Of Pain and Happiness

Disclaimer: If only I could have own anything... Anything at all.

Warning: Yaoi, Hetero, Suzalulu (one-sided from Lelouch) and SuzaEuphy. Implied, and I meat IMPLIED, sexual situations. Plenty of grammatical errors as a result from written at 5 in the morning. Typos possible as a result from being typed in an iPod Touch.

Also, my first post that contains serious angst. Yup, no humor people.

Oh, and this is written from a second person point of view, my first try. what do you think? I though it turned out better than I expected. Anyway, it was just an experiment.

Enjoy! ...Or not. Pleasedontkillme!

What happens when the person you love dates with your sister you love? What would you do?

At first, you chose to be in denial. There were signs everywhere that the person you love and your sister you love we're dating, but you chose to ignore them. There were rumors spreading that they were dating, but you chose to ignore them. You saw them holding hands at a mall one day, but you chose to walk the other way.

Finally, the day comes when you can ignore no longer. The person you love and your sister you love not only announces that they were dating, but announces that they were getting engaged.

You felt your heart break when they looked at you, eyes glimmering with hope of approval. And of course you do not disappoint. You put on a smile on your face and said, "Take care of Euphy well, or I'll skewer you, Suzaku." But you did not manage to look at their eyes the whole night after that.

After everybody left, you returned to your room at sat on your bed. You stared dumbly at the mirror, wondering what your flaws were. You saw flaws that you never noticed: you were too thin; you had bags under your eyes; your skin was so pale you looked dead; you had a snarky personality; you were not that sociable; you were not a ball of joy; you do not always smile; you were not a kind and innocent soul; and most importantly, you are not a female.

No, you are well aware that you and the person you love are never meant to be together. Both of you are males, and you are best friends. Nothing more. You shouldn't have hoped that you could be more than that. You start realizing, why were you so dumb? So stupid? Nobody would love you, or at least, nobody would love you over Euphemia. Everybody loves Euphemia. They look at Euphemia like she is their idol, their goddess. She was the star of the school, no, the star of the nation. And what are you? Nobody. Nobody would love a flawed nobody like you.

And that was the moment when you realized that you were jealous of your own sister. Of your own sister whom you love the most after Nunnally. Then you noticed how very flawed you are, acting like an old witch, hating couples that were meant for each other and wanting to break them apart.

You received an invitation to their engagement party. And no matter how much you did not want to attend, you would never disappoint them. So you attended to the engagement party, with a smile plastered on your face. You congratulated them while you felt an ache in your chest. Everybody was happy for them, but no matter how much you wanted to be happy for them, you could not. So you put up an act for everybody and acted like you are happy for them.

But when everybody cheered for them to kiss, you could handle no more. The clenching feeling in your chest, the stinging feeling in your eyes, you could hold back no longer. And so you hurriedly excuse yourself, giving a lame reason which you could no longer remember.

You did not know where to go, but you remembered hearing once that alcohol could cure torn hearts. So you went to the bar. The bartender seemed skeptical to serve you, but you produced your identity card to prove that you were 18 years old. But in your heart, you only though that: 'Even a bartender could see how flawed I am.'

While downing yourself with liquor, a man started approaching you. Although you were slightly drunk, it was fairly obvious that he was flirting with you. At first you resisted, but you could not stop the feeling of warmness that you felt as the man saw you, YOU. Someone was finally seeing you in their eyes, and you could no longer resist.

You lost your first time that night.

With a person who's name you did not know, and will never know.

After that night, you became a frequent customer of the bar. Some nights you would just sit there and drown yourself in alcohol, while other days you would end up with a man who's name you shall never know.

One day, the person you love came to the bar to stop you from drowning yourself in alcohol anymore. It turns out he was still concern of you, that he still sees YOU. Out of happiness and also because you were drunk, you did the thing you would regret the most.

You confessed.

You noticed when things started to go from bad to worst. You noticed the look he had on his face after he processed what you told him. The look of disgust. But in your desperate mind, you chose to ignore it. You look up at him with hopeful eyes, but the words he said to you shattered your already broken heart.

"You... are gay...? Sorry, I never knew... I'm straight, and that will never change."

You wanted to protest, to say that he will never know unless he gives it a chance, but even that privilege was taken away from you.

"I'm sure." He paused, looking at you with... Disdain. "And Lelouch... You know that I'm engaged with Euphy, right?"

You could not stand the pain any longer. You ran away.

After that incident, the person you love clearly started avoiding you. That, you were grateful for. Because although it already hurts when you did not see them, it hurts especially more when you see them together.

But luck was not on your side. It turns out the person you love did not tell your sister, and she occasionally comes and visit you with him. They would hold hands, smile and laugh, and chatter like they were the happiest couple on earth.

And you were pretty sure they were. Because a feeling that was even slightly less painful than what you were feeling, you felt that that feeling would be the happiest in the world.

After months of pain, alcohol, and nameless men, you received a card. An invitation to the wedding of Suzaku Kururugi and Euphemia Il Britannia. May they forever be blessed with happiness.

You didn't want to disappoint, but you could stand no longer.

You penned a letter, and sent it to them on their wedding.

'Dear Suzaku and Euphy,

I am sorry I could not attend your wedding. I do not wish to taint a pure ceremony and bonding such as that with my presence. However, I do wish that you will forever be blessed with happiness, peace, prosperity and love. Suzaku, please do take care of Euphemia properly, and Nunnaly too. Euphy, congratulations on having Suzaku as your husband, because I am very sure that you will be happy forever. Please take care.

Sincerely,
Lelouch

PS, please take care of Nunnally for me.'

And on the day of their wedding, you booked a hotel room by the sea. You brought a bottle of the finest wine, took a sip, and smiled.

Because you knew the pain would finally end.

You put a bullet through your head without hesitation.

IX: You would so totally kill me. Right? Anyway, please review. No matter how much you want to kill me. Review. Review. And review.

Do you guys want a sequel in the form of Suzaku's POV? Then, review and tell me. ;)