Hello! I'm sorry, with finals lingering overhead, this is the last chapter of this story until they're done. But I promise I'll return:)

This part may be dark and disturbing towards the end, so I apologize ahead of time for anything you may find scary. I was partially inspired for this chapter by the Imagine Dragons' song "Monster"

Truly a great song. Hope you like it!

No one could understand the guilt clawing at his throat, the bile of disgust he has at himself. Gaius. The one man he truly came to with problems, who healed every cut and scratch he earned as protecting the Prince (now King) of Camelot, fallen into a raging torrent of water, probably dying of oxygen deprivation. It nearly made Merlin sick thinking the thought.

The warlock desperately, even obsessively, begged Arthur to find Gaius. In the off chance he's alive, or to recover his body. Anything was better than leaving him to be eaten by wild animals. But Arthur had sadly shook his head, saying that the only way down the chasm was to jump yourself. The next moment had Mordred and Elyan on top of Emrys, keeping him from leaping. Merlin had been frantic, he needed proof to see that his guardian, his friend, the only figure that he's seen as a father, was truly... gone. But his knight 'friends' seemed to suspect and accept the worse. That Merlin wished to end his life to be with his guardian again.

The knights now think him unstable, untrustworthy to his own personnel safety. He's under guard discreetly (not really) by Arthur. He's accompanied everywhere either by either Leon or Mordred. Elyan was even keeping Gaius' worldly possessions locked within his steed's saddlebags. It made the warlock desperate. He couldn't even see what Gaius had held for his last few hours. Doesn't he at least deserve to look at them?!

Emrys, stop. Please, we're just trying... Mordred spoke softly, not unfriendly, but in a firm reprimanding kind of way that faintly reminded Merlin of Gaius. He swallowed and pushed the echoing voice of the Druid boy away, feeling cold and alone, and didn't want Mordred's false words promising him a glimmer of hope that will just be snatched away again. He responded with his mental voice void of emotion.

Stop. Just leave me alone Mordred. I don't need more lies to add to the scores I already got from them. Furiously, the warlock jabbed his head toward the group of knights that were giving a suspicious glance to the pair. The warlock shuffled to another tree, and placed himself in the gnarled roots gratefully.

He didn't want to see anyone now. Everyone was believing that he was insane. Maybe he was.

But it was because of grief. Survivor's guilt? Merlin had survived poison, beatings, kidnappings, daily taxing work, death threats, and many death attempts. But Gaius had died, in one quick accident that could've been avoided. If only I told Arthur, or had just used magic to save him, he'd still be here. He wouldn't be floating down a river...

Merlin swallowed as a new round of frustrated tears leaked out from behind his eyes. Clenching them together, the warlock started sobbing silently as another wave of hopeless grief washed over him. He was so alone, so afraid, that he felt like a child back in Ealdor. That he needed someone who cared for him to hold him and tell him that he was loved. Gaius had embodied the father he never knew. He even told Merlin that he was like a son to the physician, and that he loved the warlock in that way. Now again he was the fatherless bastard that the people of Ealdor claimed he was.

Even after a few days of wondering, Arthur never rested the way back to Camelot. His guilty conscience hung over his head like a storm, growing heavier and heavier the closer they drew back to the kingdom. Merlin was still tied to his horse, which Mordred was leading. The youngest knight had felt that he should be the one to keep Merlin company, though Arthur felt he should've done the labors for his servant.

But Mordred, Arthur suspected, wanted to let Merlin know that he wasn't alone in his suffering. That Mordred was also a hidden sorcerer, and that he lost his parental figure in a gruesome, and undeserving death. But Merlin hasn't experienced much love where he was raised. Gaius was obvious to show his care to the raven haired young man. Maybe he knew Merlin's situation. But either way, the old physician had become one of only two older figures who gave him the love he'd been desiring in a father.

Arthur swallowed and rode onward, steeling a glance at the servant.

His eyes were glassy, unseeing and unfocused. His breathing was labored and heavy, still remaining from the first night. But due to the slipped sleeping draughts, his dark circles under the blue eyes weren't as prominent. Sensing eyes on him, Merlin tiredly raised his gaze to glance around. When Arthur turned too late to avoid the unyielding glance of his servant, the younger man's eyes narrowed in irritation. Uncomfortably shifting his wrists to try and twist around to face Arthur, Merlin tugged even more to break his chafing bonds. He screamed in frustration.

"Merlin! Calm down Merlin!" Arthur grasped Merlin's shoulder to stop his struggling, knowing that if they were to continue, Merlin would hurt himself. Yet Emrys felt the touch as even more false comfort that tried to ensnare him again. Even more so when the hidden warlock saw that it was the king who tried to hold him back from freeing himself.

"Don't touch me!" Merlin snarled as he finally tore himself free from the horse's saddle. The steed reared back in terror as the rush of knights came forward to calm the poor beast. The warlock's eyes lit up a sickly yellow as the ropes shredded themselves to pieces. Arthur watched as the warlock started to run towards the edge of the Darkling Woods. Fear clawed the Once and Future King's heart that he might let another one of his family members die. Screaming for Mordred, the pair escaped the chaos, the two ran after the crazed wizard.

"MERLIN?! MERLIN! Please! Answer us!" cried the king in frantic desperation. Echoing adjacent to Arthur was Mordred, who if possible sounded even more desperate than his king. Their screams at first seemed to have no affect, but a rustle in the nearby brush alerted the pair that someone was running. Mordred, without thinking, did his Druid Scream, which blasted the runner of their feet.

Arthur ran toward the man who moaned, who luckily turned out to be Merlin. Attempting to help his best friend up, Emrys gasped up and began to flail his arms in defense. A maniac scream escaped his pale lips.

"Leave me alone..." he whimpered softly, as the servant pulled his legs into himself. His red neckerchirf was torn in several places, his trousers were worn down and his jacket had mud caked to the brim imbued with it. Worried, Mordred tentatively reached his hand out to Merlin, who had stilled in the moments of being in the fetal position. But a sudden trembling shook the ground and launched the pair of knights backwards. The warlock had turned to look at his friends, fear faintly glowing behind the pale gold of his irises.

"I'm..."

"Merlin?" Arthur softly questioned, concern lacing the words. He looked up to see Merlin shaking his head slowly. But then the shaking increased, and soon spread to the entirety of his scrawny body. Merlin's fingers clawed into his skull in such self-hatred, Mordred could even sense the frigid emotion behind Emrys' magic. Merlin's eyes shown a blue that reflected back the hollow fear that radiated off Merlin.

"I'm a monster... Gaius was wrong... I'm a..." the warlock stuttered, trailing off as soon as he spoke. The reassurances Gaius gave him seemed so false now, so unreal, that Merlin wasn't sure if he believed them anymore. Merlin could almost hear the children back in his village, chanting "bastard" and "freak" around the hidden sorcerer, as if akin to reciting nursery rhymes. Now he knew why they were true. Now he knew why his mother and Gaius had tried to tell him otherwise.

They were afraid of the monster that Merlin could be.

And the warlock never fully realized until he finally snapped and almost killed his best friend and a boy who was so similar to a brother. Now they knew, and Merlin was sure that they would despise him like everyone else.

That was when a glint of shining metal captured his gaze. Lying only about a foot opposite of Emrys, was a sharp sword that he knew was Mordred's, as Arthur's own was encrusted with jewels and had a sterling silver guard. Images pooled into his mind into a blinding frenzy, but he knew where they all lead to. Merlin wasn't complaining either. So he grasped it with weak, shaky hands.

Arthur saw this, and knowing what his best friend was trying to do, screamed out his name and broke into a run. Mordred leaped after him, eyes as frantic as a hunting dog's.

But neither could stop the sword sliding almost angelic-like through Merlin's torso. Or the blood staining the grass in tiny, tear shaped droplets.

Yet to Merlin, he let himself drift, defying all orders from his king, his friends who joined the seen almost unrealistically, and even the boy who he considered a brother. Merlin chose to stop. Warmth spread blissfully into a euphoric symphony. And Merlin spiraled downward, like the tiny falcon for which he is named.

Soaring downward

Falling with no wings

Nothing but silence echoes everywhere...

Then darkness swallowed him entirely.

I know, dark and twisted, but wouldn't anyone go crazy if everything just seemed to build up against them? But don't worry Merlin fans, he may not be dead. I know, because I'm the author:)

Review Question: What do you think Merlin wanted everyone to understand?

Dragon Out!