A/N: Last part! And I must admit I am pretty pleased with how it turned out :) I am glad I waited for this to finish until 05x10 was on screen. It inspired me for the ending; as well as my dear friend Lexi (as always 3). Next will be my version of the 05x10 break up scene. Hope you will read it as well :) And tell me what you think of this version of 05x02! Writers live of the reviews of their readers; keep that in mind! ;)
I'm not sorry (Elena)
"Elena, I can't do this. I can't watch ...", he started and I could hear the pain in his voice.
"No, Damon, go on. We have to break it!" I interrupted him immediately, my voice harsh. It was already a constant struggle to fight against the compulsion and to not let it take the upper hand; I couldn't fight with him about this, too. I didn't have the strength.
I was kneeling on both knees in front of him by now. Supporting myself with my hands on the ground not to collapse. My breathing was racked and I could feel the trembling from exhaustion run through my entire body. I wanted it to end. No matter how. I wanted it to be over. Because I couldn't go on. Not a single second.
"Damon, please ...", I breathed out.
I didn't look up to him, afraid it might already be enough fuel to my rage and my weakened body and mind. Instead I starred onto my shivering hands, trying to get my breathing back under control.
I heard him sigh quietly and racked. He couldn't go on either.
Either me or him …
"I don't know where to start, I can't think properly …", he whispered.
"Just somewhere, just tell me what comes to your mind, no matter what ...", I replied.
After a short break he went on.
"Do you remember when I stayed with Jeremy at the lake house? You went home after I told you so; to have you out of danger. In the evening you called me", he said quietly.
"I was sitting on the front porch …", I added.
"You told me that you and I … is the most real thing you've ever felt … in your entire life. And then you said three little words … I didn't expected you would ever say to me. But you did. And I looked up to the sky, so happy that I can't even describe it."
I heard what he was saying. I heard his voice, quietly telling me one of our most precious memories. But it took me an enormous amount of strength to keep fixated on his voice, his words … and not the words that were shouting in my head. It was as if someone was screaming them at me, while Damon's voice was barely more than a whisper, words I heard as if through a thick glass wall.
"You said – I love you, Damon. I love you. And I wanted to hear it over and over again. I love you", Damon said.
I heard the happiness, the relief, the faithfulness in his voice and a deep, deep love. And they flipped a switch. My hands which had started trembling again, grabbed the wooden chair in the corner, faster than my mind could even proceed it. They smashed it to the ground, splintering it into pieces, faster than my heart could fight against it. And before I knew what I was doing, I was standing above him and my hands lowered down with unnatural speed, smashing the stake my hand had gripped from the ground right into his arm.
His scream hallowing from the walls was interrupted by words I had told Stefan, a long time ago, when I had been sitting on the ground with my dead brother in my arms.
"There is nothing good about him, Stefan, not anymore. He's decided what he wants. He doesn't want to feel. He wants to be hated. It's just easier that way. He got his wish. I hate him Stefan."
By then, his screams didn't influence me anymore. I felt nothing watching him being in pain, and he was in pain. His healing abilities were nearly down to null. I had weakened him too much, physically and mentally. I saw his tortured features, I saw the blood coloring his skin deep red. And I felt nothing. I let the compulsion take over me, I gave in to the rage, the hatred, the anger deep inside my heart. Three little words had broken me, had broken the defenses of my heart.
"I love you."
"I hate him."
I hated him once. For all he had done. I hated him, because there was nothing inside him that was worth loving. What changed my mind? What changed my mind that I chose him after all? What made me … fall for him? I didn't remember …
"This is funny. The last times it had been Katherine or Elijah stabbing me nearly to death. I survived it two times thanks to you. And the last time it will be you holding up the stake herself … not to rescue but to end me, it's ridiculous", Damon went on, quietly, an edge of sarcasm audible in his voice.
I barely heard anything of it. It was as if he was miles away, not sitting right in front of me. All I heard were the echoes in my mind.
"He is a monster. A monster condemned to stay in the darkness … alone … forever."
"You are a monster!"
"I remember how you fed me your blood that evening Elijah attacked us. I was almost dead when I lied there on the marble floor of the mansion. But you couldn't let me die. You asked me, no you forced me to drink your blood. The moment you tilted your head to the side and brushed your hair out of the way, revealing your bare throat, is a moment I will never forget. Nor when my fangs pierced your skin, creating a connection, a bond. Unbreakable …", Damon's voice ripped through my anger.
"SHUT UP!" I screamed back at him, taking another stake, driving it through his leg. I saw his hands closing firmer around the edges of the chair, I saw his clenched teeth, the pain in his eyes, but he didn't scream.
"You are incapable of feeling anything!"
"You are the most selfish person I have ever met! I wish I had never saved you!"
"The moment that will stay present in my mind for all time, is the moment you ran down the stairs straight into my arms", he said barely audible, looking straight up into my eyes.
"You have lost me forever."
Another stake went down, into his leg.
"Or when you were laying on my chest, holding my hand, while I was barely able to speak, weakned by the werewolf poison that was about to kill me. You kissed me that night for the first time; as a goodbye."
And another, finding his stomach as a destination.
"The kiss at the masquerade ball when we were hiding from Katherine ..."
There were no longer just echoes of words in my mind. I saw a varsity of pictures flash before my eyes. Fights, slabs, tears, adding fuel to my hatred. Adding stakes to his body. Blood to the ground.
"But the most precious memory I hold ...", he went on through his pain, "... are the moments you looked me into my eyes. I love your deep brown eyes so much ... they revealed everything, if you were angry, happy or sad. They revealed me, when I couldn't believe it, couldn't believe your words, your actions, that you really loved me."
"I hate you, Damon Salvatore."
And I lowered the stake down, with all my force, straight into his ribcage. He let out a cough, but didn't scream.
"And ... you know ... what?" He said to me, his voice racked from pain, as I held my last stake in my hand, gripping it tightly. There was only one destination I had left out. Saved for the very end. His end. His heart. "Funnily enough ... even ... if you will kill me ... now, I don't regret ... anything. Because you ... changed ... me. Because ... you changed my life ... in a way ... I had never expected to be ... possible. I wasn't living as a human ... bound by grief about my mother ... hatred against my father ... who never let out an opportunity ... to show me that I was nothing. And I wasn't living as a vampire. I had ... all the possibilities in the world. I could go where I want ... do what I want. But all this time ... no matter what I experienced ... I was alone. Utterly alone. And then ... I met you ... and you changed it all", Damon whispered, looking straight into my eyes.
These deep blue eyes ...
My hand around the stake had started to tremble, it was shaking by now.
"Even if I die now, by your hand, I am not sorry ... for nothing", he went on, his eyes expressing an unbelievable certainty.
I'm not sorry that I met you.
I'm not sorry that knowing you has made me question everything;
that in death you are the one that made me feel most alive.
You've been a terrible person; you've made all the wrong choices and of all the choices that I've made this will prove to be the worst one.
But I'm not sorry that I' in love with you.
I love you, Damon.
The word crashed down on me like lightening down to earth. And the thunder reverberating through my body left me shaking. The following rain was a rain of memories ... words ... pictures ... showing me what I knew deep inside, buried by the compulsion, a compulsion which was broken at the sound of his last words.
A classroom ... Damon and I ... I had managed to drink from a bloodbag and to keep it down ... I had jumped into his arms, so happy ...
A morning at the mansion ... Damon's King-size bed ... I had watched him sleep, studying every feature of his face, taking it all in ... he was mine ...
Two resembling scenes mixed ... a gym, me in my sport clothes, he had taken my hand and placed it on his heart; to show me the way to a vampire's heart. I hadn't listened to him a single second; all I had been able to think about were my hands touching his chest, his hands on mine ... and a long while later; the same situation, at the mansion. This time I had taken his hand and placed it on my heart ... making him understand that all of this is real; that nothing is wrong ...
I let the stake drop out of my hand. It hit the ground loudly; or I imagined it to be so loud because the sound kept ringing in my ears. I couldn't held myself up any longer. I collapsed to the ground, down to his feet; breathing, shaking heavily.
"No, no, you are exactly the person I need right now, Damon!"
A bench at a lake flickered in front of my eyes ... and dances ... the dances I shared with him; dances that made me laugh; making me forget my worries; dances that made me feel pure electricity between us; and the dance that lead to our first kiss, the first honest, free, loving kiss ...
Oh yes, the kisses ... Outside the motel room, when my heart had nearly exploded in my chest; my fierce loving human kiss ... The first kiss as me as a vampire ... I remember pushing him against the wall, tearing his shirt apart, kissing him passionately ...
I had to laugh at the memory; and at the same time a sob escaped my throat; followed by tears building up in my eyes. I looked up and met Damon's eyes. I couldn't help the shudder running through my body at his sight. I swallowed. His eyes were dark, nearly black. His expression fathomless.
Shaking, I got up to my feet again. I didn't say a word. Silently I started pulling the stakes I had smashed through his skin out; all the while followed by more memories while tears ran silently down my cheeks.
The lake house ... a mistletoe above my head ...
The mansion ... me lifting my hand, to touch his face, his eyes so serious; so torn; so frightened ... "Does this feel wrong?"
"I never hated you, Damon, not a single second. I wanted it. I wanted to hate you, I tried so hard to hate you but I simply couldn't!
The stakes laid scattered around me. Covered in dark blood. I kneeled down in front of him again, lifting my hand to my mouth. I pierced my skin and held my wrist up to him. He looked at me for a long second, his face serious. Then he took my wrist to his mouth. I didn't feel anything. I was so exhausted, so tired, so numb. I supported myself with one hand on his leg, afraid of collapsing to the ground if I didn't catch a hold on something.
A slow dance ...
A happy, fearless kiss in the morning ... "It's our time." "Just once."
A wild free dance ...
When I felt him withdraw; I immediately pulled my hand away and got up. Without looking at him I turned around.
Tears, lots of tears ... and strong arms closing around me, keeping me from falling, from the darkness surrounding me.
And a smile ... a smile I had never seen before, so relieved, so happy, so loving, so human ... from deep blue eyes ...
I managed to walk only several feet before I broke down. I just stood there, my arms clasped tightly around my chest to suppress the sobs; my body shuddering, tears running down my face. I just stood there like this, trembling.
I recoiled when I felt his hands on my shoulders. He softly turned me around to face him but I kept my eyes fixated on the ground. I couldn't look at him. He gently placed a hand around my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes.
"Look at me", he whispered.
But I couldn't. Keeping my gaze fixated on the stakes laying scattered on the ground, the whole scenario that had just taken place flickered in front of my eyes; like a movie; speeded up 100 times. It showed me what I just had done.
I knew how he really was; deep inside. He pretended to be the person nobody could hurt, nothing could touch. But I had seen a different side of him. I had seen his memories, unwillingly. I had seen how he really was, how he really felt ... when he was alone and nobody was there, nobody could see him. I had seen several memories of lonely dark nights, of shattered mirrors and of tears. And I had experienced a different side of him; whenever he was with me. I had met a person who would risk everything to save the people he loves; even to save the people his beloved ones hold dear, no matter what they had done to him or if they hated him. I had met a person who loved as deeply as nobody I had ever met before. And I had met a person who was so torn between trusting someone and being so afraid of getting hurt again like nobody I had met before. He was fragile, more fragile than any other person I knew. But the walls he had raised kept him safe, kept his fragile part secure from being hurt ... by every other person. Except me. I was the only one who could break him. And I nearly managed today.
"Please", he insisted, his whisper breaking through my thoughts.
I deserved this. I deserved to be forced to meet his look. I couldn't hide. I wasn't allowed to hide. I did this to him and now I had to pay for it. I wasn't allowed to avoid him cowardly. I had to face him. I was just so afraid of what I would see.
I turned my gaze from the stakes to meet his eyes, breathing hard, new tears had build up in my eyes.
When I met his haze they started running down my face. The darkness in his eyes had diminished and so had the inscrutability. He didn't look reproachful nor angry ... no not at all; but relieved, tired and ... loving.
"Damon ... I'm so sorry", I sobbed, my body trembling.
"Shhh ...", he silenced me, leaning in to kiss away the wet tracks on my cheeks.
I wrapped my arms around him and held him close. I felt how he returned the embrace, closing his arms tightly around my body, his head resting against mine.
We had stood there like this for a long while when I felt how he loosened the grip around me and withdraw to look me into the eyes again. My tears had dried by then, but my expression remained serious. He studied my expression, trying to read in my eyes what I was thinking and I knew for sure that he knew my every single thought. My guilt for what I had done, my fear of having hurt him too badly.
"What was it that broke the compulsion in the end?"He asked finally.
"A special memory ... A memory that showed me that no matter what you had done in the past, how terrible you might have been, all the wrong choices you might have made, I am not sorry for having met you, for having you let change my life and most of all for falling in love with you", I replied honestly.
"The night you decided for me and against Stefan ...", he said.
"I am glad to hear that exactly that thought brought you back", he went on after a moment of silence between us.
"Why?" I replied.
"Because all the time I was looking in to your eyes I kept asking myself if it would have been better if you would have chosen Stefan."
I said nothing. Just stared at him.
"I am still trying to figure that out", he added after a moment, his eyes fixed to the ground.
While under compulsion I hadn't had a real grip on my thoughts. But when my mind was clear again and I had pulled the stakes out, when I had turned around, afraid to face him, that was exactly the reason I had been so silent and the reason I had broken down.
I knew from the very first moment my thoughts belonged entirely me again, that I hadn't hurt him physically. Nothing what vampire blood can't heal in seconds. But I had added fuel to his self-doubting thoughts. It wasn't that he didn't trust me. He didn't trust himself. He was too afraid to lose me, too afraid that his past would tear us apart. And I had shown him that everything he had done, all the hurt he had caused me, was still there, in the deepest corner of my heart and that every person who wanted to hurt him would be successful by pulling that trigger. This time, we had won over Silas. But he was afraid, no he already knew, that one day there would be a person who would be successful at tearing us apart. Just because he was him. Just because he was Damon. Just because there was all this past. A past I knew of and a past I didn't know of. And he also knew that if it would tear us apart, it would break him.
"Okay, figure it out", I replied, my voice determined, even with a harsh edge. I knew I wouldn't break his irrational thoughts by being sensitive or empathic. It wouldn't reach him.
He looked up, surprised.
"For my part, I have to figure out nothing. I don't regret my decision. I love you, no matter what", I went on, my voice steady, leaving no room for doubts.
"And because you love to hear it over and over again: I love you, I love you, I love ..."
But I didn't manage to finish it a third time. Damon had griped my face with both his hands, kissing me passionately now.
I felt the relief in his kiss, the gratitude. Yet, I knew that I had only calmed his twisted thoughts. I knew that he needed way longer to trust me not to leave him, even more to trust himself. I didn't know what was coming, I didn't know which aspects of his past I still didn't know, what parts of his life I might reveal in the future but I knew one thing for sure: That I loved him. And with the compulsion gone I remembered. I remembered what changed my mind, I remembered why I chose him, I remembered why hate turned into love. Just because of him. Just because he was who he was. Just because he was Damon.
"I think we might better clean this mess up ...", Damon said after a while, releasing me.
"And go back to the party. I am pretty sure some people might miss us," I added.
"I am pretty sure they came up with their own explanation", Damon answered, a huge grin on his face.
"If they would know ...", I replied laughing.