Frank Zhang climbed into the dining room of the Argo II after a long shift of holding off mountain giants. He was pretty worn out, and plenty hungry, so he was looking forward to tucking in big time.

The room was empty, except for Nico di Angelo slumped forward in a chair across the table from where Frank had plopped down. He looked up when Frank sat. Frank felt a little less hungry.

"Frank." He noted.

Frank shifted, awkwardly putting a spoonful of Mac n cheese in his mouth. "Hi Nico."

Nico made a face like Frank was an adorably funny little baby pig that Nico had just seen, but Nico was hungry, and bacon was tasty.

"So Frank, my sister's told me a lot about you."

"Um, yeah! Hazels great. We actually started dating a few weeks ago, and she's a really great friend, and-" Frank cut himself off, swallowing his awkward torrent of words.

"I heard." Nico said, raising an eyebrow. "Now Frank, look sharp, because this is important." Frank put down his fork and creased his brow worriedly, looking more like a confused, jacked baby than ever.

"Frank, firstly, my sisters thirteen. So don't try anything. If you two fuck, which would be messed up because again, thirteen, I blame you. And you die, then burn forever. Secondly," Nico went on, holding up a hand as Frank started to yelp that he would never. "You can't mess around with her. If she comes crying because of you, or if you hurt her, I blame you. And you die, then burn forever. Thirdly, you have to treat her like I'm right there. All the time. Oh, you're trying to make out with her some night? No, because I'm standing right there, and that would be rude. Keep in mind that I could literally be occupying any given shadow at any given time. I could be right there. You never know. So a good rule of thumb, is to assume that I'm always watching you." Nico looked at Frank expectantly.

Frank managed a nod. "Uh-I wouldn't ever...hurt Hazel, I mean, she's great! Amazing girl!" He gulped awkwardly. He was so regretting coming in to eat.

"Yeah. She is, Frank." Nico said. "So you're pretty lucky she's slumming it."

Frank sank a little lower into his chair, the plate of food in front of him suddenly not so appetizing.

"So Frank, basically, I know you've liked my sister forever, it was obvious, but that doesn't give you any brownie points."

Frank nodded awkwardly, trying not to notice the menacing black sword hung casually at Nico's side, and how his fingers were drumming absentmindedly on the hilt.

Nico leaned forward, clasping his hands together on the table. The guy was still skeletal and greenish pale, but he seemed scary. His hair cast creepy shadows over his face, making this conversation so much more intimidating than it already was. Frank considered turning into a fly and making a break for it under the door.

"Alright Frank, now that we've covered the basics, I'm going to ask you some questions. Answer me completely honestly, because I'll always find out if you lie."

Frank nodded, face resembling the look of someone who was about to get pushed off a cliff.

"Frank, have you ever screwed my sister?"

Frank yelped and jumped a foot in his chair, earning the same baby pig look from Nico as before. "What! Of course not!" he panted.

"Frank, have you ever touched anywhere on my sister that a swimsuit will cover?" Nico raised his eyebrows.

Frank was blushing horribly by now, after the initial paleness from shock had worn off. "No!"

"Frank, have you two done anything remotely sexual at all?"

"No!" Frank wanted to die.

"Frank, have you stuck your tongue in her mouth?"

"No!"

"Dude, have you even kissed her?"

"Well, yeah once..." Frank said, eyes boring into the tabletop. He would welcome death, he thought, if it would spare him this conversation. Maybe his stick of wood could catch fire if he willed it to hard enough, even though it wasn't here.

Nico rolled his eyes. "Fine, next topic. Frank, what weapon do you fight with?"

Frank sat up straight in his chair, trying to look more presentable. If he had been warned that he was going to be debriefed and interviewed for the position of Hazel's boyfriend by Nico, he would have pressed his pants, ironed his shirt, polished his tags, and at least have taken a shower.

"Uh, well, I used to fight with a bow, but it broke, and then a spear, but it broke, so I guess I don't have one, but I can shift-"

Nico tutted. "Hmm, no weapon, and a tendency for breaking things. I see."
Frank gulped.

"Frank, how many girlfriends have you had in the past?" Nico said, an expression of total judgement on his face.

Frank sighed, relived that the answer to this question was a good one. "Just Hazel, sir." he wasn't sure why he had just called Nico 'sir'.

"Hmm, seeming lack of social skills, and is completely unappealing. Not sure what my sister is doing with YOU." Frank gulped, somehow having fudged the question again.

"Frank, what are your goals?"

Frank blinked. "Uh, my goals? I guess to...save the world from Gaea. And not die. And uh...go...to...college?" he said, wildly grasping for something that would make him sound good.

Nico crossed his arms. "I see. Frank, do you have any idea where you're going to get the money for that?"

Frank swallowed. "Well...no? But I-"

Nico cut him off. "I've heard enough about your 'college' plans, Frank." Frank could hear the quotes in his voice.

"Frank, have you ever made my sister cry? Stress her out? Make her insecure? Don't lie."

"No! Well, I hope not, but-"

"Hmm, too perfect. Obviously putting up a good farce at the beginning of your relationship only to pull a jerk out of the hat when you become comfortable. I see."

Frank felt a little like he was melting.

"Frank, on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate Hazel?"

Frank took a deep breath, looking for the perfect answer. He decided on clarification.

"Do you mean her personality, or her as a whole, or her looks, or...?" he asked nervously.

"Looks."

Frank swallowed. If he said anything to low, he'd be calling Hazel ugly, but it might sound desperate if he went with anything too high. But then again, wasn't it better to call her the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen than to call her average?

He took a deep breath. "Eleven."

Nico tutted. "That leaves negative room on the spectrum for personality. So, you're only into Hazels 'cause she's hot? Well, Frank, I think I've heard enough." he got up, walking over to the door.

"Wait, no! That's not want I meant!"

Nico suddenly laughed, grinning from ear to ear. Which somehow just looked more intimidating. "Come on, I'm messing with you. I was just kidding about all of that, gods! Except seriously, don't fuck my sister." he said, his face growing serious as he nodded, one eyebrow raised, and ducked out the door.

Frank sat there, really, really confused and really, really embarrassed.