Coal Alternative of Lordran

A gift?

How nice

Dung pie?

Nevermind

[ AN: Um... I started this second piece with legitimate intentions, and it turned into something else. I'll underline Lautrec's lines to clear this up. I really apologize for what you're about to read. ]

Titanite

Griggs awaited his companion beside the bonfire at Firelink Shrine for several hours. This was confusing, as Lautrec was only just downstairs talking to Anastacia.

When the man arrived, the festivities began after a quick chewing out. Griggs hung skull lanterns around the scene as Lautrec looked on. He was always the lazy one.

Finally, the shrine looked like Soulmas, and the two sat across the bonfire from one another.

"Okay, on three," said Griggs. He reached behind him to ready his wrapped present.

"One... Two... Three!"

The pair of them drew their presents and held them at arm's length in offering to the other. With their free hands, the gifts were accepted.

Griggs withdrew a massive rectangular object, obscured by wrapping parchment. Lautrec gifted a slightly smaller triangular present, similarly hidden. The present could have been anything helpful, though (rings, while small, were the most effective items in Lordran), so Griggs did not lose hope that the present was good.

The paper was torn open excitedly, filling the air with crisp sounds of Soulmas wrapping parchment being shredded.

"Oh," said Griggs.

"You got me a... Titanite slab."

"... You don't like it?"

"Well, I mean, yeah but... I mean, ya know... Price limit..."

"Yeah I mean... Really, all you could do was a... shard?"

"I mean, the economy and everything... Trying to be thrifty..."

"But it's not like it costs anything to go out and... Just get some titanite..."

"Oh, oh really, so you didn't spend any souls on this? This huge piece of titanite?"

"Not a single soul, I just went and killed a stray demon. I mean, not a huge deal."

"... Really?"

"Yeah."

"Like, forreal?"

"Yes, forreal. And now I guess I can go... upgrade my +1 claymore..."

"You don't use claymores."

"Exactly."

"Hey, no need to be rude, okay, I thought there was a price limit here, I'm not the one from Vinheim -"

"I just told you it didn't cost anything -"

"I'm not over here like 'oh look at me and my dragon school education!'"

"Oh, so that's what this is about."

"What?"

"You're jealous about the sorcery thing. Look, I referred you to Logan, and you were busy visiting the Undead Parish. I mean, if it wasn't for me teaching the Chosen Undead sorcery, he probably never would've gone there to save your ass."

"See, it all boils down to this whole inferiority complex you've got."

"Just because somebody's naturally more successful doesn't mean they have an inferiority complex!"

"Yeah, well, you're the exception."

"You're just throwing words around, like what are you even saying anymore -"

"Blossoms."

"What?"

"I really would have liked some green blossoms."

"Do you know how much that thing in your lap is worth?"

"Well, none of my stuff is over +3, so I guess I won't be using it for a while, now will I?"

"How the hell was I supposed to know that?"

"Maybe you should've asked. Shows how much you care."

"... Why the hell are we giving each other gifts anyway, we're both grown men."

"I was kind of thinking the same thing."

"Wanna go catch a movie?"

"Yeah, Thor 2 is out and I've been wanting to see it."

"Alright, let's go."

"What should I do with this heavy-ass thing?"

"Let's throw it at Petrus later."

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I hate that douchebag."

FIN.

Merry Soulmas.