Huge thanks to Sandra. I couldn't have done this without her extraordinary help. Also thanks to Nicole and Jenn for pre-reading.

Lyrics courtesy of Faith Hill.

A/A exchange. Prompt by Sandra: For most people, Christmas is about happiness, but for some - despite the cheerful decorations and bright lights - it is the most dark and depressing time of the year. Damon and/or Elena belong in the latter category. Tell a story about why Christmas is that way for him/her/them and how they deal with those days.

Where are you Christmas

Why can't I find you

Why have you gone away

Where is the laughter

You used to bring me

Why can't I hear the music play

Present day

DAMON

Habitually running my hand through my black hair, I was deep in thought. Shaking my head, I glanced out the tenth floor window of my office. It was that time again.

For many people, Christmas was the happiest time of the year. Pretty lights adorned the homes and businesses in our small town. Festive music played over the downtown loud speakers. Bell ringers were strategically placed outside each business hoping to hear the clanging of coins dropping in their buckets as people passed by. Children would build forts and have snowball fights; hearing their laughter would brighten anyone's day.

Christmas used to feel this way for us too. We'd been so exuberantly happy once upon a time. When he was taken away, he took it all with him ...

Eight years ago

We were happily singing along to the Christmas carols playing on the car radio as we pulled into the lot to purchase a Christmas tree.

Elena was determined to find the perfect tree for our small apartment. We didn't have much money. Somehow we scraped enough together to buy a few lights and ornaments to brighten up our tiny home. Elena had already popped popcorn and strung it with cranberries to use as a garland when we would decorate our tree.

"Look Damon! What do you think of this one," Elena yelled excitedly. I looked at her holding up a christmas tree and smiled. I loved seeing her so carefree with the innocence of a child reflected in her eyes. "No, there's a bald spot on that one. Let's look around a little more."We scoured the lot looking at all manner of Christmas trees, tall ones, short ones, long and short needled trees. Just as we were about ready to call it quits, there it was, hidden in the corner of the lot, the perfect tree."Oh my gosh Damon, that's it. Please can we take this one?" Elena stated breathlessly. "Absolutely sweetheart, you're right, it is perfect."

This was our second Christmas together after we'd married in February the year before. Elena had been stunning in a simple tea length gown while I was dressed to the nines in my old black suit. We couldn't afford much so the wedding was a simple and intimate one. Jeremy walked Elena down the aisle, giving his blessing to me as he handed her off. My best friend Ric and my brother Stefan along with Elena's aunt Jenna and her best friends Bonnie and Caroline stood up for us. None of the dresses, nor suits matched. Still it was a beautiful ceremony.

Our parents were all deceased except for my dad who was addled with Alzheimer's disease. I loved him fiercely but he rarely recognized me and Stefan anymore. He passed away quietly in his sleep surrounded by Elena, Stefan and I November that same year. His death made our first holidays together bittersweet at best.

Once we brought the tree home, we set it up and decorated it to the strains of Handel's 'Messiah' and Elena's favorite, 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' by Judy Garland. I lifted Elena to place the angel atop our charming little tree. When we were done, I pulled her into my arms, hugging her tightly as we admired our handiwork. Finally Christmas had truly arrived. I baked a turkey with all the trimmings. Stefan and Caroline brought desserts and breads. Jenna and Ric showed up, presents in hand along with eggnog and candies. Only one missing was Jeremy. He was away spending Christmas with his girlfriend out of state.

After everyone left, when we were finally alone, Elena whispered she was pregnant. My eyes brightened in awe. I'm sure my smile stretched from ear to ear. I pulled her into my arms and twirled her around the room.

Our son, Billy, arrived in the middle of August the following year. He was two long weeks overdue. When he finally decided to grace us with his presence, he weighed in at seven pounds and was twenty inches long. Our child was perfect. We were both over the moon.

With a little rearranging and cramping of our apartment, we made do. We set up his crib in our room. Eventually we'd need a bigger place but for now we were in heaven. There were trips to the doctor for shots, illnesses. His first fever nearly had us in a panic. We learned that was a reaction all new parents have. Every moment spent with Billy was magical.

I worked very hard day in and day out at the office while Elena worked part-time at the florist shop in our small town. We loved life, having the Rocky Mountains in our backyard. On weekends we would pack a picnic basket and spend the day hiking or share our passion for mountain climbing. After Billy came, we took him along with us, hiking trails or stopping to pick wildflowers. When he would be old enough, together we'd teach him to love scaling mountains too.

Eventually we bought a small three bedroom home with a fenced in yard. Our life was idyllic till Billy turned four.

On 'that' day, Billy begged to play outside. We lived in a small town. Nothing bad ever happened there.

Elena took him outside to play in the sandbox. She had a cake baking in the oven. When the timer went off, Elena went inside to take the cake from the oven and to throw a load of clothes into the washer. By the time she got back outside, Billy had vanished.

At first she thought he was playing hide and seek. When her search for him turned up empty, panic gripped her. Elena had searched the streets and yards around our home to no avail. It was then she called me, her voice quivering, barely coherent, as she struggled to tell me what happened. I called the police while speeding home.

By the time I got there, the police were already questioning Elena and scouring the neighborhood. Apparently no one saw anyone or anything amiss, nor did anyone admit to hearing anything. I took Elena in my arms trying to comfort her with reassuring words of "we'll find him" and "he'll be fine."

My buddy Ric was our local chief of police. I had utmost faith in him to find my son. He activated the 'Amber Alert' system in our state. Pictures of Billy were on all the news casts and in all the papers. Flyers with his picture and description were released state wide, eventually spreading to surrounding states. 'The Center for Missing and Exploited Children' helped beyond measure as well, mobilizing volunteers, organizing our efforts and providing counseling and moral support for Elena and me.

Our friends and family handed out flyers and searched the mountains and valleys around our town. We looked day and night for our son. We offered a reward and set up a hotline for people to call if anyone knew anything. Ric had a buddy who was involved with 'Texas Equusearch.' They came to town and searched mile upon mile on horseback. They spent several weeks working sun up till sun down looking for the most minute of clues, only to come up empty handed.

Days turned to weeks, weeks turned into months as our wait continued while Elena and I worked tirelessly to bring him home.

Every time we had reason to hope, a lead, a tip, that hope was cruelly ripped away from us.

November 23rd will live in infamy for Elena and I. It was a gray, drizzly, overcast day. The doorbell rang. When I pulled the door open, there stood Ric. A child's badly decomposed remains had been found. They needed samples from both of us for DNA testing to determine if this poor child was our Billy.

The next three weeks passed like years as we waited for the results. We still had a flicker of hope that our child was alive out there somewhere. December 17th was the day all of our nightmares became real. Ric, our parish priest and Stefan were standing on the porch when I opened the door. The DNA match was positive. The child that someone brutally murdered and threw away was our Billy. Elena and I collapsed under the weight of our unfathomable grief. Our tears fell unbiden. We were numb as the following days passed in a blur.

Stefan and his wife, Caroline, planned the funeral for us. We could barely function let alone plan for Billy's final goodbye.

His funeral was held on December 22nd, a bitter cold and dreary day. Elena was practically catatonic as I guided her to the gravesite for our final goodbyes. Together we gathered a fist full of dirt and tossed it in as they lowered his casket. "Goodbye Billy," we whispered before collapsing in unparalleled agony.

Eight months after Billy was found, another child disappeared in much the same manner. This time however, the kidnapper had killed the boy's babysitter before absconding with him.

The animal was caught trying to pass the boy off as his own in a restaurant. A waitress had recognized the little boy from news reports. Because of similarities between his abduction and Billy's, the police surmised they could be related. Under intense questioning by local authorities, he confessed to killing our boy too; revealing the exact location where Billy's remains had been found all those months ago. To avoid the death penalty, the monster agreed to plead guilty to both the babysitter's and Billy's murders.

I am grateful that Elena and I didn't have to sit through court proceedings while he callously revealed to a jury what horrors he'd inflicted on our son.

Present day

Life went on. I buried myself in work, it was the only way I could cope. I left early in the morning and stayed till late in the evening.

At first, it took everything in me to get Elena to eat, bathe, dress - just function. Everyday, I'd get up and do it all over again. Although she gradually started doing that all herself again, she was not the same anymore. How can anyone really be the same when such tragedy is visited upon you?

After Billy's death Elena and I were like ships passing in the night. We shared a home and a bed, yet were more roommates than man and wife. Elena was still held captive to unimaginable grief. She blamed herself because she went in the house to take that damn cake out of the oven. I could not blame my wife. She did nothing wrong but I can't convince her of that fact.

Now, here we are again, the third anniversary of his death is upon us. We stopped celebrating Christmas the year Billy died. Sometimes we'd walk through the mall to see the festive trimmings. Or we'd stop and watch as the little children took their turns sitting on Santa's lap. Elena would smile at the children but it never reached her eyes. My heart clenched because we were both still reeling from our loss.

I still loved her with every fiber of my being but I needed and wanted my wife back. I dropped my head into my hands as tears started to leak from my eyes. "I miss you Billy."

Where are you Christmas

Do you remember

The one I used to know

I'm not the same one

See what the time's done

Is that why you have let me go

ELENA

Tears filled my eyes as I reminisced about my beautiful little boy. He'd be seven now, giddy with excitement as Christmas neared. We'd take pictures of him sitting on Santa's lap, eating candy canes, tearing into his presents.

"Stop it Elena," I thought to myself, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. Those things are never going to happen again.

My thoughts turned to Damon. He struggled in the wake of Billy's death just as much as I had. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I knew he loved me. I just didn't know how to get past this pain that consumed me. Somehow I had to let this guilt I feel go or I don't know if Damon and I will survive.

"I'm home Elena,"he announced as he took off his coat and scarf to hang up. "In here," I answered. He found me in the kitchen staring out the window watching the snow fall gently to the ground.

"Sweetheart please, please, we have to move on. I can't live like this anymore, Elena. The overwhelming sadness is suffocating us," he softly said while walking up to me.

Billy wouldn't want this," I pleaded. "I can't Damon. I can't forget. It's like he took a part of me with him. It's my fault. If I hadn't left him outside, if I'd made him come into the house with me … Everything is gray and dark, it's like I'm frozen. I can't find my way out of this abyss I'm drowning in. I love you so much, I do ..." I implored him.

"Do you think that I don't miss him? I'd give my life in a heartbeat if I could put him back in your arms but I can't, Elena. You did nothing wrong. It's not your fault that monster took our son. He's to blame, not you. Please Elena, I want us back. I love you more than life itself but we can't live like this." Sighing heavily at his words, I turned on my heels and walked out of the room.

He was already asleep by the time I crawled into bed. I knew I was hurting him but how do I stop? Feeling tears begin to prick at my eyes, I turned, back facing him, before burying my face in the pillow, crying myself to sleep yet again.

"Mama, It's me Billy. Please don't be so sad anymore. I'm okay mama. It's pretty here, I'm happy. The sun is always shining, there are birds and butterflies. I'm with Papa Gray and Grandma Gilbert. Papa taught me how to ride a bicycle and hit a baseball. Papa G pushes me on the swing set and reads stories to me. Grandma Lizzie hugs me all the time and makes me cookies. Please mommy, don't be so sad anymore. Help Daddy, please mama..."

Startled awake, I lurched upright, feeling goose bumps erupting on my skin. "Hey, you okay, another nightmare," my husband whispered sadly from beside me. "No, it was Billy. He was here, he talked to me and he's happy, Damon." I exclaimed, happy tears falling from my eyes.

He stared, mouth agape, before pulling me into his arms and pressing a soft kiss to my temple. "We're going to be alright, Damon," I whispered.

December 22nd. One year later

Hand in hand, we walked the somber path to Billy's final resting place. After laying the flowers on the soil, together we ran our fingers across his name scrolled in the granite. "Hi son, it's daddy and mommy. We just wanted to see you and tell you how much we love you. Billy, we want to thank for the unending joy you gave us in the short time you were with us," I uttered with reverence. "Not a day goes by that you aren't in our thoughts baby. We brought you a Christmas present. Sweetheart, this is your baby sister, Hadley Kate."

I feel you Christmas

I know I've found you

You never fade away

The joy of Christmas

Stays here inside us

Fills each and every heart with love

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