yours (to let go of)

for danidefazio

Taking steps backward in time. Nico never expected his feelings to be reciprocated.

[T; slightly mature themes, nothing explicit; percico, past-percabeth, implied one-sided jasico]

Just to be clear, each snippet is further back in time than the last. So, chronologically, you would read from the bottom up. The story, though, of course, reads from the top down. This wrote itself in the second person, Nico's point of view.

And, most importantly...

Merry Christmas!

x.

After you drown, Elysium is waiting, because he was always yours.

ix.

The kiss is heated and passionate and desperate and you have him pinned up against the wall, one hand in his hair and the other slowly creeping up his shirt.

He tastes of salt and the sea breeze and all you can think of is Percy.

He leans back and breaks away for a second, face flushed and eyes half lidded as he gasps for breath. You know you can't look much better.

"Nico," he murmurs, voice hoarse and urgent as he leans toward you, "I love you."

And suddenly you're kissing again and when you realize that all he can think of is Nico, a smile tugs unconsciously at your lips. Finally, you think. Finally. Then, I love you too. I love you too.

viii.

Riptide swings toward you in a blur of bronze and suddenly your ADHD kicks in and you can pick out every little detail.

You see Anaklusmos, glowing in the harsh sunlight, and you see his hand and his arms and the beads of sweat dripping down his forehead.

You bring your own Stygian Iron sword up to parry it – too slow, too late – and it is with almost comical alacrity that you find yourself pinned to the ground, both panting in exertion.

His eyes find yours and you find yourself drowning in sea-green all over again and your breath catches in surprise as he leans toward you.

Your chin tilts up and your lips meet his and it's like the world has pieced itself together again.

vii.

"You still love Annabeth, don't you?" you say, and it's more a statement than a question.

He startles, tensing, before relaxing again. Slowly, with hesitance, he replies. "Yeah."

You eye him, gaze dark. "Why?" is all you say. Why aren't you still with her?

He laughs, harsh and brutal, and swipes an arm over his eyes. "Why do you care? I'm with you now, aren't I?"

"No," you breathe. "You're not. Not really."

Because you can tell all that's on his mind is Annabeth Annabeth Annabeth every fucking second of every fucking day.

"Nico," he says, probably harsher than intended. "Just drop it. Please."

And suddenly you're holding him as he cries, kissing the tears away.

vi.

"Hey," you whisper, "Percy?"

"Yeah?" he says back.

"Are we a- you know." Your face is red and you avert your eyes to the side. You frown. "Are we a- athing?"

"A thing?" He asks incredulously, laughing. You can hear the smile in his voice. "Yeah, we are. We are."

His fingertips brush over yours and he smiles brightly at you – brightly, but distantly.

Oh, you realize. Oh.

And although you're as happy as you've ever been, your smile carries just a hint of sadness.

He's never been mine. He's Annabeth's.

v.

The first time his hand curls around yours you freeze.

His fingers are warm like the sun-kissed sea and yours are cold as death and the moment your hands touch a spark of life fires within you.

Because Percy is life, isn't he? He is laughter and sunshine and waves kissing your feet and if anyone could personify life it would be him.

When you glance up his face is half-turned away and his cheeks are burning and he stubbornly refuses to look at you.

Face hot, you glance back down at your entangled fingers and, despite yourself, smile ruefully.

iv.

"Annabeth," he says, voice low and serious, and they're standing much too close, you think. Much too close.

But that's unfair, because Annabeth's a good friend and a nice girl and he deserves someone like her. He deserves to be happy and loved and in love – deserves to be with someone who knows him and understands him like Annabeth does.

"Annabeth," he repeats, and she looks sad and mournful as she meets his gaze. "This isn't working.We aren't working."

And your heart stops and stutters and sputters back to life because what? This isn't right, because he's the hero and she's the princess, and they're so in love that it hurts to think about it but Annabeth doesn't even look surprised.

"I know," she says, and starts to walk away.

Her eyes are a stormy gray and she looks like she might cry at any given moment and really, Percy doesn't look much better, but when she spots you in the doorway, her lips quirk up in a shaky smile.

"You're the one," she whispers, voice choked and eyes tearing up. She sounds almost happy. "You're the one."

iii.

You watch them from a distance and your heart contracts painfully because Percy is smiling brilliantly brightly lovingly at her in the way that you know he will never smile at you.

Annabeth throws her head back and laughs, and you can almost hear the affectionate "Seaweed Brain" leaving her lips as she leans in to kiss him.

You turn away now, because it's almost painful to watch, and startle when you see Jason standing next to you.

"Dude," he says, eyes shifting over to the faraway pair, "You sure you ever stopped loving him?"

You can feel the heat radiating off your face and your mouth twists into a scowl. "Of course," you bite out.

He turns his gaze back to you, and his eyes are a little sad, a little wistful. "If you love somebody, let them go," he mutters, "for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

You snort. "When did you get philosophical?"

He shakes his head and turns away. "Just think about it," he tosses over his shoulder as he leaves.

He was never mine to begin with, you think. And I was never yours.

When you look back up, Percy is staring at you with all the intensity of his earlier smile – brow furrowed, head cocked, eyes almost melancholy.

He is saying something to Annabeth and her mouth is twisted into a frown, brow furrowed as she grips his hand bone white.

Slowly, and then with greater haste, you walk away.

ii.

After you save the world you're a little high on adrenaline and happiness.

We're alive, you realize,and it's a euphoric sensation, being alive and safe for the first time in who knows how long. We're all alive.

It is only when Percy smiles at you across the room and your heart rate speeds like it never has before that you realize that really, you're not safe yet.

You're in love with Percy, you can admit that to yourself, at least, but Percy's one of your only friends and he's in love with Annabeth and only Annabeth, and who are you to interfere?

But you watch and you wonder and the next time you're alone with him, you tell him.

Eyes wide and mouth garbled with apologies (I'm sorry it was me, Nico, I'm sorry, you don't deserve this, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry), he leaves.

i.

Falling in love with Percy Jackson is a lot like drowning, you realize.

Drowning is slow and languorous and painful, and when it finally stops hurting, it's only because you're dead.

And when you fall in love, you choke yourself on your own disbelief, choke yourself on your own denial, and when you finally accept that you love him, love Percy fucking Jackson, there's no damn point because it's PercyandAnnabeth and AnnabethandPercy, and always has been.

You let him go, because he was never yours.

AN:

Written for the PJO secret santa over at tumblr, prompt: "as a ship Jason/Nico with a series of firsts, or Percy/Nico same gist or even Annabeth/Thalia falling in love, or anything with those ships is fine too. Or a bromantic anything with Frank/Percy, or Frank/anyone."

I digressed greatly, but that's all right.

etione