Finding My Heart

By: WitchingMoon

Rated: M for mature content, adult situations, violence and cursing

Summary: Kikyo has shattered Kagome's hopes of having a relationship with InuYasha by making him confess unknowingly in front of her his love for the dead miko. What lengths will the miko from the future go to make sure she can have a happy life even if that means InuYasha will not be a part of it? Kikyo fans be warned… probably not a fic for you. X3

AN: Hello and thank you for giving my fic a chance. I have never actually published my work online for the masses before so this is kind of new for me. LoL I was watching the series with my beta and turned to him during one episode where Kikyo is a total wench saying "that it would be a good start for a fan fic". He told me to get to work. *grins* So, here it is and I hope you enjoy. PLEASE give me feedback through reviews. I find that my muse functions purely through their power. 3 Enjoy!

Ps: Thank you and much love to my awesome beta, CyanideTerror. 3 I was listening to Apocalyptica – I don't care when I wrote this.

Chapter one: Shattered Illusions

Brown eyes brimming with unshed tears, Kagome stared brokenly as Kikyo and InuYasha embraced only eight feet in front of her. The dead miko had placed a spell on her and she was bound by soul collectors to a small tree where she had stumbled upon the waiting clay woman. No matter how loud she yelled, only Kikyo could hear her and struggling against the demons had so far proven useless.

"InuYasha… I'm right here!" Kagome yelled, trying once again to gain his attention. After no response, she switched tactics. "Kikyo, I know you can hear me. Let me go!"

The only reply she received was a sideways glance under the dead miko's eyelashes and a hate filled smirk. Kikyo tightened her hold on the hanyou and asked the loaded question that was sure to shatter her reincarnations soul. "InuYasha, do you love me?"

Returning the tight squeeze with one of his own, InuYasha nuzzled his face into his love's long black hair. "Of course, Kikyo, I always have and always will."

Kagome's heart froze in her chest. She couldn't breathe and her vision was blurred by a constant flow of tears while she mentally chastised herself. 'He never had room in his heart to love me. Kikyo had always been and always would be the one residing there and there was nothing I could have done. I… I was such a fool. If only I had been able to keep my heart locked away maybe I could have saved myself from this pain. InuYasha… I love you. You wouldn't have had to change to be with me. I love you just the way you are. The strong but secretly kind hanyou that stole my heart when I least expected it.'

A wail of despair was quickly followed by a lavender glow around the bound miko as she watched Kikyo kiss InuYasha and start a gateway that would pull the two of them into Hell. He was going to leave them all, not only Kagome, but the rest of the Inutachi as well. Shippo… Sango… Miroku… Kirara… He was going to leave them all without even saying good-bye. The heartache she could take since it was her own fault but this was beyond unfair. "No! InuYasha!"

Kikyo had won and there was no longer any reason for her to linger. Becoming frustrated with her reincarnations screaming, she shoved InuYasha away from her and allowed her soul collectors to carry her away. Somewhat put out, the hanyou turned to leave until he heard a sniffle behind him. Looking back, Kagome slowly appeared leaning against the tree for support after the soul collectors had abandoned her to carry off the dead miko.

He took one look at her dull eyes and tear stained face and knew something terrible was about to happen. "Kagome, I-"

"InuYasha… I saw it all. I don't need you to explain." The young miko pushed away from the tree and carefully made her way towards the hanyou. She stopped only inches before him and chocolate brown eyes filled with tears met and held his golden gaze. "I don't want to hear your excuses or any lies. You meant every word you said to her and I will not stand here and force you to feel things for me that will never be true." Before InuYasha could react, Kagome grabbed the subjugation necklace around his neck and gave a vicious tug, the spell shattering much like her heart in her hand. The beads and fangs fell like so many tears to be lost in the grass at their feet. "You are free of me… And I of you. Good-bye, InuYasha."

Turning on her heel, the young miko walked away from her love and left him standing there, wondering how it had come to this. InuYasha wanted to follow her but know that Kagome would only become more upset. She would come back. He figured she would head home to her own time and they would hear from her in a few days. That is always what happened when they had a fight. InuYasha had no idea how wrong he was.

~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~

Kagome had nothing with her. No bow, arrows, camping supplies or backpack full of luxuries from the future. She didn't want to go back for them either so she kept walking through the dark forest, ignoring the tears that still made tracks down her cheeks. She just kept moving, not really paying attention to how far or how long she had gone. It didn't matter as long as she kept moving.

The sky was starting to lighten when she came across a wide, gently running river and she stopped for a bit for a drink and to rest her feet. Her mind wasn't registering much pain as it tried to keep her numb inside and out to save her sanity so at least she had that working in her favor.

Watching a bit of drift wood go by at a steady pace got her mind working. 'Water… InuYasha always loses scents of enemies when they follow water.' She knew the Inutachi would try to find her once they figured out she hadn't gone home. She didn't want to see the pity in her mother's eyes. Kagome just wanted to be left alone. No pressure from family, school or friends. She knew she was hanging on by a thread and she would NOT give Kikyo the satisfaction of killing her.

Making up her mind, Kagome pulled her shoes and socks off and used the scarf from her school uniform to bundle them together and tied them across her back. Taking a bracing breath, the young miko dived into the river and began the long swim downstream.

~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~

"WHAT!?" The other three human/humanoid members of the Inutachi all yelled at once causing InuYasha's dog ears to flatten against his head. Damn, they knew how to make his ears ring.

"How could you?" Sango was trying desperately to get to the hanyou to rip him into tiny pieces with her bare hands but was being held back by the lecherous monk. "Let me go, houshi!"

He struggled to keep her back but that didn't stop him from laying into the dog himself. "That was very insensitive and reckless, InuYasha! Letting Kagome wander off after witnessing that... Who knows what kind of mental state she's in or where she could end up? Have you gone through the well to make sure she made it home?" Miroku asked and then grunted when the taijiya in his arms landed a powerful blow with her elbow to his ribs.

InuYasha had the decency to look guilty and rub behind one of his ears nervously. "Well, no… Not yet. I figured I would giver her a few days to calm down and think things through before-"

The hanyou was cut off by Shippo's tearful wail. "Why did you have to be so mean? I want my mommy!" The little kitsune threw himself down on the sleeping bag he and Kagome shared every night no longer able to hold in the tears and sobs for his adoptive mother. Even Kirara growled and hissed at the hanyou before cuddling up against the kit in an attempt to comfort him.

"This is all that dead sluts fault. Why couldn't you see that Kagome loves you?" The taijiya yells, causing InuYasha to first becoming angry for the slander of Kikyo and then flinch from the truth of Kagome's feelings. Sango is no fool and her eyes narrow dangerously on the dog as she stops struggling against the monk. "You knew… You knew she loved you and you still snuck off to see Kikyo time and again, you bastard!" Miroku could not hold back Sango's rage as she burst free from his grasp and landed a solid right hook on the hanyou's jaw. She watched with little satisfaction that his head actually did snap to the left and he stumbled back from the shock and impact. "Next time Kikyo tries to toss you in Hell, let her. You deserve it. You may not care about Kagome but I do. I'm going to go look for signs that my sister made it home safe." Grabbing her hiraikotsu, Sango ran from the camp and started scouting for tracks in hopes that Kagome was alright.

InuYasha was too furious to meet Miroku's eyes. The monk just crossed his arms over his chest and sighed. "Is there no way of convincing you to go to the well now?"

"Keh" The hanyou turned and jumped into the nearest tree and closed his tired eyes. After the emotional roller coaster he had been on since seeing Kikyo last night he felt the need for a rest though none came for him.

~*)O(* ~ ~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~

After alternating between swimming and drifting downstream for most of the day, Kagome sluggishly pulled herself from the cold water. Her teeth were chattering noisily against each other and her whole body was numb from cold. She flopped down onto her back on the stone bank and couldn't find the will to move just yet.

The massive rock under her slowly warmed her with the heat it had collected from the sun through the day. Kagome sighed and looked up at the fading light in the sky. It was going to be dark soon. Looking from right to left, she tried to see if anything around her looked familiar from her travels but she was drawing a blank which didn't bother her in the least.

The lump of her shoes under her was starting to bother her so Kagome rolled to her side and pushed herself into a sitting position. Though she had put a lot of distance between them, Kagome was reluctant to stop for fear that InuYasha would somehow find her. Tossing that thought aside, the little miko forced herself to her feet and start looking for somewhere safe to stay for the night.

Will power alone kept her on her feet and moving toward a sakura tree. The branches were heavily weighted down with blossoms causing the branches to bend and brush the forest floor. If her guess was right, there would be a nice hiding spot under it. The heady fragrance of the open blooms would help mask her scent.

Pushing her way through the thick curtain of pink flowers, Kagome was able to rest against the base of the tree and close her eyes to slip into oblivion.

~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~ ~*)O(*~

Coming up in Chapter Two: Broken foundations

"Kagome… Please, let me prove my love to you. I swear I will never leave your side."

AN: And that is it for chapter one. Wonder who is speaking in that little teaser… *smiles* Guess you'll have to come back for chapter two to find out. I very much hope you enjoyed it and I would LOVE FEEDBACK! The review button is right there. You know you want to click it. 3

~WitchingMoon