You Were a Kindness

I'll do what I can to be a confident wreck
Can't feel this way forever I mean
There wasn't any way for anyone to settle in
You made a slow disaster out of me

The earth was shaking beneath his feet—it was rattling itself apart. He could feel it; it was more than an earthquake, but rather the foundations of the world tearing itself limb from limb. Somewhere in his once-beloved city, a kekkai was breaking, every tremor bringing the world closer to its inevitable death.

He cared little about the demise of the world; his world had ended nine years previously. This end, this fight, it provided him with nothing more than a deadline to work with. Perhaps it was selfish, but he'd learned not to worry about it a long time ago. And truly, who did care about the end of the world when there were worries closer to hand? Like a sale at a department store, he thought with a brief smile that was too painful to linger more than a second.

Nine years truly had passed far faster than he would have expected, given that in his heart, his time had halted at the most painful moment it could have. But that had been her wish, hadn't it? That he would come back from the depths of sorrow and live. And living was painful. It hurt more than he ever could imagine it would in his youth.

He still heard her voice in his sleep. It was the one haunting he could not exorcise, because there was no spirit to dispel—there was no spell or chant to call on to erase memories. She would wake him with his name, over and over again, whispering her last dying breath and he would rise, sweaty and shaken and sick, tired like he'd ran a marathon and more.

The first few years were the hardest; they passed in a blur of purification rituals mixed with tears and blood and spells. He failed only once; the scar on his back from where a curse rebounded on him had faded quickly, but the memory of it was sharp enough that a scar was not needed. He had lain on the floor of his room, face to the cold wood as he bled and wondered what his sister would say if she had known he'd not set enough wards. And what would he say about that? He had nearly been sick from the shame the thought brought him.

He had yet to fail a job since. He would not hurt himself in that way; it was pointless. He would not achieve his wish in that manner.

His wish… he knew it brought his grandmother and the other members of the Sumeragi clan he was close to pain. He knew that it would probably make Hokuto sad as well. But that didn't matter anymore; his wish was something he decided by himself, and was something he would achieve by his own means. That was what would make him the 'happiest'. Not everyone would agree, but that end would give him peace.

He had not always been so resolute.

It was a year and a half after Hokuto had been murdered. Once again, he had left Kyoto for Tokyo, traveling occasionally for a job. He lived in a new flat, a smaller, dingier one where the landlord didn't mind if he chain-smoked or was out at all hours, and asked no questions when the infamous Sumeragi seal appeared on his papers. He no longer felt like entertaining the whims of those fans of the occult that knew his name—he didn't much feel like entertaining anything, really. It could be argued that he wasn't even truly living: he ate only when he was threatened with collapse. He did not read or watch the news or take days to decompress from the sights he saw daily; there were no more cute little outings to the aquarium or to Ikebukuro for crepes. He kept his life austere. It was easiest that way.

He leaned back into the wooden slats of the park bench, rolling a can of coffee between his palms. As much as he needed the extra energy to get back to his apartment, he just couldn't muster up enough strength to open it. He didn't really want to be alone in the empty room that had become his home. Not now, not after that job. It hadn't even been especially hard, but that spirit… it looked like her. Not in any way that mattered, but her eyes had sparkled and her mouth had turned up just so when she thanked him for freeing her, just like his sister.

It wasn't as if he wasn't used to seeing the ghosts of her in the small things—but he was so exhausted. He'd done five jobs in about three days, and not just low-grade exorcisms. A guardian deity had turned at a construction site, where Subaru had been distressed to find that not only had its shrine been demolished, but it had also been eating low-grade curses from nearby high school students. He'd been barely prepared for that one, as the company head hadn't been aware of the additional tainting of the spirit; it turned out that students from the school that bordered the property had been putting fake charms and hanging placards of wishes on the fence that separated school property from the shrine's for decades. And they weren't just the wishes to pass exams either, but ranged from the harried pleas of students who were bullied to wishes for death, creating an overwhelming ball of dark spiritual bitterness that, left without offerings, the guardian had eaten instead.

He closed his eyes. Two years ago the wall of resentment and sheer despair he'd been hit with as the deity resisted exorcism would have left him near crippled with grief. He couldn't pretend that it didn't make him sad to see such a once-grand deity succumb to the city like it had, but… it was Tokyo. Things like that happened every day. Rather than saddening him, it simply exhausted him, mentally and physically. And fatigue made it harder to face his reality, it made him linger overlong on the darkest feelings that he harbored and made them bubble up inside of him like oil in a well.

If he achieved his wish, would Hokuto smile at him once it was all said and done, and he was gone? Or would she cry? Hers was the only opinion that ever mattered to him… No, no that was a lie. There was one other person… who he would go to the ends of the earth to find.

But he couldn't find him. He was still that weak. The blooming sakura proved that; it floated and fluttered around him in the spring breeze, but tantalizingly refused to bear its one secret. Would he better off to give up entirely? To sacrifice his own tears and wish in exchange for the knowledge that he could meet his sister in the afterlife without guilt and fear? Was that truly what was better for him, for the boy who had been so kind that he had blindly put his trust and heart into a man who had fed him lies for a year, for the naïve child he had been to sacrifice his own desires for the good of a city that didn't give a damn about him past their own needs, for him, whose one act of selfishness had resulted in his sister's death?

Subaru's fingers tightened around the can as he clenched his teeth. He felt so hopeless that he couldn't even bring himself to cry about it. There was no future for him, there never had been. It was dark and hazy, a tremulous black mass of questions and guilt and death that could never smooth itself out into a clear path towards reality. He was not strong enough to do the things he wanted—he could never be a zookeeper, or a good brother, or a beloved lover, an agent of death, or the cause of his own demise. The only thing he could do were the Arts he could not use to aid himself.

In his darkest moments, he hated: He hated the world he'd once loved and felt so fondly towards. He hated Seishirou for lying to him. He hated himself for believing Seishirou. He hated the Sakurazuka for creating the Sakurazukamori. He hated death. He hated life. He hated the future that could have been had these things not existed. The bitterness that overwhelmed him in these moments seeped into everything, making his bones ache and leaving a taste like ash on his tongue and balling into his throat so he could barely even speak or chant. It questioned his existence, his being, his job—why would he exorcise those that were like him?

Today was fast becoming one such day.

Something moved out of the corner of his eye, causing Subaru to look up. A single intact blossom drifted in the wind, twirling towards something black and nebulous. Thicker than smoke itself, it looked like suspended oil in air, twisting sinuously about like the tentacles of some ancient, eldritch being. He followed the fog with his eyes as one of the tendrils completely enveloped the sakura blossom within it.

The tendrils snaked out and curled in the air, winding themselves almost sensually around a figure in their center. The person was nearly completely enveloped, their profile barely discernible through the almost opaque smoke-like substance. He swallowed nervously.

"It's a living curse," said a voice behind him. "You could exorcise it, I suppose, but I wouldn't recommend it in your current state."

Subaru looked over his shoulder to find a woman standing behind him, her arms crossed over her chest. She was not looking at Subaru, but rather the hazy figure; her dark red eyes were hard as she watched the outline reach out a hand to catch what Subaru could only guess were sakura petals. "An iki-ryô?" he asked.

"That person's heart has been polluted; it will not be long until it leaves them entirely."

Subaru thought for a moment, then looked back to the person. A man had entered into the fog, and through it, Subaru could see that they were holding hands. The tendrils puffed suddenly, expanding at the meeting, whipping wildly in the air as they grew and multiplied. The sight gave Subaru a dull, sick feeling at the bottom of his stomach. "But how?"

"I would imagine that they had a wish," the woman said softly. Subaru felt that she had turned her eyes on him; despite the sick feeling, he kept his eyes on the cloudy haze instead. "A wish that they felt would make them 'happy'. I would think that they wished for it daily; it's not uncommon to wish for happiness. Humans are strange things in that they will wish for something until it comes true."

Subaru laughed hollowly, "You say that like you've never wished for happiness."

"Not at the expense of another person's happiness," came the hard answer; "You see, if you wish unhappiness on another person, it rebounds onto you. Just as strongly as you wanted it to befall on someone else. It's a sickness, and it pollutes the heart."

The onmyoji gave an uncomfortable shudder, thinking of the way the haze had swallowed up the sakura blossom. He wondered if it was an omen of things to come, or perhaps just a symbol of what had already happened. "Are you saying that's going to happen to me?" he inquired, earning a stern, but pitying look.

"You already know it will if you continue in this manner," she whispered, "Have you looked at yourself recently, Subaru-kun?"

Subaru closed his eyes, a shaking sigh escaping his lips. He opened his eyes again, preparing himself before looking down at his hands. Even though he knew what he would see, and had unconsciously known for a while, it still broke him. Sinuous smoke in the shape ranches wrapped around his arms and legs, their woody vines digging into his flesh as if determined to draw blood; through it, he could see the sigil glow from where it had been branded into his flesh all those years ago. As it glowed, it emitted the thick black miasma that was enveloping him.

He closed his eyes again to block out the sight. He could not bear to look at it any longer, the spiritual symbol of how truly weak he was. If Seishirou ever saw him in this state, it would only serve to prove how worthless Subaru really was. And if Hokuto was to see him… well, he didn't try to think about that much. This was not what she had died for.

"No, I try not to."

"I am sorry about Hokuto-chan," she said, understanding the loaded meanings behind Subaru's answer. She placed a hand on Subaru's shoulder, which sagged under her touch. She stayed silent even as the thin shoulders under her fingers shuddered quietly. She kept her gaze on the couple making their way through the park, wind buffering around them. The breeze strengthened and changed directions suddenly, whipping the trees up into a maelstrom of pink blossoms. "Look," she commanded, pointing forward with the hand that was not on Subaru's shoulder.

Subaru looked up through the pink blizzard, following the direction of her finger. As the wind slipped around the park, he watched as the smoke finally swallowed the couple whole as they exited the park's gate. "She will die, then?" he asked.

"What awaits her is worse than death if her path continues in this way. …Do you wish to go after her?"

Subaru shook his head; "Not anymore. A few years ago… I would have." Images floated to his mind, of a woman holding a bloody dog head, a child screeching words that no child should know, hot tears and warm arms around him as the burning shame and fear took him whole. "I know better than to interfere with someone's 'happiness' now."

"Do you think she's happy that way?"

"Maybe," Subaru answered quietly, shaking his head, "I don't know. I don't know anything, not really." He looked up, frowning lightly, "But really, what brings you here, Yuuko-san? It can't be a coincidence."

Yuuko smirked and patted Subaru on the shoulder, before moving to sit next to him on the bench. "You know me all too well, don't you?" she laughed.

Subaru smiled as well, the shadow of who he once was flitting across his face; "Grandmother told us all about you, after all."

Yuuko pursed her lips briefly in a childish pout, "I hope it wasn't anything bad!"

This brought a rare laugh to Subaru's lips; he remembered meeting Yuuko as a child with Hokuto. They'd been spellbound by their grandmother's tales of a woman who was stronger in the world of the occult than even the Sumeragi clan, who granted wishes to those who could pay the price. 'The Dimension Witch' she'd called Yuuko then, which awed both Subaru and Hokuto in their young age. They'd been shyly reverent as their grandmother led them up the path to a traditional house bordered by skyscrapers to meet this witch, whom Hokuto had later called 'the prettiest lady, like, ever'.

To say they had been surprised by her geniality and outlandishness would be a slight understatement. She'd loudly decried Subaru's polite question of whether the two girls who lived with her were her children, and Hokuto had laughed for weeks at his reaction upon learning their names.

Grandmother had brought them to introduce them to Yuuko, but had had told them that they were only to ask for her services in the most dire of situations, as the price for aid would be too much for their clan to bear. As he grew older, Subaru understood this; those who understood the occult and the nature of the world around them carried heavy burdens. To lighten the burden, even a little, was a grave infraction of the unspoken laws that upheld their world.

Since their first meeting, Subaru had never required Yuuko's services, but had visited with her a few times, though never again within the walls of her home. He'd never quite been able to find it after that first time.

As he laughed, he felt the ache that had balled itself tight within his body release and dissipate. He found that he could breathe deeper.

Yuuko smiled softly. "You're right; it's no coincidence I'm here. I came on someone's request. You could call it fate, if you will."

Subaru looked at her quizzically, "Someone wanted you to come see me?"

"It's not my place to say," the woman answered, looking up at the arching tree limbs above them. "Whether I'm here for a wish entirely unrelated to you, or because someone asked me to be here to see you is information you could not afford to know."

"I see." He didn't really completely understand why that knowledge would require payment, but he knew Yuuko's system well enough—it was the same no matter what your job was in his world.

Yuuko chuckled, "You don't. I can see it on your face. But for you, that's okay."

Subaru shook his head and chuckled again, surprising himself. Meeting with someone who knew him before, who knew Hokuto, who had watched them grow up from the view of a third, unrelated party, and who knew their world seemed to release his tension. Yuuko was neutral ground. She could help him if he wanted it enough to pay for it.

He found the strength to finally open his drink, taking a long draft as he formulated what he needed to say the most. What questions did he need answering the most? Which ones could he afford to ask? He thought of the dark mist seeping out from his brand and what it meant. "What did you mean by my 'current state'?" he asked finally looking at the woman.

Yuuko raised an eyebrow, "You know the answer."

"…It would have rebounded on me, wouldn't it?" Subaru asked, nodding grimly; "I'm tired, and sick at heart. It would have attached itself."

"Yes," Yuuko agreed. "You are not strong enough on your own right now to exorcise a wish that has become near-sentient."

"I don't understand though," Subaru whispered, voice shaking, "I knew that I was sick—that it's not healthy, but—I am not wishing for anyone's unhappiness. What I want—what I want will make me happy… right?" he pleaded. Yes, this is what he wanted. He needed to know. Would he be fulfilled if his wish was granted? Even if Hokuto were to cry, if he got what he wanted, deep within his heart, would he finally, finally, be able to rest, whole and peaceful once more?

Yuuko shook her head once. "I'm afraid that there are many different definitions of happiness, Subaru-kun," she said sadly. "I can't tell you what would make you 'happy', even if that's what you desired of me. This sort of thing can't be decided from people 'other' than yourself."

"But if I do this, what will happen to Grandmother? What will Hokuto-chan say, will it hurt her?" Subaru murmured mournfully. "I can't hurt them too—"

Yuuko shook her head, reaching out to take the can of coffee from Subaru's shaking fingers. She placed it to the side, then placed her hand over Subaru's. "Those people, while they may be family, while they may care about you—they are not you. What you might choose, maybe it will hurt them." She gently tapped the boy's hand, right over where the Sakurazukamori seal had been up until the day that Hokuto died; "Maybe it would even hurt that man, as well."

"Seishirou-san doesn't give a damn—"

"Regardless of who it hurts," Yuuko continued over Subaru's vehement and bitter outburst, "What you decide is up to you. There will never be a decision that you can make that will make everyone in this world happy. What matters is what decides your own 'happiness'."

"But what about that woman?"

Yuuko paused, looking towards the gate of the park. The couple had long since left, but Subaru knew it wasn't her that Yuuko was looking at. Her hair blew back with the wind as she spoke, her voice quiet but stern: "The difference between this and that is the world."

"What do you mean?"

"You still have the time to choose; so does she, but it takes time to change one's heart… That woman succumbed to thinking that bringing others pain would make herself happy. And you, well you don't want them to hurt, do you?"

Subaru closed his eyes and shook his head, "No," he whispered. "There's enough pain in the world as it is; I don't want them to cry for me."

"Subaru-kun, regardless of what the future holds, if you are hurt or if you damage yourself—even if it makes you happy—there will be those who cry for you, because you existed. But your choice is yours. Your future is yours; don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You can always choose. It may make others sad, or make them angry, or even cause them to be in pain like you could not imagine, but in the end, you must choose. Otherwise, you will never be prepared for the rest of your life. That is the curse that consumes your heart. You have wished yourself so unhappy that it is eating you alive. You must choose what path you want to take.

"Maybe doing nothing will make you happy. You leave this pain behind, and forget about what you desire the most when you close your eyes at night for the sake of those whom you have loved. Maybe you will choose the path you had set out for yourself the day that the Sakurazukamori killed Hokuto-chan instead of you, and put yourself between your heart and your blood. Perhaps you will set yourself against the world, and defy what those around you want for you." Yuuko paused before standing, hovering over Subaru. Her hand traveled from Subaru's hand to his heart, and then up again, tipping his chin up with a single, perfectly manicured finger so they stared eye-to-eye. "Or maybe, you will succumb to the future you have begun to wish for the most, the future that troubles you so much that you have allowed your misery and fear to take hold of your heart," she murmured, her other hand pressing firmly to his chest.

"I can't kill him," Subaru whispered, a single tear slipping down his cheek. "I said I would, but I can't. I can't make myself stop loving him, even after what he did. I can't hate it, because he wouldn't have killed her if she didn't go to him. But I… I can't blame her either. All I can do is hate myself for it."

Yuuko looked down at him, hair still flying in the wind, looking otherworldly as she never had before. Subaru recognized the unyielding look of professionalism in her eyes and knew whatever he said next, her reply would be a scale and would measure his desires against what it would take to do it. In this moment she was his judge and jury, yet what she thought, what her verdict was, was something outside of himself, and did not matter. But he had to confess, it was killing him not to.

"I want him to kill me," Subaru whispered to Yuuko. The knot inside of him untwisted further. "I want to matter enough that he kills me."

"Then what do you have to do?" She asked, eyes cold. "To achieve this, what must you do?"

"I have to live, I can't let this hurt me or wear me down. I have to be strong enough to live until that day. I have to become strong enough to do that."

Yuuko smiled softly, the eerie presence around her broken. She gently patted Subaru on the head, "You are a good child," she said fondly. "And I hope that you find a future where you are the happiest, even if no one understands your heart."

Subaru reached up and took the woman's hand in his own and squeezed it once."Thank you, Yuuko-san, but… what… how do I do that?"

"That will cost you," she answered.

Subaru chuckled, "More than this exchange already has? I don't know if I can even afford anymore. Grandmother said you were rather expensive, you know."

Yuuko huffed in protest, "My prices are only what's fair. You of all people should know that."

Subaru rose from the bench, chuckling as he deftly tossed his coffee can into a nearby trashbin. He tucked his hands into the pockets of his coat, staring up at the billowing pink canopy of flowers; "I haven't laughed in ages, or smiled," he said softly.

"Small things, just talking to someone, can heal someone. It can change the future entirely. Entire worlds can hang in the balance of just one conversation," Yuuko said knowingly, reaching out to brush a few petals off of Subaru's shoulders as they began to walk from the park. "And because of that, your payment… I am in need of wards. The strongest that you can produce."

Subaru looked at her in amusement, "Surely you don't need me for that, Yuuko-san. Your own magic surpasses even mine—I'd wager the entire clan wouldn't be enough to face you."

Yuuko smiled mysteriously, shaking her head, "You underestimate the power of your heart, Subaru-kun. No, the wards I need are of the sort that only you can produce."

"What sort? A general kekkai against spirits or a specific type?"

Yuuko's lips parted in a wicked grin, eyes gleaming in a way that made Subaru entirely uncomfortable: "I need the strongest you can make to conceal two people as they travel."

"A serpent's eye ward?"

"A ward against interlopers. I have a pair of twins taking shelter in my shop after a battle they could not win. They remind me very much of you, actually," Yuuko said with the same dangerous gleam to her eyes; "They are refugees from their own home, and they are fleeing from a man who threatens their existence as siblings. They have paid a heavy price for their wish. "

Subaru clenched his fists, "I'll do it. Give me a week to make the preparations."

In the end, he never did ask who the wards were for, but he hoped that they worked for the twins Yuuko had mentioned; he hoped that whoever they were, and wherever they went, they were happy, and that they could be safe. He still worried that he had made the wrong choice, that maybe this was wrong, and that he was sick for wanting his life to end in such a way, but he knew that was what he wanted.

And that was okay. And so he worked hard and he studied like he hadn't since he was a child, and he grew stronger. And then he became a dragon, and he understood Yuuko's words from that day, that maybe his decisions could change the way the world would end.

In the end, at least, he wanted to end it on his own terms, and gain his own happiness. Even if the world crumbled around him and he lost many, many more battles, he had decided that day that he would continue on towards his own wish, even if it made the ones around him sad.

A/N: I wrote a thing. A short thing, but a thing with lots of conventions borrowed straight from xxxHOLiC. Lyrics/Title: "You Were a Kindness", The National.