Story Fourteen

In which Ivan and Amelia take part in a Civil War reenactment

America was very, very strange about what dates she liked to go on with Russia. It was never anything very typical or even relatively normal. Grabbing some dinner and then going to the movies was too "mundane", so they often ended up doing something more "exciting". And by "exciting", Russia meant "absolutely crazy".

She had once asked Russia if he wanted to go whale watching, which seemed sweet, but America had forgotten to mention they were actually going to be killer whale watching. Also, it wasn't so much 'watching' as it was 'attempting to ride the backs of the killer whales like they were horses'. By the end of their "date", America had had to carry him back to Moscow, where she had deposited him in his boss's lap. That hadn't been humiliating at all. Not.

There had also been a date where he and America had gone to Mexico to enjoy some fun under the sun. At one point, America had spied a fire ant nest and told Russia to watch while she snuck up on the nest, nudged it with her foot and then fled as quickly as she could while a swarm of red ants spilled out. Unfortunately, Russia didn't flee quickly enough, given that America had failed to warn him about what would happen, and he had spent the rest of their date taking antihistamines and applying ammonia to all the blisters on his legs.

Once, America had arrived at his house with what she claimed was a flying bike—"Like in E.T., Vanya! Spielberg represent!"—and had attempted to coax him into sitting on the handlebars while they soared over the Baltic Sea together. Russia had rejected that idea outright, so he never found out if the bike actually flew. Instead, Russia had convinced her to do some sightseeing, which America had been interested in because she had been under the impression that his entire country was just a giant pile of snow. She had then been arrested for doing wheelies on one of his monuments even after he warned her she could get arrested just for standing too close to it. He had spent the better part of his night trying to get his boss to let her out of jail.

So, Russia had to admit, America's latest so-called date wasn't the weirdest he'd ever been on, but it still wasn't normal at all.

Firstly, he had yet to see America at all. Secondly, he was wearing a Union soldier's uniform, complete with the stupid ill-fitting shoes and everything. And lastly, he was supposed to be playing dead.

America had dragged him to a Civil War reenactment in some small town in Virginia. Russia had no clue why America would want to reenact the Civil War of all things, or why she'd think it was a good idea for a date.

He had been ditched about five minutes after arriving. About a second after the mock battle began, Russia had been "shot" and had now been laying on the grass, listening to gunfire and yelling for a good twenty minutes. This was possibly the worst date he'd ever been on. Sometimes he wondered why he was dating America in the first place.

"My stars!" A sweet, girlish voice that dripped with a Southern accent sounded from nearby and Russia craned his neck to see if it was who he thought it was. Sure enough, America stood there in a ridiculous looking white hoop-skirted dress decorated with patterns of red crosses.

America hurried forward and dramatically flung herself at the ground beside him. Gathering Russia in her arms, America threw her head back and proceeded to shed a few pretend tears.

"You poor, sweet man! Why? Why?"

Russia stared at America hard, unsure if he was allowed to move or speak. America clutched him tightly against her chest and then suddenly dropped her character.

"Can you believe the inauthenticity of this nonsense?" She let out an annoyed huff. "I told them, I said, 'I want to be a soldier'. And then they told me that women weren't soldiers in Civil War days, but they weren't there, now were they? Because I'm a girl and I led armies to victory! They stuffed me in this stupid dress, which is inauthentic, by the way! Nurses had to wear plain clothes and furthermore, only ugly women could be nurses! I'm too sexy for this role!"

Russia glanced at the big hoop skirt and smiled. "I don't know, lapushka, I kind of like the dress."

America then suddenly elbowed him so hard in the gut that Russia thought for sure he was going to throw up.

"You're ruining the reenactment!" America snapped. "Dammit, Ivan!"

Russia glared at her furiously, doing his best not to elbow her right back. "You are also breaking character, little one."

America seemed to be contemplating whether or not she should elbow him again before she just huffed and quickly went back into the role of a horrified nurse.

"Oh, Ashley! Why? Why?! Don't leave me, Ashley!" America once again clutched Russia to his chest and he did his best to look limp and dead. Apparently he did a bit too good of a job because America suddenly jostled him worriedly. "Wait, Ivan, seriously, did you just die on me?"

Russia cracked open an eye and frowned at her. "Of course I didn't d—AH!"

America had, once again, elbowed him in the gut. "No talking! You're dead!"

Russia gnashed his teeth together and went limp again. America threw a fist up at the sky, a few glittering tears running down her face.

"Ashley, you said you'd never leave me! Why would you do this to me, Ashley?! Why?!" America then paused and rested a hand against her chest, giving Russia a big grin. "See, I figure our characters have this forbidden romance, right? So I'm from the South, and my dad owns this plantation, and you used to live nearby and we fell in love. But then you decided to fight for the North because that's where your family lives and stuff, so we were separated. And now I've found you dead on the battlefield. Pretty good, huh?"

Russia gave a small nod. He honestly didn't care if their characters had a backstory. The sun was beating on his face and for the first time in his life he really wished he were in a snowstorm in Siberia, because this heat was crazy.

"Hey! Dead people don't nod their heads! And they don't sweat, either!" America gave him a small warning jab and Russia began to seriously consider throwing her out of a building the next time he got a chance. Seriously. Why was he dating her?! This was horrible!

"Ashley! You promised! Why?" America then smacked him across the face. "Why?!"

"Don't hit me again," Russia warned.

"Shut up, Ivan! You're supposed to be dead! You're ruining this for me!"

"I'm ruining this for you? That's it! I'm leaving!"

Russia began to stand up, but America grabbed a rogue shoe and smacked him hard over the head. Russia stumbled and America gasped, wiping away pretend tears.

"Oh, Ashley! Ashley, what have I done?! I've hit my beloved Ashley, who suddenly came to life again! Oh, woe is me! I've killed him!"

Russia groaned. "Stop—"

SMACK!

"No! Not again! What have I done?!"

"Urgh—"

SMACK!

"And what do I continue to do?!"

Russia decided enough was enough. He grabbed his pretend bayonet and aimed right for America's chest. America was so surprised by his sudden movement that she was hit right in the heart.

"Oh, dear," Russia said, standing up. "It appears that because of my blood loss I mistook my beloved for a Confederate traitor. Oh, well. I am sure you will find peace in your death. Bye."

Well, mark this one down as another epic failure of a date. Russia huffed and headed off, prepared to simply go home.

"Ivaaaaaan," America whined, following him. "C'mon! Don't tell me you weren't having fun!"

Russia turned around and gave her the stink eye. "No, I didn't have any fun, Amelia. Want to know why?"

America puffed out her cheeks and then slowly shook her head no. "Nah, I'll pass, bro."

"I think I'll tell you anyway. I had to pretend to be a dead carcass that got hit by you repeatedly with a shoe and I think I have a sunburn now. Just once could we have a date that doesn't involve doing something that will potentially kill us? Something normal?"

America actually recoiled. "Normal? Like, something boring?!"

"I'm not saying we have to stay in my house and watch movies all day!" Russia snapped. "I'm just saying that I don't enjoy doing things like piranha herding—"

"You said you loved piranha herding!"

"Nyet, I did not."

"You said it with your eyes."

"Wrong."

"Ugh!" America threw her hands up. "There's no pleasing you!"

Bang! Bang!

Russia and America both froze and looked over at a very proud Confederate soldier. Russia rolled his eyes and began to walk away, but America tackled him to the ground.

"No, way! We are dead now! You're not going anywhere!"

Russia struggled for a few moments before he accepted that it was useless to fight it. He glared at up at the sky while America lay beside him, stiff as a board and likely sporting an equally angry glare.

"Well, I hope you're happy," America finally snapped. "We're both going to have to lay here and be dead now and it's all your fault."

"That's your opinion," Russia replied shortly. "And it's wrong."

"Opinions aren't facts, you stupid Ruski."

"Practice what you preach."

America was quiet for a few moments before she sighed. "Okay, fine. Maybe going to the reenactment of a war isn't the most romantic idea for a date."

Russia didn't say anything, instead opting to treat her to a nasty bout of silent anger.

"Come on, man, I'm apologizing! Do you know how rare this is? Come oooooon! I'll let you choose our next date! Just say you forgive me!" She turned her head to look at him and pout. When Russia wouldn't look at her, she got onto her knees and hovered over him, sticking out her bottom lip. "Please, Russia? Oh, please? Please, please, please, pleeeeeaaaaassssse? Please, please, please, please-y, please, please? Pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top? Pretty please with two cherries on top? How about with three cherries? Four? Five?! How many cherries will it take?!"

Russia ground his teeth together as America took a big inhale of breath, apparently ready to go on another childish please rant and he quickly smacked his hand over her mouth.

"If I forgive you, you must shut up for the rest of this event, da? Can you manage that?"

"The quiet game? Got it!" America gave him a thumbs up before she flopped onto the ground, this time hugging him. "I've gotta warn you, though, I'm really bad at this game. I lose every single time."

"I'm sure you'll manage," Russia replied tightly.

She didn't even last five minutes.

Author Notes

I'm back, but not in black, sorry to disappoint. I hope everyone's been having a good 2015 so far! It's finally getting warm out, and instead of wearing about five layers of clothing, I'm only wearing two. Crazy, right? So to celebrate, I thought why not update? Vampire Alchemist had the awesome idea to see these two at such an event and after an inappropriately long time, I have finally completed it! I got really pumped about it! Thank you a whole bunch!

-Fire Ants: Red ants, fire ants, what have you, these things are awful. I have lived in cold climates my whole life, so they've never really been a concern of mine. But once, my boyfriend and I were visiting his family in Texas and he decided to be a jerk and poked at a fire ant mound. They all came swarming out and I managed to get away because when I even suspect scary bugs or snakes or spiders are coming after me, I am suddenly Olympian fast. My boyfriend got a few bites, though, which serves him right for being dumb. Boys.

-E.T.: Hell, yes, I love this movie. When I was little it used to make me cry and now I just really want Reese's Pieces every time I see it.

-Reenactments: Holy hell, I had no idea these were real until Vampire Alchemist suggested this. I just about fell over. I saw it once on an episode of Psych, but I thought it wasn't even real. Is this a big thing in the South? Or the East? Because I lived way up north on the cold shores of Lake Superior and they never did anything like this in Minnesota as far as I know.

-Ill-fitting shoes: The shoes the soldiers wore weren't designed to be specifically for a left foot or right foot, so they were uncomfortable. They couldn't afford to discern that kind of thing. Must've been a whole lot of fun to march around in those. Not.

-Inauthentic Nurse: I actually read that the nurses were required to wear very plain clothes and to be unattractive so they wouldn't distract the soldiers. That made me laugh. "Help Wanted: Unattractive people only. Wear a potato sack."

-Ashley: Did you guys get this Gone With the Wind reference? Ashely is the name of the man Scarlett O'Hara was super in love with, even though she was clearly meant to be with Rhett Butler. Get a hold of yourself, girl.

-A few of you guys are pretty pumped for that 9/11 chapter, huh? It'll be up soon, I promise. I rewrote the whole beginning, so I'm looking it over and once I'm satisfied, I'll put it up!

I hope you all have a wonderful week!