Some sources say that Ian and Barbara explained their years-long absence by claiming they'd been off doing missionary work. I don't know what missionary work is like in England, but I grew up in the Bible Belt. I know people who've gone on mission trips. The whole thing involves a lot of planning, including doing stuff like letting people know where you'll be, sending postcards and newsletters to all your friends and family, and asking for donations in lieu of flowers at your wedding.

So here's my attempt to figure out how well that explanation went over.

The first thing they did, after having a bite to eat, was to go let their families know they'd returned.

It was a blur of knocking on doors, shocked silence, and tearful hugs. They'd certainly been missed, and their families were overjoyed to have them back. And then the questions came.

Where were you? Why did you leave? Where have you been? Have you any idea how worried we were? But where did you go? Why didn't you tell us? Where were you...

But perhaps the most important question was what happened to Susan. It was that question that had Ian and Barbara sitting in an office at the police station, while a red-faced inspector thumbed through various files at them. If that question wasn't answered soon, somebody was going to be in serious trouble.

"For the last time, explain yourselves!" said the officer, "People don't just vanish into thin air! Where have the two of you been for the past two years and what happened to Susan Foreman?"

"We've told you, we don't know!" cried Barbara.

"A colleague of yours has informed us that on the night of the incident, the two of you were planning to follow this student home because of concerns about her welfare. Is this true?"

"Well...yes, but-"

"And that same night, the three of you disappeared. On further investigation, we found that there was no residence at the address."

"So did we."

"Did you find Susan?" he pressed.

"Yes. No! I mean, we found..." How could they explain this?

"Out with it! And might I remind you that this girl is still missing, and you two are the prime suspects? What did you find?"

"We found..."

"Oh, Jesus..." muttered Ian.

"...we found Jesus," Barbara finished. She didn't know why she had said it, but it did manage to trip up the inspector.

"...what?"

"What?!" hissed Ian.

"Yes. We found...Jesus. And we wanted to do some good in the world...so we decided to become missionaries," she said lamely.

"You did?"

"We did?"

"Yes." Barbara kicked Ian under the table.

"Oh, yes! Yes, that's right."

The inspector wasn't convinced. "Pardon me, but how the hell do you go from following students home to being bloody missionaries?!"

"Oh, it's simple," said Barbara. "...you tell him."

"Me? Why...oh, fine. Well...we found Susan in the junkyard...and then we met her grandfather...and, ah...he brought us to Christ."

"I thought he was a doctor?"

"His doctorate's in theology," Barbara added.

"Yes. And we started talking and he told us about Jesus..."

The inspector arched a brow. "Did he now?"

"Oh, haven't you heard?" Ian said, not completely seriously. "He died for our sins, you know. And rose again on the third day-"

"Yes, yes, I know about Jesus!"

"Did you know he has a wonderful plan for your life, sir?"

"Shut up! Just tell me what happened."

"...and then he went to Heaven-"

"SHH!" Barbara had to elbow him to keep him from laughing. "Well, we were deeply moved. His sermon was very...moving...and we accepted Christ into our hearts and were born again. And then-"

"We decided right then and there to go to Africa and share the good news!"

"What, that night?"

Ian shrugged. "Well, it was the weekend."

Huffing, the inspector shuffled some more papers before asking, "What about the girl and her grandfather?"

"We went with them. It was sort of inevitable."

"More like being abducted..." Ian started. Barbara gave him another Look. "Um, being abducted by the Holy Spirit, that is."

"And he took us all to Africa where we helped our first tribe and then he and Susan went on to other places, but we decided to stay and...that's what happened." She hoped the inspector would be satisfied with that.

"...the school seems to believe that the two of you ran away for some sort of indecent affair."

"I beg your pardon!" exclaimed Barbara. "We love Christ too much to degrade ourselves with such sin!"

"And you expect me to believe that you love Jesus so much that you decided, in the middle of the school year, to spontaneously move to Africa with nothing but the clothes on your backs? Without making any plans or finishing the term or even informing anyone at all of this decision? And for two and a half years you couldn't find time to send so much as a letter to let your families know where you were? And all because of a brief conversation with a total stranger in a junkyard?"

"...the word of Christ is a powerful thing, sir," said Ian.

"Oh, for-!"

"Have you found Jesus yet, sir?" Barbara asked.

"...what?"

"Have your accepted Jesus into your heart?"

"Now, don't start-"

Suddenly remembering a conversation he'd had in Branson, Missouri, Ian leaned forward and looked the inspector right in the eye. "Do you consider yourself a good man, sir?"

"See here! I'm not the one on trial!"

"Oh, yes you are! We all are. All of us. Now you may think yourself good enough, but what about all the little things?" Even more red-faced, the inspector opened his mouth to say something, but Ian cut him off. "Have you ever lied? Cheated? Wanted to hit someone in anger? Looked on a woman with lust in your heart? You deal with criminals every day, inspector, but have you ever really considered that there's not much difference between us and them?"

There was a pause as the inspector stopped to consider this. Barbara spoke up. "We all sin. We all fall short of being truly good, moral people. But it doesn't matter. Do you know why? It's because of Jesus. Jesus loves us all as we are. He loves us so much that he died for us. And he didn't have to do that, you know. He didn't have to let himself be crucified."

"Oh, yes. And it wasn't pleasant at all. Those Romans were cruel..."

"He suffered for you so you could go to Heaven and have eternal life! And he was God's only son, too! Would you ever let your son be crucified for the sake of humanity?"

"Do you realise how much love it takes to do that? A lot! And all he asks in return is a little faith Do you have that faith, sir? Do you?"

The inspector rubbed his chin. "Well..."

They walked the first few blocks home in silence. "I can't believe that worked," said Barbara. Indeed, it had. It had worked so well that the rest of the force had been moved and their interrogation had ended with a prayer and a brief rendition of "Jerusalem".

"Neither can I," said Ian. "...Missionaries? Really?!"

"Did you have a better idea? Besides, we couldn't have told them the truth. They'd have us committed!"

"I know, but now the whole force is expecting us to host their bible study every Sunday."

"We'll figure that out later. Right now..." She paused as a tall man in a blue greatcoat ran up to them. "Can we help you?"

"Ian Chesterton and Barbara Wright?" he asked, trying to catch his breath.

"...Yes. Who are you?"

"Captain Jack Harkness. I'm with Torchwood, Cardiff. We're aware of your connection to the Doctor and I'm here to help. Now, before you talk to the police, I need to debrief you. We've come up with a cover story for your disappearance: you've been in a witness relocation program. Don't worry, we've got people who will vouch for you and help deflect any awkward questions. Just read this file to get the details and remember to keep the story straight."

They stared at him, mouths agape.

"You haven't talked to the police yet, have you?"