Creating More Scars - Part 5

"You mean it?"

Kate could feel how Betty moved closer and was hovering somewhere near her upper back; Betty doing that, felt the same way as her feelings closing in on her, not giving her any room for loop holes anymore. But, right now, Kate did not even want a loophole; she just didn't want to say anything wrong. She only wanted to say things that were right and true. She knew she was dancing on a thin line of ice and she rather not wanted to screw this up yet again by hurting Betty in any way. So that to make sure what her feelings should contain, she asked, "How?"

Betty hesitated - not sure how. What did she mean 'how'? Either she meant it, or not, but then again, what did she want it to mean? Betty let her eyes stray, working out pictures in her head and heart. If anything she wanted the real thing, and only that would please her in Kate's case and eventually make her believe in the sincerity of Kate's words. So, well aware of the risk, she said, staking it high, "In … in a house… maybe forever."

Kate slowly took that in, accepted it and closed her eyes, pulling her lips into her mouth, while she imagined a house and Betty and her living in it. Yeah, she could see that. They would be happy and they would trust each other and they would listen to music and be comfortable and have no care in the world. She could not only see… she could feel that. For this moment she wanted to feel that. She would have to leave Ivan, but - …

Kate stopped. The thought made fear creep back up her throat and another picture invaded her mind, pushing the house and the white-picket fence away. She opened her eyes and felt it in her chest. It could mean she'd be alone. She'd do it and she'd end up completely alone. Kate was able to remember how scary and irritating that had felt. "If you never leave me again."

Betty frowned and pushed herself up in protest. "I never left you, Kate."

"Right," Kate nodded, remembering that Betty always had been there, but it had felt like she had not always been with her and she realized once again that that was probably different from Betty's point of view, so that she bit her lip and said, "It just felt that way..."

Betty's eyes shifted back and forth, still somewhat offended, trying to figure out what Kate meant. Ivan? Teresa? But that was … "I thought that was the way you wanted it – me not wanting you."

Kate laughed. She knew it was bitter, but she couldn't stop it. "Yeah, me, too. But ... - "

Kate turned around and Betty spotted Kate's held-back tears and how there was so much in her eyes that she was miles away from knowing and understanding. Betty always knew that Kate was an enigma. She had realized that Kate made it easy to project all the things you wanted to on her. She had been caught in that trap and Ivan surely was caught in that trap now. Kate's father at the last had especially been caught up in that trap until Kate had ... 'spoken up', until she had defended herself and shown him who she really was, and if this now was her starting to show her who she really was, then ... Betty was not sure she was prepared.

"I just... " Kate reached out to Betty, tentatively, as if she had never touched her before and smoothed her thumb over her soft cheek, amazed of being strong enough to do so. " I just want you with me," she said, looking up into Betty's eyes. "The thought of … going away … and … never seeing you again…" Kate swallowed and fell silent. She hadn't told Betty yet that Ivan wanted them to go away to Winnipeg and the thought of telling her still did not sit right with her.

"You're going away?" Betty asked in surprise, that feeling of terror that always surfaced when Kate implied that she was leaving popping up in her chest again.

"No," Kate said quickly, shaking her head, before taking her hand away from Betty's cheek and compromising her lie to an, "I don't know." She sighed, struggling, and took Betty's hands into her own, drawing them up to her chest before looking up at Betty again and saying, "I want to be with you."

"Well, … " Betty ventured and before she could stop herself, she smiled - against her better judgment, deciding to ignore whatever it was that Kate had just let slip for the moment, because it wasn't like they had not enough troubles as it was, and if she wouldn't meet Kate somewhere halfway, then … well. Her lip twitched. " … that could be done."

Betty searched Kate's eyes, having to find out if Kate meant it, waiting to see a sign that said that Kate did not want that. But since she only found a glimmer of hope in them instead, which made her experience a fuzzy wave of reassurance, she slowly leaned forward and waited, letting their breath play against each other, checking Kate's face, her grey anticipating eyes gazing at her lips, looking more blue than grey today, before leaning forward again until it wasn't just her and she caught Kate's lips between her own.

Betty felt breathless with the first contact. They had kissed tonight. But this kiss began to feel different. This kiss was her kissing a woman who she was starting to believe loved her – maybe in some weird complicated way, but still she knew she loved her - when before she was only kissing a woman … a friend, who came to her out of struggle for some kind of escape, for some kind of experiment or comfort, but Kate actually loved her now and letting herself fall into that love … it was so much better than the constant fearful beat of her heart, reminding her with every thump that whatever she felt now was only for the moment and that all of that would be gone again in less than an hour. Betty knew that this kiss didn't mean anything for the future yet, but it meant everything for the now - and she loved it.

"That would be nice," Kate said dreamy once they broke apart. Having seen this kiss coming, with enough time to prepare, Kate had reached to capture Betty's face in her hands and let herself fully commit to the kiss, following the wild, whirling feelings that streamed through her, and listening to their advice to lean forward and recapture Betty's lips as soon as they even began to form the idea to pull away, because this kiss meant the world. Kate knew that this did not mean that they were together, which rather calmed her, but it meant that they cared for each other, it meant that they loved spending time with each other and the longer and more often they kissed, Kate realized she loved when they spent time kissing each other. To forever just kiss each other and get lost in each others' warmth and the feeling of being safe and having nowhere else to go, that would be nice.

Betty nodded in agreement and liked how Kate threaded her fingers through her blonde hair, stroked her scalp, and placed one of her strands back behind her ear. Kate did it with so much care, her eyes looking far away as if being in another world, while she watched her fingers doings. Their other world. It made a lump form in Betty's throat. What if she could always have this? If Kate didn't have to look like she was day-dreaming, but rather it was the actual truth. Betty leaned forward once more, not being ready to let the moment of bliss go, and nudged Kate's chin up with her nose to burrow her face into Kate's neck, placing a small kiss there.

Betty searched for comfort and breathed in. She let the lavender smell tumble her feelings completely around again, making her unsure if she was ever more torn and happy at the same time as she was at this moment. She had everything now and could have nothing in the next moment. Pressing her lips firmly to Kate's skin, she decided though, that it was no use without her being all in. She had to take the fall and entrusted herself to Kate once more by saying, "I love you, too."

Kate gasped, surprise running across her skin. She had not realized that that was the one thing that she had been missing. Her heart fluttered, feeling more safe, but she couldn't enjoy it, because if she was not mistaken, then she felt not only Betty's warm cheek, but also her wet tears against her neck, and it made her choke, not sure how to handle it.

Kate bit her lip, coming back to reality from their short lived trip into carelessness. She stroked across Betty's back, thinking about how it was not easy for Betty either. This uncertainty hurt Betty, just as much as it was hurting her. Betty was not sure, Kate reminded herself. Betty didn't have all the answers. There actually were no answers, there was just trying, and she wanted to try - to try and handle this correctly.

Kate turned her head to the side, placing a kiss on Betty's shoulder, thinking about all the risks and chances Betty had taken for her and how she had paid her for them, how she had hurt her along the way, and she finally murmured the only true and reassuring thing that she could. "Your scars are safe with me, too. I promise."

Betty's breath escaped her and she closed her eyes. She knew what that meant. Kate would keep her secrets, keep her safe, but everything else … - How could Kate just always make her feel so weak? Betty sniffed and pressed her forehead against Kate's jaw. "Don't use me."

Kate sighed and held Betty just that little bit tighter. She couldn't understand how Betty kept thinking that of her. Never had she done anything to use her or out of bad intent. Still, knowing it was Betty's belief, she offered, "I never mean to."

"You're only hurting all of us," Betty spoke, hoping that Kate would finally see what kind of widely and ramified impact her actions were having. She couldn't go through life, always thinking that things only just happened to her. She was happening to them just as much.

"I know, " Kate said pensively, stroking blonde hair, while she looked over Betty's shoulder, up and off to the ceiling, away into the dark, unknown future, seeing it play out in front of her mind's eye already. "More scars..."

Betty pushed herself up and Kate reached out to swipe Betty's tears away.

Betty let it happen, the touch being nice, but she quickly shut it away from touching her feelings, because in this moment, she realized, she had never thought of Kate fully knowing what she was doing. But if Kate actually knew what she was doing and controlled it, then ... what was she doing? And what was she capable of?

"You feel good," Kate smiled up to her and curiously let her eyes wander from Betty's eyes to her breasts, to her stomach that pressed up against her own and back up, and she realized she was not ready to let all of that go yet by having to go to her own room in a bit.

Kate grasped the collar of her coral robe that Betty was still wearing, and experimentally pulled the blonde firmer against herself. She really wanted to stay. Getting a new idea, her expression a bit like when she first realized that she could have bubbly whenever Gladys was around, she asked, "Can we sleep like this?"

Still not entirely sure who she was with, Betty didn't answer. She wasn't sure what to answer anyway. There were a hundred reasons to say no. And when she apparently had waited for too long, Kate took it as a yes, because she rolled over and took Betty's hand with her, securing it tightly around her waist. "You're really good to me, Betty."

Betty pressed her lips together, not knowing what she was supposed to do with that.

"You're gonna break my heart, Kate Andrews," she finally settled to say, when she tried to get comfortable behind Kate. If this was all she was getting, then she would take it. "You're gonna do it again. I can feel it."

"No," Kate said. She was seeing where Betty was coming from, because when she thought about walking out of that door, she still was not sure what would happen either, but this was certainly something she could not say. "How can you, if I don't even know?"

At this moment, Kate thought, she just needed a chance to figure it out. She didn't know what would happen. The only thing she did know, though, was that since she had laid it out there, she felt more in control. She was kind of fine with herself for tonight.

"And … " Kate continued, opening her eyes when her thoughts drifted back to the feeling of being left behind, Betty turning her back on her for Gladys, or some other Ivan, or Teresa, or anybody else, "How about you breaking mine?"

Betty's mouth opened before she closed it again. Not sure what she was supposed to say to that, because the chance of that happening seemed pretty slim to her. She felt hers already breaking.

"Let's sleep now," Kate said, before Betty could answer, feeling the ever present conflict of different wants and needs and musts well back up inside of her. "I'm tired of thinking."

"You don't have that much time to think left," Betty said before she could stop herself, wanting to punch herself for yet again being in the situation that Kate was in control of what would happen.

"Yeah," Kate breathed and closed her eyes. She wanted to add 'I know', thinking about the wedding, but suddenly realized that that eventually wasn't what Betty had meant. Maybe she had meant herself, not Ivan, so Kate said, "Okay," and pulled Betty's hand up to her mouth, placing a small kiss on it.

"Will you talk to me?" Betty questioned, while she felt Kate's soft lips dust that promise onto the back of her hand. She was not ready to let this go yet. She had to have something here.

"Mhm,..." Kate murmured, hoping so for herself.

"Because you gotta … to make it work," Betty explained.

"Work, …" Kate repeated in a faint breath before all of the air left her lungs in a yawn. "Yeah …"

Betty waited for more, but nothing came and in the end she was not sure if Kate just pretended to be asleep to not have to talk anymore or if she really did fall asleep.

After another moment had passed, Betty turned over to her bedside table and lit that second cigarette. She watched the grey smoke rise up in the air with her thoughts, pondering about when it would be a good time to wake Kate and make her go to her room unnoticed, while Kate lay turned away at her side, longing for Betty's touch to come back and wishing for an easier world.

Authors Note:
That was it. I think it is best to read it in one go, so if you can stand it: reread it ;D
In any case, thank you for your time, I hope you enjoyed it and thank you to everyone who left/leaves some thoughts. It's always interesting and it's what keeps everyone going.

Have a good day,
Lied