note: this isn't a post valentines update or anything^^

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・・。。・・。。Fragments ・・。。・・。。

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"I'm sorry," Usami said with a humorless smile. "...But you make it sound like I'm some gay."

The man with a clean-cut hair just lost the color of his face. He was as pale as a ghost as some would say. However, the glint in the man's blue eyes remained flickering. A time bomb nearing its limit.

"Fuck..." Usami thought. He should have never entertained his freaking curiousity.

The man across him seemed to have gone numb and didn't reply. It gave Usami the chance to wander his eyes for a bit. The open gate looked old. Inside was a bike too beside a parked black car. And a silver name plate was there. Usami squinted.

"Takahashi Takahiro..." Usami read.

Before Usami could read the other name, a sharp pain shot under his jaw. It shook Usami by surprise and he staggered almost falling on his knees. He could feel a rusty feeling in his mouth. Usami raised his angry eyes towards the man while wiping the blood with the back of his hand.

"HOW DARE YOU!"the man shouted, totally outraged. "WELL LET ME BREAK IT OUT TO YOU! YOU'RE A FUCKING HOMOSEXUAL WHO PLANTED SILLY THINGS IN MY BROTHER'S HEAD!"

Due to the shouting, some mothers started looking out their windows but disappeared fast. Usami on the other hand just looked at the man with a dumb expression. Not getting what this stranger was saying.

Being told he was gay out of the blue first thing in the morning? That could only be an ugly joke too sick it wasn't even worth laughing.

The other man after a succession of deep breaths seemed to have calm down a little. He wasn't even the type to just explode like that and this was a first. Anything for his younger brother and he would just get riled up. He ran his hand over his face a couple of times like he was going to cry and then looked Usami in the eyes.

"I'm sorry," Takahiro mumbled, massaging his knuckles. "I'm sorry...you got into that accident, and had an amnesia. You're just a victim. But I'm a brother...so I'm sorry..."

Takahiro inhaled while not looking at Usami. "Please leave...I did not agree with the relationship between you two in the first place. So don't expect me to say anything," the man bowed slightly then turned back inside the house, pausing just before opening the door. "Anyway...isn't it better not to remember anything now?"

Usami stepped back. He knew but he didn't know how, he just could feel that the man who just hit him a while was not the kind to joke. And that Sumi. And his passing memories .

Weak, the man waited for a cab. He would get tickets and then fly back to America. Why make himself suffer?

The feeling of something about to explode deep within made the man nauseous. Like how a balloon tries to contain pressure. He wanted to vomit. But there was nothing to release, only a series of panicked breathing accompanied by the thundering in his chest.

Usami Akihiko, really, he finally was admitting it. He didn't want to remember. Deep within him, he didn't want.

It's hard to be always the expected hero by the people around. There was no one to save the hero.

"Usagi-san...you can cry if you want to..."

While waiting for any car, any other human aside from him, Usami looked down on the red leaves under his feet. Surprisingly, it wasn't raining but he could feel his eyes getting warmer, getting blurry.

The man immediately looked up. Tears, never will he allow himself to show weakness. And so he swallowed all the painful throbbing in his throat. Angrily glaring at the gloomy sky that seemed to be having fun out of his misery.

Feeling the coolness of the breeze against his face, he whispered, "I really want to know...yet..."

He wanted yet he didn't. He was afraid to know why he's being frightened of remembering. If in his past he had such gentle memories of this voice, why was he scared enough to remember as if it would kill him?

Having not the least bit of expectation that the cold looking man having half the same blood as his would come at his place, Usami opened the door to his hotel room in chilly silence. They weren't close as what Usami had concluded from the very start even before this whole amnesia thing. It looked like they had some issues running.

"You should have come to the house or at the company, father is worried," the man sporting almost the same height started, following Usami even without being invited. His words sounded monotonous one woud think if he was even sincere.

"Why are you here, Haruhiko?" Usami asked as he tossed his coat on the sofa. He headed to the small fridge and took a bottle of water.

"I wanted to come ever since you went back here in Japan."

Making a smug face, Usami sat on a red couch. "The extent of Usami Family's power somehow annoys me," the man said motioning for his half brother that he could sit anywhere. "But that doesn't answer my question, does it?"

Haruhiko who had the same cold eyes as his half brother sat across Usami. He had his coat neatly in his arms. Between the two brothers, Haruhiko was more of the 'proper type'. It was also due to the fact that he was older.

"I want to talk with you," Haruhiko replied locking gazes with Akihiko. "Father believes its better for you not to remember but I doubt it is. It's unfair for Misaki as well."

"Misaki..." Usami Akihiko threw the empty water bottle into the bin. "If you're here to tell me I am gay then you're the second."

"I didn't come here to tell you about your preferences. I just came here to tell you something."

Usami gave a humorless chuckle. "Fuck, so I am?"

"I didn't come here to talk about that."

Usami shook his head in disbelief before burying his face on his palms. If his life was being written by someone right now. The author must be one twisted one to make him like this; miserable.

"Why now?"

Haruhiko smiled. The other thought it was strange.

"I don't know."

The silverhaired man sat properly and looked away. Haruhiko wasn't the type to just smile all of a sudden. What was more was that that smile wasn't even feeling good. Like it was pity and pent up desire to break out too. Second, Haruhiko just wasn't the man to say 'I don't know'.

Haruhiko looked more relieved for a brief moment that Akihiko seemed ready to listen.

"By all means remember that father is just a human. A father wanting to keep you away from this whole thing again. He doesn't mean any harm..." Haruhiko started in a calm, soft voice. "He doesn't mean any harm for taking advantage of your amnesia..."

Akihiko slowly looked at his brother. They just stayed the same like that for a moment. Sensing each other's readiness. And then Haruhiko pushed the glasses he was wearing properly on the bridge of his nose.

"And I guess...I could understand why you wouldn't want to remember. But this isn't like you, Akihiko. Running away..."

The brothers were silent for a long while. The hour-clock that was once on seven was now on eight.

Haruhiko crossed his legs. The man looked at his polished leather, black shoes that always seemed so new and smiled faintly. "Plus...if anyone is suffering the most because of this, it would be Misaki."

"Misaki...Misaki...Misaki..." Usami repeated, heating up. "Why the fuck is everyone I meet telling me that name!?"

Serious eyes, calm and patient landed on Usami's angry ones. "Because it's a name that changed almost everyone of us. Mostly you."

Usami Akihiko stared at Haruhiko's face. Usami started snickering. Shoulders shaking, chest heaving, he just started laughing. His laughter echoed in all the corners of his room. All the while the brother, Haruhiko just watched him.

As if a button has been pressed, Akihiko stopped. He hid his face behind his clasped hands, elbows on his knees.

"Haruhiko..." Akihiko whispered. "Spill it."

"..."

"Tell me...why..." Akihiko muttered as he buried his face in the palms of his hands in surrender. "...why do I feel like running, everytime I hear that name..."

Haruhiko stood. Tossing his coat on the space he left, he sat with his younger half-brother. A good foot of distance remained.

"We never really did any 'sibling-like' thing ever since, ne Akihiko."

The other didn't respond.

"Aside from half the blood we share, that Misaki you're afraid of, he's the closest thing to both of us."

Haruhiko fixed his eyes at the windows that ran from ceiling to floor, the view was of that night sky, cloudy and unsettling. "Akihiko, you were in a car crash, two years ago..."

"Because I was a reckless driver...I've been told about that!" the silverhaired man spat, suddenly blurting his anger at his brother sitting no more than a feet away. "STOP THE RUN-ABOUT!"

The half brothers found themselves staring at each other. A quiet one.

Never had they been this close, and never had they been agreeable to each other. But Akihiko just watched his older brother's hand land on his left shoulder.

Akihiko was surprised himself that he didn't swat the hand away. He just looked at the hand on his shoulder for a while. And slowly, as if caustiously, looked back at his half brother's eyes.

"Two years ago..." the other man continued patiently, pulling a small folded paper out of the breast pocket of his shirt. "Here..."

Lavender eyes followed his brother's mouth forming words. Akihiko must have gone deaf, or closed to any sounds of the outside world. But his eyes didn't miss what those words were. His right hand reached for the creased paper without thinking.

A squeeze on Akihiko's hand was felt before Haruhiko pulled his hand away. Drawing a deep breath, Haruhiko stood. His steps drowned by the fine carpet, the man left his half brother in the silence of the room, feeling sympathy.

Without looking at the door and his half-brother, Akihiko listened to the faint 'click' of the door closing. He darted his eyes at the ceiling, clutching the paper tightly in between his sweaty palm.

He just knew. He could feel it from his finger tips. The scar he wanted to forget was creeping back, wanting to show its form. Wanting to put an end to the illusion that it was okay not to know.

Surprisingly, he was calm. He was so calm as he unfolded that small folded paper. He was so calm as he absorbed the newspaper article of two years ago.

"..."

He read it once, twice, thrice until he couldn't see the words anymore.

Most people would call it being weak. A crack in a fine pottery even in the world of men. But Akihiko couldn't help it. He didn't even know that he was crying.

Some chilly night of autumn two years ago, it was ten in the evening. He was driving with the proper speed at the proper lane. The traffic wasn't bad and the quiet view of the autumn night was refreshing. Thanks to the book signing event earlier that day, his back was all sore, his jaw numb from all the smiling.

Usami's quiet drive was broken by a mellow tone of his phone. A tone he specifically assigned for only one person and hearing its melody made him smile. It was Misaki.

He maneuvered his car swiftly to the side of the street and stopped the car. Hurriedly he picked his phone and was ready swiping to answer when he suddenly remembered something.

"Where's my goodbye kiss?"

It was earlier that day, a fine Sunday morning. A brown-headed teen was standing at the genkan while carrying a basket of laundry, seeing off his lover for an event. A rare event that if not for his nagging, the author in a fine suit would never leave the cocoon of his flat.

A smile obviously fake was what Usami saw on that young face.

"I love you."

"Hai hai, go already."

Usami sighed and gave a weird smile. "Bye precious."

Misaki fell silent, his emerald eyes at the laundry basket he was holding. "You'll be late."

Usami stared at the screen of his phone for a while even after that short glimpse finished.

He wouldn't deny that he had this dream that one day, Misaki would be able to face him and say those words with a smile. Not the awkward, shy way that sounded always so unsure.

The man placed the phone back on the passenger seat ignoring the call and started driving once more.

Usami had a devilish grin on his face. "I'll make you miss me a little bit..."

It was still a good forty-minute drive before reaching his place. He'd been counting how many times Misaki had been calling. The kid had called three times already with Usami not answering. At the fourth ring, deciding that Misaki was probably already dead worried and a panicked mess, the man stopped his car once more and picked the phone.

But the moment he was about to answer, the call got cut.

"He's mad now for sure," Usami laughed. "I played too much..."

Usami, deciding to call back, suddenly stopped himself. His eyes just landed on a pastry shop where he had parked his car. Thinking of Misaki's sweet tooth and mostly childishness, he was more than excited to see the look on Misaki's face when he gets home.

He left the car to buy his peace offerings, his phone vibrated for a message received.

He'd been there on the road for exactly one hour and thirty four minutes. Usually at this time of the night, it should be as free flowing as the river. Unfortunately, Usami Akihiko was just one of the many irrate drivers and passengers stuck in the road.

"What the hell is going?" Usami hissed, pushing the car door beside him open. He bought a cake with an icecream filling and this traffic was going to make his peace offering and surprise lose its appeal.

Other drivers have already stepped out of their cars. They all have mixed faces, some angry, some who was even enjoying the happening.

Looking around the jampacked cars, Usami then noticed an old man leaning against his car. He looked quiet and more understanding than the rest so Usami approached the old man.

"It's really a heavy traffic, isn't it?" Usami started a conversation for a reason he didn't know.

The old man glanced at him. At first the old man just gave Usami an agreeing nod, looking away. But then, as if sudden recognition crossed his mind, he looked back at the silverhaired man again.

"Oh my god..." the old man mumbled. The way he said it made Usami nervous.

"You're Usami Akihiko right?" the old man asked, stepping forward.

Anytime of the day, Usami would have thought the old man was just a fan or a supporter. However, the old man didn't seem to sound like meeting the author he likes.

"Uh...yes."

"You didn't know?"

Usami smiled uncomfortably. "Know what?"

"It's all over the news! You live at that condo right?"

Usami's face hardened.

"There were some guys who pretended to be buyers...it looked like they've planned this for so long they were even able to knock CCTV footages..." the old man's voice softened, gauging Usami's expression. "They...in the news, they got into your place..."

There was something snapping inside Usami's brain. As if he knew where this conversation was heading.

"And what?" Usami whispered. "What?"

Seeing Usami's pained face, the old man drew a deep breath. "I'm sorry...your friend..."

The author didn't let the old man finish. He turned on his heels, left his car stuck in the middle of the road and ran the fastest he ever did in his life. His head was a blank sheet of paper. Nothing, he just ran and ran.

"Calm down..." Usami told himself. "It's okay...he's okay..."

His legs were screaming in pain. His lungs screaming for rest. But he just couldn't stop running. There were a number of times that he almost fell flat on his face, but he went on.

When he reached his condo, he couldn't even get to its entrance.

"..." he was running after his breath as he stood in place. Clothes stuck against his skin because of sweat, hair messy on his forehead.

Media vans were there. Media people, blinding flashes of the cameras, yellow tapes barricading any gossipers. The endless police mobil sirens were so shrilly it was painful in the head.

"Poor kid..."

Usami heard a voice behind him.

"They could have just took things...they didn't have to kill him."

Usami knew that something inside him has just been thoroughly torn apart.

"He's been stabbed in his chest once. The reason of death's bloodloss. The blade hit the lung tissues severely..."

At that round table, Usami just sat listening. It wasn't at all like it's about someone he deeply know. Like how the Usami family started taking actions of filing a lawsuit to the condo management and the security for negligence. No matter how they sue those people, the ones who did the crime left no trace at all.

"According to forrensics, Takahashi-kun was still alive a few minutes after he's been stabbed. He apparently was making a call..."

Usami lifted his gaze to the bulky man standing before them.

"No one noticed this whole incident until the victim was able to press the fire alarm. It took the management's attention then and when they got in..."

Dry mouth, so dry as if the desert just went into Usami's mouth, he inched at the edge of his seat. Eyes reddening.

"He was...making calls?"

Takahashi Takahiro who was just beside Usami shot a glance at the author.

"Yes. His phone was just beside him so we took his phone and checked it. It turned out that he tried calling..." the police officer gave a somewhat pitiful smile. "You, Usami Akihiko-san four times. But obviously...you weren't able to pick up."

"..."

"We would also like to ask you a few questions regarding that..."

The police officer continued on talking but Usami just sank into a world where he couldn't hear anything.

The world turned up-side down literally. The brother of the victim just pushed Usami off the seat and started showering the author punches and hits. Usami wasn't to blame, Takahiro just didn't know where to put his frustrations.

"Usami! Damn it! Why?!"

Usami just looked at the flourescent on the ceiling so bright it was blinding him. He didn't fight off Takahiro nor did he try to protect himself. He couldn't feel anything anyway.

"I'll make you miss me a little bit..."

Usami bit his quivering bottom lip.

"I shouldn't have played a prank on him...I should've answered the phone...I should've..."

Since no one could move properly, their heads full of Misaki and how terrible he ended, it was Usami Haruhiko who prepared everything for the wake. It was a crushing sight to behold as one after another, as if endlessly, many came to pay their respects.

Many loved Misaki. That was the painful part.

"Where the fuck are you going Usami?! My brother is dead!"

At the hall where the wake was, Usami staggeringly turned to look, looking like he himself was about to die. Just one night he already looked like this.

"My car...it's in the pound," Usami replied smiling.

"What?"

"I need to get my car...I'll be back."

"My brother is dead do you see him there?!" Takahiro yelled, almost wanting to rush to Usami and beat him again. But Sumi stepped forward and held Misaki's brother in place. "My brother is dead Usami, and you could only care about your fucking car?!"

Usami ignored those who gave him disapproving looks. He just walked away from the flowers and the smell of burning incense. He emptily walked to where he needed to go.

Like someone was already using his body, as if it didn't belong to him anymore, he found it surprising that he was already standing before his sports car. For the first time in his life, he hated the color red.

The ticketing process has been done in a flash, and Usami was inside it finally. The scent of sweetness lingered in his nose. The icecream filling inside the cake was no more.

He raised his hands on the steering wheel while his dead eyes stared at his phone on the passenger seats.

So long he just looked at it. So long he didn't know what to do with it.

"..."

As if it would be hot, he reached to it slowly. He pressed on a button and made his phone come to life.

"Four missed calls...one mail," he read aloud.

He ignored the missed calls and hurriedly read the message.

He threw the phone back on the passenger seat and started driving. He was well aware that he couldn't see anything before him. He could only see blotches of colors as his tears just wouldn't stop flowing down his face.

"...i love you, usagi-san."

That was it. Misaki's last message on Earth. How painful must it have been to type even those small words while you could feel the life spilling out of your chest.

Usami wanted to scream, hitting the stirring wheel hard with his palms, but no voice came out of his mouth.

"I love you too...but why couldn't I do anything to have protected you? I'm sorry...sorry..."

With nothing in mind, he pressed on the accelerator, hitting past the speed limit.

Closing his eyes, he let go of the steering wheel and moved his foot off the breaks.

Usami's sobs of anguish and despair filled his room. And yet no matter how deep he tried to breathe, no matter how much he tried to calm himself, the itching pain inside his chest wouldn't go away. He ran away from the memory because dying Misaki was too much painful too bear.

Children's snickering made up for the gloomy day. It was a mystery where these little kids get their energy in such a downcasting weather. But there they were having fun in a neighborhood, Usami would still call as foreign.

"Hey, hey, Code1! A suspicious guy is coming over at 3:00 o'clock!"

A kid hiding behind an unused car frowned, staring at a squacky walky-talky. "Huh? Where is 3:00 o'clock?"

"Aho! Just get with the flow!" the leader of the three kids playing secret agents grumbled. "He stopped in front of Misaki-Nii's house..."

All three children, wrapped in thick clothing ran towards the intruder. Ready to protect their neighborhood they pointed their water guns at the tall man with bad dark circles under his eyes.

"What company are you working for!? How brave of you to come alone!"

Usami Akihiko darted his eyes from the closed doors to the three kids whose heights not even passing his waist. He looked bad smiling with his groggy appearance. Like nothing happened, he fixed his eyes back at the small open garage. The black car was there, the bike resting against the wall was present aside from the empty pots that would soon sprout life come spring.

"Oi! Where are you going?!" the leader of the kids shouted, narrowing his brown eyes at Usami who unceremonously opened the gate to enter. "That's trespassing! Hey what do we do? Takahiro-nii's out!"

Usami silently went over the parked bike and touched the handles. His face hidden by his hair, he motioned to sit on it and use it.

"Oi!" the kid demanded. "That used to be Misaki-nii's bike! What are you doing?!"

The man lifted a foot on one of the pedal and gave a tired a smile. The little boys almost stepped back. The man looked like the dead.

"I'm just borrowing it up a bit..."

"That's not yours!"

Usami looked at the breaks and pressed on it. "I used to share it with your Misaki-nii."

"Huh?"

Usami didn't have to remember with his mind how to use this bike. His body could remember it. Without care how fast he was going, he let the wind blow on his face. Without care that if he'd fall and hit his head again, he pedalled to the intersection, his mind set.

If he failed to follow Misaki two years ago, "This time...for sure..."

"That kid on the intersection..." Usami thought. "Misaki's...been always there..."

He was still far enough. The intersection, that crossing where cars were passing in two different directions was all for himself to use.

"I'm coming to where you are..."

He pedalled faster. He pedalled fiercer to what he wanted. To end it all.

Who could blame him? His purpose just wasn't there anymore.

Some hundred and fifty meters away, two high schooler girls stopped, waiting for the stoplight to allow them to pass. Both seemed to be engaged in a discussion about the cool brand of make-up. The other had a sweet looking face, the other much into the gyaru style.

"Hey...don't you think...that guy is a little too fast?"

The girl with thick mascara lifted her gaze to the direction of her friend's. She stepped back and grabbed her friend in the arm.

"Michi...he looks like..."

They hurriedly looked to the road where a few cars and a delivery van were starting to be in sight.

"Michi!" the gyaru girl shouted. "He'd run right through them!"

They wanted to run in the middle of the road to warn the cars that there was a crazy guy trying to commit suicide. But they wouldn't be able to do that without getting hit themselves.

A bag of convenience store stuff fell on the sidewalk. Takahiro was there, staring at the familiar bike and the familiar man on it.

Screaming, the girls both buried their faces on their hands as they felt the rush of passing cars blew the hem of their skirts.

Takahiro couldn't dart his eyes away. "USAMIIII!"

The hissing of the car engines sounded ten times louder than they usually were. The slightest noise of the car wheels against the asphalt road were so vivid as if they had their ears pressed against it. Even the wind's hissing was so strong it sent chill down their spines.

The girls were huddled together. Takahiro had his mouth half-open.

More seconds passed. And the awaited sound of bone crashing, metal breaking, heart stopping didn't come.

"Eh...?" the girl called Michi dared to peek from her friend's shoulders. "Nana...he stopped."

"Huh?"

Takahiro angrily stomped to the other side of the street. Ignoring the things he bought on the ground, he grabbed Usami by the collar.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!" the man shouted, his chest was clearly in a tight state, for his eyes started to water. "TRYING TO KILL YOUR FUCKING SELF?!"

The girls watched in silence after they went to the other side as well, wanting to know what happened.

"WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING ANYTHING YOU BASTARD!"

Usami just sat on the bike, staring ahead. As if his mind had gone blank.

"Nii-san...calm down..." Michi tried to cut in, raising a hand. "At least he was able to stop the bike before he hurt himself..."

"THAT'S THE PROBLEM! THAT BIKE'S BREAK HAS LONG BEEN NOT WORKING! YOU COULD HAVE REALLY DIED USAMI!"

The girls silently watched the out of place silverhaired man press on the break. His lavender eyes turning glassy and red. Indeed, Usami couldn't feel any strenght with the break.

"You fool..." Takahiro hissed exasperatedly. "Do you think Misaki would be happy if you do this?! With the bike you two used before no less?!"

Usami bowed his head against the handles.

"The bike...just stopped on its own..." Usami mumbled, shoulders shaking. "Takahiro it just stopped..."

The brother looked at the shaking man with disbelief. "What did you say?"

"I didn't do anything...it just stopped."

Takahiro looked around. He walked a feet away then came back at Usami's side. "God..." Takahiro wiped the liquid in his eyes with his hands and hit Usami's shoulders continiously. "God...Usami..."

The girls didn't know what was going on. They didn't know why these grown men were crying in the middle of the streets. They just held hands together, squeezing each other's tightly, getting a fuzzy, painful churn in their innocent chests.

Usami just sobbed there sitting on the bike he tried to use for suicide. He sobbed while remembering a piece of the conversation he had with the brunette in the intersection when he still didn't know.

He cried harder. Pleading his sorrys in between his gasps, Usami gripped the handle tighter, vowing he'd never do it again.

"I'm waiting for someone..." said the brunette before looking straight ahead once more. "I always thought he's like 'superman' or 'supermario' it's funny...He always supported me when I'm waivering so this time, I'm looking after and out for him...I'm afraid he might do a reckless thing."

When loving someone too much and circumstances call for separation, one becomes a coward of facing the future without them. But it's not a crime being such a coward. It's human nature.

The crime was losing all hope and will to live and not finding a new purpose out of the loss.

Miracles do even happen, just so people, like Usami, would realize it.

end

chapter end notes:

i think i already said that i love this theme where couples couldn't be together (ಥ_ಥ). there's beauty in it! so there. (WWWWWW)

also...i may have experienced some amnesia too. i totally forgot about this story. strangely, i only remembered it while watching sochi winter olympic games and feeling like a bittermelon since japan didn't get any place in the overall team figure skating｡･ﾟ･(ﾉД｀)･ﾟ･｡ BUT HANYU YUZURU GOT THE GOLD IN MEN'S FIGURE SKATING THAT I CRIED.^^

i'm proud of you guys! everyone and the other competitors are just really awesome!^^

it took me a while to come back to this, but i'm done and moving on to the next unfinished ones! yey!

thank you very much for your time and reading!

-please share your thoughts!←(･_･┐)

-shuusetsu 彡