You're not going.

I've heard it said that in the moment right before you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes.

Well my life is flashing. All 17 years are flickering by like one of the Capitol's montages. What I can't figure out is why this is happening. Am I dying? No. No, I'm not. Not physically anyway. It's just me. The part inside of me that makes me me is dying.

I look around at all the weary faces. Plutarch. Boggs. Cressida. Messalla. Haymitch. Gale. Finnick. Johanna—they all know I'm about to break. All the tiny fissures, all the tiny cracks have crippled what was once a solid foundation and it's ready to collapse under all the pressure. I've served my purpose in this war. I have outlived my usefulness and outstayed my welcome. I'm just a lowly, mental patient who isn't worth the trouble she causes...

I turn to Coin. She is perfectly composed. I envy her skill to become a statue. Cold. Unfeeling. Heartless. "I have to go. I'm the Mockingjay." I say. How can they not want the Mockingjay at the final battle?

"Things have changed, Katniss. I can't have an untrained, unpredictable girl like you jeopardizing everything we've worked for. You understand." Coin looks smug. In that moment I'm reminded of Snow and that self-assured lilt of his lips… They're one and the same. Two sides of the same coin. She is the female to his male.

"You need me. I'm the best shot you've got!" I shout. I don't usually brag about this, but it's got to be at least close to true. Plutarch of all people should back me up—My stunt with the apple is legendary in the Capitol.

"But you're not a soldier." Coin reminds me none too gently. I open my mouth to respond but nothing comes out. She nods, pleased. There is no more room for discussion. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have important matters to attend to. Don't freight, Katniss, you're still the face of the rebellion. I believe Plutarch and Cressida have something planned for you if you're up to it."

I watch her walk out. She cut my still beating heart out of my chest. I shake my head. There's a high pitched ringing in my ears that reminds me of bombs falling. My head feels like a giant hand is squeezing it. The last time I felt like this was the day Effie Trinket called Prim's name at the reaping. The world has stopped spinning and momentarily ceased to exist. In fact, everything has ceased to exist but hate. It's a hate so pure it makes me sick to my stomach. It's a hate so powerful and big it forces the air out of my lungs to make room for itself. My body isn't big enough to house both of them.

Coin just ripped the carpet out from under my feet...

"Katniss?" Gale calls my name the way Prim calls Buttercup when he's frightened. Like I'm some scared, wounded animal backed up in a corner and he's afraid I'll attack. "Katniss?"

Well he's right. I feel wounded and trapped. Betrayed. So I do the only thing I can do.

I run.

I run right out of Command and to the emergency staircase; out of the stone tomb I've been living in for weeks and into the world above, out of district 13 and the lies and pain that come with it. The Capitol's missiles destroyed a large portion of the electrified fence during the strike. There are usually two armed guards stationed at the gap to prevent stragglers- Me- from venturing into the woods. They're nowhere to be seen today. I don't take the time to ponder their whereabouts. I just run. Sometimes that's all there is left to do.

"Katniss!"

Don't stop. Keep running. Run, run, run. Straight into the forest without a single thought as to where I'm going or what I'll do when I get there. All I know is that I have to get away from all this. I have to get away from the harsh lights and prying eyes and the million voices all telling me what to do but not one of them is willing to listen. I charge through mud, holes, rocks, and bushes. Branches spring back and smack me, thorns cut into my face, arms, and legs. This pain is nothing compared to the agony I feel inside. How could they do this to me?

I'm still running, still trying to escape when my strength leaves my legs and they buckle like toothpicks. I crash to my knees. Panting. Whimpering.

Defeated.

"Katniss!"

I just want to be left alone. Why can't they leave me alone? They've taken everything from me. My home, my friends, my people, my life. I thought Snow was bad, but at least he was honest. He never lied to me. He told me exactly what was going on and how he planned to deal with it. Coin's game was all about deceit. And I played right into it like the stupid, clueless-

"Katniss," My pursuer crashes through the brush gasping. "Katniss?" I look up and find myself staring into the concerned, dark eyes of Johanna Mason. Of all the people...

"WH—what-" I can't even speak. I can't wrap my mind around what just happened. Is this what has become of the girl on fire? The girl who single handedly sparked a revolution- Is this her fate?

Johanna reaches her hands out to me and swipes her thumbs under my eyes. I didn't even realize I was crying. I'm too busy drowning. It feels like there's a rope wrapped around my lungs and every time I exhale it tightens. Like a boa constrictor suffocating prey. Like Snow and Coin. All of them—snakes.

"Why—why did you follow me?" I'm acutely aware of Johanna's hands, rough and calloused from a lifetime of harsh labor, but still gentle as they cradle my face. A part of me recoils from the tender touch. This is Johanna Mason. And she hates me. Doesn't she?...

"Can't a girl just want to help?" She says with a shrug. I can smell the lie a mile away.

The concept of altruism is foreign to me. I don't believe anyone is willing to help someone else at the expense of themselves. Except maybe Peeta Mellark. And now he's just as cruel and heartless as the rest of us. No, that isn't true now, is it, Katniss? Peeta doesn't come close to being the monster that I am.

As for Johanna Mason, she isn't the type of girl that will help someone out of the goodness of her heart. She is the type of girl who pretends to be hopeless and innocent, lets the people around her kill each other, and then turns out to be ten times as ruthless as the worst of them. She is the girl who tricked all of Panem into believing she couldn't harm a fly…

It hits me then. Johanna is possibly the greatest liar in existence aside from Coin. She lied to an entire country. Lying to me is child's play. Why, then, can I sense the insincerity in her words? Unless it's not a lie at all. Maybe it's the truth and she really just wants to help me. Is still begs the question- why? All these questions make me realize one thing. I am absolutely clueless as to what her intentions are. Johanna is a wild card. As unpredictable as the wind.

I suck in a deep breath. "Johanna, why are you here? Why did you follow me?" I ask, an edge of reproach in my voice. What do you hope to gain, I almost add. Whatever transpired between us in the hospital and again in the closet during Finnick and Annie's wedding was a fluke. I'm sure of it. "Did Coin send you?"

My questions set her off. She jerks her hands away as if my skin burns her. She shoots to her feet and starts pacing like a caged lion. One second she acts like my best friend, the next she is that cold, sarcastic girl from the arena who threatened to rip my throat out. If I am mentally disoriented, then Johanna is downright unstable. A fleeting thought crosses my mind, is this an effect of the morphling withdrawal, or does it have something to do with the torture?

"I can't figure out if you're truly this stupid, Katniss, or if you just pretend to be." She says with an incredulous scoff. "Honestly, I don't know what all these people see in you."

Yes, I'm still shocked by the events that have transpired today, but my shock gives way to anger. When I volunteered to take Prim's place, I saw the looks on the faces of the people around me. They said, you must be stupid to volunteer to die. The people of the Capitol wrote me off as another stupid, barbaric tribute. Haymitch called me stupid to my face. Coin, Plutarch, and their people lie to me, keep things from me. Treat me like I'm mental. And now Johanna, standing here before me, spitting it in my face...

I lose it.

I launch myself at her. Take her down to the ground. I wasn't expecting to catch her off guard. Johanna Mason is a true victor and I'm merely a victim of fortune. The air rushes out of her lungs in a whoosh! The look on her face is priceless. Those wide set eyes gawk at me with disbelief and a hint of fear and something else. That same something I saw in the hospital. That same something I can't place...

I wrap one hand around her throat, the other is a closed fist poised above her face. She doesn't flinch. "I'm tired of everyone treating me like I'm stupid." I growl, practically foaming at the mouth. It was a long time coming- this violent, aggressive reaction. All these weeks of feeling weak, used, and guilty have reached critical mass.

Conflicting emotions cross Johanna's face -Compassion. Hate. Pity. Sorrow- until she settles on one. Anger. Red, hot, shiny anger. The kind that gets into your soul. It eats away at you from the inside, takes over your organs and contaminates them. Kills them. Yes, it's so familiar. It's my own anger I see reflected in her eyes. It's inside her. Poison in her veins. In my veins.

I'm so distracted I don't see the blow coming. Her fist slams into the side of my head. Thanks, Johanna, just what I needed. Another concussion. She hits like a train. The world moves in slow motion then comes to an abrupt halt when I hit the ground. She pounces. Her hands clench around the collar of my shirt and jerk me up. Her face is mere inches from my own. I can feel her breath on me, sweet and warm. I just lay there too stunned and too exhausted to fight back. Maybe this is what I need. Or is it what I want?

"I know you're not stupid. You're just so damn clueless. Don't you see? You and I aren't so different. We're in the same boat. I'm here because we're all we have left."

No! I have Prim and my mother and Gale and Boggs and Haymitch and Finnick and—and- Isn't that why I ran away? There's no one left.

I want to scream. I want to kick and punch and bite and scratch and cry. Because I know what she's saying is true. I killed hundreds and condemned thousands more to die. I played Snow's little game. I let him use me. I hardly see Prim or my mother. Gale thinks I'm soft and therefore useless in this war. Boggs only tolerates me because he's been ordered to do so. Haymitch might as well be dead. Finnick has a new life, one far removed from this one.

She's right. I have no one.

I want to hurt her for saying out loud what I've denied to myself for weeks. Saying it out loud makes it real. It can't be undone now. I'm going to break all over again when something happens.

It's something so unexpected that my mind shuts down. For a moment I forget all about the Hunger Games and the Capitol. I forget about the districts and their war. I forget about the fact that this is all my fault. I forget about Gale, Snow, Coin, Haymitch and Peeta. It's all gone.

It all goes away under the gentle pressure of Johanna's lips on my own.

It's a different feeling from what I'm used to. By now I've kissed Peeta and Gale what must be a million times. But this? This is different. It's softer and warmer. It's needy and demanding all at the same time. I don't have time to react. It's over as unexpectedly as it began and Johanna pulls away far enough to catch my eye.

"This war has taken everything from you, Katniss." She says, her voice so soft I almost can't make it out over the sound of my pounding heart. She releases the hold on my collar, lowering us to the ground. Her hands unclench, fingers splaying across my chest. She lays her head over my heart and sighs. "It's taken everything from me. That's why I'm here. I know how you feel. Nobody sent me after you. I came because I wanted to."

My mind... My head... My thoughts- they're all jumbled up. I can't make sense of anything. But I know it makes sense, right? Somehow. I'm so confused. Think, Katniss, think! I try to recall the coping techniques the doctors taught me. Start with small facts. Things I know to be true. Build from there. I need to get a hold on reality before it slips away again.

My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am 17 years old. My home is district 12. There is no district 12. Coin wants me gone. Snow wants me dead. Our country is in the middle of a war. I started this war.

My name is Katniss Everdeen...

Johanna Mason just kissed me.

AN: I apologize for any typos. I do my best to edit but my best only goes so far. Thanks to those of you who reviewed, I appreciate it and I hope to see more from you.

Cheers!