her I loved her. I can't believe I brought her to this. I can't believe I was the one to break the strongest girl. I can't believe that I never noticed. I can't believe I left her. I can't believe she held on as long as she did. She wasn't suppose to leave like this. She wasn't suppose to leave this early. It's then that I realize this is real. This did happen, and I didn't stop it. I knew what me leaving did to her, and I left. It's then that I tell myself it was my fault. I could have saved her. I could have told her what she meant to me. I could have kept her here a little bit longer. That's when I run to the nearest store. I crab a dozen roses, and throw a twenty dollar bill at the cashier, and tell her to keep the change. I run to her grave. As soon as I get there I fall to the ground. This wasn't suppose to happen. This wasn't how you were suppose to leave. You had a full life ahead of you. You could have done so much more. You could have been so much more than people gave you credit for. You were suppose to get married, and have kids. It's then that I lay the roses on her grave, and I stand up. I then do something I never thought I would do. I call Donna. I tell her I'm sorry, but I can't keep doing this. It was because of us. I don't give her time to argue. I just hang up the phone. I remember the last thing she said to me, "If I ever leave, It's not your fault. I want you to move on. I want you to get married, and be happy, but I don't want you to end up like me." It's then that I tell myself, "I will do this for her."

She is everywhere I go
Everyone I see
Winter's gone and I still can't sleep
Summer's on the way
At least that's what they say
But these clouds won't leave

It's been a year. Every-time I talk to someone I see some of you in them. Winter's gone, and summer's on the way, or so the say, but the clouds are still here. It's still raining. You don't know how much I miss you. I feel like I should move on, but I can't. You don't know how many nights I've laid awake thinking about you. You were perfect, people just noticed to late. You had you doe brown eyes, and that beautiful brown hair. You were perfect. You had natural beauty. That was what was important. I gone out a couple of times. I met a girl, but every time I looked at her I thought of you. You're never really off of my mind. I keep dreaming that you'll come back. I keep hopping that this is all a nightmare, and it is. I can't believe it's been three months. I can't believe that I don't want to fall in love. You were different. You weren't suppose to leave. You weren't suppose to be able to hurt me. You weren't suppose to make me not be able to fall in love again. But you did, and now I'm falling apart. I'm telling myself that everything will be okay, but it won't. It never has away

Barely breathing
As I'm lying on the floor
Take my heart
As you're leaving
I don't need it anymore

I keep telling myself that I have to move on. I tell myself that I shouldn't miss you this much. I'm the reason why. I'm the reason you're gone, so why am I this depressed? I didn't love you. I didn't. Did I? It's then that I start to think I did love you. I needed you. Now I'm barely breathing. I fall apart and lay on the floor, I can't bring myself to get up. I can't bring myself to forget. I never realized it until you we're gone, but I gave you my heart, so take it, I don't need it anymore. You're gone, nothing can change that, so take my heart, I don't need it anymore. You're not here anymore, so neither is my heart. I never understood how someone could be this heartbroken, but now I know. Now I know, but now I want more than anything to not know. Its's the worst feeling in the world. I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest. It should have been me. You shouldn't have left. It should have been me. I did this to you. I should be gone, I can't be happy without you. I need you to come back, and that was when I fell to the floor. I didn't have it in me anymore. No one understands why you left. No one but me, and that hurts, because I'm the reason you left. I'm the reason why you're gone, and I'm broken. I'm the reason why I can't stay here, and I'm the reason why you aren't here. I wish you knew that it killed me to hurt you. I didn't want you to hurt me though, so I thought that if I left we would both be perfectly happy. I never realized what it did to you. I never realized what it would do to us. I never realized it would bring you to do what you did.

This is the memory
This is the curse of having
Too much time to think about it
It's killing me
This is the last time
This is my forgiveness
This is endless

So, this is how it feels to fall apart. This is how it feels to be broken into a million pieces. I know that I should get out, so I don't spend all my time thinking about it, but I cant. I have to much time to think about it, but thinking about it is killing me. You took your own life because of me. Wouldn't you blame yourself. It's killing me. The guilt. I can't keep telling myself It's not my fault. If It's not my fault, then it would have to be yours, and it can't be. You didn't kill yourself. Society did. I did. How do you live with yourself knowing that you killed someone? You don't. I know that you told me to forgive you. You kept telling me to forgive myself, because you forgave me, but this is the last time. I can't forgive myself. It's not that easy. It's endless the pain. First you feel the pain when you wake up. I remember that you're not here, then I feel guilt, because It's my fault. I could have saved you, if I didn't leave, but I did. I never thought I would come to this point. I never thought that I would understand why you cut, but now I do. You have to feel something other than what you're feeling now. It's then that I go into the bathroom. That was the first time I ever ran a blade down my wrist. I understood where you were coming from. You wanted to forget, and it helped even if it was just for a minute. Instead of pain, and hurt, you felt free. You felt like you had control over apart of your body, and thats all you wanted to know. That you had some control. How did I get to this point? I promised that I wouldn't end up like you, but here I am with a blade to my wrist telling myself that it's okay to forget.

Now spring has brought the rain
But I still see your face
And I can not escape the past
Creeping up inside
Reminding me that I
Can never bring you back

It's spring now. It's been half a year. I don't even know how I'm not dead yet. It rains a lot. You loved the rain. You would dance, and run. I would swear that you were five years old, but you weren't. I understand now. You felt like a little kid. Like you didn't have anything to worry about. You didn't have a reason to hurt, you just had fun. All you felt was the raindrops on your cheek. Every time it rains, I see your face in the raindrops. I can't escape the past, it comes creeping back up every time I think that maybe I'll be okay. It's then that I remember I can never bring you back, and I think thats when I fall apart again. I'll never see you again in this life. I wish that I could. I dream about you when I fall asleep. I dream about seeing you, and finally getting to tell you how much I love you, but it won't happen. You're in heaven. I'm positive. You're in heaven, because the angels never go to hell. At night, I wonder how you're doing. I wonder if you're watching over me. I wonder if you still care about me. If you do, you shouldn't. I don't deserve you. I never have. I left, because I knew I couldn't be what you need. You needed someone perfect. You needed someone who would never hurt you, and I knew that I couldn't be that for you. I knew that I wouldn't be able to be what you wanted, but I didn't want to hear that, especially from you, so I left. I didn't want you to hurt me, but I didn't realize that I would be hurting you.

This is the memory
This is the curse of having
Too much time to think about it
It's killing me
This is the last time
This is my forgiveness
This is endless

It never fully leaves. The memories. They're always there, tearing me apart. I still think about it too much. I think about it more than I should. I think about you more than I should, and It's killing me, knowing that I can't bring you back. I keep telling you this is the last time I'll remember, and that this is my forgiveness, but this is endless. It hurts to much. Every time that I wake up I see you. I remember that I can't bring you back, and that kills me. I know that It's been six months, but I can't forget. It's then that I go back into the bathroom. I sit on the floor next to the sink. I pull out a blade, and run it across my wrist. I know that I shouldn't be doing this. I know that I shouldn't want to do this, but It's all that helps. I can't drink you off of my mind anymore, and I know that this won't work forever. It makes me forget. Just for a minute I feel like I'm still me. I fell like I still have some control over me, but I don't. I never have. Not since you left. It's unbelievable that this is the first time I've considered suicide. After you left, I closed off the thoughts from my mind, but now it doesn't seem like such a bad way to leave. It would be easy. I can't stand to remember. You don't understand what you leaving did to me. You don't understand what it still does to me.

This is endless
Someone help me
Cause the memory
Convinced itself to tear me apart
And it's gonna succeed before long

You don't understand. I need help. I'm not me anymore. Not without you. I can't keep doing this. I can't stay here. Not without you. I don't have a reason to keep going. You were my reason. You were the reason I got up every morning. Just so that I could see that beautiful smile that lit up on your face when you were doing what you love. It's so hard not to leave right this minute. I want to keep my promise. I want you to know that I still respect you. I don't want to leave yet. I want you to come back. I know that I made a promise, and I know that I shouldn't break it, but it doesn't feel like it's worth it to wake up in the morning. It's so hard to look at people, because you touched so many people's heart. You helped so many people, and when I look at them I see what you did. I see how much you helped them, and who helped you? No one. You told everyone else that life was worth living, when you took yours. I can't stay here. It's too hard. Everyone looks at me with pity in their eyes. They all look at me, and see that I lose the girl I love. Do you know how hard it is? Thats when I run the blade across my wrist. Again, and again. Eventually I realize that I'm cutting deeper and deeper each time. I can't leave yet, so I stop. I cover the cuts. You don't understand how hard it is to not leave. I'm almost to that point. I'm barely hanging on. It's going to succeed. It's going to consume me. It already has me wanting to leave. It already has me losing myself. I'm already lost in my head. All I need is my escape. All I need is my freedom. All I need is you.

This is the memory
This is the curse of having
Too much time to think about it
It's killing me
This is the last time
This is my forgiveness
This is endless
This is endless

Everyday. A new memory. A new reason to leave. I want you to know that this will make me happy. It's so hard to stay. The scars on my wrist remind me of you. They remind me of what you turned into, and now I'm turning into the same thing. The scars start to fade, but they're still there. Still haunting me. I could tell you where every one of them is, and why I made them. You're right, it is weird, being so ready to die at such a young ahem I never really saw myself being so ready to leave, but people leave, and things change. Things fall apart, then you just don't have a reason anymore. I still think about you. More and more everyday. I know that I still have more time on my hands than I should, but It's so hard. This is my forgiveness Kim. It's not your fault I turned into this. It's mine. I left you, so you left permanently. I didn't realize that if I left you would give up. I know that you were strong, but strong people break too. They just don't break where people can see them. You were one of those people who everyone though could take anything. You were one of those people that people thought would never give up. You didn't give up. You just let go, and thats okay. You knew when enough was enough. You should have come to me though. I needed you to stay, even if I never told you. You made me who I am, you made me who I wanted to be. You gave me something to live for, when I had nothing, but now you're gone. So what am I suppose to do?

Someone help me
Cause the memory
Convinced itself to tear me apart
And it's gonna succeed before long
(This is endless)

I don't think that you understand. I need help. It's consuming me, without a second thought. I want to get out of it, but I can't. I want to get out of this, but I don't want to at the same time. It's almost consumed me. I don't want to be here. I can't be here. I don't think you understand what It's like to miss you as much as I do. I need to be saved. I want to keep my promise, but darling if I leave tonight, remember that I tried. I don't need you to tell me that you love me, I just need you to care. I need you to try to get me to stay, because if you don't, I'll be gone. I remember when I told you that. You looked at me, and smiled, it didn't quote reach your eyes. That was the night that you left. I thought it was a quote from your favorite book. I didn't realize that you were talking about yourself. It's then that I run the blade down my wrist again, and again. I run in across my wrist every time I think of something that I didn't do to help you. It's then that I finally make up my mind.

She is everywhere I go
Everyone I see
But these clouds won't leave

It's started to rain today. It brought back a memory of us. I remember when your mom made us go to a dance. We refused to show up, so instead we went to the park. We sat under the big oak tree, surrounded by roses. That was our tree. We carved our initials into the tree. Not long after it started pouring. We stood up, and started to run back to the house, but you grabbed my hand, and pulled me close to you. I took your hands, and made you dance with me. Right after the dance we both fell to the ground laughing. That was the day I picked a rose, and put it in your hair. We both stood up, and started walking to the house. This time we walked we didn't run. We were young. We didn't know what love was. We didn't understand what we felt for each other, we just knew that we never wanted it to end. We wanted to stay in that moment forever. We never wanted to say good-bye. Every time it rained after that we would go outside and go to the oak tree. We would dance and fall to the ground laughing, I would pick a rose, and put it in your hair. That's what love was to us. We never wanted the moment to end. We would walk back to the house hand in hand, never saying I love you, but we never said good bye either. It was at that tree, that we would always say, "It's not worth fighting for, if one of is dying trying to find loves kiss." Thats why we never said "I love you" We both knew that we were in love, but we would never admit it, in fear of us getting broken apart. We wanted a love story that lasted, bot one that fell to pieces. That was when I made up my mind. I couldn't stay here. Not without you. It's then that I grab the picture of us at the oak tree. I lay it face down on the cabinet. I grab a knife, and make two cuts on my wrist. I lay down remembering the first time we went to the oak tree. I let darkness consume me, knowing that I'll never be saved. I let every thought in my head become you. I think about how much I love you, and how hard it is to live without you. I think about how hard it was to live without you. You were everywhere I went. You were everyone I saw. You didn't understand. You didn't have to. I left because I wanted to be with you. I did not leave because of you. It's then that my heart has stopped, and my soul has left my body. It's then that I am finally with you. It's then that I finally smile again. It's then that I fall in love all over again.

How did y'all like it? It was long, I know, but I had to write this. The idea has been in my head for a while, and I thought, "Why not write it now." This one was kind of sad, I know. I hope y'all loved it. Please let me know yall's thoughts through a review. It would mean a lot! Thanks for reading The Memory! -BreathingNotAlive-

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