Part 3
As soon as he had closed the door to her sitting room, the noise of the servants' ball upstairs was shut out and there was silence around him. He needed one moment, one minute, one hour (who was counting?) to grasp what she had just told him.
She had... with another woman. She had broken the law of society and of God for one night.
One lonely, drunken night.
Life was a funny business, but people were even funnier. He had pressed her to reveal the reason for her distress and she had been honest with him. Damn her.
He groaned, rubbed his face, hoped the gesture would erase the images from his mind.
What was it with her? Every time when he thought he could read her, he discovered something about her that caused him to question everything he knew about her again.
He had never thought about her as someone who could be attracted to her own gender. And why should he? They had been a (secret) couple for almost half a year now. They would marry some day, when they decided it was time to retire, but the time hadn't come yet. Both wanted more than a cottage and a handshake from his Lordship. Their careers had been part of their lives for too long to already consider retirement. Perhaps it was foolhardy, but they wanted it all. Their careers, their work, and each other. They wanted their time to get to know each other. To discover what was hidden beneath the servants' uniforms that they wore like armour all day long. And slowly they were able to reveal all this about each other in the shadows of the night, when the house was asleep and they were awake.
And now this. She had revealed another layer of herself. A sensuous layer she probably never wanted to discover and which had led to some heartbreak and pain.
She had shared her bed with another woman.
Since he knew her, knew what she liked, he could almost picture her, lost in her passion, trapped underneath another soft, warm body. He could only picture it too well and his body reacted to his fantasies, while his memories carried him back to another time and another place.
His face was on fire, as he remembered a stupidity from his youth. He and Charles Grigg had been in York in some house. They had paid a lot of money to watch women pleasuring each other. He had paid to be a tolerated voyeur who watched women as they did everything imaginable (and unimaginable, to him) to each other in the bedroom. Of course, it had aroused him, of course, he had wanted to participate, but there hadn't been enough money to join them. So he had been left with his own imaginations and a throbbing problem in his trousers.
The ball ended some time after midnight. After he had left her on the gallery, she hadn't seen him again. He seemed to have vanished, just like the trees outside had vanished in the thick fog of the night.
Worn out and yet restless Elsie entered her sitting room. Some strands of her hair had started to loose and so she tried to rearrange her hair with one hand while the other one was searching for the light switch. To her enormous surprise she found Mr Carson waiting for her. He was sitting on one of the chairs at the table and stared at his hands which lay on his knees.
"You're still up?" she asked surprised.
"I was waiting for you," he explained, facing a point on the wall. "I had hoped you would come in here before going up."
"How nice of you." She doubted he had been waiting out of kindness, but if there was an argument to follow, she didn't want to be the one to start it. She was never scared of a fight, but tonight she had no energy to fight. Elsie closed the door and sank onto the chair next to the door.
"Mr Lane, Mr Burns, your Lady friend... Is there anyone else I should know about?"
She frowned, "What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean."
"No, I don't." Her voice was high pitched, ready to fight back, in case, just in case, he would start calling her names.
"Why did you never tell me about her before?" he wanted to know. "Why only now, after she died? You must have known I wouldn't leave you alone about it."
"I didn't see the point. Besides..."
"Yes?"
"Besides, I hardly think about it. It happened a long time ago."
"Was that before or after you met Mr Burns?" he asked. She gave him a sideways glance. It seemed, her confession had opened a can of worms. He had never questioned her about her love life before. He had even kept his tongue about Mr Lane, which had surprised her. Not that she had been eager to talk about him or any other person of her past. She preferred not to live in the past, she always preferred to look forward. Looking back was often painful, and rarely useful.
But today she had been reminded of something she had almost forgotten. The past was always a part of oneself. It defined one, drove one, it had made her the person she was now.
"I met her before I met Joe. And before you ask, Joe courted me, but there was never anything improper between us. He always behaved like a gentleman."
"I see."
"I don't think you do, but maybe that doesn't matter."
"And what makes you say that?"
"Because you've already made up your mind."
"Well, you're right about that."
Elsie scoffed. "So, I guess that's it then. Good night then." She rose from her chair and opened the door.
"I just wonder," he got on his feet as well. "Why you appear to be so sure about what I think."
Her hand lay on the door handle. She was hesitating now. Something in his voice told her that going now could turn out to be mistake. He sounded strict as always, when he discussed a difficult matter, but there was a shadow of sadness lingering in his words that surprised her.
"I know you, Charles," she answered sadly.
"Yes, I guess you know me quite well, but not as well as you think."
Elsie turned around, folded her hands in front of her. "Then prove me wrong!" she demanded.
"Was it love? With that woman I mean."
She shook her head. "It was loneliness and a certain amount of alcohol. It made me brave and foolish and I hurt her very badly."
"Did she forgive you?"
She narrowed her eyebrows, surprised about his question. She thought about the letter she had received that morning. "Yes, she did after all, but I'm not sure I deserved it."
"If it took her so long, she didn't know you very well and she certainly never loved you."
Elsie laughed bitterly. "You've had your heart broken, Charles. I'm sure you know how it feels and how hard it is to forgive."
"Yes, but I also know the difference between a broken heart and bruised pride. When I realized what you had with Mr Lane I first thought my heart would break, but later I realized it was just my pride that kept me from fighting for you."
He closed the distance between them and touched her face. "You made a mistake and you paid for it, but I won't chastise you for it... and I certainly won't give up on you because of it."
"So, you don't think I'm soiled?" she asked, tears dwelling in her eyes.
He pulled her to him and kissed her head. "No, my love, I don't."
Later she lay in his arms and drew small, indescribable figures on his chest while she was lost in her thoughts.
She had lit a candle that stood on the small night stand next to them and its flame bathed the room into soft light. Every time he held her close to him, he realized how small and soft she was compared to him. The thought made him smile, because the bed was way too small to be occupied by two grown people. On the other hand it was nice to have her so close.
"What's so funny?" she asked, as if she had sensed his smile.
"Nothing. I'm just very content right now."
"You mean you're very pleased with yourself," she scolded him softly.
"Why should I?" he asked, pretending not to understand the hidden meaning of her remark.
She turned a little so that she could look at his face. He smiled at her and kissed her. "I'm just very content with having you here, having you near me. Why can't you just believe that?" he asked.
"I guess, I do believe it. It's just that sometimes..."
"Yes?"
She sighed and lowered her head to place a kiss on his chest. "I'm not sure I quite deserve this. I've hurt so many people in the past... my mother when I left Scotland and the life she wanted me to have, Joe, when I turned him down, not once, but twice and then there's Brenda. I broke her heart, because I was foolish. And don't even get me started on Edward Lane... and you."
"I won't tell you now that I'm sorry to hear that," he said and dug his fingers into her long hair.
"And I'm also not sorry you didn't marry Joe Burns or Edward Lane." He kissed her again. "Not as long as you'll marry me someday."
"Are you sure you still want me as a wife? I'm hardly what people would call a respectable woman."
"You'll always have my respect and if respect was champagne I would make you bath in it every day."
She blushed and lowered her eyes, "I'll remind you about that when the next wine delivery arrives."
"Be my guest."
She rolled her eyes, slightly amused. "Do you really think we'll ever get away from this house?"
"Oh, I hope so. I don't wish to carry trays and shout at young foolish footmen for the rest of my life."
"You don't?" She seemed honestly surprised.
"No, one day I want to wake up next to you in a nice little cottage that belongs to us."
"And we'll spend our days with gardening and all the other odds and ends of normal couples?" she asked doubtfully.
His heart sank a little, "Isn't that what you wanted, too?"
"I never really thought about it," she admitted. "At least not in detail."
"Well, maybe we should start to think about it – in detail," he suggested. "Before you'll get into your head to marry somebody else."
"Don't worry," she said lowly, as she bent forward. Now she was the one who kissed his lips and teased him until he responded and returned her kiss with increasing passion.
"There's nobody else, there hasn't been in a long time. I love you," she mumbled against his mouth. "Maybe it's time I'm done sticking to the shadows and searching for the light instead."
"Whatever you do, I want you to do it with me," he said. "In the shadows or in the bright light of the day. I'm always on your side."
They exchanged a smile and she leaned in for another slow kiss.
"And I'm on yours," she whispered. "Always."
The End
Thank you for everyone who take their time to comment on this story or wrote me a message! A big kiss goes, as always, to my beta Gemenied who is a fantastic writer!