Worthless, the Second Story, Fall (continued): by Phoenix Pinion

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, simply the story idea. Please do not sue

WARNING – This story contains vivid scenes of self-injury. It can be triggering to those who injure themselves. SI is extremely dangerous and not to be taken lightly. If SI disturbs you, offends you, or if reading about it is triggering to you, then by all means, DON'T READ.

I saw him. I saw him doing it, and that made me do it too. Seeing him dig that dagger deep into his skin and whimper, just a little, at the pain and adrenaline rush, made me want to do it too. Seeing him carve his arm like a turkey made me look at my own scars and remember in full force the reasons why I had once done it as well. Seeing the blood staining himself and the floor made me shiver, made the feelings of sweat and dizziness of blood loss return to me. In seeing him do it, I couldn't help but do it myself too.

After all, it wasn't my fault. It was his. He was the one who chose to read my diary. He was the one who picked it up and opened the cover and read my confused, anguished rantings. It wasn't my fault I forgot it on the beach. No, it was his fault for reading it. I didn't leave it there on purpose, and I didn't mean for him to read it either.

Sure you didn't. Why'd you leave it there then, huh? Was it really an accident, or a cry for help?

…Oh God, who am I kidding? I was the one who left it on the beach. That's an invitation in itself. Why am I such a pathetic, horrible bastard, making up excuses and shifting the blame for my own actions? It's not Sora's fault that he was subject to my unbearably tortured thoughts. He's the one who's had to deal with the guilt and knowledge that I do something so terrible to my own body. He's the one who received the knowledge and purported joy of self-injury from my journal and my scarred arms. It's all my fault. Why can't I just fucking accept it?

You already did accept it. Look at those nasty little scars you made just a few hours ago. That's acceptance if I ever saw it.

No! No…I did it because he did it. Because he reminded me I can. Not because it's my fault, or because I had anything to do with it. Not because…I was the one who first instilled that thought into his mind…I was the one who first gave him the idea…

Oh God…it's my fault my fault my fault my fault…

I was the one who tainted Sora. I took away his innocence and his love of life. How long has he been doing it? That may have been the first time. But he could have started early, like me…he could have started the day I first rejected him and embraced the darkness. What if he decided to cut himself because I shunned his friendship? What if he did it because I never talked to him about my self-injurious behavior? What have I done…?

Don't give yourself so much credit, you little brat. He never admired or looked up to you anyway. Sure, you gave him the idea. But it's not like he cuts himself to honor you.

But…he wrote me a letter. He told me I didn't have to do it, that there was other ways of letting out my depression and anger and frustration and guilt and sadness. He told me not to do it. And I believed him, god damnit! I believed it when he said that there were people who loved me. I only wanted to cut and scratch and hurt and maim and bleed after I stopped believing. Because by then I saw his other friends that he chose instead of me. I saw he had moved on and because I couldn't find Kairi, I believed Maleficent…

I believed it when she whispered in my ear that all of my friends had chosen to abandon me. Because he did…didn't he? It wasn't my fault that we lost track of each other after the world door was opened. We lost track of each other not because I let the darkness consume me and he didn't, but because he wanted to abandon me. Right?

Whatever happened then doesn't change the fact that Sora is now just as bad as you. Just as depressed, anguished and hurting. And now he's hurting on the inside as well as out. Doesn't that just tear you up inside, knowing that you caused your former best friend all this pain and suffering?

It aches so fucking bad…It's my fault, my fault and I can't do anything about it. Oh God, all I see is that tortured expression on his face…that trembling he had in his bleeding arm and hand holding that shaking dagger…I was the one who put the idea into his head. He might have even figured out how to do it from my journal. What could be so wrong with his life…? Why could he feel so bad as to want to punish himself?

…Is it…me?

I've fucked up his life so much…All I've ever done is make him worry about me, or make him sad, or shunned him when he needed me, or even physically beat him once in a while back on Destiny Islands. It doesn't matter that we were just jesting with wooden swords. Somewhere, deep in the back of my mind, I wanted to hurt him…I relished those tears he shed once, the helpless embarrassed tears that came after I hit him a little too hard on the head and made him tumble off of the cliff and onto the beach below us. I'm such a sick person. All I've done is ruined his life. First leaving that journal on the beach…giving him a reason to pity me. Giving him one more thing to worry about. Then shunning him and denying his friendship. After all, he did it to me first. And now…seeing him ruining his own life after I've come so close to simply doing it for him.

All I've ever done is hurt him. God, what a fucked-up bastard I am. I can't even have a friendship with someone; all I want to do is make them suffer. Well, I've succeeded.

You certainly have. What a sick fuck.

I hate myself. I hate myself for all that I've done to him. I couldn't even help him when I saw the blood. When my horrified eyes saw the scene in that room, all I could do was run. I ran like a coward and let him continue to cut. I turned a blind eye to his injuries…fuck, I don't even know if he's still alive. I doubt he'd want to kill himself, but he might have accidentally cut too deep…

And all I did was watch him ruin his life, then run away when I could have helped him.

God, I hate myself…why am I alive? Why do I exist? Is it only to create misery in others? Am I here solely to have a terrible life and force that mindset onto other people as well?

Seems like it. Because, of course, that seems to be all that you've done in the course of your shitty life.

No! I can't think that way…I don't want to think that way. I want to think that I've been able to do some good in this world. But without an example to back it up, then I guess…

But what about my mom? Did I ever do good in her life? I must have…right? And Sora's mom…she always loved it when I spent the night there or stayed over for dinner. Was I ever able to help Wakka, or Tidus, or Selphie? I must have helped someone…

Get off your high horse, kid. Do you really think they enjoyed the company? Liked having you around? They pitied you, you worthless fool. They only let you hang around so they could make themselves feel better.

But…if that's true, then the only thing I can do is ruin people's lives….it's all I'm good for…

He's finally getting it!

I'm worthless…I'm so fucking worthless! God, I want to die. I don't want to remain in this world if I'm only a stain on those around me…I want a razor so I can cut away every last bit of doubt, cruelty, darkness, and every other bit that remains!

You should. Find something sharp. Do it, I dare you.

Wait…I…I don't want to kill myself yet. I don't want to feel this way anymore… I want to feel like I have a purpose in life. Like I can actually do something worthwhile. I have to prove myself, show myself that I can really be someone, not just a bastard with a heart of darkness and scars inside and out.

…I have to do something I'm good at…

Remember Sora…

Sora…of course! What is his most prized possession? What is the one thing that would make him lose what little hope he has left if I took it from him? I already have Kairi, so she's out of the equation. His friends seem important; I wonder if they've figured out his dirty little secret yet…and of course that keyblade of his is practically his life. It's the only thing that makes him more powerful than me. He holds the ace when he has it…

I have to separate him from that keyblade. Once I do that, Sora's life will be worth nothing. His friends will follow me, as they only follow the keyblade master. It's the only way I can redeem myself. The only way to give this pathetic life some meaning…the only way…

It's the only way.

"It's the only way…" No one was in the room to hear these quiet words mumbled by the boy curled into a ball on the floor, the boy with blood dripping from his head and scars all over his arms. No one heard him but himself and his twisted mind. After uttering those fateful, decisive words, Riku's eyes closed and he fell into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

To Be Continued…?

Author's Notes: This chapter, besides the very last paragraph, is entirely Riku's thoughts while Maleficent is unsuccessfully attempting to interrogate him. It takes place at the exact same time as the last chapter. The italicized portion are his self-doubts, you might say…that little voice in the back of everyone's head. Riku's self-doubt is a little more nasty than most, however. (And if you notice, his self-doubt overtakes and conquers him in the end…hmmm.) In my opinion, Riku wanted to take Sora's keyblade more for himself than for Maleficent. He wanted to prove to himself that he's better than Sora and that he deserves to live. But that, of course, is just my opinion.

By the way, this chapter is completely different from anything else I've ever written before. It was somewhat of a challenge to write, too. It's much more difficult than one would imagine to write about someone's thoughts after going through such a traumatic experience and still have it make sense. At least, I hope this makes sense. And poor Riku. At this point, I think he's gone completely crazy. I hope you guys like it…it doesn't seem to be something I normally write. If you do or if you don't, I'd still enjoy getting a review about it. After all, I'm majoring in English/creative writing at a university next year, and I'd like some feedback on this kind of thing, if you guys would be so kind! I'd be eternally grateful if you do.

P.S. I, um, kind of have no idea what to write for this story anymore. I realized this could sort of be a stopping point for Riku's story, but I think I want to write a bit about the ending of the game and Riku's thoughts on that. Let me know if you want me to do that, or if you'd rather I'd just stop. Thanks again, guys. You're amazing! PP