Ch. 37: Every end is a new beginning

To say that he wasn't apprehensive about the whole procedure would have been a lie, however, as opposed to most of the Exorcists, he had eagerly followed all the preparations and had participated in most of the important meetings, thus knowing with great detail what was going to happen and what the side-effects were expected to be. He had memorised the whole procedure, together with the quantitative composition of the fluid in his IV, containing a variety of painkillers, a mild sedative and a formula meant to reinforce the body.

Consequently, he knew that whatever it was that Bak was doing with Kanda had not been planned. A number of reasons immediately popped into his head, but he chased them away for the moment, focusing on recording the event for as long as he could. The Bookman's apprentice did, that is, because "Lavi" focused on smiling encouragingly at Alma and said a couple of silly words to Kanda, whose guilty expression almost hurt to look at.

Predictably he got awarded with an angry glare for his attempts, since Alma was too worried by whatever was suddenly wrong with Kanda, who was now hooked up to not one but two IVs and a blood pressure monitor. Afterwards, however, everything continued according to the plan: Road put Alma to sleep, so as to make the procedure less painful since, for some reasons even Lavi couldn't grasp, they had decided to start his IV only after the Innocence was removed. His own IV got started, he noticed with a wince, and then Komui said to the golem that they were ready.

Lavi supposed that the supervisor wished he could be with Lenalee and he admired the man for keeping to his duties instead. He supposed that it proved a person could be good at their job while still keeping their human side. With and internal smirk, he noted that to use as an argument, should he ever argue with the Bookman again.

As the Head Nurse reported being ready, Lavi realised that his senses were somewhat dulled by the IV already. Still, he noticed Bak starting Kanda's second IV, which nearly immediately resulted in the frequency decrease of the rhythmical beeps of the blood pressure monitor. Then the Asian man grabbed Kanda's right arm, between the two IVs and put a hand on Kanda's chest and told Komui that they could start. Tykki said that it was going to take a while, because the Innocence was entangled into Alma's nervous system.

It didn't sound good but Lavi had no time to offer any protest, Komui opened his mouth to say something but it was too late. Lavi wasn't sure how he knew it, but somehow he knew, without the slightest doubt, that the Noah had started. Nothing visible happened for a while. Then Alma convulsed and, as though in reply, Lavi felt intense pain shot through him. That it was so strong while he was being given painkillers made him shiver, but it was nothing he couldn't stand.

Through the pain and the medication hazing his perception, it took him a while to realise that Kanda's blood pressure monitor was going crazy and the samurai's back was arched off the bed despite Bak trying to keep him still, head thrown back and lips wide open in a soundless cry of pain. The biggest shock, however, was for Lavi to see tears streaming down Kanda's face.

Alma was also crying, although he was unnaturally still, which scared Lavi just as much as Kanda's extreme reaction did. Then the blood pressure monitor emitted a flat, continuous sound and it was the second last thing Lavi was conscious of. The last thing was that somebody caught him as he fell off the chair. Then darkness took everything.

The next thing Lavi was aware of was a weird feeling of emptiness, bordering on despair, and the white ceiling of the hospital wing. He tried to push the feeling of emptiness into the back of his mind, but for once his mind rebelled and the only thing he managed was to stop it from becoming overwhelming as he realised the reason for it: his Innocence was gone. He didn't even need anybody to tell him that they had succeeded because he felt its lack as though his arm had been cut off along with it.

With a groan, he lifted himself into a sitting position and looked around the room, where every bed was occupied by an Exorcist. Most of them were asleep and Lavi was worried that he would be alone with the loneliness, but then he saw Alma, sitting in the wheelchair next to his bed. The Second smiled at him when their gazes met, but Lavi could see that he was worried.

'Hi,' Alma said quietly, almost shyly. 'I was hoping you would wake up soon,' he added with a blush and asked if Lavi felt like taking a walk. Lavi frowned, his mind trying to process the situation while still waking up.

'What?' he asked finally, deciding to give his mind a break. 'Why can't you-' he started and stopped, noticing how unnaturally still Alma was. A horrifying thought bloomed in his mind as he remembered Tykki saying that the Innocence fused with Alma's nervous system. 'Are you-' he paused again and bit his lip, because he didn't really want to say the words out loud. But Alma smiled, so it couldn't be that bad, could it? Then again, Lavi had read that Alma had smiled throughout just about everything, so maybe it wasn't a good indication.

'I'll be alright, but it wouldn't be fun to be me if I didn't have the healing abilities I do,' Alma admitted. 'I can't move all that well for the moment, but I can't sleep anymore so I've been bugging the nurses to put me on the wheelchair. Like that, when somebody wakes up, we can go to the intensive care unit,' he finished very obviously trying, and failing, to sound careless and happy.

Ah, yes, of course, Lavi thought, remembering that whatever had happened to him when the Innocence was removed, it had happened a thousand times worse to Kanda. Probably he had ended up in the intensive care like he had been supposed to from the start, he reasoned.

'Shouldn't you be there?' he asked out loud but Alma said that he was safe and stable and the doctors were busy enough with the patients of the intensive care unit as it was. 'Can I get out of bed or will I get shouted at by the Head Nurse?' Lavi asked and Alma giggled.

'You'll probably be shouted at, but when has that ever stopped you?' he asked back. Point taken, Lavi thought and got out of bed carefully. His body was tingling, but everything seemed to be fine. 'Lenalee woke up before you, but Komui had been there and said that she was not going anywhere until she got perfectly alright,' Alma added while Lavi grabbed the handles of the wheelchair and pushed it towards the intensive care unit.

'Was she alright?' Lavi asked, thinking about the aching emptiness that he still could not ignore. A Bookman should not feel that much of anything, he thought and did his best to ignore the feeling. He hated to even think how this kind of loneliness must feel for somebody not used to ignore their feelings.

'She seemed sad but relieved,' Alma said hesitantly. 'She really hated her Innocence, you know? She blamed herself for Komui throwing out his life and coming to the hell that was the Black Order. She often said that it was worse before Komui became the supervisor,' Alma trailed of. Lavi knew, because he had read through the archives, but he didn't say anything.

'What about Daisya?' he asked, unsure whether it was genuine worry or just an act. The relief when Alma said that Daisya would be fine as well was not an act for sure, unless it was "Lavi" pretending for the Bookman Junior and that made no sense. He was about to ask about Kanda, but bit his tongue on time. He would find soon enough, he thought, pushing open the door to the intensive care unit.

Bak Chang looked up from some files at them and Lavi would have lied if he said that he was surprised to see him there. His Bookman instinct made him swipe the room with a gaze, recording but not really noticing every single detail, should he need it for later reference. Then he focused on the only conscious occupant of the room and noted the dark circles under Bak's eyes and his general appearance of somebody who was on the verge of their endurance.

'You both should be resting,' the Asian said tonelessly and, before either of them could say that so should he, he was back to his files, scanning through them and then writing something and fiddling with Kanda's IV. Without Alma even needing to ask, Lavi wheeled him closer to his "brother's" bed, noting that Kanda was still hooked up to an IV, a blood pressure monitor and had a breathing mask over his nose and mouth. He looked pale and frail and it was disturbing to see a Second Exorcist reduced to such a state so Lavi looked away, almost immediately regretting it.

Allen was occupying the bed opposite to Kanda, hooked up on a couple of monitors, an IV that had two bags of liquid attached to it and a breathing mask and very obviously missing an arm. The bandages around the stump were pristine white, so at least he wasn't bleeding anymore, Lavi thought, berating himself for his surprise. After all, he should have expected that, since Allen's arm had been the Innocence.

He winced at the thought of Crowley missing his teeth, but when he turned even more he found the bed empty. He froze, unwilling to acknowledge the only possibility.

'I've been told that he didn't survive the actual destruction of the Innocence,' Bak said flatly and Lavi turned to see him looking at him tiredly. 'It seems that the whole process was pretty harsh and messy, as opposed to how neatly that Noah took care of the Heart,' the Asian continued in the same tone. 'All the weapons sealed away had exploded and so did the Parasitic Innocence, unfortunately, while still attached to the hosts.'

Lavi winced and glanced at the last bed, where Sora was lying, also hooked up on an IV and a blood pressure monitor. It seemed pretty minor in comparison to the other two Parasitic Exorcists especially when he took into account that the wings must have come from out of Sora's back. As though reading his mind, Bak told him that Sora had only survived because he could regrow lungs, which made Lavi wince at the mental pictures the words provoked. Allen was just plain lucky and would eventually heal from the nasty burns the explosion of his arm had left on his side.

'What about Yuu then?' Lavi asked, glancing at Kanda. A grimace twisted Bak's face before he said that Kanda should survive. Should survive? That was not what Lavi had expected to hear. 'That's not what I meant,' Lavi pointed out, moving on from the knowledge that something could have killed a Second Exorcist. He was so used to their immortality that the very idea was weird.

'He figured that lying about his synchronisation rate was a good idea,' Bak muttered tiredly. Lavi blinked, connecting the dots in his brain. Kanda's statement back when they were fighting the Crows, his obvious and rude ignoring of the science division's attempts to help the Exorcists through the procedure of removing Innocence: it all made sense.

'Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take a break. Will you stay here or do I need to call a nurse to watch over in case of emergency?' Bak asked with a sigh. He really did look like he needed a break.

'We'll stay here,' Lavi assured him and watched the tired man leave the room, closing the door quietly behind himself, leaving them alone with the unconscious Exorcists. Wondering what they would do, Lavi glanced at Allen and Kanda, before resting his gaze on Alma, who was looking completely focused on his hand. Lavi frowned: was something wrong with his hand? His fingers seemed to twitch.

'It won't move,' he muttered finally, with resignation and then glanced at Lavi with a sad smile that broke Lavi's heart just a tiny bit. 'I can kind of move my fingers now, but that won't do it,' Alma added somewhat helplessly, breaking Lavi's heart just a tiny bit more. He looked at his hand and then at Kanda and so Lavi, who didn't need those looks to know what Alma wanted to do, took a step closer and put Alma's hand over Kanda's. A tearful smile and a whispered "thanks" were his reward, which he didn't really deserve, not having done anything remarkable. He nodded in acknowledgement and he found a chair for himself, looking at Allen's form pensively, watching the other's chest rise and fall.

That was probably the worst day of Lavi's life. Waking up with that empty feeling had been a terrible start especially since the feeling wouldn't go away, no matter what he tried. Seeing Alma so helpless and sad and Kanda so fragile, seeing the mutilated Allen and the empty bed next to him was even more difficult and he wondered how humans coped with feelings every single day of their lives. He was overwhelmed.

They sat there, sometimes in silence, sometimes talking about small things for an undetermined amount of time before the Head Nurse opened the door and paused in shock upon seeing them. Unfortunately, the usual reaction soon followed her shock and Lavi found himself chased away to bed, shouted at for being so reckless as to bring a seriously wounded comrade out of bed as well. Lavi wondered if she didn't notice that Alma was much more miserable when forced into his own bed, with no means to even fight back since he couldn't move, rather than sitting by Kanda's bed. He tried to say something, but it was useless when the Head Nurse was in her overprotective mode and Lavi already wanted out.

By the time that Lavi was discharged from the hospital, Alma could move his arms pretty alright. He was nimble enough to get himself onto the wheelchair and strong enough to push it to the intensive care unit where Kanda had yet to wake up. More often than not, Lavi would join him and they would sit there, chatting softly about the latest news: that the demons had all exploded more or less at the same time as Innocence, that the Vatican was going to disband the Black Order. In the beginning, they would get chased out by the Head Nurse, who said that the patients needed rest. Then she gave up.

Lenalee and Daisya came with them often and sometimes Mei and Kaori arrived as well, hovering close to Sora's bed uncertainly and the intensive care became their gathering place, much to the relief of Sora. He was steadily getting better, but was still bed-bound by the over-worried Head Nurse. They were all there when Allen woke up for the first time for long enough to have the breathing mask taken of and lucid enough to have a conversation.

It was more or less around that time, when Alma started to regain feeling in his legs, that Crowley was buried: the last funeral at the Black Order. The bodies of the generals had been returned to their families, now that there was no threat of them being turned into demons, but Crowley had no family and so Komui took care of the body. Everybody except for Kanda, Alma and Bak participated in the solemn ceremony. It was sad, but Lavi felt a certain hope in the air, he supposed because everybody expected to not see much death in the near future.

When it was done, Lavi pushed Allen's wheelchair back to the intensive care unit, followed by a subdued group of the teenaged Exorcists. When they arrived, they were shocked and relieved to see Kanda finally awake, half sitting and propped against pillows. Next to him Alma was all but beaming at them and, despite seeing that Kanda was far from recovered, Lavi couldn't help but grin back at him.

Two days later, Jerry organised a party to celebrate the end of the war and everybody participated eagerly, presumably tired of grieving and worrying. Lavi knew that Kanda was there only because he was basically too weak to move and had been unceremoniously put into a wheelchair and taken to the dining room, but even his sour looks didn't spoil anybody's mood. The party lasted well into the night and people started shyly talking about the future. Lavi tried to not think how he had seen behaviour like that in war survivors many times, because this really wasn't the same. He wasn't sure how it was different, but he knew it was.

Nobody was in a real hurry to leave quite immediately and it showed. The Exorcists all found excuses to stay a bit longer and then a bit longer still, as though afraid to face the real world beyond their sacred war. It was the Finders, unsurprisingly, that had started the exodus from the imposing building of the headquarters. They filed in their resignations, one after another, leaving in groups, barely looking back, soon followed by many scientists. During that period, "Lavi" went about finishing the logs, recording the aftermath of the war as slow as he could without raising Bookman's suspicions, spending time with his friends in between.

Eventually, the Exorcists also started to pack their things albeit reluctantly, leaving the uniforms behind and awkward in normal clothes as they set out to find what was left of their lives from before. They were all apprehensive, but "Lavi" could see genuine smiles on some of the faces of the ones who counted on meeting their families again. Nobody was quite as happy as Timothy, when he took off to his orphanage and nobody was quite as depressed as Miranda, who sobbed about being useless again until Marie asked whether she wanted to visit Austria with him. "Lavi" smirked at them and turned to look elsewhere when Miranda blushed. Human beings were amazing in how they could push the tragedy away and build a new life on the ruins of the previous one, he thought, wondering when he had stopped thinking of humans as weak and despicable. Some of them at least, he amended to pacify Bookman Junior.

Nobody was surprised when Kaori requested to be terminated, stating that her purpose had been fulfilled and she had no place for herself anymore. Her wish was respected and, after Road had put her to sleep, her core had been removed and sealed away, her body buried next to Crowley. "Lavi" was almost surprised when Mei and Sora didn't follow her lead, but the two said that they wanted to see the world and off they were, barely even saying goodbye. Bookman Junior noted that fact in his log, marking that an eye should be kept on the immortal ones, out of curiosity to see how they would manage.

"Lavi" supposed that he should be surprised when Lenalee said that she was soon going with Daisya to Turkey, to meet his parents, but he wasn't. Komui surely was, but he took it much better than "Lavi" thought he would have, which was convenient, because they were in no shape to handle bloodshed. Himself, the supervisor of the Black Order still had a lot to do, but he promised to go to Turkey afterwards as well and from there the three had no plans. A family constructed of debris, "Lavi" thought and Bookman Junior wrote another log.

One fine evening, when most of the people were gone, Allen told the ones still there that he was going to go with Tykki and Road, once everything in the Order would be fixed, which "Lavi" knew was just an excuse to stay longer in the place he called home, even if that home was getting emptier and emptier with every passing day. Allen promised that he would visit since, until Road's ability didn't fade, it would be really easy for him to move around.

Alma and Kanda took Bak's offer to go back to China, where his family had houses and connections and things to do even without the Black Order. They informed the others of their decision right after Allen's announcement and added nothing about the purpose or reasons, but it was easy to guess, at least for "Lavi". A family built upon tragedy and transgression, he thought, but smiled because maybe, just maybe Alma and Kanda would be able to find their peace.

Going with Bak meant, of course, that they needed to stay with Bak in the headquarters until the man was done with helping Komui and that meant that "Lavi" would leave the first of them four. Tykki promised to visit the Seconds in China and, if Kanda ever changed his mind, teach him a thing or two. His eagerness earned him a glare from Kanda and a disapproving look from Bak, while Alma laughed and said that everybody was welcomed. Bookman Junior scowled internally and "Lavi" kept very quiet to not raise any suspicions.

"Lavi" figured that, with everybody moving their own way, the best way to keep in touch with everybody would be to travel. He managed to convince Bookman and the Bookman's apprentice that he was only a persona and that he would go away as soon as a new appointment was made for them and so the apprentice was allowed to remain with his master. That meant, however, that he had to say goodbye now and for an undetermined amount of time. After all, "Lavi" needed to be convincingly "gone" for a while, so that when he would accidentally meet Allen and the Noah, or Alma and Yuu, or even Daisya and Lenalee nobody would give it a second thought.

He thought the goodbye would be easy, because all of the apprentice's goodbyes had been so far. What he didn't count on, however, was Jerry making a festive dinner for him and the Bookman and that, the following day, everybody would gather by the docking bay to see him one last time.

'You guys,' he whispered, biting his lower lip because Bookmen did not cry. 'You really shouldn't have,' he added weakly. He almost wished they hadn't.

'But of course we would,' Komui pointed out and hugged him, wishing him all the best for the future, whatever it held in store for him. Then Lenalee and Daisya hugged him as well and said that he was always welcomed wherever they would be and "Lavi" needed to blink rapidly, trying to dispel the tears welling up in his eye. The Bookman's apprentice had never been welcomed anywhere before, not after his job was done and most of the time not even before.

'And of course you should stop by when you come to China,' Alma said with a soft smile even as quiet tears were trailing down his face. Bak's smile as he nodded was somewhat watery as well and Lavi felt a treacherous tear fall from his eye.

'What are you crying for, you stupid rabbit,' Kanda grumbled, but even his voice was more sad than angry and "Lavi" laughed, even though more tears fell down his face as he hugged both Alma and Kanda, getting hugged back as well, although rather awkwardly in Kanda's case.

'We'll pop by when you least expect it,' Allen said, wiping his face when "Lavi" turned to him. Road giggled, promising to make it embarrassing. Come whenever you want, "Lavi" thought, while Bookman Junior noted that he would need to watch for those two. They hugged him both and then "Lavi" shook hands with Tykki who wished him better luck with girls. Bookman Junior scoffed internally, while "Lavi" asked, sounding outraged, whether the Noah thought he needed luck. Everybody except for Kanda laughed at that and "Lavi" could swear that the corner of the sour samurai's mouth twitched a bit.

'I guess I'll be seeing you later,' he said, taking a step back and forcing his tone to be light and cheerful. He faltered, however, when Allen's and Alma's eyes filled with fresh tears. They both hugged him again, saying so many things at the same time that even the Bookman's apprentice had problems keeping up. "Lavi" just hugged them back and silently cried, noticing how Kanda looked away from the scene, face twisted in a grimace that most definitely expressed sadness.

'It's time,' the Bookman barked and "Lavi" freed himself grudgingly, turning to go onto the boat and never looking back, because it was too difficult. 'That was unnecessary Junior,' the Bookman scolded him as his apprentice wiped his face dry.

'It was for the show,' "Lavi" lied smoothly. 'Don't mind that. Where are we going next?' he asked. From now on he would have to mourn the loss of his friends on the inside. Anyway, "Lavi" thought, they were not lost, just temporarily away, right? 'Tell me we're getting a holiday after this,' he added.

'Get rid of that annoying persona already,' Bookman growled. Internally, "Lavi" grinned. You wish, he thought, but none of that reflected on Bookman Junior's impassive face.

The End

Pfiu! I almost forgot to kill Crowley! (go, check it – he always dies in my stories) But now that is done and the longest manga fanfiction I've written is done! It sure was fun to write and now I can relax a bit, knowing that there is at least one possible future in which Alma does not die. I hope you liked that version of their future and if you did, please tell me! I love reviews. If you have more critical comments, do tell me as well: as long as we keep it civil I'm glad to hear where I can improve.

That being said, I think I'll take a break from writing…