He looked like hell when he finally woke up, and he had to force himself to stay away from his laptop. All he could do was walk out to the kitchen, grab a glass to fill with water, drink it, and then go back to bed.

And that was his routine for the next few weeks. Nothing could keep him from contacting Castiel besides that, and he was actually grateful that he hadn't given Castiel his cell number. He'd never be able to ignore him, and he'd trap the poor man in a relationship far below a standard he deserved.

Sam took notice, but there wasn't much he could do or get out of Dean.

He was lucky one night.

"Dean, what happened?"

It was about 2am, and Dean stumbled out of his room to go to the bathroom.

"Cas happened," he muttered numbly.

"Is that the guy you were talking to?"

"Mhmm," Dean hummed from behind the bathroom door. He looked as though he was ready to fall asleep where he stood as he emerged from the bathroom.

"What happened?"

"I couldn't do it…" he muttered, and that was the last Sam got from him.

He was grateful Dean's door was unlocked when he tried to go in an hour later, even more so that his laptop didn't have a new password, and that his skype automatically logged in.

He turned the sound off when he saw the bubbles start to pop up. He only had one contact, so he opened the chat room.

cassienov Dean I am so sorry.

cassienov Please tell me what I did.

cassienov You meant the world to me, and still do. I would give anything to hear your voice again.

cassienov Or even just hear from you.

cassienov Are you even alive anymore?

cassienov Do I need to give up on you forever?

cassienov I don't want to.

cassienov Dean?

The last message had been sent a few days ago, and Sam was worried the other man might not see what he was about to send, but he tried anyway.

iamdean I'm sorry. Please come meet me tomorrow at 6. We can have dinner at my place. I'll explain everything to you then.

iamdean Please just come.

He sent another message with their address, and quickly logged out of Dean's stuff, shutting the screen down and sneaking back out.

"I'm going shopping," Sam said to Dean about a quarter to six the next day. "I made food for you. It's on the stove."

"Pasta?" Dean asked from his bed.

"Pasta," Sam confirmed. "I'll be a while… Just so you know."

"Okay. Bye."

Sam nodded and stepped back out of his room, taking the car keys and leaving. He drove about a quarter-mile up the road, parking the car before heading back to wait outside of their home.

He sat himself on a rock, and watched the gravel road carefully, checking his watch every once in a while. He sighed when it seemed like Castiel wasn't going to show, but he saw a yellow car driving up, and sure enough, there was Castiel in the cab.

He stepped out, and Sam stepped forward. "Castiel?"

Castiel narrowed his eyes at him. "You're not Dean."

"No, but I'm his brother."

Castiel rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "So, what? He's too chicken to come and see me, so he sent someone else to explain?"

Sam shook his head. "No. No, I don't have a clue what happened between you two. All I know is that he's been miserable without you-"

"-It's his own damn fault."

"I know," Sam said, nodding in agreement. "I know it is. And I know that he probably pushed you away because he doesn't feel like he deserves you. And he might be right, but not for the reason he's thinking…"

"And what would that reason be?"

Castiel was a bit scary when he was upset, Sam decided. He could see why Dean liked him so much. "You'll see soon enough."

Castiel uncrossed, then recrossed his arms, changing his stance. "What? I'm going to actually see him?"

Sam nodded. "You'll have to go in. He… He doesn't know you're here."

Castiel's face fell. "What?"

Sam held up his hands in defense. Castiel looked as though he could kill him. "I sent you the message. I know Dean wants you, he just won't ask for you. I felt like I needed to step in."

"Well you shouldn't have. I don't care about him."

"We both know that's a lie."

Castiel pursed his lips. "I don't want to be with him if he acts like this."

"You'll understand once you see him. Please, just… go inside. He's in his room."

"And how am I supposed to know which one that is?"

"Second on the right." Sam had said all he could. He gestured to the door. "Please," he added as a final plead.

Castiel's glare was still hard, but it eventually softened, and he gave in with a sigh. "I'll go in."

Sam nodded. "Be gentle with him… He'll probably be terrified."

"Why do you sa-" He cut himself off. "I'll see when I get in?"

Sam nodded, and began to walk away. "I'll be gone for a while. Enjoy your time."

Castiel waited until Sam was a decent way down the road before he carefully opened the door, stepping inside.

It was cozy and warm, the colors of the wood matching exactly how he felt when he stepped in. He noticed pictures up on the wall, and stared at them as he shut the door, taking them in. Some of them were old, with two boys who looked to be very young, but some were more recent, and Castiel immediately pegged one of the men as Dean. He was smiling in them, looking exactly how Castiel imagined he would without his heavy makeup and costume on.

He counted the doors as he walked, passing the first one, then stopping in front of the second. He was nervous, his stomach tightening.

He reached forward to grab the handle, turning it slowly, creaking the door open. He stepped in, shutting it behind him.

"I thought you'd be gone a while?" Dean muttered from his bed.

"He will be," Castiel replied after calming himself enough to trust his voice.

There was light flooding in from under the door, but that was it as Dean's room had no windows.

Dean still knew who it was.

He rolled over as quickly as he could, pulling his blanket up to hide himself from Castiel. "What are you doing here?"

"Your brother asked me to come."

"You need to leave."

Castiel walked farther in to his room. "That's not going to happen."

"Yes it is. Get out."

"Not until you talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about. I'm not in to you."

"That's a lie. And even if it's not, you owe me an explanation."

"Under what law?"

"Look at me, Dean." It wasn't a request.

"No."

"Now."

Dean sat up in his bed. "Why? So you can look at me weird? Run away? Call me a freak? I'm good."

"I wouldn't do that to you."

"Bullshit! Everybody does!"

"I won't."

Dean scoffed. "I don't believe you."

"You won't know until you try."

"Fine." Dean clicked on his lamp, whipping around on Castiel. "Is this what you wanted to see? Huh? My fucked up face!? …God. Look at you." Castiel was staring at him with wide eyes, unable to speak. Dean scoffed. "Pathetic."

His eyes were watering, and Castiel noticed, but Dean wouldn't look away for another minute, keeping his jaw strong until he just couldn't anymore. He dropped his head down to hide his tears, but Castiel couldn't look at away.

He was horrified. Not at Dean, but at himself. He'd thought so little of Dean's scars, assuming they were fake, belittling him and his feelings, and he felt sick about it. But Dean was crying, and he had to snap himself out of it.

He walked forward cautiously, bending down slightly when he got to Dean, he reached forward, touching Dean's scar, running his fingers down it softly and slowly. Dean sucked in a hiss, but Castiel didn't stop, working down to his jaw.

He hooked his finger under his chin, tilting his head up, kissing him before Dean could even react. It was soft, and gentle, and Dean's lips were quivering as he tried to pull away, but Castiel had his thumb locked down, and Dean couldn't pull away. He gave up trying after a moment, and just let Castiel kiss him.

Tears rolled out of his eyes, but Castiel ignored them, breaking the kiss to look in to Dean's eyes, who reached out and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him down on to his lap to hug him as hard as he could, nuzzling his face in to the crook of his neck, trying to get the tears to stop.

"Cas," he muttered. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." His fingers were curled in to Castiel's shirt, clutching and tugging him closer.

Castiel had his arm around his neck, one hand playing with his hair, just trying to calm him down. "It's okay, Dean. It's okay."

"I should-… I didn'-… have lost you…" Dean could barely form a coherent sentence, but Castiel didn't care.

"It's okay. I forgive you. I… Understand why, Dean. It's okay."

"-And I don't deserve you, and I never will, and… and…"

Castiel pulled back enough to kiss his forehead. "It's okay, Dean. Let it out."

Dean didn't cry for long, but he refused to let go of Castiel, keeping his face nuzzled in to his neck, breathing deeply, taking in the faint scent of Castiel's cologne, reeling in his soft body and touches.

"I should have done more," Castiel whispered, resting his cheek on top of Dean's head, his hair soft. "I should have made you feel safe enough to tell me the truth, to let you know that I wouldn't run away from you, or push you away.

"You did more than enough. It was my fault."

"Shhh," Castiel soothed, running his fingers through Dean's hair. "It was warranted."

"No…"

"It's okay."

Dean finally pulled back from Castiel's neck, looking up at him. His cheekbones were red, and his eyes were the same, but he spoke clearly. "Uhh…" He cleared his throat. "Sam made some pasta… Would you like to eat with me?"

The corners of Castiel's lips turned up, and he brought his hands forward to cup his jaw, leaning in to kiss where the scar cut across his cheekbone. "I'd love to."

Dean took hold of one of Castiel's hand as he helped him off of his lap, and refused to let go of it while they walked, nor while Dean warmed their food. He kept his face turned away from Castiel, but the other wasn't too keen on that.

"You can look at me, Dean."

"I know. I just don't want you to look at me."

"Well, I want to." Dean shifted his eyes to look at him, then turned his head to face him. Castiel smiled. "There's my handsome man."

Dean snapped his head away. "Don't lie."

"I don't have to."

Dean looked back to him. "That's bullshit."

"Is it really that hard for you to believe I find you attractive?"

Dean clicked off the burner underneath the pot. "Yeah, it is."

"Well it shouldn't be," Castiel admitted, taking Dean's other hand, holding them both close to him. Dean was uncomfortable with Castiel's unwavering stare, but he couldn't look away.

"Why would you find me attractive?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Dean parted his lips to speak, but nothing came out. He knew full well why. "Dean, I found you attractive on Halloween, I found you attractive, even when I couldn't see you, and I find you attractive now."

"But Cas, this isn't Halloween makeup. This isn't something I can just get rid of when you grow tired of it, when you want me back to normal. Trust me, I've tried."

"I know that, Dean."

"Then how can you find this attractive? Knowing that you'd have to wake up to it every morning, and fall asleep to it every night…"

"I look forward to falling asleep with you, Dean, and waking up to you. You're not your scars."

Dean was watching him, biting the inside of his lip. He laughed after a minute, looking down. "I feel guilty."

"What for?"

"Falling in love with you."

Castiel smiled. "Don't you dare."

Dean smiled, and Castiel's eyes brightened. He loved Dean's smile. "Let's eat."

They sat in relative silence neither of them really in the mood to eat too much. They didn't speak again until Dean had led Castiel over to one of the large armchairs in front of their fireplace. He sat down, and Castiel sat on top of him, curling in to him, tracing random patterns in to his neck and shoulder with his finger as he rested his head on his shoulder.

"Dean?" Castiel asked.

"Yeah?"

"How… How did it happen? Your…"

"Scars?" Castiel nodded, and Dean sighed.

"You don't have to tell me," Castiel interrupted, looking up and stilling his hands.

Dean shook his head. "It's okay. You should know."

He cleared his throat. "My squad and I were setting up a base for the night, and we chose a bad spot. One of my guys hit a land-mine, and it was like a chain reaction. It set off some others…" Dean shook his head. "I could go in to detail, but I really don't remember much after that. It was all kinda blurry. I know I woke up in America, and I couldn't speak, and my face felt like it'd been ripped off, which-" he laughed. "-it essentially had…"

"I wasn't always this way about it, though," he added, attempting to explain why he'd done what he'd done. "Once I was able to actually talk normally, I went out in public. That's… They started pointing, and whispering, and staring… I… I couldn't handle it, and I still can't. It's humiliating."

Castiel was quiet, but he brought one of his hands up and across Dean, stroking his cheek. "If it ever happens again, Dean, remember that somebody loves you, just the way you are."

Dean turned his head to look at Castiel. His eyes were half-lidded as he scanned over his face. "Do you love me, Cas?"

"I… I think so." He thought for a moment, then nodded to himself. "I love you."

Dean's lips quirked up. "How do you know?"

"I've known you for over a year," Castiel started, his fingers brushing down Dean's cheek. "And I wouldn't even let myself think about loving you until Valentines Day, when you sang to me, and…" He smiled. "And then it was all downhill from there. I wanted you, Dean. I longed for you, and your touch, and when I finally had it… That's when I knew."

Dean smiled full on, showing his teeth, forgetting completely about everything he thought was wrong with himself as he leaned in to kiss Castiel, bringing his hand up to cup his face.

Their kiss was perfect, and Dean saw himself attached to those lips for the rest of his life, the simple touch filling him with relief, and warmth, and love. They shifted to rest more comfortably in the chair, not breaking their kiss.

It wasn't even a kiss, not really. They were connecting with each other, focusing on each touch or their skin, and shift of their lips, and movement against each other.

Sam was what broke them apart, but not by much. They both looked over the back of the chair, only moving their heads to watch Sam enter and hang his jacket up.

He blinked at them. "I'm just… yeah." He nodded at them, and walked through their home, slowing to open his door, even more so when Dean spoke.

"Sam?"

He looked back. "Yeah?"

"Thanks."

He smiled and nodded before retreating in to his room. Dean turned his attention back to Castiel. "How does it sound to wake up to me tomorrow?"

"So long as I get you while I fall asleep as well."

"Wouldn't dream of it any other way."

They spent some more time curled together on the chair, finally moving when they decided they'd had enough.

Dean couldn't keep his hands off of Castiel once they were in his room, his fingers skirting over his hips and up his shirt, brushing over soft skin, earning shivers and whimpers that he just couldn't get enough of.

"Cas," he breathed out as he stepped closer to him, holding his hips as he pressed their bodies together, nuzzling in to his neck. "I really get you? All to myself?"

"All to yourself," Castiel agreed, draping his arms over Dean's shoulders, allowing him to kiss the hollow of his neck. He tipped his head back. "I'm all yours."

Dean slid his hands up Castiel's body, under his shirt, fingers trailing over his skin until he could go no farther, then moved his hands to his shirt, tugging it up and over his shoulders, dropping in on the ground. He got a quick look at his body, but Castiel was sucking up to him quickly, fingers wrapping around Dean, going down to the hem of his shirt, his face pressed to his chest.

"What are you doing?" Dean laughed as Castiel began to finger at his shirt, slowly raising it.

"If I have to be cold then so do you."

Dean brought his hands down to cover Castiel's the best he could. "I'll keep you warm."

"I'm taking off your shirt," Castiel responded, his voice stern.

"Cas…" Dean warned, though didn't fight it anymore. Castiel stopped, however, raising his hands to cup Dean's face as he stepped back enough to look at him. He let his eyes roam around his face, studying every little thing about him. Dean felt uncomfortable about it, and looked down and away, but Castiel didn't relent.

"Dean, look at me." He did. "I know you're scared I won't like what I see under your shirt, but no matter how bad it is, I won't run."

Dean looked at him, and Castiel looked right back with ernest eyes. He swallowed hard, and moved his hands to the hem of his shirt, giving Castiel time to step back as he lifted it up, taking it off, dropping it to the ground beside his own.

Castiel took a second to roam his eyes over Dean's body, then stepped in, wrapping his arms low around him in a hug, kissing the start of a scar over one of his pecks. He shivered as he pressed their bodies together. "It feels so good to touch you."

Dean wrapped his arms around him. "I don't deserve you."

"You deserve better." Castiel stepped back, hooking his fingers on Dean's waistband. "Come on. Let's get you out of these and in to bed."

Castiel didn't waste much time in taking off his own pants, hopping on to Dean's bed. He flattened himself out on it, inhaling deeply. "That's so comforting," he breathed out, stretching his arms forward to grab one of Dean's pillows, pulling it close. He placed his head on top of it, and Dean could barely move, enamored with watching Castiel.

Dean finally shed himself of his sleep pants, ambling over to the bed. He sat beside Castiel, placing a hand on his back. He ran it up his soft and smooth skin, and Castiel shivered. "Your hands are rough," he commented, but retracted it when Dean removed his hand. "No! I like it."

Dean cautiously placed it back down, and Castiel relaxed under it, even more so when he gently began to rub his shoulders and spine. He rolled over without warning after a minute, grabbing Dean's hands with a grin.

He placed his hands down on his chest, letting his palms rest flat, but didn't let go of them. "Got you," he whispered, and Dean grinned.

"You sure did." He looked around the room, noticing for once that it seemed lighter in there, and he was positive that it was all because of Castiel. He stretched his back, and arched himself down to the bed, resting flat on his side.

Castiel curled in to him without a second thought, and Dean enjoyed how in synch they were already, and how much he loved just having the other there for him.

They kissed. It was slow, and languid, and Dean almost didn't want to break it. But when he did, it was with a smile.

Castiel leaned in to kiss his nose, and Dean scrunched it up, leaning in to kiss Castiel's, who pulled the same face. They laughed, and Dean knew that he'd love to be with this man for as long as time permitted them to be.

He reached down between their bodies, grabbing Castiel's hand, pulling it up. He pressed his lips to his knuckles, eyes still locked on him. "I've got you."

Castiel smiled in return, his eyes soft and filled with love for the man in front of them, and Dean could feel it. He tangled their feet together. "You sure do."

I really hoped you guys enjoyed this story. It was a lot of fun for me to write, so I hope you had fun reading it.

I'd like to thank Axis, for being amazing and betaing this. I added some parts, so any mistakes are probably from that as she did a great job. If you wanna send praise her way, her ff is axisofsymmetry, and so is her tumblr. :)

If you have any questions, please let me know.

Thanks for reading!