MASS MISCALCULATION

Episode 1- I'm where!?

You know, I never really imagined a coma like this would be just so… boring. Just floating in blackness. Would have been nice to have a lucid dream state with some girls, but ah well… the only thing I really have is my memories. I never really was much. Just some loser guy who hung out with his loser friend. We basically grew up together. And I guess it's not surprising how we got into this life. He killed his first person in the third grade, I tortured my first in the fourth. Hell, after we miraculously passed high school, we basically were roommates in the same crummy apartment. Then we're walking down the streets one day, just minding our own business, when we get caught up in the middle of a damn gang war, and being the sociopaths we were, managed to join the Third Street Saints. Then one thing lead to another, we went from being a lowly street gang in a crummy run-down church into pretty much the best gang in Stillwater. What happened after that… I got no clue. My friend basically after our crazy adventure invites me on this boat while he's talking to this oh-so-special VIP, then the boat explodes. And I've been in a coma ever since. Wonder if he's still in one… ah well, the point is… I'm still floating in darkness… wait, what's that light…?

Aaron awoke from the coma, looking to see he was on a hospital bed in a hospital. He heard A LOT of explosions and shouting going on outside. He groggily got up from the bed and went to the mirror by his bed. He was deathly skinny, 'Probably from being in a coma for god knows how long…' he thought, and saw he still had his pale skin, and still had his sharp yet handsome, he always told himself, young face, complete with the anime-style cyan hair he could never get rid of. 'Ah jeez, how do I still have this? I like the blue, but the spikes, man… they're not my style…' along with his blue eyes. He also saw all he had on was a hospital gown. He looked out the window and didn't believe what he saw. First off, he was NOT in Stillwater anymore. Also, there appeared what looked like military people in white armor with laser guns fighting Mexican wrestlers with regular but heavy guns. "Either I'm still in a coma or I've been asleep for a very long while…" Aaron said to himself as he made his way out into the hospital's corridors. Everyone was running in the hall- patients and staff alike. He shrugged and found his way to the main stairwell, opening the emergency door and climbing up the flight of stairs onto the roof. "Man, this is a tall hospital… and this is a huge city… on fire… whoa, what's that? Well, better hitch a ride!" Aaron yelled as what looked like a weird jet came roaring to him. He shrugged as he jumped off the roof, grabbing onto a wing. "Ugh, I'm gonna be sick…" Aaron moaned as the jet began spinning in an attempt to shake him off as it flew towards a star-shaped island with a giant green statue on it- which was basically a giant man holding a ladle. After what seemed like an eternity of spinning, the jet stabilized as Aaron looked below to see a lone figure fighting an army of soldiers. "Wait, is that… that crazy son of a bitch… well, better not let him hold the spotlight…" Aaron said as he saw his longtime friend fighting the soldiers. He was the same as he remembered him… his favorite friend, a dark-skinned man about the same age as Aaron with the black loafers, purple sweatpants, purple jacket and a black afro with purple sheen… right down to purple eyes protected by purple-tinted sunglasses. 'I'll never know how he went from being bald to having a natural afro with a purple sheen… that stylist ain't human… wonder if she could have fixed my anime hair… probably shouldn't have killed her…' Aaron thought as he saw that the pilot had enough and opened the cockpit, tossing a grenade at him. Aaron let go of the wing and caught the grenade, plummeting towards the ground. "Thanks a lot! Death from above, bitches!" Aaron yelled as he threw the grenade at a clump of soldiers, sending them flying when it exploded. He grabbed two laser rifles that were sent up and planted his feet on the soldier, using his body as a surfboard as he slid towards the only other guy the soldiers were shooting at, Aaron killing soldiers with his own guns. "I have absolutely no idea what's going on… but this is fun!" Aaron yelled as he jumped off the soldier and landed next to the idiot.

Said idiot looked at Aaron in shock. "I don't believe it… Aaron!? I thought you were in a coma!" he yelled.

Aaron shrugged. "Yeah, and last I checked, I was in a different city that was vacant of laser soldiers-"

Aaron was about to say his name, but he cut him off. "Before you say my name, Julius died, so I'm Boss now... lots changed since we got landed in a coma, though it looks like you took alot longer to wake up" he said as they shot soldiers, Aaron handing Boss a laser rifle.

"Julius died!? Okay, start explaining!"

"We ain't got time for this!"

"Oh, we got time!"

"Okay, fine! Julius betrayed me, I killed him, Saints became social icon, Gat died, we got stuck here, arranged for you to get moved here, military people called STAG trying to kill us, crazy lady has Viola, Shaundi, and Burt Reynolds on statue and is gonna blow them up, we gotta save them!"

"Ah… wait, who's Viola, why's Burt Reynolds here, and Gat died!?" Aaron yelled as they went up the stairs towards the base of the statue.

"I said later! Now I gotta deal with these bombs!" Boss yelled as he pulled out a pulsating gun, firing shockwaves of air through the barrel as it propelled bombs planted on the ground into the water.

"Whoa… I want one" Aaron said. He still didn't exactly know what was going on right at the moment, how long exactly was he out that technology became so advanced? None of this made any sense.

"Later damnit" Boss snapped, "C'mon, cover me!" he yelled as he ran around the statue, Aaron covering him as he blasted the bombs off of the island. They came to the feet of the statue when Aaron saw a STAG woman holding some woman he's never seen before. "Damn, she's got Shaundi!" Boss yelled.

"Whoa whoa whoa, hold it, that ain't Shaundi-" Aaron stuttered.

"Later!" Boss yelled, running forward, but the soldier put a gun to Shaundi's head.

"Don't move, Saint!" the soldier spat.

"Damnit, Kia…" Boss groaned.

"Hey, can I see that for a moment?" Aaron asked, taking the sonic boom gun from Boss.

"What are you-?" Boss questioned but was cut off when Aaron charged the gun, aiming it at his feet and jumping, the sonic boom propelling him in the air as he flew towards Kia, kicking her and making her fall to the ground. He calmly walked over and put his foot on her neck, snapping it with a flick of his foot, whistling nonchalantly as he helped Shaundi up. "Okay. I'm pretty sure you're not the Shaundi I know. The Shaundi I know wore brighter clothing, had dreadlocks, and hated pants" she socked him in the gut, making him cringe on the ground.

"You're in a coma for seven years, and that's the first thing you say to me?!" she yelled at him.

He held his middle finger at her as he groaned, "Nice to see you too, Shaundi…" Aaron shakily got up as he saw the Boss leave. "Well, guess we better untie everyone" he went over to a man wearing a hat and started untying him.

"Much obliged, stranger" he commented as he got up. Aaron immediately recognized him. "Okay, I gotta ask… what's Burt Reynolds doing here?" he asked him.

"Why, I'm the mayor of this fine town… and your name is…?"

"I prefer to keep it at Aaron. Hey Shaundi, can you untie the girl with the glasses? I'm gonna go find Boss" she nodded as he descended the stairs, watching as he patted the back of a green-armored soldier, saying, "Aw, I love you too, Cyrus" when Aaron ran up to him as they walked away. "So… exactly what happens now…?" he asked Boss.

"Well, I was thinking we hit our brothel while I explain things"

"…We have a brothel? Since when do the Saints have a brothel?"

"You see that giant purple building?" Boss asked, pointing to one of the three tall, purple building that could be seen across the city.

"Your kidding… how exactly did…?"

"Heheh, I'll explain later. C'mon" he said, parked jet. "Let's just borrow this V-TOL" Boss said, sneaking into the cockpit and starting it up, Aaron taking the seat behind him.

"So exactly when did you learn to fly a jet?" Aaron was very skeptical of this plan. Boss wasn't exactly the best driver...

"Eh, I just press these buttons pretty much and it fly's itself" Boss explained, rising the V-TOL into the air. "Well, this ougta be fun…" Aaron muttered.

After flying over the city… and Boss accidentally firing the laser on the V-TOL, causing a few cars to explode… they arrived on the landing pad of the building, Boss landing the heavily damaged and fire-ridden V-TOL. "I'm pretty sure you're supposed to avoid the building…" Aaron muttered.

"Shut up…" Boss murmured.

"Well, I'm just saying, we're missing a wing, and I'm pretty sure it's gonna… never mind" Aaron finished as the V-TOL exploded as they got in the elevator. They went down a couple of floors and arrived in what looked like a suite… complete with full sofa, bar, flat screen, and stripper poles… with strippers. Which Aaron shot. "Dude, what the hell!?" Boss shouted.

"You know I don't like this kind of thing…" Aaron said.

"You're always saying you like girls…"

"Yeah, girls, not used-up pieces of meet. Plus you know I got horrible luck with girls, that's why I started dating"

"Ugh, whatever…" Boss said as they plopped on the couch, turning the TV as he flipped to Genki's C.E.R.C.

Aaron sighed once he saw the show on TV. "What the… is that you killing mascots? What kind of show is this…?" Aaron asked.

"Heh, one where you can really cut loose" Boss explained.

"I missed a lot, didn't I?"

"Man, yeah ya did…"

"Okay… start from the beginning…" Aaron said as he reclined on the sofa. The boss did. He explained what happened after he got out of his own coma and Julius's execution by his hand, the failed bank robbery and royally pissing off the syndicate, right up to Johnny dying and the Boss giving a detailed explanation to how he beat the syndicate and STAG. "Okay, I get all of that… what I don't understand is why there's damn zombies on Aripice island…"

"Yeah, there was an incident with a plane exploding and me flying a tank…"

"I feel I've heard that from somewhere…"

"Anyway, speaking of which, the virus is gone and the island is sealed off, but I feel that we can catch up by cleaning up the island"

"Huh… and how would you propose we do that?"

"To friendly fire!" Boss shouted, leading Aaron to the elevator and sending it down to the parking garage, where he unveiled to him the wraith car. Aaron seemed unimpressed at the black with neon red/yellow sports car. "Yeah… yellow ain't my color"

"Oh, just get in…" Boss said as they entered the car.

Five minutes later they arrived at friendly fire with the wraith on fire and heavily damaged. "Your driving skills are the same as I remember them, it seems…" Aaron mused.

"Aaron I don't need your smack, just get in the damn store" Boss groaned as they left the car and entered the gun store, the wraith exploding behind them.

"This music hurts my ears…" Aaron said as he covered said appendages due to the music in the gun store while Boss shopped.

"You get used to it… here" Boss said, tossing him a blue chainsaw.

"…Just one?" Boss groaned and tossed him another blue chainsaw, Boss only equipping one purple chainsaw.

"Alright, now that we got some zombie-grade weapons of mass destruction, we need to get you some cloths" Boss said, gesturing to Aaron wearing nothing but the hospital gown.

"Alright… we need a car though. And I'm driving this time. Here's one!" Aaron said, bashing the window of a limo parked next to the building across from them, hot-wiring it as Aaron drove towards the cloths store, Boss giving direction.

"Aren't you hungry at all?" Boss asked along the way.

"Nah, not really" Aaron answered.

"A'ight... we're here anyways- planet saints!" Boss said, gesturing to the saints-style cloths store.

"No way… we have our own line of clothing stores? And energy drinks?" a shocked Aaron asked upon seeing two people outside wearing saints-flow suits.

"Yeah, don't try that stuff, we put stuff in there we're not allowed too" Boss said as they stashed the 'saws in the backseat and walked into the store.

"Ah, here we go. Nice to be back in blue…" Aaron said, using the money lent to him by Boss to by a saint's styled blue pair of tennis shoes, bright blue jeans, a cyan V-neck with a purple saints dues-de-fleur taking up the entire middle and backside, and a pair of blue-lensed sunglasses with purple arms.

"You and blue…" Boss muttered as they got back in the limo, driving to the island and Boss driving them over the raised ramp, landing in the middle of the streets as the zombie's started to gather. They both got out of the car, wielding their chainsaw's.

"Just like old times?" Boss asked as he revved his chainsaw.

"Just like old times" Aaron agreed, revving his chainsaw and laughing maniacally as he ran into the incoming zombie hoard, chopping them apart with his chainsaws. To be honest, the Boss only killed about fifteen zombies in the hour that followed, letting Aaron just let loose on the zombie's, some of his methods at dispatching them making Boss cringe. When he was done, he rejoined the Boss, cackling like a maniac. "Oh man, I haven't had that much fun since we hit that gang hideout with nothing but machetes, am I right?" Aaron asked Boss.

"Yeah, it's good to have you back, man. Look, I gotta get the crew together, this city is Saint's territory now. But while you were cutting I got a text from Kinzie about where the surviving Luchadores are. Care to take care of them…?"

"Aw, and miss your big speech as you flip off America? Sure, why not…"

"Then you'll need these" Boss said, handing him a pair of fully upgraded D4THBLOSSOMS, which Aaron immediately took. "Ooh, shiny, and I get to test out these superb high-rate death machines on Mexican wrestler wannabe's? Where?"

"In the MurderBrawl arena, last stand thing I guess, I dunno… you know the way there?"

"It's a big-ass arena-looking building, how hard could it be?" Aaron asked as he got in the limo and drove off.

"Wait, come back! How am I supposed to get off of this island!? Damnit, Aaron!" Boss shouted, then sighed as he pulled his phone out.

Aaron smirked as he parked in from of the arena, seeing the three chainsaws in the back. He clipped the smg's to his sides and crossed the two blue 'saws on his back, carrying the purple one. He walked into the building, walking the halls until he came upon the upper row of seats overlooking the arena. There were about a hundred Luchadores. "Huh… the guns combined only carry a hundred and twenty… oh, what do we have here…?" Aaron asked upon seeing a heavy-looking version, holding some kind of grenade launcher. Aaron smirked as he snuck up behind him, taking one of the specialist's own knives from his sheath and slitting his throat, getting to work on extracting the explosives from the gun and rigging his body…

"I still can't believe Killbane ditched us in this city!" one of the Luchadores shouted.

"I know! Where lucky we survived those STAG 'puta's! I wouldn't be surprised if the Saints are planning to take us out… wait, Rezno?" another asked as the specialist's body hit the ground in the middle of the group.

"Oh, god… what happened to him… wait, hold up, what are those…?" someone asked upon seeing the explosives strapped to him.

"Man, that felt like that time I had to carry that fat dude to that car junkyard into that compacter thing that turns cars into cubes… anyway, time to make some noise" Aaron muttered as he hung from the lights directly above the Luchadores, having rigged and dragged the body along with him and dropped it in the middle of the group. Aaron held the detonator he rigged to his face. "Death from above, bitches!…Again!" he shouted at them as he hit the button, causing the body to explode, killing at least thirty Luchadores in the blast. He dropped down, throwing his purple chainsaw at a group, impaling three and pinning them to a wall, before taking his smg's out and spinning around in a circle, shooting at the same time. When he was out, he saw that only thirty-one remained. He tossed the spent guns to the ground and revved up the blue 'saws, holding one in each hand. A Luchador ran at him, and Aaron slashed him across the chest with a chainsaw, and went to work slaughtering and cutting the rest. When he was done, only one was left, cowering in the middle of the ring as Aaron walked up to him with a chainsaw, the other impaled in a Luchador. "Please, please don't kill me! Have mercy!" the Luchador begged. Aaron put on a sick smile. "Sorry… all out of mercy"

Aaron whistled nonchalantly as he left the blood and body-ridden arena, having hanged the last Luchador in the middle of the ring on the overhead lights using the chain from the chainsaw, getting into the limo as he drove back to the brothel.

"Jeez, what happened?" Boss asked when he saw a blood-covered Aaron.

"Got a little carried away. Also, I lost your chainsaws. Sorry" Aaron explained. The Boss shrugged and pulled a foot-long silver canister from behind the couch, a handle to either a sword or a whip sticking out of the top. "Look, you know that movie their making about us?" the Saint asked.

"Gangstas in space?"

"Yeah, well look, I gotta go do some casting, and Kinzie managed to find where Killbane's plane was landing… a airport in Mexico"

"Typical irony at it's best…"

"And she also thought it would be ironic if you used fire to kill him. So she made some weird napalm-fuel thing and coated it with a whip fitted with razor's. Just light it on fire and it should burn for about five minutes"

"So why aren't we using this as fuel?"

"'Cause whenever we tried the car blew up. You wanna do it?"

"Eh, might as well finish the job… kinda weird doing this when I first wake up, but oh well! I assume you got me a ride?"

"V-TOL on the helipad waiting for ya, homie. Good luck, he's a tough one" Boss said as he left in the elevator. Aaron ascended the stairs onto the helipad, seeing a purple Saint's V-TOL waiting for him. He climbed in and took off, following the GPS marker on the map in the control panel. After five minutes of flying, he heard ringing coming from the glove box and opened it to find a phone. "Hey, surprise phone! This one better not blow up…" Aaron muttered as he put it on speakerphone. "You better not blow up" Aaron warned the small device.

"Believe me, it won't. I'm Kinzie, the Boss said he wanted me to walk you through this" A feminine but paranoid sounding voice said from the other side.

"Walk me through? Why would I need that? Just land at the airport and use my fire whip to cut up Killbane, how hard can that be?"

"Well, okay mister, 'I know where I'm going', how do you know where to go?"

"Follow the green line on my GPS?"

"Well… which terminal Killbane's plane lands in…"

"The one that has a black and egotistical green paintjob plane?"

"Well… how are you coming back?"

"Well, I'm gonna land this thing, cap 'im, and get back in"

"…Well, you look like you know what you're doing, so I'm just… gonna go. Lighter's in the glove box" Kinzie angrily said, hanging up. Aaron looked in the glove box and picked up a Saint's-style purple lighter.

"Huh, cool. Alright than, next stop, Mexico!"

Killbane was seething with rage as he departed the plane. Not only had he let that insignificant whelp best him in MurderBrawl, he had actually taken his mask. And what had he done? Fled, and let his henchmen tear the city up. Which failed. He would have to start anew in Mexico. "Wait… what's that?" Killbane muttered as he saw a purple V-TOL fly down from the sky, skidding across the runway, sending sparks as it stopped fifty feet away from him. A person he had never seen before exited the cockpit, carrying a canister with him, and stopped ten feet away from him, dropping it and pulling on the handle, withdrawing a twelve-foot long whip… fitted with razors."Ah… so who are you?" Killbane asked.

"I'm the long-lost friend of the Boss… just woke up from a coma. You must be Killbane" Aaron explained.

"Ah, he mentioned you… another moth, much like him, but lost in the darkness, searching for a light…"

"Save the metaphors. I'm here to kill you, much like I did to your boys at the arena"

"So you're the one that killed them…"

"Yep, and I think it's time I wiped the Luchadores off of the face of the Earth… Eddie"

"No-one calls me Eddie!"

"Yeah, yeah, you can bitch about him taking your mask in Hell when I'm done with you" Aaron said, taking out the lighter and flipping the top, lighting the whip on fire. He put the lighter away in his pocket and swung the whip at Killbane… who held his right forearm up, letting the whip wrap around it. "Hah! What will you do now?"

"This!" Aaron shouted, tugging on the whip with one hand, watching as it sliced through his forearm, severing it.

"Agh! What the-!" Killbane shouted as Aaron slashed him across the chest with the whip.

"Yeah, bitch! How do you like that!? Huh!? Wait, huh?" Aaron asked as the whip's flame went out. "…Damnit, Kinzie!" Aaron shouted as Killbane rushed him and hit him in the face with his remaining fist, causing Aaron's body to drag across the ground for twenty-five feet. "Agh… that stung…" Aaron groaned as he picked himself up as Killbane ran towards him. "Aw shit, whaddo I do, whaddo I do, uh… oh!" Aaron said as he sprinted towards the canister with the homemade napalm. He turned a valve to cause the fluid the leak, and poured a little on the ground, then threw it at Killbane, who caught it. Aaron put on a sick smirk, holding the lighter out and flipping the top. "Lights out, Killbane!" Aaron yelled as he lit his lighter and threw it on the napalm trail, igniting it and going to the canister… which caused it to explode with enough force to throw Aaron so far back he only stopped when he hit the V-TOL. Aaron looked to the spot Killbane was standing and saw only a smouldering crater from where he stood. "Huh… well, so much for a grand final speech…" Aaron muttered as he groggily got into the V-TOL and flew off.

"Kinzie, your napalm's shit. You said it would last five minutes!" Aaron yelled at Kinzie over the phone as Steelport came into view.

"What!? It should have!" Kinzie yelled from the other end.

Aaron laughed in a sarcastic manner, saying, "Well, it didn't. it only lasted about one minute"

"Well, at least your still alive"

"…What?"

"That formula was experimental. I pulled it from some military files STAG had, I'm actually pretty surprised you didn't blow up"

"…What!?"

"Oh, quit bitchin', your still alive. The boss wanted to see you, Pierce, and Shaundi at the brothel, and he wanted me to tell you. Out" with that, she cut the line.

"…Crazy bitch…" Aaron muttered as he landed the V-TOL.

When he exited the elevator, a woman he'd never seen before in a blue outfit walked past him and went down the elevator. Before the elevator closed she looked at him with a disproving glare, than passed the same glare onto the other Saints as the doors closed. Shrugging, Aaron found Boss and the others sitting down on a couch, a load of gear in hand. "Yo, what's happening?" he asked.

"Some pretty messed up stuff happened while you were gone" Boss said. "Oh for the love of… I was only gone for a day!"

"Yeah I know, look, you know MI6?"

"Got no clue what that is"

"Secret military organization. I assume you know what that means?"

"We gonna be poppin' military deadbeats threatening to put us in prison?"

"No"

"Okay, so when are we- wait, what?"

"You know Cyrus?"

"The leader of STAG? The old dude in the green armor?"

"Yeah, him, anyway… he kinda got kicked out of America, and somehow got into contact with terrorists… who have a nuclear missile. And I agreed to help them stop him"

"…So let me get this straight… I'm gone for a day… and you agree to help the military?"

"Yeah, I kinda figured you wouldn't be too wild about this…"

"Damn straight I'm not!"

"Look. You get to use military hardware to murder terrorists. And we save America. How can you say 'no' to that?"

"…Fine, give me the damn gear…" Aaron muttered as he opened suitcase, with what seemed like some kind of gray armor with the word "Saints" on the back with the fleur on the chest, complete with a weird helmet with a cyan visor. "…The hell is this?" Aaron asked. "This is what Asha calls the 'zero-saints-thirty' armor. The visor is usually navy blue, but I had yours made a little… bluer"

"I'ma just assume the weird-looking lady that walked out was Asha, but you got me a gray suit?"

"Nah, they mixed up packing. This is yours" Boss said, handing him another suitcase. When Aaron opened it, he saw the same helmet as his, except the visor was navy blue, but the suit underneath was different. The armored patches were painted a cyan blue, the Saints logo and fluer purple, and the rest of it being an onyx black instead of gray.

Aaron laughed as he held the armor up. "Okay, I can roll with this. What's the plan?"

"Kinzie already worked it out. We suit up, fly to the drop zone, pop Cyrus, then if you want go to Stillwater to hit a Freckle-"

"You know I hated that restaurant. Food was horrible… alright, let's go kill some Pakistanians!"

"Arabians"

"Whatever" Aaron said as they grabbed their gear. When they were done, Aaron had on the modified suit, Boss the default suits, and Pierce and Shandi with default suits, minus the helmets, all of them being equipped with silenced smg's. they rode the elevator to the roof to a awaiting helicopter piloted by Kinzie. Now that Aaron got a good look at her, she was pretty paranoid looking with that weird blonde hair style of hers. "Hey guys, why is the helicopter starting, but I don't hear anything?" Aaron asked, but saw no-one looked at him. It took him a minute to process the information, but it hit him like a brick. "Your frickin' kidding me… they can't hear me and I can't hear him… oh well, this helmet is too cool to pass up anyway" Aaron shrugged as they got in the helicopter. He pulled his phone out and started looking up on the web for web comics and you tube videos, plugging the phone into the helmets speakers, and hours later he saw they were in a desert, oil wells below them, and Pierce and Shaundi arguing… not that he heard. Eventually they landed in a clearing where they met up with Asha, and they started walking as the helicopter took off. It was nightfall when they reached a cliff overlooking the terrorists stronghold… and immediately the Boss ran downhill, killing a dozen terrorists while Aaron whistled nonchalantly as he walked down the hill. They jumped into a manhole into a tunnel, and reached a large concrete room with a few terrorists in it… which Boss and Asha quickly killed. Blast doors opened to another storage rooms and more terrorists flooded the room… and the Saints started shooting. After awhile they went into another hallway with explosions happening all around them, one knocking the Boss down while a terrorist rushed Aaron with a knife. Aaron took his own knife and slashed the terrorists hand off, grabbing his knife and plunging both into each side of his head, twisting them and snapping his neck, then pulled his knife out, leaving the other in his head. He looked to see the others look at him with wariness, but the Boss nod approvingly. They continued to another storage area and Aaron shot some red barrels, which exploded and took out most of the terrorists, Boss shooting the rest. He went up the catwalk and found Pierce and Boss positioned on each side of a door, getting ready to breach it. Aaron kicked the door open, and saw Cyrus close a gate behind him and run, Aaron shooting the rest of the terrorists. He walked in and saw a terrorist sitting in a chair away from them with headphones on, listing to music, oblivious to the carnage around him. Aaron ripped the headphones from his head and strangled him with the cord, and saw Asha killing a terrorist that rushed Boss as he ran after Cyrus. Aaron ran to the catwalk and saw as Boss shot Cyrus, sending him into a vat of red chemicals, which turned blue as he fell in. as Cyrus melted, his hand reached from the vat holding a detonator, which he hit, and Aaron felt a rumble from under his feet. And saw the Boss run off. Aaron ran after him and saw as he jumped on the nuclear missile outside as it went up. Shocked, Aaron ripped his helmet off and saw the others approach. "The hell is he thinking!?" Aaron yelled. "Boss is sacrificing himself to save America…" Shaundi said. Pierce had a tear in his eye as he said his goodbye to boss on the radio. "Give me that!" Aaron yelled as he ripped the mic from Pierce's ear, and spoke into the mic, "Boss, you crazy son of a bitch! Speaking of which, I don't care, you make it out of this, and we're hitting that Freckle Bitches!" Aaron yelled into the mic, and saw as the missile blew up. "Aaron, watch out!" Shaundi yelled as a piece of debris from the missile flew down, hitting Aaron square on the forehead, and everything went black as he passed out and slumped on the ground.

Aaron didn't know how long he was floating in the blackness, but he saw the light again eventually, and went towards it. When he woke up, he was on a hospital bed yet again, and saw a familiar face sitting in a chair next to him. "Benjamin King… it's been awhile" Aaron said as he shook the hand of the former Vice-Kings leader's hand.

"Wassup, playa? Doc's said you were showing brain activity and would probably wake up from the coma, so Boss sent me to see you out"

"I was in another coma? For how long?"

"Shit man, like, five years"

"Fuck me!… ugh, I'm getting too old for this. What's next, Boss becomes president?" Ben started twiddling his thumbs and whistling, and Aaron face-palmed. "Your. Fucking. Kidding. Me. How the hell did the Boss become president?"

"I'll let him fill you in on that playa, now come on" Ben said, beckoning him towards the door. Aaron ripped the IV drip tube out of him arm and got up from the bed, and saw he was in the cloths he bought when he woke up from his first coma. "Why am I in these?" Aaron asked as he and Ben walked out of the hall. "Oh, Boss called a favor to the nurses here to put your cloths on when you showed you was wakin' up"

"…So he had complete strangers fondle my body while I was unconscious…?"

"You didn't see how hot they were"

"I'm gonna kill him. Whoa, limo…" Aaron said as they walked outside to see a awaiting limo.

"Course, Playa! You on the president's payroll, we need some premium wheels" Ben said as they entered the car and a man in a suit got in the drivers seat and drove them off to the white house. "So… Boss put me in a hospital in Washington?" Aaron asked Ben. "Well, he figured when you wake up you should be close to the white crib"

"…He renamed the white house the white crib?"

"He did a lot of renovations on the place… we're here" Ben said as the limo pulled up to the white crib… and a awaiting president in a purple suit.

Aaron walked up to him and threw his hands up. He still was not processing this properly, he didn't see how it was possible how Boss was president now... "I'm asleep for five years and you become president?" Aaron asked.

Boss shrugged, smirking and lowering his purple glasses, showing his purple irises. "Eh, well, I got the adoration of America, one thing lead to another, I got elected, what are ya gonna do? Come on, I gotta talk to a bunch of angry people"

"You tried to change the pledge of allegiance to 'under you' didn't you?"

Boss immediately put his glasses up and tugged on the collar of his suit. "What, me? No-o-o… maybe" he said as he, Aaron, and Ben walked into the white house, and started walking through the halls, press everywhere, and soon Pierce joined in, and showed Ben a file he had.

"This is a problem" Ben said.

"It's not a problem" Boss retorted.

"You alienated part of America"

"I alienated crazy people"

"You couldn't resist, could you?" Pierce asked.

"Jesus, not you too" Boss sighed.

"This is a problem"

"I keep trying to explain that, but the president won't listen" Ben explained.

"Poverty is a problem, Apartheld is a problem. This is just a couple o-"

"Here's the latest approval poll"

"We lost twenty points. We can get them back"

"They're AT twenty points"

"I'll admit that's a little lower than anticipated"

"So you agree you have a problem"

"Nope, you do. You're the communications director. Fix this"

"Can you give me hundred percent employment?"

"No"

"Will you get married?"

"Fuck no"

"Then I think we're in trouble"

"King, can you have this naysayer assassinated?"

"Not when you say it publicly"

"You were more fun as a gang leader"

"We have a country to run… 'fun' isn't part of the equation"

"Where's a septic truck when you need one?"

"The hell's going on?" Aaron asked when they're argument was over. He didn't understand a word they said, and was pretty sure he saw a live tiger and a stripper pole as they walked through the white crib.

"Politics" Boss simply stated. "Oh, Aaron, I gotta go to this conference, can you talk to Keith?"

"Keith who?"

"David, the actor" Boss said as he walked off. Aaron didn't know what he meant until the man himself walked up to Aaron. "The hell… what is Keith David doing here…?" he asked.

"President hired me to be his adviser. The president is trusting you on this, so here: We only have enough clout right now for one major bill, not both. So whaddya want me to push forward? Do you want the president to be the president who cured cancer, or should he solve world hunger?" Keith asked, holding two folders up.

Aaron put on a surprised look. "He's trusting me with this? Uh… cure cancer, cure hunger, cancer, hunger, cancer, hunger… give me a minute…" Aaron said, pointing back and forth to each folder, he was there for ten minutes when he heard explosions. He looked to see people running and screaming away from the conference room. "Uh… world hunger!" Aaron shouted as he ran into the room. It was in shambles, the roof was gone, and he saw what looked like… a giant, gear-shaped spaceship, red lights peppering it's surface. He saw the Boss armed with a pistol. "The hell is that!?" Aaron asked.

"White crib's being attacked by aliens, they jacked Shaundi and Kinzie!" Boss yelled.

"I told you this would happen!" Aaron yelled, recalling that one year in high school...

Years ago, high school dorm

Aaron was working on a term paper while Boss was reading a magazine. "So… what are you going to do when aliens attack?" Aaron asked Boss.

"Pfft, like that's ever going to happen"

"Oh really? Well, if it does, then I get to smack you upside the head"

Present, white crib

Boss was rubbing his head when he and Aaron ran into the hall. "Man, I said we should have a gun every five steps. Is that too much to ask?" Boss asked as a secret service agent was launched into a wall and a alien appeared, shooting them with some weird, alien laser gun. Aaron was kinda creeped out by them. They looked like human, sort of, but with completely black eyes and gray, scaly skin, three fingers, and black, bone-like spikes on their heads. Boss quickly popped the alien and they ran into Asha.

"There you are! Thank god your alright!" Asha said, passing a relieved sigh.

"You okay? where's Matt?" Boss asked.

"Matt who?" Aaron asked.

"Oh, Aaron, your awake, good. Matt's upstairs, trying to find out what's happening"

"What is happening?" a concerned Boss questioned.

"All out war by the looks of it" Asha answered as Boss and Aaron ran into the oval office. Boss ran to a bust of Johnny Gat's head and flipped up the top half, pressing a hidden button and making hidden shelves appear… full of guns.

"I'm meeting up with Matt. I'll be in touch via comm" Asha said as she ran off.

"Watch you ass" Boss warned as he loaded up on guns, first grabbing a one of the two rifles that popped up, then went to the rest of the guns. Aaron grabbed the other rifle and looked to see a Japanese-looking sword hung on the wall.

"Whoa… I'm gonna need this!" Aaron said as he snatched the katana, holding it in his right hand and the rifle in his left.

"Okay, let's go!" Boss said as they ran out. Keith ran from the other side of the hall.

"Come on! This way!" he shouted to them. The ceiling exploded as a red beam of light flooded the room, making Keith float up. "What the fuck-" Keith shouted as he flew up, abducted.

"Damnit, they stole Keith David!… wait, this sounds familiar…" Aaron said as a couple of aliens came from where Keith was. Aaron, thinking fast, shot one and stabbed the other through the head. "Come on!" Aaron shouted as they ran through the hall and back into the conference room, then into the opposite hallway to find Keith and Ben.

"Pierce! Be, we gotta bounce!" Boss shouted as the ceiling exploded, the red light once again coming, this time abducting Keith and Ben.

"Shit, Playa! Save yourself!" Ben shouted.

"Fuck that, save me!" Pierce shouted as they flew up.

"Oh shit, that be a lot of aliens…" Aaron said as he looked into the next hallway to see about thirty aliens… which he ran into, shooting fifteen of them, and killing the rest with his sword, chopping heads off and impaling. When he was done, Boss ran ahead of him.

"Hey, nice job, but save some for me! These alien fucks are gonna pay! Snatch my cabinet, I'm gonna rip your motherfucking head off!" he said angrily as they heard another explosion, and ran up some stairs to a room where a young, black-haired Gothic-like British guy Aaron had never seen before floating up, Asha holding his hand and anchoring him.

"Oh no! oh no! oh no!" British shouted.

"Matt, hold onto me!" Asha shouted as she and 'Matt' both started floating up.

"Asha! Matt! GODDAMMIT!" Boss screamed in rage as he pulled a shotgun out and blasted four aliens that flanked them. "You pissed off the wrong POTUS!" he shouted. When he was done, they ran into a room with a hole in it, letting them see the carnage outside. "Holy shit… how many of these guys are there?" Boss asked, then held his sleeve up to his mouth, activating a radio and speaking into it. "Burt to Ernie. Burt to Ernie. Activate south portico defenses" he said as a cannon of some sorts jutted from the ground.

'Jeez, how many secret defenses did he put in?' Aaron though as Boss slid down a railing into the seat of the cannon.

"Let's do this, you badass motherfuckers" Boss said as he aimed the cannon. Aaron jumped on a missile.

"Shoot it! I got a idea!" he said.

"Okay, your funeral!" Boss shouted as he shot the missile, Aaron riding it. He saw a alien ship fly into view, and threw his sword, smashing the window and flying in, kicking what seemed to be an extra-sized and extra-armored alien. Aaron picked up the sword and swung it at his head… the sword breaking. "Well, fuck…" Aaron said, throwing the broken sword away.

The alien chuckled. "Why is it you humans enjoy leaping so much? We haven't been properly introduced… I'm Zinyak" the alien said.

"Aaron, friend of the president, and your killer" Aaron said.

The alien looked shocked and stepped back. "No… you were in a coma, you weren't supposed to wake up… well, I'll make sure you don't" Zinyak said, red energy forming from his hand as Aaron floated up, and was suddenly flying into the walls, eliciting a wet smack every time he did so. "Agh! Fuck! Your so dead! That's smarts!" Aaron shouted as Zinyak punched him and the red energy ceased, sending him onto the floor, unconscious. All Aaron saw was blackness as he fell unconscious.

When Aaron's eyes fluttered open, he saw he was in a house of some sorts… with weird, 50's music playing from nowhere. "Man, my head… wait, what the 'BEEP'. Wait… why was there a beep when I said 'BEEP'. Man, what the 'BEEP'!" he looked down to see he was wearing brown loafers, tan slacks, and a yellow sweater vest. "'BEEP' me to the 'BEEEEEEEEP' to next 'BEEP' week! Man, 'BEEP' this!" Aaron shouted as he saw a window, jumping out of it and sprinting away. "Yeah, that's right, you queer 'BEEP' city- ow!" Aaron shouted as he hit the edge of the city, hitting an invisible wall of some sorts, and began pounding on it. "Man, what the 'BEEP' is this 'BEEP'!?" he shouted, punching the invisible wall. It started cracking, crack forming in the air with red light seeping through it. Red spheres appeared behind him, and aliens started pouring through it as Aaron punched a hole through the wall. "Do not let him escape the simulation!" the voice of Zinyak said over the music. "'BEEP' you, Zinyak!" Aaron shouted, jumping into the glowing hole. He went through what looked like a red tunnel of some sorts before it opened him up, dropping him into a penthouse of some sorts. "Agh… what the… this looks a lot like the penthouse of the crib Boss had that he described to me… the hell!" Aaron shouted as a yellow fist came his way and he rolled to the side, jumping to his feet to see a man-sized saints flow soda can, complete with arms and legs, the cans themselves being purple with yellow shoes and gloves. "The hell… Pierce!" Aaron shouted upon seeing Pierce fighting a couple of the soda cans, and Aaron ran over to help him.

"Damnit, get away from me!" He shouted as he punched a soda guy away.

"Yo, Pierce! The hell you doing fighting soda!?" Aaron shouted as he threw a can out of the window. "Aaron, am I glad to see you"

"Okay, and why is bad marketing fighting us?"

"BAD? Our own IP is attacking us, and your making jokes? These things are trying to KILL ME!"

"Well, maybe they're just trying to replenish your electrolytes, you ever think of that?"

"Okay, let me stop and ask them if they're just trying to serve me a cold, refreshing, drink" Pierce said coldly as he kicked a can into Aaron, which he punched to the ground. Suddenly the ground rumbled as a high-pitched scream filled the air. "Ugh, what was that?" Aaron asked as he slammed a can into the wall. "Oh shit. Come on, we need more guns"

"Hey, you just took the Boss's line!"

"And there's a reason for it. Now MOVE!" Pierce shouted as they ran up the stairs. They entered a room and Aaron saw a crate as another shriek filled the air. "Load up over there" Pierce said. "Whoa whoa whoa, mind explaining that scream?" Aaron asked as he rummaged through the crate. "You don't want to know. But we'll need more guns"

"Man, there just some smg's in here…" Aaron said, abandoning the crate and dropping down the stairs, seeing a workout room and taking a dumbbell, using it as a club against the soda's.

"Fine, there's more by the bar, go!" Pierce shouted. Aaron shrugged, dropping the weight and licking the soda-blood off of him as he casually walked to the bar to find another crate. While he was pulling a shotgun out, he saw a giant, yellow hand reach over the penthouse. "Pierce… giant fucking hand!" Aaron yelled as he started blasting the soda's.

"Oh I know… good, more guns" Pierce said as he threw Aaron a auto rifle. "Man, what the hell's this gonna do against that?"

"Hey, there's always the RPG's out by the pool deck"

"Bitch, you just telling me this now?"

"Cause I didn't them blowin' up the crib, okay!?" Pierce yelled as they ran to the pool deck. Like before, Aaron rummaged through the crate, pulling an RPG out, and saw a giant version of the soda cans appear, about as tall as the statue of Joe Magarac, and with glowing red mouth and eyes. "Look out, here comes Paul!" Pierce yelled.

"A giant fucking killer soda can, and you name him Paul!?" an exasperated Aaron asked.

"Hey man, does it matter? Shoot them rockets at him already!" Pierce shouted as Paul shot red lasers from his eyes, which Aaron and Pierce narrowly avoided.

"Oh really!? Lasers? FUCK YOU PAUL!" Aaron shouted as he aimed and shot the RPG, the rocket hitting him square in the face.

"Haha, how do ya like that, Paul!? Bring his purple ass down!" Pierce yelled. Paul reared back and smacked them, sending them flying. Aaron hit a helicopter shooting Paul, and shot the pilot, pushing his body out and flying over to the building Pierce got smacked onto, to see him shooting the regular soda cans on the roof. "Hm, what does this do?" Aaron asked, pressing a button on the throttle that caused the miniguns to fire, killing the sodas. "Get in!" Aaron shouted as he landed the helicopter next to Pierce, prompting him to get in as he flew towards Paul.

"What the fuck is this shit? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!? Why are you flying towards him!?" Pierce screamed as Paul stood on top of the penthouse.

"Well, I'ma hankerin' for a cold beverage, and there happens to be a giant vending machine trying to kill us. Hold this" Aaron said, gesturing for Pierce to hold the throttle as Aaron picked up a few C4 charges from the back. "I'm coming for ya, Paul!" Aaron shouted as he jumped out of the helicopter, landing on the top of Paul, and setting to work on planting charges on his tab.

"Your crazy, Aaron! But still, kick his aluminum ass!" Pierce encouraged from the helicopter.

"Gladly, 'cause I'm pretty thirsty!" Aaron yelled, grabbing onto the tab as he set the charges off, flipping it back with Aaron holding on as it opened the top of Paul, Paul screeching.

Pierce smiled. "Oh, that's right, pop that top!" he yelled.

"…Yeah, I'm outta soda puns" Aaron said as he ran up to the hole, jumping into Paul. As Aaron was swimming in Paul, he saw what looked like a giant, purple, beating heart at the center, which he shot with his shotgun.

"Man, where is he?" Pierce asked as Pierce as he was dodging Paul's laser eye's, when suddenly, Paul stopped, shrieked loudly, and exploded, purple saints flow spraying everywhere as what was left of his can fell down, and Aaron was sent flying from the propulsion, landing at the base of the statue of Joe, Pierce landed next to him, getting out of the helicopter and laughing madly, patting Aaron's back. "Man, you did it! Hahaha! I'd like to see THAT soda serve the kids now! Now that were not being killed, the hell you wearing?" Pierce asked upon seeing what Aaron had on, with the addition of purple soda staining it.

"Ugh, well… I think we're in some virtual reality, of sorts, and we were all put in one. I think I was put in a 50's sitcom, I dunno, I bounced the second I heard the music, then wound up here" Aaron explained, wiping the soda off of his sweater vest.

"Huh, well that makes sense, I guess… wait, what's that?" Pierce asked upon seeing a blue rectangle, about door-sized, appear before them.

"Looks like a door or gateway… maybe it's a failsafe 'cause we broke the sim?" Aaron asked.

"The hell would I know? That sounds like something Kinzie would know" Aaron walked up to the gateway, touching it, his hand going through, but not coming out the back. "Eh, nothing ventured, nothing gained… Pierce, can you come here for a second?" Aaron asked, Pierce walking over.

"Yeah, what?" he asked.

"Find out what this does" Aaron said, pushing a screaming Pierce inside the gateway. "Well… looks safe, I s'pose…" Aaron said upon not getting a reaction from the gateway, and jumped in.

Aaron awoke on a cold metal ground, naked and covered in some red goo. He sat up and saw he fell out of some pod, and saw he was in the middle of some tunnel, hundreds of other pods surrounding him. "Ugh… I feel I've seen this from somewhere before…" Aaron groaned as he walked forward, spotting a door and walking towards it. It opened when he got near, and saw an alien staring at him from the other side.

"You! What do you think your doing!?" it asked, before pointing it's weapon at him, but was soon shot.

"Yo, Aaron! Up here!" he looked up to see a naked Pierce holding a alien laser rifle on a catwalk as he jumped down to his level.

"Pierce! Thank god you… we don't have cloths" Aaron said suddenly.

"Yeah… we should go, zin are catching up" Pierce said as Aaron picked a laser rifle up and they ran away.

"Seriously? Zin? Named after that Zinyak dude? Talk about egotistical…" Aaron commented as they ran to the edge of a balcony, overlooking what looked like debris from Earth. "No way… those motherfuckers blew up Earth… Earth girls… my track records… the Saints… the web comic I was reading… gone…" Aaron said as zin started flooding from behind them. He turned to look at them, murder in his eyes. "I'm gonna kill you all!" he yelled, throwing the rifle away and running towards them.

Boss was walking to the bridge of the ship, boredom in his eyes. Ever since Kinzie and Keith had stolen the ship and rescued him from the simulation, he had gone to work to free his fellow Saints. So far, all he had rescued were Asha, Matt, Shaundi, and Ben, but when he went to Pierce's simulation… it was broken and empty, as was Aaron's when they eventually found it… which happened to be the same one the Boss was in. he saw Kinzie hard at work with the control's, and went up to her. "Yo, anything turn up?" he asked her.

"Oh, nothing, just that other than Pierce and Aaron breaking out by themselves and fighting for their lives in the same place you were in, nothing much" a look of shock overcame Boss's face. "Oh, okay, everything seems to be normal than... why didn't you tell me about this!?" he yelled at her.

"You were too busy collecting clusters to upgrade your powers, I though you couldn't be bothered to rescue your friends" she explained.

"Find them now, Kinzie!"

"This is for blowing up Earth! Now who will draw Twokinds!? The art was getting good! Fuck you for blowing up Mark and Tom!" Aaron yelled as he ripped the head off of a zin, and tossed the body aside, beating another to death with the head. He reached into the chest of another and pulled out two ribs, using them to kill the other zin. When he was done with his rampage, he saw the bodies of at least a hundred zin, bodies spilling over the edge, and a shocked Pierce. "Uh… you okay, bro?" he asked him. "They killed Twokinds and Markiplier… I'll never forgive them. Ever. I'll hunt them all down, and I'm gonna personally rip those spikes out of Zinyak's head and gouge his eyes out with them. Then I'm gonna rip his legs off and break his arms off with them. Then I'm gonna put his mutilated torso into that damn simulation, reliving his worst nightmare for the rest of his natural life. You hear me, Zinyak!? Your dead!" Aaron shouted, yelling at the top of his lungs, and heard a rumbling behind him, turning around to see a capitol ship of some sorts. It turned around, the backdoor opening as Boss came into view.

"Guys! I can't believe you… oh, man, what happened?" Boss asked upon seeing the zin bodies.

"Aaron didn't take Earth getting blown up so well…" Pierce muttered when he stepped onto the ship. "Now I'll never know if she was really pregnant… or if it was a boy or a girl… or how it ends… I'm gonna kill them all…" Aaron murmured as he stepped onto the ship. Boss shrugged, not knowing what he was talking about as the cargo door closed, and the ship speeding off.

After getting dressed in one of the suit's the ship had, Aaron met the Boss getting ready to enter the simulation in the weird, zin bathroom. "So… we're gonna totally annihilate the zin, right Boss?" Aaron asked him.

"No… Zinyak forced them to do what they did. I'm gonna kill Zinyak and take the empire over"

"Boss… they killed…"

"I don't give a fuck about Nyteblade, I already have Matt crying over it"

"The hell's Nyteblade?"

"Nevermind, look… Gat's alive"

"Heh?"

"We found him in the simulation, and I'm gonna spring him, and you need to familiarize yourself with the simulation and stock up, so when I leave, Matt's gonna help you since Kinzie's helping me"

"You keep mentioning Matt, who the hell is Matt?"

"Miller"

"The Brit dude who tried to kill you?" Aaron asked in surprise. This day kept getting weirder and weirder...

"Look, he changed, just… just cope with him, a'ight?"

"…"

"A'ight, Aaron?" a concerned Boss asked.

"…Fine… any zin I see are still fucking dead, though" Aaron hotly stated as Boss walked out, and Aaron yelled, ripping one of the weird alien toilet's out of the floor and throwing it against the wall. After a few minutes of calming down, he went outside of the bathroom and walked to the room with the computer monitors and sim beds, seeing Boss in one and everyone else looking at him. "Alright, I'm a little on edge… but I'm coolish"

"Well, it's just… you did kill all of those zin with your bare hands…" said a young British guy Aaron presumed to be Matt said, who had a couple of bruises on his face.

"Wha happened to your face?" Aaron asked upon noticing the scars.

"Oh, uh… little disagreement. Anyway, the Boss said I had to explain the simulation to you, so go into the simulation, I'll contact you when you head in" Miller said. Aaron shrugged and stepped onto one of the sim beds, closing his eyes as his consciousness was jettisoned into the simulation.

When Aaron opened his eyes, it looked like he was in Steelport, and he was in front of one of those weird gateways… and still in his sweater vest. "Hello? Can you hear me?" Aaron heard the voice of Matt say over the simulation.

"Yeah, I hear you… weird, it's like your voice is in my head… anyway, where's the nearest cloths store? I need to get out of this thing" the Saint said, pointing to the sweater vest.

"I'll mark the nearest cloths store on your map, and I'm giving you access to the Boss's vehicle cache, just open the hub"

"the wha?"

"Ugh… spread your hands out to open it" Aaron did so, and opened it. "Okay, I see a fuck-ton of options, which one is the vehicle cache?"

"It's in the phone section" Aaron opened it and saw the vehicle cache, and started browsing through the vehicles.

"Hm… uh… er… so many choices… ooh, what's this?" he asked upon clicking what looked like a black tank with red lights, the tank spawning next to him. "Uh, that's a zin tank… it's not really that fast…" Matt said. "I don't care, I need to blow off some steam" Aaron said, hopping into the tank and driving off, shooting whatever he saw. "Ah, yes, the Boss said that you were quite upset that Earth blew up… I myself was devastated that Josh Burke died, now there won't be any new Nyteblade…"

"So sad…"

"And he said that you were a fan of that Twokinds web comic…"

"Your treading on dangerous waters here, Matt…"

"I myself never really liked it, I mean, who can possibly make a worse-"

"Matt, badmouth that comic one more time, I'm ripping your fingers off and throwing them in space when I get out of here"

"…Duly noted…"

"I'd rather not talk about it anymore…" Aaron said as he pulled up to a red clothing store. "Are you serious? Planet Zin? That motherfucker jacked our stores…" he muttered as he walked into the store, emerging with the same cloths he had as the cloths he bought in the real Steelport when he woke up for the first time. "Okay, Matt, I need to get strapped. Gun store?" Aaron asked. "No need. I've been working on a special program for awhile, and have come up with this: the Omni Multipurpose Gun"

"O.M.G?"

"Just hear me out, okay? Basically it has the matrix code for all firearms in the simulation so it can transmute-"

"English, Matt…" Aaron requested, holding a hand to his head.

"It basically turns into any gun in the simulation and into their fully upgraded form"

"So… a Swiss army gun?"

"Yes, if you want to put it so bluntly… here, give it a try" Matt said as what looked like a black cube with a pistol grip appeared into Aaron's left hand. "…This is a damn box, Matt"

"Oh, would you just… it's connected to your mind! Just think of a gun and it turns into it as long as the simulation has it!"

"Okay… a Saints-purple black hole gun" Aaron said as the cube unfolded, twisting around and forming into said gun. "Holy all that's holy… I love the O.M.G! wait… by any chance, do you have a sword?"

"Hah, Boss figured you'd want that… here" Matt said, as a blue laser sword appeared in his hand. "Believe it or not, Asha created this one, and gave it to the Boss as soon as he did some tasks for her"

"Whoa… the Lazor Razor…"

"You mean laser"

"Hell no, Matt… I mean lazor…"

"…Well, the zin have simulations that they formed from ancient Chinese customs they viewed on Earth"

"Go on…"

"Basically, I can run these simulations through your head…"

"Uh-huh…"

"…And they'll basically turn you into a ninja with that sword"

"Hook me up, baby!" Aaron shouted as the programs ran through his head. After five minutes of head pain, he gasped and held his head. "Agh… hey, I know how to use this now… heheheh, Matt, got anything else?"

"You can go to image as designed if you want" Matt offered.

"What that?" Aaron asked.

"It's a cosmetic surgery clinic" Matt explained. Aaron, not thinking any harm could come to changing his appearance, walked towards the said building across from him. He walked in, and paid five hundred of the cache money Matt downloaded into his account, and was shown a menu on how he wanted his face to look. "Uh… you know, I always hated this hair, but I think I'll keep it. But there are two things I wanna change…" Aaron said, before changing his sex appeal from forty-two to a hundred, and making it so he had the body of a sixteen year old instead of a thirty-one year old, and kept the height the same, and walked out of the building as his face was altered. "Ahh! I feel so young! Artificially, at least! Matt, any other li'l presents for moi?"

"Well, I can always download the superpowers into you…"

"Bullshit"

"Nope, the Boss managed to unlock them, and fully upgrade them. I can download them into you and run the training programs through your head"

"Matt, I can already tell we're gonna be best friends" Aaron said as the training simulations ran through his head a second time and the powers downloaded into him, his body briefly glowing a blue aura. "Oh-ho-ho, man I feel BADASS! I gotta try this!" Aaron said, jumping hundreds of feet into the air, his body glowing blue as he glided over the city.

"And one more thing: I added a special bonus to your attire. Press the small blue button on the right arm of your glasses, and it'll turn your cloths into your custom zero-saints-thirty suit and helmet" Matt said.

"Oh, I gotta see this!" Aaron said, pushing said button as his cloths were replaced with the colored armor and the helmet appearing. "Alright, just press the button on the right side of the helmet to- wait, what going on? Why are zin here!? Asha, help me!" Matt said, screaming, until the mic cut out and Aaron landing on a building.

Aaron's eyes widened in panic as he heard the mic cut out. He was slightly more and more panicked by the minute as he tried to raise the former Decker. "Matt? Matt, what the hell's going on!? Matt!" Aaron yelled as a red hole opened up in front of him, the form of Zinyak coming out, slowly clapping.

"Bravo, bravo! I must say, I didn't expect you all to fall for my trap so easily"

"Trap…?" Aaron asked coldly.

"Ah yes, when your sociopath of a friend went to save Gat, I easily found your ship: as we speak, all of you have been captured. I'm personally going to see you die, you being Earth's mightiest warrior, next to Gat. I thought you would never awake from the coma, so I focused on dear old Johnny"

"Your afraid of me"

"That doesn't really matter, as we speak, your body is being digitized, and you'll be stuck in the simulation… it's already happening" Zinyak said as Aaron's feet started disintegrating.

"Agh! Er, we'll see 'bout that!" Aaron said as he used the last of his feet to jump over Zinyak, into the hole.

Aaron's eyes shot open in pain, and he saw he was on a operating table of some sorts, and a laser was firing into him, disintegrating him, pain flooding his very being as he was digitized. "Agh! Why you little-!" Aaron shouted, his hand shooting out and grabbing the laser gun out of a nearby zin as he started shooting random machines.

"Hey, don't let him shoot the Tran dimensional-generator!" A zin said, pointing to a weird, pulsating blue cube. Aaron was almost completely gone, only his arm with the gun and head remaining, the rest of his body blue, digital dust. With the last of his strength, he shot the cube, causing the cube to explode and a blue wormhole of some sorts to open as the rest of Aaron's body turned to digital dust… the vortex sucking it in, then closing.

While the dust was flying through a blue tunnel, the dust formed into Aaron, but his young, simulation version, complete with his gear. "Ugh… man, I feel sick… where am I…!?" Aaron shouted as he flew towards a white light, pressing the button on his glasses to form his armor and helmet as he flew through.

There were four things Aaron noticed when he flew out of the wormhole via a white hole appearing in space, and closing as soon as he flew through. 1- he was in space, but thanks to his helmet, he at least had an oxygen supply. 2- there was a giant, five-armed space station floating in space. 3- spaceships in battle. 4- a giant, cuttlefish-like robot attacking the station. 'Where the hell am I? aw, screw it, questions later, badassery now!' Aaron thought as he landed on one of the arms, a couple hundred feet away from the giant robot. It was a pretty big robot, too… at least two kilometers in length, alone, with multiple, mechanical tentacle-like arms. It seemed to notice him, and emitted a extremely loud 'WHAAAN!' As it screeched at him. 'Hm… wait, I got my simulation gear, I wonder…' Aaron thought, flinging his hand at the robot, a ball of fire coming out and hitting it. 'Alright! Got my powers! Now, then… to kill colossus here and figure out where I am' he thought, activating his cyan lazor razor, and turning the O.M.G into a alien RPG, and sprinting at a super breakneck speed towards the robot. 'Time to see if Matt's ninja training worked!' Aaron thought, super jumping up to the robot and swinging the sword, cutting off one of it's huge legs. He landed on another leg and stomped on it, dislodging it as he telekinetically picked it up, jumping off of the robot and flinging the detached appendage at it, hitting it and flipping it over, the underside revealing many smaller tentacle-arms. He landed at the end of the arms, running to the other side while shooting and slashing the tentacles off and jumped to the other side of him. Aaron sprinted at the robot as it whaned again, firing a large, red laser at him, which was nullified upon hitting the shield the sprint created as he dug the razor into it and once again sprinted to the other side of it, and ripped the sword out. The robot was still for a moment… before a orange line appeared, vertically going through the robot as it was split in half and uttered a last, deafening whan as it died. Aaron deactivated the lazor razor and O.M.G and holstered them, then went to the other side of one of the giant five arms on the station he was on, seeing each arm had an entire city in each. Aaron shrugged, jumping into the city below, and landed in what looked like a restaurant. He deactivated the armor, turning into his cloths, and saw he still had his sixteen year old look. He shrugged and casually walked away, and saw a bunch of officers of some sorts trying to calm citizens, dozens of human-sized, weird, three-fingered and one eyed robot corpses littering the ground. The strange thing is, not all of them were human. Some were weird… bird things, Aaron couldn't really describe them, weird lizard things, and weird blue and purple chicks. "…Ooookaaay… that's not weird and creepy at all…" Aaron muttered as he walked through multiple halls, and eventually came to what looked like a docking bay of some sorts. At least, it was a room full of ships, so Aaron assumed it was a cargo bay. He saw one of the weird lizard things cowering behind a desk, and Aaron walked up to him. "Hey, uh, excuse me… where am I?" Aaron asked the frightened alien.

He raised his head from the desk. "Uh… docking bay C?" the alien said in a high-pitched voice.

"No, I mean, where am I ship wise?"

"Um, the Citadel, where else?"

"…Where exactly… is Earth…?"

"What are you talking about? The Citadel isn't even in the same solar system as Earth!"

"…I'm where!?"

A/N- Ah, I'm back, baby! Back with another super-powered teen showing off his skills in another universe! Some of you may be wondering why I use a blue vortex whenever I send someone to another universe. Well… you'll see. I plan to write this and four more stories before I do something special… -evil hand rub and laugh-. Ahem… anyway, if you didn't play Saints row III and IV, then you will be clueless and think I wrote the story of the first half in five minutes. Because all of that from Burt Reynolds to Earth blowing up did happen in the game… which makes me sorta regret spending 70$ on buying the Fourth… but still a good game! Anyway, I know this is a little shorter then what I usually write, but it'll get longer… maybe. I sorta just improvise as it goes. Anyway, chapter two comin' soon! Cya!