Disclaimer: I am not a programmer. I am only a fan of computer jokes. This
piece was inspired by a well-known joke about God's botched-up Genesis.
Those of you who know anything at all about DOS, please send me your
corrections.
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ARREST.EXE
Part II: The (first attempt at the) Execution
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:Run arrest
#Enter user id.
:Inspector Javert
#Enter password.
:Irreproachable
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Infallible
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Repressed
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.
.
#Javert logged on to Montreuil-sur-mer at 09:01:00 AM, Monday, January 1.
:Run arrest
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Wander the streets clad in an iron-gray frock-coat armed with a heavy cane and wearing a battered
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Scan for order
#Done. Order detected.
:Maintain order
#You must go on patrol to maintain order.
:Go on patrol
#Javert is on patrol. 0 errors.
#Javert logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 22:00:00 PM, Monday, January 1.
#Approx. patience remaining: 86.1%.
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.
.
#Javert logged on at 09:01:00 AM, Tuesday, January 2.
:Examine carefully and with suspicion face gait figure age of Madeleine the manufacturer
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
:Create suspicion
#Done.
:Run suspicion
#Javert suspects Monsieur Madeleine.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
#Javert logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 22:02:00 PM, Tuesday, January 2.
#Approx. patience remaining: 72%.
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.
.
#Javert logged on to Montreuil-sur-mer at 09:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 3.
:Run suspicion
#Javert suspects Monsieur Madeleine.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Examine carefully face hair gait figure age of Monsieur Madeleine
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
:Examine face of Madeleine.
#Done.
:Match face of Madeleine.
#No exact match has been found.
:Match +=80% face_of_Madeleine
#Searching... please wait...
1 fitting matches has been located for face_of_Madeleine in the internal archives.
:Open match
===== ===== ===== ===== Start of match ===== ===== ===== =====
===== Name: Valjean, Jean.
===== Year of birth: 1769
===== Height: 5'6
===== Weight: 185 lbs
===== Hair color: dirty blond/graying
===== Eye color: blue
===== Face shape: round.
===== Notable skills: exceptional marksmanship (rifle)
===== Distinguishing characteristics: Extraordinary physical strength; large "tea-stain" birthmark on left shoulder blade.
===== Previous convictions: 1
===== Date of conviction: 1796
===== Duration of sentence: 1796-1815
===== Served in full? yes
===== Wanted for: theft, highway robbery with violence, breaking parole.
===== Last known whereabouts: town of Digne
===== Current whereabouts: unknown.
ATTENTION! The suspect is considered highly dangerous. Exercise every precaution while apprehending. ATTENTION!
===== ===== ===== ===== End of match ===== ===== ===== =====
:Examine Madeleine's documents
#File Madeleine's documents does not exist.
:Examine Madeleine's birth certificate
#File Madeleine's birth certificate does not exist
:Create Madeleine_Valjean.dir
#Done.
:Run suspicion
#Javert suspects Monsieur Madeleine.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
#Javert logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 22:02:00 PM, Wednesday, January 3.
#Approx. patience remaining: 55%.
.
.
.
#Javert logged on to Montreuil-sur-mer at 09:01:00 AM, Thursday, January 4.
:Scan for order
#Scanning... please wait...
#A disturbance has been detected!
:Investigate disturbance.
#Road-side accident. 0 persons dead, 1 persons wounded.
:Move wounded from road.wlk to hospital
#Moving wounded is impossible due to an obstruction.
:Analyze obstruction
#Analyzing... please wait...
#File horse.crt found in directory road.wlk
#Access to directory road.wlk denied.
:Move obstruction to sidewalk.dir
#You do not have clearance to move horse.crt
:Destroy obstruction
#Horse.crt is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Break
:Break
:Break
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.
#Madeleine logged on to Montreuil-sur-mer at 13:02:00 PM, Wednesday, January 4.
#Obstruction removed! You may now move wounded to hospital.
#Madeleine logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 13:04:00 PM, Wednesday, January 4.
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:Analyze removal
#Analyzing... please wait...
#Javert is made uneasy by removal of obstruction by Madeleine.
#Warning: system error in sector E1815. Madeleine is not a unique user!
:Run suspicion
#Javert suspects Monsieur Madeleine of being Jean Valjean.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
#Javert logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 22:02:00 PM, Wednesday, January 4.
#Approx. patience remaining: 35%.
^*@*^~^*@*^~^*@*^~^*@*=======~~~~~~~~~~~~
ARREST.EXE
Part II: The (first attempt at the) Execution
^*@*^~^*@*^~^*@*^~^*@*=======~~~~~~~~~~~~
:Run arrest
#Enter user id.
:Inspector Javert
#Enter password.
:Irreproachable
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Infallible
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Repressed
.
.
.
#Javert logged on to Montreuil-sur-mer at 09:01:00 AM, Monday, January 1.
:Run arrest
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Wander the streets clad in an iron-gray frock-coat armed with a heavy cane and wearing a battered
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Scan for order
#Done. Order detected.
:Maintain order
#You must go on patrol to maintain order.
:Go on patrol
#Javert is on patrol. 0 errors.
#Javert logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 22:00:00 PM, Monday, January 1.
#Approx. patience remaining: 86.1%.
.
.
.
#Javert logged on at 09:01:00 AM, Tuesday, January 2.
:Examine carefully and with suspicion face gait figure age of Madeleine the manufacturer
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
:Create suspicion
#Done.
:Run suspicion
#Javert suspects Monsieur Madeleine.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
#Javert logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 22:02:00 PM, Tuesday, January 2.
#Approx. patience remaining: 72%.
.
.
.
#Javert logged on to Montreuil-sur-mer at 09:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 3.
:Run suspicion
#Javert suspects Monsieur Madeleine.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Examine carefully face hair gait figure age of Monsieur Madeleine
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
:Examine face of Madeleine.
#Done.
:Match face of Madeleine.
#No exact match has been found.
:Match +=80% face_of_Madeleine
#Searching... please wait...
1 fitting matches has been located for face_of_Madeleine in the internal archives.
:Open match
===== ===== ===== ===== Start of match ===== ===== ===== =====
===== Name: Valjean, Jean.
===== Year of birth: 1769
===== Height: 5'6
===== Weight: 185 lbs
===== Hair color: dirty blond/graying
===== Eye color: blue
===== Face shape: round.
===== Notable skills: exceptional marksmanship (rifle)
===== Distinguishing characteristics: Extraordinary physical strength; large "tea-stain" birthmark on left shoulder blade.
===== Previous convictions: 1
===== Date of conviction: 1796
===== Duration of sentence: 1796-1815
===== Served in full? yes
===== Wanted for: theft, highway robbery with violence, breaking parole.
===== Last known whereabouts: town of Digne
===== Current whereabouts: unknown.
ATTENTION! The suspect is considered highly dangerous. Exercise every precaution while apprehending. ATTENTION!
===== ===== ===== ===== End of match ===== ===== ===== =====
:Examine Madeleine's documents
#File Madeleine's documents does not exist.
:Examine Madeleine's birth certificate
#File Madeleine's birth certificate does not exist
:Create Madeleine_Valjean.dir
#Done.
:Run suspicion
#Javert suspects Monsieur Madeleine.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
#Javert logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 22:02:00 PM, Wednesday, January 3.
#Approx. patience remaining: 55%.
.
.
.
#Javert logged on to Montreuil-sur-mer at 09:01:00 AM, Thursday, January 4.
:Scan for order
#Scanning... please wait...
#A disturbance has been detected!
:Investigate disturbance.
#Road-side accident. 0 persons dead, 1 persons wounded.
:Move wounded from road.wlk to hospital
#Moving wounded is impossible due to an obstruction.
:Analyze obstruction
#Analyzing... please wait...
#File horse.crt found in directory road.wlk
#Access to directory road.wlk denied.
:Move obstruction to sidewalk.dir
#You do not have clearance to move horse.crt
:Destroy obstruction
#Horse.crt is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Break
:Break
:Break
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.
#Madeleine logged on to Montreuil-sur-mer at 13:02:00 PM, Wednesday, January 4.
#Obstruction removed! You may now move wounded to hospital.
#Madeleine logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 13:04:00 PM, Wednesday, January 4.
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.
.
:Analyze removal
#Analyzing... please wait...
#Javert is made uneasy by removal of obstruction by Madeleine.
#Warning: system error in sector E1815. Madeleine is not a unique user!
:Run suspicion
#Javert suspects Monsieur Madeleine of being Jean Valjean.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
#Javert logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 22:02:00 PM, Wednesday, January 4.
#Approx. patience remaining: 35%.