Epilogue

Almost on the date six months after Amanda walked out of the squad room she walked back in. Seven months after her sister died. It felt like yesterday, it felt like a lifetime ago.
It would be a lie to say she felt ready. She couldn't remember a time she felt this nervous as she walked up to the now threatening stone building that was precinct 16. Fin was by her side though and it was something. He was the strong presence she was in desperate need of as they walked up the stairs. She didn't feel ready and on the inside she battled that negative voice as well as feelings of doubt, shame and estrangement. It would all be overwhelming if not for the rock walking by her side right this minute or the encouragement of doctor Olivet these past months.

Fin had sensed her aversion the days leading up to this date, on the drive over and he sensed it clearly now that they reached the doors. He just carefully nudged her arm. He wasn't going to give her a way out or away but he would be with her every step of the way.

"You're okay," he said and grabbed the door to let her in. He'd chosen the time carefully, he knew a lot of the street cops would be out on the streets by now. They should be able to make it up to their squad room without running into too many people. The squad room, the entire floor, had been briefed she was coming back and to not make much fuss about it. As far as most people knew she'd just been kidnapped by a psycho and held prisoner for days by this mad man. They had no idea what had led up to it, of course they'd noticed her sadness of losing her sister and her gloomy mood but not much else.

They made their way up to their floor with just a few stops along the way, mostly happy faces that wanted to check in briefly and tell her it was nice to see her back but Fin didn't miss the curious looks shot her way. Surely it was mostly just hesitance on how to greet a colleague who'd been held captive and almost died but Fin could understand how Amanda could take it as something else. He knew her head was filled with worries and that those negative thoughts took over ever so often and that they still had a long way to go but they were finally here now.

For many weeks, months even, he'd thought it was impossible. That he would have to get his head around getting a new partner, that she would just not be able to come back. But slowly, with much help of Liv and doctor Olivet, and Nick and Cragen of course, had he seen she small progress.

With Frannie by her side she'd been able to leave the apartment. She was working with her physiotherapist twice a week, doing exercises at home between sessions. She was seeing doctor Olivet every week. Twice a week actually, he wasn't sure who had suggested it but most likely Olivet, if she was a good doctor it probably didn't take her long to figure out Amanda would be a handful to figure out. Even though Amanda didn't speak much of the sessions, he could tell they affected her and she would often be deep in thought the rest of the night after a session. Those were often the nights she did a lot of crying too, sometimes refusing his comfort but sometimes letting him just sit by her side until she was ready to be held.

Amanda tried to block out the negative voice in her head, doctor Olivet had given her tools to do so. She wasn't sure just how Olivet had figured out Simon's voice was in her head but she had somehow and still she didn't find Amanda crazy. That in itself made Amanda like doctor Olivet. Not that she would admit it though. She liked Olivet but it didn't mean she trusted her completely. It was a scary thing exposing yourself and Amanda knew she had to be careful. Just because Olivet didn't find her crazy yet it didn't mean she couldn't change her mind. Crazy was after all in her family, Amanda feared she had crazy inside her too. Surely a sane person wouldn't have done what she did?

But everyone kept telling her about survival instinct, defense mechanisms and giving her a lot of compelling evidence that perhaps she wasn't all that crazy after all. Perhaps there was mitigating circumstances in her behavior? And the fact she felt the backup, that she had people behind her that at least tried to tell her they understood why she'd acted the way she did, made her feel a whole lot better.

She still had a battle in front of her though. A battle to get back to some normalcy. And right now Simon's voice was the most urgent battle to fight. Olivet had told her to say no, to say no out loud. And when she couldn't say it out loud, because of the situation she was in or if she just felt silly doing it she could paint the letters in her head. She would paint it colorful and bright, the way her sister used to scribble as a kid. Whirling letters with dots and other bling to them. The trick was to stop those thoughts before they got to loud.

In a situation like this though it was hard to imagine the word without losing too much concentration so she needed to use strategy number two. She couldn't scratch her wrist. Amanda did know she'd done that since she'd always been aware afterwards of the ill colored red marks. And of course Olivet had picked up on it early on. She now had a rubber band around her wrist and she could snap it, just slightly though, if the stop didn't work. Right now she just went straight for the rubber band. Fin was clued in on this and he did his best to help out as soon he saw her go for her wrist. He cut in and told whoever they were talking to that they had places to be and people to see, no time to lounge around but it was nice of you to check in and we'll see you around a little later, and he got her further into the building.

Hearing that familiar ding as the elevator reached their floor made her feel both excited to be back but also terrified because maybe she couldn't do this? Maybe Cragen wouldn't even let her come back? She hadn't seen him in a long time but according to Fin he wanted nothing but to have her back on his squad. She still had doubts though, she'd done so many stupid and illegal things that she wasn't even sure she belonged here any longer.

Even though 1PP, IAB and all the rest of the hot shots only had the glorified story of how she caught a serial killer and meanwhile put a stop to some very shady businesses surely someone, somewhere suspected something. And even if not her squad knew the whole dirty truth and what they thought of her was most important to her.

She wasn't sure if they could take her seriously after everything. They had old told her they forgave her but would they trust her as their partner? Not that she could be out in the field just yet though. She still hadn't tried firing a gun. And then she wasn't sure how she could handle working in the field as sounds and people still frighten her. Gordon was out there somewhere.

At least that's what she thought. That's what they all thought, well not that Gordon was coming after her but that he might be on the run from the mafia and alive out there somewhere. Gordon wasn't alive though. In a couple of months, once spring had come and the ice was completely gone from the Delaware River, a scuba diver would make a remarkable and frightening find at the bottom just outside one of Philly's docks.

Gordon had always worked for the Russian mafia even though he knew very well they killed his father. It was a love/hate collaboration, they might have made him fatherless but they provided valuable connections and if there was something Gordon had learnt from his father it was that money always beat family.

The Russian mafia agreed so when Gordon strayed from his mafia family, cheated them out of money by keeping part of his business out of the books they weren't happy. Justin Oche sold Gordon out and lured him out of hiding so the mafia could get their hands on him. He was beat into a bloody pulp but still didn't tell them where he'd hid the money. So he ended up with his genitals severed at the bottom of the Delaware River, chained to a stone block. Retributive justice?

In the spring when Amanda was given this news she felt some sense of relief at first. She wouldn't have to fear him popping back up, he wouldn't come after her and he would never be able to hurt another girl again. She thought the news would only do her good but instead she regressed again. The nightmares got worse. Now Gordon's face turned in to some zombie version of him. She would hear her name, no Shay's name, over her shoulder and as she looked back she saw her mom's boyfriend, then Scott, then zombie Gordon, Damien, Simon and then that white mask with blue eyes piercing through it. And every time she woke up screaming. That was if Fin hadn't been able to catch her before that white mask got her.

It would be only one of many setbacks she would have to battle over the years. But for now she was still walking into the squad room for the first time in months. And this time dressed as herself and not imitating a stripper or shouting provoking words as she was taken down to holding.

Liv spotted her immediately, she'd been waiting for them to arrive all morning. She was quickly on her feet and greeted her in the door with a big hug.

"It's so good to see you here," she whispered as she let her go and gently rubbed her back. The wounds were healed by now but the scars would always be there. Unfortunately scars weren't as easily fixed as a broken bathroom mirror. Fin helped her put lotion on her back to keep the scars smooth. Her feet had healed completely. She still, most often, wore a thin layer of gas around her hands since she hated seeing those scars. The gas and constant tingling reminded her every day that they were there but she still preferred not to see them. And she mostly wore long sleeved tops these days anyway so she could hide them rather easily.

Nick gave her a quick hug too but then when some other detectives wanted to squeeze her too Fin stepped in and told them, gently but to the point, to give the girl some room and they went on to greet her with words instead which Amanda appreciated since she already felt crowded enough. Since no one really dared to ask her how she was doing not wanting to drag up anything from the abduction it got a bit awkward at first but then someone mentioned Munch and all awkwardness flew out the window.

Amanda had missed his retirement party. The plan was to go but then she'd backed out at the last minute not feeling able to be around that many people at once and Fin had ended up going on his own once Amanda persuaded him she would be okay on her own. She had Frannie by her side. Munch had however taken her out to dinner one night soon after the party and she'd gotten briefed about his highlights of the night. And then they had coffee just the other week so she'd actually been the last one to see him.

Cragen had been on the phone in his office when she walked in but gotten aware something happen outside as he spotted a crowd forming over by the gate. Walking out he heard the crowd laugh at something someone said and he saw his blonde detective smile. He thought he could tell though that the smile seemed a bit forced. He could understand this situation felt a bit awkward to her. The crowd slowly started to realize his presence and soon a path had formed from him over to Amanda and the murmur quiet down quickly.

He held Amanda's eyes for a bit. She looked a bit horror-stricken and he smiled at her to make her relax a bit.

"Welcome back detective Rollins," he said and watched her bite down on her lip.
"Captain," she whispered still with her lip between her teeth and tried to straighten up her back. Her hand went to her wrist and snapped the rubber band a few times until she caught Fin looking at her.

"You want to join me in my office?" Cragen asked and Amanda nodded nervously. She still wasn't sure he would let her come back to the squad. They'd talked a few times over the last weeks and he'd said her shield was still intact but she still doubted he wanted her with his unit. She wouldn't blame him if it felt awkward or even impossible to have her on the squad after everything she'd done.

She felt Fin's hand brush slightly against her back and she shot him a quick glance. It felt good having him there and she knew he was on her side. She knew it deep down even if doubts got the best of her at times and she hated how she treated him during those episodes. She didn't want to lash out at him, use those harsh words or her fists but she just couldn't help herself. And how he just took it made her furious and then she scolded him for letting her treat him like that, it was an ongoing battle and the rest of the time she tried to make him really aware how much she appreciated him.

She would have to walk into their captain's office on her own though but there was nothing conniving or evil on their captain's face as he waited for her. There was nothing but kindness in the soft hand he placed on her elbow as he let her pass and walk ahead of him into his office. It felt familiar yet somehow strange to walk in there.

"Please have a seat," he said quickly as he closed the door behind them. Suddenly it felt very much like visiting the principal's office and just as when she was a kid she quickly slid down in the chair trying to make herself as small as possible. She realized she wasn't ten any more though and she sat up a bit. She still hated to get reminded of her back and she did every time it touched something. She scooted out a bit on the chair to lose the contact.

Cragen walked up in front of her and sat down by leaning on his desk. He watched her intensely but had a soft smile on his face the whole time. She could see him talking but she had a bit of a hard time focusing. Something about it was nice seeing her back and then something about IAB and 1PP. Nothing bad though. They'd dropped the talk about a medal, her captain had let them know she wanted to move away from the ordeal and they actually understood. The Mayhem Choker being caught had circled the media for a couple of weeks but then got lost in-between random shootings and another high powered politician's sex scandal. Media didn't know Amanda was the root of the beginning of the politician's downfall. He was on Gordon's list and was only the first one on a long list that would get busted the following months. Being on the list wasn't a crime in itself but of course Gordon's sex parties wasn't the only shady activities these men, and women, were up to. This particular politician was caught sexting with underage girls and then busted meeting up with one of them to go even further.

Amanda tried to see the good in it, that she'd done some good for society but it was hard most of the time and especially sitting in this chair in her captain's office just waiting for him to say she couldn't stay with this squad after everything that had gone down. What would she do then? Could she function somewhere else?

Cragen could tell she was nervous and that he didn't have her full attention. He uncrossed his arms in front of him and moved to have a seat in the chair next to her instead to get to her level. Her eyes followed him there and then she turned just slightly to be able to meet his eyes better. She knew she had to focus now, she couldn't sit there and let her mind wander when her captain was talking to her. She snapped the rubber band through her sleeve.

Cragen took a deep breath and tried to relax, he'd also been feeling a bit anxious about today. He gave her a smile and he got a weak one back.

"Are you ready to come back Amanda?" he asked. She was caught a little off guard and swallowed hard before she nodded. Cragen didn't look convinced though and she wished she'd handled the question differently.

"I'm willing to take you back but you'll have to prove to me I can trust you," Cragen said seriously. Amanda hurried up to nod this time but was still unable to speak even though she wanted so badly to tell him she wouldn't let him down.

"I can't have you running off like that again," Cragen wasn't sure he was reaching her. She still seemed so closed off, unlike the Amanda he had in his squad room before her sister died. It worried him that he might never see her again. There was a slight shimmer in her eyes though and Cragen actually hoped it was tears and not just the light playing tricks. She shook her head suddenly.

"It won't happen again sir," she said quietly. He could tell something more was hanging in the air so he remained quiet.
"It was…" she seemed unsure how to continue, "when Kim died," her voice broke and she had to collect herself to not burst into tears.
"It was always the two of us. We only had each other, growing up, and without her…" He could tell this was very hard for her and he gave her the time she needed to get this out.

"I lost my only family," she managed to finish and quickly wiped away a tear that escaped her eye.
"No Amanda," Cragen cut in. She watched him with scared eyes, fearing she'd blown it. Why did she have to open her dumb trap?
"You have a family right here," Cragen said seriously.

"Out there," he gestured outside the window at the three detectives that all tried to do their best to not stare straight into their captain's office right now, "and right here." He put his hand on his own chest and Amanda had to really focus on it since she knew looking him in the eye right now would surely make her tears flow freely.
"Trust us. Let us know we can trust you. We want you in our family Amanda. Let us be your family."

She literally felt like her heart would tear apart. In a good way though. And for the first time in many months she felt some shimmer of hope. He could see she was close to tears and he didn't want to tip her over right here and now knowing she would have to face the others on her way out.

"How's your hands?" he asked to change the subject. Amanda cleared her throat a little, thankful he changed subjects even though this new subject wasn't that much easier to talk about. Her hands had been interlocked in her lap but now she raised them just a little. It was only her fingers that peeked out from her long sleeves.

"My right is okay, the left is hanging back a little," she told him honestly. Cragen nodded.
"I can't put a gun back in your hands before we get that sorted but we'll make sure you have every resource available to get back to your Annie Oakley form," Cragen reassured and Amanda smiled a little at the nickname.

"I can put this back in your hands though," he said getting something out of his pocket. She knew what it was before she saw it but it felt better than she could've ever imagined to actually hold on to it again. She swiped her fingers over her badge and took a deep breath. She felt the burden though. She hadn't really lived up to the oath, she'd broken the law so many times. She wasn't sure how she could redeem herself. Cragen stole her attention though.

"But Amanda," Cragen said and waited until she looked at him, "you need to stay in counseling."

Amanda nodded, she knew this was a demand and actually she didn't mind.

"And I want to know how you're doing with that. Most preferably I want you to tell me so I don't have to turn directly to doctor Olivet," Cragen made sure she listen to him, "Every other week to start with I want you in this chair of mine," he gestured to the chair she was sitting in, "and just give me a quick briefing on how counseling are working. And how you are doing. When we both feel ready for it we'll talk once every month and take it from there. Sounds fair?" Amanda nodded. She felt a bit shameful for having brought this on herself, like having to report to her principal but a part of her also liked it she had to admit. She had nothing but respect for this man and she was just so very grateful he'd not given up on her.

They kept talking for a little while. Cragen gave her time to collect herself before she headed back out into the squad room. Once she did though she could feel all three sets of eyes on her. For all they knew she could have been fired. God knew their captain had the right to. She walked past all of them and over to her desk. With her back to them she swiped her hand over her desk. It had been a while since she sat there. It felt like a lifetime.

There were flowers in a vase on her desk and they were beautiful. She didn't know much about flowers but she spotted azaleas in the bouquet. She remembered the shrubs full of these back home as she wandered the woods. If she recalled right they only blossomed in the spring to early summer. Maybe she would see one of those shrubs again after all? Maybe she and Liv would see some going up the Stone Mountain?

She snapped out of her thoughts and turned around to face her colleagues. They had all noticed her brief absence from the present and they all felt a bit anxious not knowing what was going on.

"I'm back if you'll have me," she said as loud as she dared to so her voice wouldn't crack. Cragen had told her she had to prove herself to him and to the squad. This was where she would start.

"I'm sorry I didn't turn to you when I needed help. That I didn't trust you like I should have done," it had always been so hard for her to apologize. To admit fault. Her mom had always made her grovel and she hated how humiliating it had been.

"It's okay boo," Fin smiled. She'd already figured he'd be fine. He'd already given her grief. She looked over at Nick and Liv.

"Welcome back," Liv smiled.

"Good to have you back," Nick said right there after. Amanda bit her lip a little as she felt emotions threatening to boil over.

"I'll prove to you all that I can be trusted, and I'll work on my… own trust issues," she managed to say somehow. Olivia couldn't keep in her seat any longer and came over to her. She could tell Amanda tried to keep her posture and that she shied away a little when she approached but Olivia still wrapped her arms around her. She held her tight for a long second and then let her go.

"And we'll help you," Liv whispered before she'd let go off her completely. Amanda blinked a few times, trying to hold in the tears that were threatening behind her eyelids.

"Okay, okay, enough with the love fest, we have tons of paper work to do, help out a little will you," Fin interrupted seeing his partner might be in need of a bit of rescue. Liv chuckled and walked back to her desk. Fin handed Amanda a file but held on to it as she tried to take it from her.

"Get to work," he smiled before he let it go. They both had a seat and Fin couldn't hide his happiness to finally have his partner sitting across from him again. Both Nick and Liv caught the wide smile and gave each other a look before they turned their attention back down on the job at hand to give their squad partners some privacy. Fin kept peeking at his partner as she opened up the file. She caught him looking a little later as she was turning on her computer. He just kept smiling and she gave him an eye roll as she tried to contain her own smile. It did feel good to be back and things had gone smoother than expected even though she still felt a bit tense and probably would for a while. She searched around on her desk for a pen but couldn't find one and went to look in her drawers. She couldn't believe there was no pen around and she got to the last drawer.

From her own desk Liv could see her freeze and it hit Liv just what she'd left in that drawer a few months earlier. Amanda just starred at the shoebox for a while, or more so at the photo that laid on top of it. At first she felt as her heart stopped but then she could feel it pumping again and it hurt just a little bit. She reached in to grab the photo and slowly brought it up with her to the desk. She knew exactly when it had been taken. Alfred's pecan grove above Tribble Mill Park and the fork in New Hope Road, wasn't that like the best street name ever? She'd always thought so as a kid. They'd driven out right after lunch that sunny day. It was the last couple of days of summer break, the pecans would be harvest in just a few weeks and they would be back then.

Her grandmother was behind the camera and it was the only reason she stood still in front of the lens. Her grandma had asked her to stand still, her beloved grandma. She was 9 and her little sister 7. Kim held her arms around her big sister like so often and smiled so brightly. Amanda's smile was less bright but still there. Kim wore a summer dress that their grandma had bought her. Amanda had gotten one too but refused to wear it this day. Her grandma had begged but Amanda had insisted even though she rarely disobeyed her grandma. It wasn't because she didn't like the dress, no she loved that dress, one of the nicest pieces she'd ever owned. It was just that if she took her shirt off, and her pants, grandma would see the bruises and it would give her that sad look in her eyes.

It had been a nice day. They had pancakes for lunch with grandma's homemade apple sauce. It was always a bit chunky and Kim complain but Amanda would never. She'd take it chunky or not, if it was made by her grandma she'd eat it. Right after that photo was snapped their grandma sent them off to chase any squirrels away that they might find amongst the trees. Grandma knew Alfred from when she was just a kid herself. He was a kind man and Amanda loved his pecan grove.

"Keep those darn squirrels away from Alfred's nuts," grandma shouted and it made Amanda laugh so hard running up that green aisle. Kim didn't get it. What was so funny about squirrels picking Alfred's nuts she'd asked and Amanda laughed even harder. Kim had repeated her question and Amanda had been close to peeing in her pants. Kim had gotten angry at her sister for not letting her into the joke but Amanda's laughter had been contagious and soon both were down in the grass laughing.

"You're nuts," Kim had said in-between laughing attacks.
"Well of course," Amanda answered, "we're the Rollins sister right? We have to be nuts." Kim had jumped on top of her and smiled.
"Yes we're the Rollins sisters and we'll always be. I mean not nuts but sisters right?"
"Of course silly," Amanda said and got herself and her sister back up on their feet.
"You ain't gonna get rid of me," Amanda said as she grabbed her sister's hand to go look for those squirrels.

Liv had been watching Amanda, worrying the photo would be too much, too soon, and she'd cursed herself for leaving it there. But then she caught the smile on Amanda's face and could tell the photo brought good memories to mind. Liv wasn't sure where Amanda was in her grieving process, talking to Amanda about her sister were still a raw subject so Liv usually didn't get far when she tried. She would keep trying though, and be there for Amanda.

Liv couldn't believe Amanda's mom hadn't made inquiries or checked up on her daughter. According to Cragen she'd never made any contact with him, and as far as he knew not with Sam either. Fin hadn't heard anything from her either and according to him Amanda never talked about her wither then when she popped up in rare glimpse she gave him of her childhood. Even though Liv didn't grow up with the most loving mother herself, her mother had still checked in every now and then and done her best to at least try and show affection. Liv knew all to well that even if you tried to keep yourself strong and independent, you could just never replace the love from a mother, or the lack of love from your mother.

Liv kept her eyes on Amanda as he kept studying the photo and she saw the shift, when the smile turned to sadness and Liv fought an urge to walk over. Amanda suddenly looked up and she caught Liv looking.
"You okay?" Liv mouthed not wanting anyone else to hear. Amanda swallowed hard and nodded with a slight smile. Liv could see tears threatening to escape though but knew she had to give Amanda time and she turned back down to the work on her desk to give Amanda space.

Amanda swiped her fingers over the photo as she turned her attention back to it. She thought about getting a frame for it. Maybe she'd put it on her desk. No it was probably better to keep at home as just the thought of her sister was still too emotional for her. But she didn't really have a home either.

She shot Fin a look across their desks. He'd gone back to work, doing his paperwork with that crease between his eyes. She did have a home she realized, he'd offered her his and she was very grateful. He'd done nothing but make her feel at home at his place. Christmas was only a month away and he was making plans for them. He'd tried to get her involved and she'd done her best, not having the heart to tell him how much she hated Christmas. Any holiday really. Holidays gave adults a legit reason to drink but in Amanda's household that meant drink until you pass out or throw up over what little ornaments that were put out. It meant dad stealing your grandma's Christmas gifts, pawning them and not returning until the new year. But she could feel him winning her over, for the first time in many, many years she could feel just a slice of that Christmas cheer she'd heard so much about and that she had a tiny recollection of from very early childhood. It was a feeling that resembled hope and it was a very nice feeling she had to admit.

Yes she would ask him if she could keep that photo at his place for the time being. She would ask him later once their shift was over. As they drove home. Together. And she would suggest she could make the dessert for their Christmas dinner. She would make him grandma Faith's famous pecan pie. She knew he would love that pie. It had a whole lot of nuts in it.

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin." - Mother Teresa

I'd like to thank: DetectiveObsessed, Bensidy4ever, Jules, Emily, Cailin, Megzz, Kara, Erica, Claire, , BastilleMarloesx, Sarah, Smackalicious, Ellie, DatNat, C, Callie, Violet xx, Melanie, Alex, Elizabeth, Caroline, Motherofmytwo, 13, Linda, indecisive97, emyJ, TrekkieMutantXGirl, Emy, HeartSkull & all the Anon-guest reviewers. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to review & staying with me on this crazy – and long – road that is this fanfic. It's been a delight to read your reviews and I take them with me wherever I go.

So this fic is complete but I think we all know something like this doesn't just go away and Amanda, and her squad, still has a long way to go, so that's why I love that you'll let me write a sequel. I tried to not leave you hanging though, I think you could just leave it here but with the time jump in the sequel I'll be able to deal with some other issues that might come up along the road when you try to survive and carry on after an ordeal like this. Feel free to write in the review or pm me if you have requests/tips/questions/whatever, they will only be appreciated.

The dynamics in the squad room will have changed in the sequel and there will be some familiar faces (still) around. I've started a bit already, working title is 'Soldier' to keep with the theme & it fits with the IAB case I have in mind, but it might change. I want to write a head a bit though so I can give you a chapter every week so it will not be posted just yet. And I've heard you and think the majority like the long chapters so I'll stick to that but will try not to make them ridiculously long (50,000 words a chapter is kinda crazy I will admit).

Before I post the sequel though I have some smut I need to get out of my system, all this darkness needs to be leveled out, but believe it or not it's a Rollaro smut story (pls fellow Finanda shippers don't hate me 2 much, Finanda will forever be my ship but this/that story needs a Catholic choir boy & a sassy Southern girl for it to work) But I've already written a lot on that one and it won't be a long fic, and probably not a fic for anyone, as you know I'm rather graphic and well writing a love scene, let's just say even I blush reading what I write.

But that's a whole other story (literally) - THANK YOU for sticking with me on My Own Army. It's been a pleasure. I just can't thank you enough. I feel honored that you 'read me' and it's so rewarding to me to read your reviews, and writing is just so healing for me and I'm so happy I found it, and dared to post something after years of dabbling.
All the best to you & all my love - believe me there are some love in there in my dark, twisted soul ;)