500 letters

by Nadia Blackrose

General : This is just a spontaneous parody I made concerning some rumours I heard about Persona X Detective Naoto, and I wondered how Kanji-kun would react to such a possible scenario.

Warnings : Most grammar mistakes are made on purpose so to imitate Kanji's way of speaking, as well as his pattern of thoughts. Some parts may seem out of character for the sake of fun. This is a crackfic, after all.

And of course, some references/ spoilers concerning the animation, the new epilogue of Persona 4 Golden and the novel Persona x Detective.

Chapter 1

Forever yours

To : Shirogane Naoto ( whatevermail .com)

From : Tatsumi Kanji ( lovecutestaff whatevermail . com)

Topic : About that Sousei...

Dear Naoto

Hi, how 're you? I been missing you like hell. Ever since ya left I've been knitting night and day to have my mind occupied. Things are going as usual. But they're not the same without you. I jus can't stop thinking about the time ya were there, and kinda get depressed. Then I think a part of me is with ya, and that makes my day. Other times, I wish I could just take my mind off you. Depends on the mood, ya know.

Sorry, I would never tell ya anything about that if you were face to face with me. Guess I'm jus a wuss that never told ya how I feel about ya. But ya knew anyway, I'm sure ya did.

It's just a week we last saw you. You also had brought us your new friend, that Sousei guy, your partner...and something's been bugging me ever since.

Yeah, I know we're friends and never told me what to do with my screwed life. But you gotta listen to what I have to say!

I jus' can't accept it like an asshole!

I been waiting and waiting for you, only to see ya with that f**ckng Sousei. You call him your partner, and I don't believe it's just that...

Is it for real? It pisses me off, and I jus can't put up with this madness.

Damn it, you always set your standards too high, and I wasn't good enough for ya. I stopped dying my hair, removed my piercings, even had a laser operation to remove my skull tattoo. I got dressed like another jackass nerd to get closer to your tastes. An' jus as I expected, ya still saw me as a friend. It killed me, but I loved you like hell to give up on ya. And really, I tried to get ya outta my mind, and see ya as a friend. Sorry, that's not gonna happen. I jus can't.

I always feared ya would find someone else to give your heart. Someone like Senpai, remember? Ya were fond of that amazing grey haired dude, and I could fall for him, too, if I ever made up my mind.

I wouldn't bother that much if something happened between you two, so long as ya weren't cheated or anything. I'd swallow my feelings and eat sh*t, jus to know you're happy. And if ya ever got hurt, the guy would be sorry. I swear I'll crush whoever makes ya ever cry, or break your heart. I'm f***ing serious.

But it's sh*t to know I lost against a piece of junk, a m********ing machine! Do you like your partner, Naoto?

That Sousei ya got drives me so mad I wanna beat him to death. Shit, death, it's funny to say that. How could I kill a thing without a soul?

Ok, he's got a brain, like Labrys and Aigis and all those stupid anti-shadow crap produced by that whore's Kirijo group. But see what I said? Produced. Created. It wasn't born as a human being.

Have ya ever thought all this sweet bullshit ya like is programmed? Do you like being with an android, just becos he treats ya the way ya like? I had ya for a smart person, and ya really disappoint me. I can't get what's wrong with ya.

I mean, Naoto, get yourself together, he's no real man! Is it cos ya can ride him and goes you everywhere when he turns into bike? You 're a rich girl an' have no problem to get a bike yourself for that sole purpose. Unless you can't drive, since all women suck at driving. Maybe you've got a point. And it's really economic to have both a man and a vehicle at the same time. You save taxes for the second, and fuel. Not that you need to mind that with all the wealth you've got. Last time I checked, you were not Scrooge.

Do you like him because he seems so strong and resilient?

I've got muscles and reflexes, and I've always lend them to ya. Just like the time ya collapsed, or when I carried ya outta the lab. Sorry, ya can't remember, ya were unconscious that time. Holy crap.

I got flesh and bones, no steel and metal. Can ya touch a piece of iron and feel attracted to it? Isn't it cold? It can't warm your body at nights.

He's masculine and huge, so what? I've got that, too. And maybe more.

I've got a real beating heart, and blood flows through my veins. Veins, ya hear that? No pipes to transfer that sort of liquid this guy must have. And my stamina and my muscles are physically built, I got them with my sweat for working out so hard. I wasn't in a factory to be constructed like this. I made myself who I am.

I got temperature, to touch ya and keep ya warm, and cover your body if ya ever needed someone to sleep next to. And most probably the guy won't have a bed to sleep, but he'll need to be recharged now and then. You will be sleeping all alone. And you can call that a relationship?

I can't even think how's sex with that guy. Can he stimulate you? He might give you a kiss, make ya feel something, turn you on. You can feel, cos you've got a body with neurons and such. You can really get hot over his fake skin. But how are ya going to have sex with him? Cos if ya feel attracted, that's bound to happen one day. Ya can't stay virgin for the rest of your life.

Does he have a p***s? I doubt he has. An android doesn't need to pee or drink. He never gets hungry, either. A machine has not the needs of a man.

Then how are ya going to make your relationship complete and become really happy? Yeah, I know, ya can order him to get that accessory, and even ask for a size that fits your criteria. He might make the perfect lover in bed before or after recharging himself.

But even so, how would ya feel to know that thing inside ya is as good as a dildo? Really, I wish your first time was much better than that.

Fake crap, nothing. Sousei may not even feel you cos he's mechanic and such. Yeah, he may have sensors to calculate you, indicators to see how your react, and adjust his personality to your likes. But he's got no human inside. No vital organs. He can't really feel you- he estimates you. And all your velvet skin goes for nothing. All your juicy body can't be enjoyed by anyone. So much for someone so sensual and attractive like ya, Naoto.

Ya know how ya make me feel, I don't want to tell ya all the hair-raising details or my fantasies about ya. Ya would have slapped me for the millionth time, if not for Mind Charging and Megidolaon-ing me. Oh my...!

And hell no, don't take me for a guy who only cares about your big boobs! I love you as a whole, and not jus' as a hole...

If you were with me, I'd never lose the chance to caress your wonderful hair, and knit beautiful ribbons to decorate your head. I'd never forget to hug you tenderly and treat you like a fine porcelain doll. I need to protect you, and proffer my muscles at your beg and call. And yeah, I know, you're stronger than you look. It's jus the fact you're so small before me, and I see you like a cute teddy bear. Maybe that's why I like you; cos I love cute things. You're the cutiest chick walking the very earth, and I'll be your fan till the end.

So please, do me this favor. Rid of this piece of junk named Sousei, he doesn't deserve ya. Offer him a trash can, he might fall for that, too.

I'm stupid, ya know, and I never have a chance with ya. But I'm also your friend and had to speak my mind about that friend of yours.

Probably, ya 'll get angry at me, and won't speak to me again.

But it ain't have to do with me just because I'm f***ing jealous.

I jus love you, and pray for your happiness... You deserve to live a human life, with a human being.

Now, if you're so curious into weird beings, I can even help you get a relationship with Teddie. You have proved how hollow he is inside, and we know him. At least, he got a shadow and has feelings for sure, and seems rather sexual, so there must be something onto him.

It may hurt me like hell, but I can step aside for your own well being. Seeing you smile, makes me smile, too.

I'm no good with words to say anything more. I bet you're smart enough to get the whole point yourself.

Love you, and wish you all the best.

Forever Yours

Tatsumi Kanji