The Past Twelve Months

I'm awake. I'm alive. Sometimes, I wonder how I got this far and how I am still surviving. College is wicked cool but it also takes more than half of my time but I cannot stop because I want to be better. I want to be in a better place for my ex to realize that I'm much better without her. Today marks the first year of our breakup. Why do I still remember things like this? Basically, because I built my future with my ex on it and twelve months cannot change that easily. Am I happy that she might be somewhere now being miserable by herself? Kinda. Because I want to think she deserves it. I know I'm being rude and all but I can't help but think this way.

We'd been together for years and I honestly dedicated my whole life to her even if I'm not the kind of person who commits just like that. Do I hate her? No. I won't give her the privilege. If I see her again, I'll probably even smile at her. To show her that I benefitted also from the breakup that came out of the blue. Although, I cannot help but wish a little that she found what she'd searching for or else she won't move on. Here I am, thinking she might me miserable when maybe in reality she's having the best time of her life. Maybe she's with someone now, being happy and all. Maybe she's creating new dreams with somebody else. I don't actually care. Really.

A year ago, I thought it was the end of me. I repeatedly asked myself what the hell was wrong with me until I realized that there's nothing wrong with me. So, I did well in classes and went to a prestigious university. They told me that she was no longer interested in entering Tokyo U. Fine. It's her life. But, me? I'm doing my best here. I'm glad to say that I'm living my life to the fullest. I only remember her when Ruka and the others mention her name.

Besides, I have Nobara. She's the next best thing to a girlfriend. Nobara and I aren't an item yet but sooner or later, maybe. I don't tell stories about us because I want to keep it private and far from nosy people's ears. So far, I'm doing well. Nobara knows me but not my entire story. I didn't even tell her my ex's name just like I don't want to mutter it. My ex hurt me big time and that's because I loved her big time. Damn, I even suggested to her that we start saving for a house. When I think of the past, I just laugh. It's not even worth remembering. Why would you want to remember things that hurt you? That's crazy.

My phone under my pillow vibrates. I immediately get it and find that the message is from Ruka.

Hey, Nat. Just txting u if ur still going tonight.

Yeah. Still on it.

Ruka invited me over for dinner in a newly opened bar just downtown Tokyo. He said that Koko and Yuu will be there, too. It's been months since we actually got together so I agreed just to see them and not be labeled as a student studying to death. After I closed the message, I checked the time and I still have an hour before lunch time. I get up, my goal is to clean myself up then cook. Apparently, my dorm mate took the week off for Osaka. We're allowed to cook here since the rent is higher than regular dorms. While waiting for the rice to cook, I check my e-mail. All I got are the files I've asked pertaining to the proposals for this year events.

Being a batch representative has its perks. It divides my time from studying but it is also my edge from the other and it's not like I'm behind my classes. In fact, I'm still on top of it. I bring out the meat and vegetables from the fridge and start my cooking. I'm independent in everything and Nobara says that it's a good quality of me. When everything was done, I quickly started eating. I have to do some grocery shopping after this and study a little before I meet up with my friends.

High school is nowhere near college but I get a constant reminder of my high school life because of Hotaru Imai. We have the same Biology class but we don't talk. We only exchanged some gestures of acknowledgment. I don't really care about her but the way she looks at me disturbs my peace. What did I ever do to her? It's already three so I lock the room and make my way to the nearest store. The weather is still cold but it's not very bothersome. The store is only a few blocks so no wonder I reached it quickly but what shocks me and makes me wonder is why the hell Hotaru Imai is here. Of all places and time.

I am about to ignore her like we used to do in school but get caught up when she talks to me.

"Looking good, Hyuuga."

"Hn."

"See you tonight."

Wait, what? "Tonight?"

"Yeah. You're not the only one invited."

Then it hit me like a baseball. Shit. Damn you, Ruka. "It's boys' night meaning no girls allowed."

Imai smirks. "That's rule you created in your mind. We're acquainted with them, too."

Then, she starts going to the counter with a cart full of goods. As for me, well, I cannot concentrate anymore because I am beyond pissed. I dial Ruka's number with my hand gripping hard the device. Three rings until he answered.

"Ruka."

"Natsume! Why?"

"Did you think I wouldn't know?"

"Know about what?"

"About Imai and the others coming tonight."

"Oh, shit. You aren't supposed to know. Damn that Hotaru. Sorry, Nat. We had no plans of telling you because you'll seriously oppose to it and as for us, we want to see them also. Don't worry. We wouldn't do anything that will upset you."

"Just don't expect me to be there."

"Come on, Natsume! Stop being childish."

"The hell, Ruka?"

"Just go. Don't distance yourself from us. We're your real friends."

He hangs up on me and I just curse myself, swearing repeatedly as I throw grocers on the cart with a little violence. What if that stupid Ruka invited her too? Is this some kind of a joke? Are they setting us up? What else do they want from me? Ugh, this is frustrating. I pay the bill and walk rapidly to reach my dorm room. I pull out my phone from the pocket and pres Nobara's number.

"Hey, Nattie! Why'd you call?"

Should I tell her? Should I ask her to go out with me tonight instead and use that as an excuse to not go at Ruka's set up? But, if I am to tell her then that means I will have to tell her the whole story. I want to spare Nobara that part of my life. I hear Nobara calls my name from the other line.

"Nothing. Just checking up on you. How was the group assignment?"

"Fine. Although, some are not cooperating."

"I'll just text you later."

"Okay. Bye!"

It's better to face this now than never, I conclude. There is no assurance that she will be there so I'm safe for now. See what you did to me, ex? Because of you, I act like a girl. What the hell? What the hell! If you just ended up things properly, then this would not happen. Now, I'm avoiding you as if you deserve my concern. My life almost screwed up because you made me believe in your lies for years. I loved you ever since then you stood me up like I'm some goddamn toy.

No use in blaming my ex for everything. I did this to myself partly. Freshening up, I fully decided to go. I'll just hail a taxi because I'm sure I'll be late. As I near the meeting place, my nervousness lessens and suddenly I don't feel anything but confident. I enter the bar-restaurant and see Ruka and the others on the corner with a long table. I see Koko, Yuu, Ruka, Imai, Umenomiya, and Ogasawara. No sign of her. She must be late, like always.

Koko pats me in the shoulder and adjusts himself to give me space to sit. He then exclaims, "Oh, I'm starving. Finally, you're here. For a second there, we thought you're not coming."

"You should've ordered without me," I say.

"No way. We wait. We always wait," Yuu explains, smiling a little.

We order food, lots of it. Chitchat starts, asking questions about college and stuff. We even go back to junior high which seems like so long ago. They're careful not to touch sensitive topics.

"I went to Alice Academy the other day," Umenomiya starts, "To get my school records and saw Mr. Narumi. My gosh, he's still the same."

"Well, we're just six months in college," Imai says.

"Six months and Yuu and Anna are already together," Koko teases.

Yuu's cheeks become red and the same happens to Umenomiya. They are being teased already back in high school but it's just recently that Yuu got the confidence to officially ask Umenomiya out. I hear Ruka's making a move with Imai and it almost made me seizure when I got to know that. I won't be surprised if I find out that Koko has the hots for Ogasawara.

"Hey, Nonoko. Do you like some?" Koko says with a large smile, offering the dish he ordered for himself only.

My jaw almost dropped. Is everyone hooking up? Why they didn't do it back in high school? Why now? Why now that there is a wider population to choose from? I mean we're in college. They should expand the list of people they know. Ruka eyes me with a sinister smile. He's eating nachos as an appetizer and the way he does it almost put me out of my appetite.

"Thank you for coming, Natsume"

"I've got nothing better to do, Ruka."

Ruka smiles wider. "We told you already. We won't do something that might upset you."

"Why don't you tell us stories about Tokyo U, Nattie?" Koko starts with a big grin. "I heard that you're with a girl now."

Ogasawara beams. "Oh, who is she?"

"You don't know her," I reply.

"Wow! He didn't even bother to deny it," Koko laughs.

Ruka interrupts by saying, "Good for you, Natsume." And proposes a toast. Silly guys.

I smirk with all my might and drink my first glass of lemonade with a small amount of beer. "It's not like I'll be miserable forever," I blurt out.

What I like about this group is that they don't force me with my ex because they understand too how unreasonable she was for breaking up on me just like that. Sure, sometimes they can't help but mention her but that's also because she's been a big part of their lives, too. It's good that even Imai and the others are close to her, they didn't take sides when we split up. They had let us manage our own problems which was good because it was really our problem, not theirs.

"By the way, I hope you don't mind me asking, but where's Mikan?" Umenomiya asks out of the blue.

Just like that I almost spilled my drink. The alarm is evident on the face of others and they all look at me as if they're waiting for my approval to delve more on the topic. I act naturally, with my emotionless face on so they cannot easily read me. I'm a tough guy but they treat me like a fragile vase. I cannot blame them because I almost did not escape depression a year ago.

"She's busy," Imai answers, breaking the awkward silence on the table.

Ruka fakes a cough. "Busy with what?"

Imai tenses like she wants to hide the information that will answer Ruka's question but does not want to be the loser of the conversation. "Doctor's appointment," Imai adds.

Ogasawara gasps. "Gosh, she's pregnant?!"

"Hardly. She has a weekly therapy with a doctor that I believe is teaching in Yome's school."

"Who?" Koko asks.

I am also curious.

"Doctor Hitoriki, I believe."

Koko's eyes widens."Hotaru, what is Mikan doing with a psychologist?"

Imai shrugs and looks at me. "To pay for her sins, maybe."

Ruka frowns and clanks his fork on the ceramic plate. When Ruka's annoyed, he makes noises. "Not a good joke, Hotaru Imai."

What am I suppose to say after that? I don't want to comment on the issue because that will only give them the wrong message that I care. No one talks. No one dares. So what if she's seeking psychological help. What does that have to do with me? I'm not even sure if it's about our breakup or her unresolved issues. I glare at Ruka. This is what I don't want to happen. That every time we see each other, they will drag her name like she's still a part of me.

"Guys," Yuu begins, "I think it's best for us not to talk about a person who is not here. We should also not jump into conclusions because we don't know the whole story. Shall we continue eating? I'm sure we're still half starving."

We follow Yuu's suggestion with Umenomiya apologizing then and now. Ogasawara diverts the topic into weird subjects in which Ruka tries to relate. We finish our food and we order some more drinks. We need the alcohol. A few hours pass and Koko is already dancing on the earlier-empty-dance floor as Yuu joins him in stupidity. Ruka tries to talk me out in dancing but I refuse. Now, only Imai and I are left on the table.

"I'm not apologizing for what I said earlier."

Her monotonous voice freaks me out and makes me think of a cold dungeon out there in the North Pole.

"I don't expect that."

"Because of what happened to the both of you, Mikan cannot be invited anymore."

"Don't talk like this is my fault," I snap.

"It's Mikan's fault but not solely hers. You played a part on it."

"You know what, Imai? I actually don't care if she's miserable or at a state of depression because whatever she's feeling right now, it's only the result of her decisions. Why don't you all give me a favor and just stop talking about her? This is what I hate about meetings like this. You all can't just stop."

Imai nods, drinking the remaining amount of soda in her glass. "Anna asked a question and I just answered."

I roll my eyes, reaching my limit already. This is irritating. "Don't care for your explanations, Imai."

"She's not a psycho, Hyuuga. The reason why she visits a doctor is upon the recommendation of her counselor. You see, Mikan's isolated and doesn't talk much."

Angrily, I ask, "What do you want me to do? Talk to her?"

"Hyuuga, the reason I'm talking to you is because I want to help her. She thinks you hate her so much and punishes herself for it. If only you can show her something that can help her see that you are not that angry—"

I stand up, pulling out my money and smash it onto the table. "I'm not angry. She doesn't get that privilege. But this conversation, it annoys me. It annoys the hell out of me."

"You're right. Mikan doesn't deserve that. Even if she loved you, she still doesn't deserve your forgiveness."

Then Imai shoves me a bag.

"What the hell is this?" I yell.

Her eyes sharpen and I can see her facial muscles are tense. Hotaru Imai is angry and she is trying her best to conceal it. I see Ruka and wave my hands. The night is young and I am consuming it by walking to get to my dorm. Ruka sent me dozens of text on where did I go but I ignored it effortlessly. I'm sure Imai will do the explaining. Tonight, I'm excused. I have enough of this bullshit.

I debate on my mind whether I should throw this mysterious bag or not but something inside me is curious about it. When I enter my empty dorm room, I didn't bother to switch on the lights. The moon light is enough to illuminate this room. I throw the bag on my bed and change my clothes. I'm tired and I want to rest already but something tells me to check what's inside on that bag that Imai made an effort to give to me.

Jumping to my bed, I grab the bag and slowly open it. Then, papers explode out of it. No, these are not just papers, these are letters. I open one only to find out that it's from her. Her neat handwriting is embellished in every piece. I check the dates and arrange them in order. Seems like she started writing almost two years ago. I read it, one by one, finding the reason inside on what possessed me to even bother checking this out. She started with saying sorry to me because of the time she gives more to herself than to other people especially me. Months passed on her letter than it's about her sadness and her feeling terrible for leaving me.

An impressive commonality in the later letters is the date of it. Always on the same date of the month. Our monthsary. What is she up to? Writing all this stuff like she's inducing sadness onto herself. I barely trace happiness from her letters. Is this what Imai meant of the isolation and punishing herself? Reading these depress me also.

After four hours, I'm finish. I understand some things now. That she really thought that she was giving all herself to me and became distant to other people. That she started to think that she could not live without me. I heard them before but it's just now that I understand more. My eyes are heavy. I'm drifting to sleep now. But, I can't seem to stop myself from reciting my favorite from all the letters inside my head and all the sentences I want to use to reply to it.

Dear Nattie,

Your favorite song woke me up today because it's blasting from our neighborhood's radio. Honestly, the playlist you made on my phone is still there and whenever I want to think about happy memories, I play it but them after finishing all the songs, I cry. Always. I know the reason and it's because I miss you. I would not dwell on it much because you know all the reasons why I miss you. Last week, I talked to Mr. Narumi and asked how you are doing with your classes. You got me so worried about your school performance. I cannot help but blame myself for it so I asked the teachers to encourage you even if it's not noticeable or won't have a big impact. I know that one small thing can help. I cannot approach you because your friends and family scare the shit out of me. Oops, did I swear? Sorry. But, they think I'm bad for you so distance is better.

Anyways, suddenly, you attend classes again. Good for you, good for you! That really made me happy. I hope your dreams come true, Nattie. I know you hate me and the possibility of us having a decent relationship is near zero but I'm still going to say this. I'm proud of you. Wherever you go, I will support you silently. My love for you is eternal. I'm feeling a little depress also. Maybe I will have a hard time moving on. Yes, I still can't move on. When I think of the breakup, I see my immature self. And, yeah, you don't deserve that immature self. You deserve more. You deserve so much more. See? You're going to school again. Yeahey. Make me proud, Natsume Hyuuga. I will be miserable for a year or so but wait 'till I get better.

You see, Natsume, we all have our destiny. Your destiny and mine, I still don't know if we are bound to share it. Maybe one day we'll know. Maybe one day, you'll accept me again. Oh, what am I saying? What I really want to say is that I hurt you and I don't think my reason is valid enough but my love, it's true. It's pure. I love you, present tense. Please take your time to forgive me. Graduate with flying colors and take college by storm. If somehow you find someone that completes you, please do not let go. Do not do what I did.

Writing to you every month, Mikan

END

A Year After is originally a one-shot but now it's a two-shot. Thanks to you guys who reviewed and requested it. I hope I did not destroy the story with this. I'm thinking of ending the story with this chapter but if you are still unsatisfied, you can always tell me your thoughts. Thanks for the support, my dear readers. If, by any chance, you find a very disturbing error on this chapter, I apologize because I did not proofread it.

Have a nice day, everyone!