—Caput XLII—

Luca

"Cicero supported, perhaps even as a sponsor, a decree to give Caesar pay for his four new legions and the right to appoint ten legates instead of the normal three, which greatly enhanced Caesar's patronage. In a letter of June to Atticus, Cicero announces his intention to turn from relying upon the nobiles to linking instead to the three dynasts [Caesar, Pompey and Crassus] for backing. Shortly there after Cicero delivered his speech De provinciis consularibus, in which he successfully argued against the proposal of Caesar's political adversaries to cut short his command by assigning one or the other of the two Gauls to a future consul of 55." (1)

— I imagined you would want to talk to Aemilius alone, that is why I didn't bring him to Magnus' house —Marcus explained that night, at Julius' side in bed. After taking care of their prisoner, Julius had asked him to stay, something that made him immensely happy.

— I insist, now you know me better than most and I can't have that —Julius turned and lazily kissed him—. This is the second time you rescue one of my women, what do you want as a reward?

— I do want something, but it is not what you are thinking —Marcus said, feeling his kisses on his neck. He felt goosebumps when Julius smiled against his skin—. But first, I want to ask you something.

— Tell me.

— Don't you want to know about Secundus? —Julius raised on his elbow, watching Marcus with the help of an oil-lamp, his deliciously disheveled orange-blond hair over his eyes.

— Pompey told me about him, that he accused you of trying to rape him —said Julius.

— I see —Marcus cleared his throat—. Is there something more you want to know?

— Mark, I was very clear with you the other night. I don't care about your past or with whom you used to sleep, I care about you now, so if you want to tell me something more, I will gladly listen, but if you don't want to talk about him… I respect that —Julius' answer left him speechless. It wasn't as if Julius didn't care about him, on the contrary, he cared so much that was willing to remain not knowing anything if that was what Marcus wanted, what made him feel better.

— I want to tell you —Marcus understood that, was grateful for his feeling, but wanted to speak to him with the truth—. I don't like to have secrets between us and this secret already caused you problems.

— I appreciate it.

— I don't know where to begin —Marcus puffed his cheeks out.

— What about how did the two of you meet? —said Julius.

— Fair enough. It was when I arrived at Galatia, we had orders to join with the legions of Lucullus, and Secundus had served under his orders for three years when we arrived. He was a legionary, and always remained one, never had a commanding position, and he always said he didn't want one, that he was happy just following orders and letting others do the thinking.

— What a mediocre —said Julius, brushing his hair back—. Why did you like him?

— He was, and I supposed he still is, I don't know, very handsome —Marcus' answer made Julius raised his one eyebrow, the judging one—. It is impossible not to notice him, he has this wonderful black hair and pale gray eyes, and the most delicious ass you…

— And you crazily feel in love with a man, that almost ruin you, because he is handsome? —oh, Julius was judging him, all right.

— You don't have to say it like that —Marcus complained.

— Oh, really? I dare you to deny it.

— It was true at the beginning, but later, we became friends and he made me laugh a lot —said Marcus, trying to defend himself—. I like his personality, always so cheerful and joking.

— So, you wanted a clown —Julius pointed out.

— Are you telling the story? —Marcus complained.

— Fine —Julius sat down with his legs crossed and saw Marcus, face up, arms crossed under his head—. Please, do continue.

— As I was saying, he caught my eye because he is extremely good looking, but later we became friends, and Gods knew I needed someone to cheer me up. Secundus is very funny, and we spent a lot of time together, even if Flavius warned me I shouldn't, even more after the men started to think I favored Secundus.

— And did you?

— No!... Well, maybe just a little, but that was all! Just a little, sometimes I exempted him of latrine duties, he got double ration of food, or wine, but that was all! —somehow Julius didn't believe him. He knew Marcus was a very fair and righteous man, his men respected him for this, but he also knew he had a soft spot for handsome men—. Just small things, and just once I may have told him about where to find better spoils.

— And the men noticed?

— Some did. They never liked Secundus, I supposed that was also my fault.

— And, what did Secundus use to do when you gave him extra rations of food or wine? Was he angry?

Marcus laughed without noise.

— Of course not! Nobody complains for extra rations.

— And what about when you treated him in a special way? Did he complain?

— No, he was happy, and it made me happy to see him happy —Julius took a moment to think carefully about this, imagining Secundus and how the situation between the two of them would look, what would Secundus think.

— Mark, when you told Secundus about your feelings, what did he say?

— He was furious, indignant, he felt I had tricked him, betrayed his trust —Marcus answered embarrassed. If Sulla was Julius' worst memory, this conversation with Secundus was Marcus'—. He insulted me.

— That doesn't have any sense —Julius said with such professional objectivity that took Marcus aback.

— What are you talking about?

— Pompey said Secundus' contubernalis saw him in an excellent mood when he came back after talking to you, but you said he was furious. Also, it is very unlikely that Secundus didn't know about your feeling before you spoke to him, you were quite obvious —Julius explained, leaving him speechless.

— No, I was not —Marcus protested, taking also a seat on the bed.

— I have seen you, you cannot hide your feelings, they are always there in your face, in your eyes, yelling all your secrets —said Julius—. It is very unlikely that a person so close to you, like Secundus, wouldn't notice your interest in him, specially with all the gifts you gave him and the way you favored him.

Marcus saw him unable to understand.

— What are you saying? That he always knew?

— I will tell you exactly what I think. I think Secundus used you since day one.

— No! I would have noticed. I have had other lovers who tried to use me and I always put a stop to them, I am not so easily to manipulate —Marcus was getting angry.

— These other lovers you had, were Roman citizens? —Julius asked, confusing him.

— What does that matter?

— Please, indulge me.

— No. They weren't —Julius nodded, before asking again:

— When you met Secundus, did he approach you first?

— What is this? Am I on trial?

— Just answer the question, citizen —said Julius in a perfect imitation of Cicero, making Marcus laugh. He took a moment to remember.

— Yes.

— Was he the sociable and funny type who try to make the newcomer feel welcome, did he offer to show you around, to tell you about Lucullus and the campaign?

— Yes.

— Did he always appear exactly when you needed him? Asked if he could help?

— Y-yes —Marcus felt cold sweat running down his spine.

— Mark, he used you, he knew you liked him and used you to get a special treatment —said Julius softening his voice—. I have seen men like Secundus and I know how they behave.

— But… —Marcus felt dizzy, confused— But if that is true, why was he so angry when I confessed my feeling?

— Because he didn't want to sleep with you —Julius explained—. He had 2 options when you said you felt something for him: to become your lover or to reject you. I have a hunch of why he was so nasty with you, but I am not sure of what I am going to tell you, all right? It's just a guess. I think Secundus was envious of you and even hated you, that is why he wanted to hurt you, ridiculing your feelings and insulting you, and was looking to destroy your reputation, telling everybody about your confession, and when he saw that it wasn't working, then he accused you of rape.

Marcus didn't know what to say. He had never thought this, with such cold logic, and now seeing how their relationship had ended, and how much Secundus had hurt him without any apparent reason, he believed what Julius was telling him might as well be the truth. And Marcus cried, he cried as he hadn't done in a long time, breaking Julius' cold and hard heart of stone. He took Marcus' shoulder and his lover embraced him with force, crying harder on his chest.

Julius let him be, he didn't understand how was that Marcus hadn't noticed before, but understood he felt betrayed, sad and angry. This Secundus was turning out to be a very ruthless character, to use his commanding officer like this, acting all friendly and charming while hating him, and later accusing him of attempting to rape him—. If he was able to fake his feeling so well, he must be an unscrupulous man, and at the side of Ahenobarbus could become in a nasty enemy—. But what bother Julius the most, what made him furious, was to hear Marcus crying for a man like him —I have never hated my enemies, except for Sulla, but I think I hate this Secundus.

— I'm sorry for that —Marcus said when he managed to calm down, roughly cleaning his tears, ashamed to have let Julius see him like this.

— I don't mind —Julius said softly, in a tender voice he used only with his daughter.

Marcus took a deep breath.

— Magnus was right, I am a fool and I should have let him punish Secundus. I can't believe I almost kill myself because of him.

Julius rested his forehead against Marcus'.

— You told me you were going to be my sword, remember? That you would help me to achieved my goals —Julius whispered with his husky voice, capturing his complete attention—. Well, I promise you now, that I will protect you Mark, even if I don't know how to fight as well as you, I have other means to do it.

Marcus said nothing and Julius let him arranged his thought while brushing his red-hair with his long fingers, a loving caress so out of place in him but that it felt right in that moment.

— What do you want to ask me? —Julius wanted to know but Marcus didn't know what was he talking about—. As a reward, you said you wanted something, what is it? —he tried to cheer him up and it worked, a small smile adorned Marcus' lips.

— You'd probably refused.

— Try me, although I'll warn you, I will not, under no circumstances, give you a blow job —Marcus laughed so hard, that his voice resounded in the bed room.

— I wasn't thinking about sex.

— That is new. What then?

— I want you to meet a friend of mine, a really good one —Marcus said, and judging by Julius' expression he wasn't expecting that.

— What friend?

— Titus Flavius Petro.

— You told him about us? —Julius asked dead serious.

— The same you did with Camillus, yes. He won't tell a thing, not even to Magnus, so don't worry —Marcus assured him. Julius delayed his eyes on him before finally nodding.

— Well, at least he looks trustworthy.

— He is —said Marcus—. So, what do you say about meeting him?

— I already met Flavius —Julius answered childishly.

— You know what I mean.

— Where?

— In a tavern we found our first day here.

— You know I can't let people see me having fun with you and your friend, I am the Pro-consul and for better or worse everybody knows me. And my enemies are working extra hours to see me fall, any mistake and before you know it, the entire Republic will know about us —said Julius.

— I know, and I have been thinking a lot about this —said Marcus—. You can disguise yourself, and this tavern isn't in any respectable place, people won't know you there. Besides, we can go during the night.

Julius wasn't convinced but he had to admit that he owned Marcus, not only for rescuing Julila and Julie, but also because he had suffered Camillus' interrogation and later his sister's never ending questions—. Not to mention that my daughter was investigating him because she thought he was a spy and it was thanks to Julie that Mark had to remember Secundus.

— I am going to regret this, but fine. I agree to meet your friend —an immensely happy Marcus kissed him full in the mouth, falling with him again on the bed.

— I love you.

— Whatever —Julius complained, but returned his kisses.

Oo0oO

Next day, Julius arrived earlier to Pompey's house, before Cicero. Julie looked better, but was still crestfallen knowing she had made her father angry.

— Please, don't be hard on her —Julila asked him—. Julie knows what she did was wrong, and is very upset. Besides, Caeus Pompeius already talked to her.

— I can imagine. Pompey's scolding must have been something like a stern look follow by several kisses on her hands, assuring her that nothing matters as long as she is fine —Julila opened her mouth. That was exactly what had happened.

— Gaius, please listen to me and don't get angry, I know that at the end you always do as you think is best, but I truly believe you… —she turned to look no-one was near— You should tell Julie about Marcus Aelius, if not the truth then something plausible, because she insists there is something fishy about him.

He didn't say it but also thought Julila was right, after all, the reason Julie had looked for information elsewhere was because they hid from her several things.

— I'll think of something —Julila smiled.

But even if Julius looked for a chance to talk to his daughter, the Destiny conspired against him when Cicero also arrived earlier.

— Caesar, your Commentaries are a piece of art —said Cicero politely, in the tablinum with Pompey, Crassus and Julius—. They are "like naked forms, upright and beautiful, pared of all ornamentation as if they had removed a robe." (2)

— You are too kind, Marcus Tullius —Julius answered—. But I heard you haven't been idle, your defense against Marcus Caelius Rufus was marvelous.

Crassus laughed amused, remembering that and Cicero smiled, pleased. Marcus Caelius Rufus was a handsome young man of an aristocratic family, with a reputation of loose morals, who had been Clodia's lover. Rumor was he had asked Clodia for gold and later had tried to poison her. Clodia had then prosecuted him in court and there was when Cicero appeared, ready to defend Marcus Caelius and strike a blow against his own enemies.

— I bet you Clodia didn't like your speech —said Pompey, making Crassus laugh harder. Cicero's speech was a monument to sarcasm, with well-disguised insults and outright insults. He had called Clodia a whore in so many ways it was hilarious, and had also accused her of having an incestuous relationship with her brother, and Cicero's sworn enemy, Clodius.

— My favorite part was this: "Indeed, my refutation would be framed in considerably more forcible terms if I did not feel inhibited by the fact that the woman's husband, sorry, I mean brother, I always make that slip, is my personal enemy" (3) —Julius quoted Cicero's speech, and made the three of them laugh.

— It was a nice work, wasn't it? I couldn't let injustice prevailed, so I had to undertake young Marcus Caelius' defense —said Cicero.

— So, you think he was innocent? —Julius wanted to know— He didn't try to poison Clodia?

— But of course not! Who would believe the accusation of a woman like her? —Cicero was indignant—. She tried to corrupt a promising young man, and when he didn't let her do as she pleased, then Clodia tried to destroy him.

Julius said nothing. He knew that at some point Cicero had fancied Clodia, could it be that now he hated her because she never returned his attentions? —Who knows what Cicero really thinks —thought Julius.

— Caesar, I hope you can forgive my bluntness, but I would like to take this opportunity to talk to you about my younger brother, Quintus Cicero —Cicero changed the subject.

— Yes, of course.

— It is time for him to do his military service, and I was hoping he would be able to do it under your skilled command.

— I see no problem at all —Julius agreed—. Send him to me.

For the next campaign season, Julius would have several changes among his officers, for starters, his nephew Quintus Pedius was leaving and another of his nephews, Marcus Antonius, the son of his cousin Julia Antonia, was joining him as Quaestor. Lucius Balbus was also leaving, so to take Quintus Cicero with him wouldn't be difficult.

The whole day was a never-ending ritual of meetings that urgently needed his attention, and when Julius noticed, it was getting dark and he had to cancel an invitation for dinner because he had promised Marcus he would go out with him.

— What is so funny? —Julius asked, hearing Camillus laugh while he changed his cloths in his room with the help of Niketas. He had a body slave but trusted Niketas above the rest since the boy already knew about his relationship with Marcus. And I have to be very careful also with my slaves.

— I cannot believe you are actually going on a date with Marcus Aelius —Camillus mocked him, and Julius rolled his eyes tired.

—I wouldn't be in this situation, if it hadn't been for you.

— So, now is my fault your boyfriend wants to take you out.

—You were the one who pestered him about his "interest" in me, and now, thanks to you, I have an obligation to meet his friend —Julius stopped what he was doing to face him, but Camillus just shrugged.

— I could also go if you want.

—No, I don't —Julius left his bracelet on the table and took off his fine leather boots.

— You complained too much —Camillius said—. Where is he taking you?

— Have no idea, but I fear it will be to a flea infested tavern —Julius grumbled, changing his cotton tunic for a simpler one.

Camillus took a seat on his bed, and the poor thing creaked.

— You'll have to tell me everything as soon as you come back —oh, he was having fun.

— You are a girl —Julius teased him.

— Says the man who depilates his entire body —Camillus counterattacked—. By the way, aren't you going to leave that?

—What?

— Your ring. If you are going incognito, you have to leave your gold ring —Camillus pointed out and Julius had to agree he was right, even if he hated the idea of parting with his seal ring—. Also, I wouldn't take your gladius, if I were you.

— We are going to an ill-repute tavern, and you want me to leave my gladius?

— Right, your extremely expensive gladius of the finest Hispanian craftsmanship —Camillus raised one eyebrow and Julius hated him in that moment.

— Fine —grumbling, he left Crocea Mors but took a dagger instead. Niketas helped him with his belt and brought a simple cape. When he was finally ready, Julius thought he looked like a slave, something that made Camillus laugh.

— You look astonishing!

— Go and die, Camus —Camillus laughed harder, until Julius approached him and gave him his seal ring— Here. I don't trust anybody else to have it.

Camillus stopped smiling and saw the ring and if he didn't know what it was.

— Are you being serious?

— Dead serious —Camillus nodded and took the ring with all ceremony. A seal ring was as good as a person's signature, having it Camillus could write letters in Julius name, among other more compromising things.

— I will keep it safe.

— Thank you.

Oo0oO

"Stuck in my head like a melody

Feeling your touch is my remedy"

Marcus was waiting for Julius at the corner, his back and one foot against a wall. He yawned and scratched his head, raising his eyes to see the night sky. The moon was no-where to be seen, again, it was a very dark night with a few starts, but he thought Julius would like it —Is this the only way we can see each other? In the dark? Hiding like criminals?

"You make me so curious cause you gave me a taste, now I'm wanting more

Thinking 'bout when we can't be alone"

— Mark? —Julius called him and when Marcus turned and saw him, he frowned.

— Jules? —he asked incredulous, straightening — Is that you?

— If you mention something about my appearance, I'll leave now —Julius threatened him.

Marcus had to swallow his laughter. It wasn't as if Julius looked bad, Marcus sincerely believed he was incapable of something as inelegant as looking less than astonishing, but he looked so… strange, so… plain, so not himself.

— You always look good —Marcus said from the bottom of his heart and Julius blushed against his will for his own surprise.

— Are we leaving or what?

Marcus laughed.

— As you command.

"Cause your loving feels criminal

Place we shouldn't go

When I met you I was a stone cold

Wasn't looking for another love"

Marcus took him through the most horrible streets in the city, where Julius sincerely believed people killed for free, and moved always close to Marcus, sure his life was going to end in any moment and his hard work would be for nothing.

— Is this tavern far? —Julius asked, looking his surroundings as if these were going to bite him.

— No. We are almost there.

They turned around in a corner and Marcus suddenly stopped, taking Julius aback.

— What?

— Before we arrived, I want to tell you something —said Marcus, nervous—. It's about yesterday's conversation.

— You don't have to say anything —it was embarrassing enough for the two of them.

— Just one thing, please —Julius nodded and Marcus puffed his cheek out—. What you said, about protecting me… I didn't know how to answer and… —he rested his weigh on one foot, looking at his hands—. I just want to thank you.

— Mark, I hate this kind of sentimentalism, but since it's important to you, let's us talk about this and not mentioned it ever again, all right? —Julius spoke quickly, also nervous—. I don't know if I can give you the kind of love you said you feel for me, but I would want to try.

Marcus opened his eyes surprise.

"Nobody has to know

You and me on the low wowowoh

Show me how to love again"

— Jules, I am afraid, I fear that, the day this campaign in Gaul ends and you return to Rome, our… what we have would end —Marcus opened his heart—. Now, we share the same world, war and the legions, but, what will happen when you came back to be an all mighty Senator, a patrician, an ex-consul a… triumphator? I am just a Roman born in Hispania, nothing more.

Julius felt his heart beating fast against his throat.

"Nobody believes us

We know this is real love"

— Mark, look at me. Do you trust me? —Julius asked.

— With my life.

— Then stop worrying about this —said Julius—. You are not just a Roman born in Hispania, not for me, and this… whatever we have, won't end when I return to Rome, you will come with me. Do you understand?

— Yes.

— You overthink, Mark —Marcus laughed.

— Perhaps, but you are the same.

— Whatever. Let's go, your friend must be waiting —Julius was going to keep walking but Marcus stopped him, taking him by the arm and resting his forehead against Julius'.

— I love you, Jules.

"We can keep it a secret

But I want to scream it.

Show me how to love again" (4)

Julius said nothing, enjoying the moment, listening to the other's steady breathing, and when he raised his eyes, he found Marcus loving gaze on him. He shuddered.

— I… —Julius sighed— I think, I love you too…

(1) John T. Ramsey. A Companion to Julius Caesar, Chapter Four: The Proconsular Years: Politics at a Distance. Wiley-Blackwell, p 42, 43

(2) Cicero's actual words, written in a letter to his friend Atticus in 46 B.C.

Adrian Goldsworthy. Caesar: Life of a Colossus. Yale University Press, p 186

(3) Cicero. Selected Political Speeches. Penguin Classics, p 184

(4) Martin Jv & Airmow. Love Again ft. Chelsea Paige