Almost a year later and it still hadn't gotten any easier. She got better at burying her feelings but she still felt empty without her husband by her side. She couldn't function properly without him, she just got better at faking it in front of others.

Work helped, it gave her a chance to get away from home and think about something other than her problems. She hired a nanny (who was actually her former nanny) to stay with her baby while she was off taking care of other people and their babies. Every day she'd come home to find him clean and fed. All she had to do was play with him for an hour then put him to bed and get through the night. (It helped that Aiden started sleeping through the night at only 3 months). The nanny came back early in the morning long before Aiden was awake and took care of everything else.

"He's been cranky all day. I don't think he's feeling well. He's had a little bit of a fever on and off. He'll probably be asleep long before bedtime tonight." Ruth, the nanny, informed Addison on her way out the door.

Addison gave her son a sympathetic look, she brushed her hand through his hair as she held him closer to her. "We'll take it easy tonight, okay?" she told the eleven month old softly. She was actually a little relieved that he didn't have his usually energy because she had an exhausting day at work and needed some down time. "We'll get you a bottle and I'll get a glass of wine and we can cuddle up in bed and watch Peter Pan. That's your favorite, right? That's what Ruth says." She hated the fact that all of her knowledge of her son's likes and dislikes were based on what the nanny would tell her. She hated herself for only spending an hour a day with him. She didn't need anyone to tell her that she wasn't exactly a good mother, she was reminded of that fact every time she looked at her son.

After getting him settled beside her in her bed and pressed play for the movie to start. She barely paid attention to any of it. She was more focused on the book she had been trying to get through. She'd glance at the 11 month old beside her every time she heard him giggle. She was sure that he was too young to really understand any of the jokes but she assumed that certain sounds and actions were amusing to him. The crocodile's tic toc theme song seemed to be his favorite, it would crack him up every time without fail.

"Mama!" Aiden exclaimed, nudging her side. He pointed to the screen to show her to crocodile's eyes popping up rhythmically to the ticking song and laughed hysterically as the scene continued.

Addison glanced up and looked where his little finger pointed. She gave him a smile and nodded her head in response before going on her reading. When a cannon fired she felt him flitched and curl into her for safety. The fear was gone in seconds and he was entirely focused on the movie again.

A part of her almost felt content for a split second. Immediately following that split second was the moment that changed everything. She snapped out of her trance to find her son violently thrashing beside her. She dropped the book and quickly went from her lying position to propped up on her knees. The neonatal specialist in her took over as she rolled the almost-toddler onto his side and cupped chin with one hand, gently squeezing his cheeks so he wouldn't bite his tongue. Once he stopped convulsing she called an ambulance and everything else was a blur right up until the diagnosis came.

Bacterial meningitis.

It was like some type of cruel joke. Her little boy had a neurological condition, a possibility fatal one at that, and his internationally renowned neurosurgeon father couldn't help because he was dead. The irony was too much for her taste, to lose her neurosurgeon husband then her son to a neurological condition.

He was taken into surgery to relieve the pressure on his brain and then rushed to the PICU immediately afterward. She sat by his side for days, watching as IVs pumped him full of antibiotics to kill every bacterial cell in his tiny body.

"Addison." her nanny called for her attention from the doorway. "Honey, how long have you been in here? You need some time off, go home and shower, eat something, get some sleep. You'll feel a lot better after that, trust me."

"I can't." she mumbled.

"Addie, sitting by his side isn't going to change anything. He's on medication, he's got people here watching him very closely. He's not alone. And if you want I can stay with him while you go home."

Addison shook her head. "I can't leave him."

The older woman sighed. She hated being the bad guy but she knew that someone had to tell Addison. "I know you're scared of losing him but you also need to understand that sitting here with him doesn't change anything. No matter how long you spend holding his hand here, kissing his fevered little forehead and whispering words of encouragement into his ear, it's not going to make up for the times you were not there to hold him when he needed you."

"I know." Addison whispered with a guilty expression on his face. "I always swore that I wouldn't be anything like my mother but I'm just like her. I'm exactly the same. And I'm not trying to make up for the past, I'm just trying to be there for him now and from now on if he makes it through this and if he doesn't then I need to be here for every second that I can be. I don't want to leave his side and get a phone call telling me that my son died. I can't handle that again."

"You are nothing like your mother. Trust me, I took care of your from the time you were 6 all the way until you learned how to drive and could take care of yourself. I've seen your mother with you and I've seen you with your son. You're nothing like she was. You're maternal. You are depressed and you're having a hard time moving on with your life that's normal after what you've been through. You've got a full time job that's very stressful and physically draining. Despite that you're still maternal. Your mother had everything she could want. She was happy, she was settled, she didn't have to work and she still didn't do for you what you do for your son in your condition."

"Thank you. That really means a lot coming from you. I'm not really sure what I'm doing but it is a relief to hear that at least I'm not completely cold and withholding."

The nanny, Ruth, stepped further into the room. "Would you like company for a while? I haven't seen the little guy since he was admitted and I miss him."

Addison smiled in response. "Of course."

"Addison, have you spoken to your family? Do they know? I'm sure Archer would be here if he knew what was going on. The Archer I raised would do anything for his little sister, he'd never let you go through this alone. And your mother- I understand that she's changed and I'm sure she'd be here, your father. Derek's mother is very connected to Aiden and I'm sure she'd come and lock herself in this room with you if she knew what was going on with her grandson. She tries to come every time he's got sniffles. Having people around could help you."

"I don't want to worry anyone. I am his mother. I should be able to take care of him on my own. I should not have to depend on so many people. They've already been there for me through so much that I can't ask for more."

"They don't do it out of obligation, Addison. They are your family. They want to be there and help you."

Addison shook her head. "I can't. I have to do this on my own." she replied quietly. "Besides, you come by every once in a while and that's more than I would ever ask for. I'm grateful for the support."

"I don't know if I've told you this but you and your brother were always my favorites. I mean my favorites from all the kids I've ever cared for. I've never been quite so attached to any of the others, I certainly haven't kept in touch with the others. I was so thrilled to hear that you had a son and I'm so honored that you trust me with him. When you called to asked I didn't even have to think, I'd been telling everyone that the only way I'd come out of retirement would be if Addison Montgomery-Shepherd had children. And he's real competition, you know? I think he's my new favorite. Or it may be a tie."

"He's got his father's charming smile. He'll definitely beat me in being anyone's favorite. No one will ever be able to resist that charm." Addison replied. "Assuming he makes it through this…"

"Mama." Aiden called out to her in his tiny little voice.

Addison could almost hear the fear in his voice. She quickly rose to her feet and lowered the side of the hospital crib to be closer to her son. She leaned over him, lightly brushing her lips against his forehead. "I'm right here." she whispered and reached down for his hand. "Are you okay, baby? Are you in pain? Do you have any owwies?"

"Up." he whimpered, holding his arm out to her hoping to picked up and cuddled.

Addison looked unsure, she glanced around the private room. Her trained eyes consulted the monitors and as a doctor she knew she wasn't supposed to take him out of bed and hold him. Parents were not supposed to disconnect monitors, especially not to cuddle. She also knew the only thing he really needed was his IV delivering all the treatment into his weak little body. "Hold on one second, sweetheart." she told the child as she worked carefully to disconnect him from the equipment. She cautiously lifted him into one arm and pulled his IV pole closer to her chair with her other. "Better?" she asked him, looking down to see him settle himself on her chest.

She knew enough to know that even though he was talking at 11 months old, just enough to get his point across every so often, it did not mean that he understood most of what she said to him. She also knew that hearing their mother or father was reassuring to babies, even if they had no idea what was being said.

"Mama." he muttered again, obviously trying to tell her something that wouldn't come across with his limited vocabulary.

"I'm here, buddy. I'm here." she repeated, pressing a light kiss over the crown of his head as she soothingly rubbed his back. "He's all I have left." she whispered once she noticed that he had fall back to sleep on her chest.

"He'll be fine." Ruth responded surely.

"I can't lose another person that I love. He has to be okay. He's really got no choice but to be okay."

Aiden was released from the hospital 16 days after he was admitted. Addison barely ever left his side through those 16 days. She held his hand every time he had to have his blood drawn and rubbed his back to help soothe him after vomiting. She rocked him to sleep on the nights she was allowed to hold him and read to him on the nights she couldn't take him out of bed. Finally being able to take him home with a clean bill of health was a welcomed relief that Addison had not felt since before Derek's death. For that day on she swore that her son would be her priority, the depression was still an issue but she learned that her son was there to make it better, not worse.

Two and a half years later

"Did you have fun at Aunt Liz's house?" Addison asked her three and a half year old son as she stepped into her parents' house. They were visiting Connecticut for the weekend. Usually her family and Derek's family came to New York to visit them instead but they decided to change it up for once. Aiden had spent most of the day with his cousins at Liz's house.

"Yup. We played." he answered briefly. "I'm hungry."

"Aiden, we just had dinner with all your cousins. You had two whole slices of pizza. You can't be hungry."

Aiden smiled at her, his smile was identical to Derek's and it was almost impossible to say no after seeing it. "I'm hungry for owscweam."

"Ice cream." she corrected out of habit. "Let's go see if your grandparents have any ice cream in the freezer. And if they do lets hope its not the crappy rich people kind. No one wants pear flavored ice cream, right?" she added, leading her son to the kitchen where she located a carton of Hagen Daz in the freezer. A quick search in the pantry revealed a box of sugar cones. "We hit the jackpot, Aiden."

"What's a jackpot?" Aiden asked as she his mother scooped ice cream into two cones.

"Kind of like treasure." Addison replied. "Something that's very valuable."

"Oh." Aiden murmured, climbing up on Bizzy's mahogany chair to eat the ice cream cone his mother have prepared for him. "Mommy, I didn't want vanilla. Vanilla is boring. I want Rocky Road."

"Sorry, bud, this is all they have in the freezer. You'll have rocky road some other time, okay? We really should be grateful that it's not pear. That was no good last time, was it?" Addison replied, sitting on a chair adjacent to him. "Just be careful so it doesn't start melting and dripping on the table or chair...Bizzy wasn't too pleased the last time I spilled something on that chair."

Aiden's eyes went wide. "What did you spill?" he asked curiously. "Did you get in trouble?"

"Nevermind." Addison replied dismissively, sincerely doubting that her son would be interested to know that her water broke on that very chair and later it underwent serious disinfecting before Bizzy allowed it back into her house.

"Can I ask you a queshun?"

"Sure. Go for it, little guy…" she paused. "Unless the question is if you can have more ice cream because the answer to that is no."

"Everyone says I look like my Daddy." he mumbled. "Do I?"

"Yeah, you look just like him."

"Is that why Grandma Carolyn cries every time she sees me?"

Addison shrugged in response. She did not have an answer to that question. "I'm not sure. Maybe." she responded honestly.

"Have I ever seen him?"

"No, you haven't. We've talked about this before, do you remember? You're still too young to really understand this but your daddy died before you were born. You never met him but he's always watching you and I'm sure that he loves you very much."

"But why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did he die?" Aiden asked in confusion. At three and a half years old, the concept of death was much too complicated for him to understand. "Why can't he just...come back?"

"Because, honey, dying is permanent. That means forever. He can't change it, no one can." Addison explained as best she could.

"Do you really think he would like me?"

"He is your dad, he loves you whether he's here with you or not." Addison replied confidently. "I think he would have loved the opportunity to meet you."

"Did he love you?" Aiden questioned curiously.

Addison stared blankly at her son with no answer. It had been years since Derek's death and she still didn't know the answer to that question. "He did love me." she replied, and she wasn't lying because at some point in the past he did love her. She just wasn't sure if it he loved her up until the day he died or if he had stopped long before that. "And I still love him more than I could ever explain."

"Oh…"

"I know its hard to understand, Aiden. I know this is all way too complicated. I just want you to grow up knowing that you have a dad and that he does love you even if he's not here with you, okay? That's all you have to understand for now."

Aiden nodded his head understandingly. "Can I see a picture of him?" Aiden asked curiously.

"Sure." she answered and gestured for him to follow her. She took him up to her old room and pulled a couple of frames out from her nightstand. After Derek's death she found that the other way she could deal with it was to hide his pictures. She put those in her nightstand while she was staying with her parents immediately following Derek's funeral. She had asked Savvy to put all of his pictures from the Brownstone in a box in the basement so she wouldn't have to do it herself when she moved in.

Aiden studied the picture closely. "We gots the same hair." he immediately noticed. "And the same eyes, right?"

"Mhmm." Addison said with a nod. "And you've got the same smile. You've got his dimples. Same skin tone. Same jaw line. You're exactly like him."

"Does that make you sad, Mommy?" Aiden wondered. "Like it makes Grandma sad?"

"Nope." Addison told him definitively. It was a question she had asked herself all thought the first year of her son's life, right up until the day he violently seized right beside her. Back then she was sure that her life would have easier to deal with if the little boy wasn't Derek's mini-me. She was sure it would be less painful to be a single mother if her son didn't constantly remind her of his father. In a matter of a single second her opinion changed entirely. "I wouldn't change a single thing about you. Besides, you may look like you're daddy but you've got my brains and my sparkling personality. I think that's a pretty deadly combo. You are perfect."

Aiden gave his mother a strange look, completely thrown off by her answer. "Mommy, I'm not perfect. Only Peter Pan is perfect. He's smart and brave and funny and smart and he can fight with a sword and all the mermaids at the lagoon have a crush on him."

"But Peter Pan is a cartoon. He's made up. You are a real person and you're as close as a real person can be to perfect."

Aiden tilted his head and looked at her with a blank look of confusion, "Huh?" he asked.

"Nothing, never mind. Just know that you're everything I needed to get my life back on track."

Sorry for the long wait on the last chapter of this story. I got ridiculously sick and couldn't do anything for a good two weeks. Plus the last chapter of all of stories always take forever because I just have such a hard time ending stories.

Be sure to review one last time! Thanks for reading!