A Year After

It's been a year since I broke up with Natsume and still people ask me why I did it. In their eyes, we were the perfect, cat-and-mice couple who don't always get along but went through all the odds. They think we're so perfect that I almost convinced myself that even if we had flaws, we still had a love that can conquer it all. It took us almost one year to be the couple then we were together for two years until I called it quit. Until I decided to end a very wonderful relationship.

Natsume and I fought always, we teased each other, we liked different things, and even our personalities clashed. All of our oppositeness drew us closer and little did I know it, we seemed to understand each other deeper compared to our own respective friends. I was the cheery girl who annoyed him and he was the quiet and rude boy who made fun of me. I remember the promises we made together. We even started saving for our future house. Twenty percent of our monthly allowance goes to the imaginary house we were saving for. We decided to go to the same college and started studying together. His parents were fond of me and so was my mother.

Our friends were friends with each other so we didn't worry if they will accept our relationship or not. Besides, our friends were the ones who would always tease us that we could be the perfect pair. Our first year together was wonderful. Natsume continued his usual cold façade that matched his uncaring attitude but deep inside he was really sweet. He would always walk me home. Not a day went by that he didn't make me feel that I'm not wonderful. He showered me with simple but very meaningful gifts. We bought matching things even if he thought of it as very mushy and embarrassing.

I wrote him letters, cooked for him, made him chocolates even if he hated sweet foods. Us being classmates helped a lot in our schedule. We could go out in our convenient time. We would visit places we'd never been before then we would take pictures then I would make a scrapbook of it. We texted everyday and at night we talked on the phone. Whenever breaks came and we had our own respective family outings, we would update each other on what we were doing and where we were. He got jealous easily which I lectured him for then I realized that since most of the girls in our school liked him, I acted protective of him.

We would fight on how controlling and possessive our relationship would get then we would not talk for a week until we realized our faults and proposed a remedy for it. Our relationship was indeed a romantic one. Whenever each one of us sick, we took care of each other. Even now, I cry a little when I remember how sweet we used to be. I must admit that I miss him every day but I should remind myself the reason why I broke up with him and why I never entertained his efforts for us to be back together. It is a struggle but this is my choice.

The second year of our relationship was a bit of bipolar. We still did what the things we'd done before but that time I was more focused on myself. When I got almost failing grades on two of my subjects, I started doubting myself if I could still be on the same college as Natsume's. He was a genius himself and could go anywhere while, me, I had to work harder for it. I told him that we need to lessen our late night calls and during exams we should study individually because we would only distract each other. He disagreed severely to the idea but I begged him to adhere to it because I was just doing this for the sake of our future.

My grades improved but my relationship with him became distant. I reviewed myself for the past year and found out that all I did was to be in loved with Natsume and did nothing for myself. It got the point that I regretted not joining any clubs that year. Every day, I thought of it as a cycle. It was hard for me and Natsume to be together so why did I feel like this was not I wanted. He would ask me what was wrong then I refused to answer. Of course, Natsume had an idea. He tried to talk me out of it then months later, I revealed him the reason. He told me that I need not to grow as a person because I was already a mature person, capable of handling herself.

I cried that time. That was when I realized that my life won't forever revolve around him. There was never a day I didn't think of him. I loved him so much that made so engrossed with him for the past year. I realized that I neglected my friends because at that time I craved more for his companion. Natsume continued being his own self while I changed. And I changed for the worse.

For months, we continued being the perfect couple but inside I was dying. It was until I ended things. Natsume was furious. He said that I worry too much and I imagine things that might not even happen. He yelled at me, told me to go home and think about what I said but I firmly stood to my decision. We were not so perfect after all. I knew that breakup hurt him a lot because he skipped classes and not a week went by that he was not absent. He isolated himself from our usual crowd. The teachers spoke to me also because they worried about Natsume's disappointing performance. They even said to me that Natsume might lose the chance to get to the university we both planned to go to.

I talked to him in a way I knew that could end things well for us but it was no success.

"What happened, Mikan? If there was a problem, why didn't you tell it to Hyuuga? Why the hell did you keep it?"

Hotaru's questions ring into my mind even now. Maybe I did not tell him because I was afraid or that if I told him things would be different and in the end, I won't still be capable of making a decision for myself. Natsume ignored me since that day and sadly he never looked at me. His parents talked to me that Natsume was acting weird and I should intervene but I didn't think that I could help.

It's been a year today since my life turned upside down. At first, I was dead worried if Natsume can make it. But, five months after our breakup, he came back. He aced his classes and graduated with flying colors. He even got accepted to the university he dreamt of while I chose to stay away. I know that he is angry to me because I left him hanging and did not even let him do something about my problem that affected him. A year has passed and every day I feel lonely. Deep inside me, I regret ending things like that. I want to talk to him but his parents and friends do not want me anymore near him.

Hey, how are you?

I want to ask him that and I want to hear the answer directly from him. There are times when I catch myself staring on our pictures then automatically I will cry. I love him but I also love myself. I just happen to chose myself that time because I really needed to. I miss holding hands with him and doing pranks with him. I contacted his phone one time because I was really desperate but unfortunately he changed numbers. I only hear stories about him now and even though I deny it, I am still interested on how he is doing.

Anna said that he became a batch representative and that the professors love him for being such a good student. He is also seen with a girl now.

Good for you, Nattie.

If ever I will talk to you again, I've got lots to say.

Hey, Natsume, do you know that when our monthsary comes, I write you a letter?

It is pretty desperate but it's the only appropriate way to express my feelings.

I still listen to your favorite band.

There are times that I am really messed up and I yell and drink a lot because I missed you so much but then I will think of your recovering status and how you are better now and how you are growing and me growing as a person, too. Then I will get by. It's not easy. Not a day came that it was easy. But, I'm hanging on.

I just want you to know that I really needed to do that or else I will lose myself.

When a miracle commences and we happen to have the chance to talk, I have a lot to ask you.

But, I don't know where to start.

Certainly, I don't have the chance to be with you again nor have the privilege for having you as my friend.

But I guess that is the payment for what I've done and for what I've got. I hate to conclude it but…

Maybe we are really not meant to be.

E N D

Like my one shot before this, this is a product of spontaneous writing with absolutely no editing.

I was listening to Napa by miwa today and revisited its English translation and got inspired by it. Actually, I got some of the lines up there from the lyrics although I changed it a bit. It's just that the song is so sad and I almost cried while writing this even if I never experienced such relationship or a relationship at all. So, tell me what you think guys. Can you relate to this? Did you cry or felt sad while reading?

Thank you for reading, btw! : ) Advance merry Christmas!