The Game of Acolytes

"You're lying!" Pyro snapped.

"Me? You're the one who's making stuff up!" Remy shot back.

"Stow it, Cajun," Sabertooth growled. "You ain't gonna get away with this."

"Get away with what?" Remy spread his hands wide. "I haven't done anything. Unlike you!"

"Are you calling me a liar?" Sabertooth roared indignantly.

"I don't have to. The evidence speaks for itself!" Remy snapped.

"And it's saying 'Gambit is wrong! Gambit is wrong!'" Pyro shouted pointing a finger at him. "So stop trying to deny the truth and confess! Confess!"

"Uh," Piotr spoke up timidly. "Can't we just ignore all this and move on?"

"NO!" The others yelled at him.

"Hey, can someone tell me where you keep the spare toothpaste around here?" Mastermind asked entering the recreation room. "I could have sworn I saw three tubes of it in the bathroom this morning."

"Mastermind! You're just the bloke we need for this!" Pyro leapt up and ran to him. "Come over here!"

"Ow! Hey, watch it!" Mastermind yelped as Pyro dragged him over to the table where the rest of the Acolytes were sitting.

"You came at just the right time, mate," Pyro said cheerfully. "You're needed to help participate in a vital struggle of wits, fortune and tragic bouts of woe!"

"Huh?" Mastermind blinked and stared at the bright, multicolored pieces spread across the tabletop. "You are playing a board game?"

"Not just any board game," Pyro told him. "It's the Game of Life!"

"More like 'Get a Life'," Mastermind grumbled under his breath. "And the reason you're playing it is...?"

"It was Piotr's idea," Remy said idly flicking a card. "He's never played it before and wanted to try it out."

"Okay," Mastermind said slowly. "Don't you find it to be a little, oh I don't know... childish?"

"Ha!" Sabertooth barked.

"Well, I admit the gameplay is fairly simple," Piotr shrugged. "Though the fact it does not have us running around fighting for our lives while causing chaos is quite nice."

"Yeah, it's a lot less life threatening compared to the last time we tried playing a board game," Remy quipped.

"And now you want me to play with you," Mastermind sighed in resignation.

"Oh no, we don't want you to play," Pyro corrected. "We just need a neutral, independent party to stay and be the banker."

"Well, that doesn't sound too bad," Mastermind said taking a seat. "Why do you need another person to be the banker?"

"Because the last banker we had kept slipping himself a little extra every time he hit a payout," Sabertooth glared at Remy accusingly.

"I did not!" Remy defended. "A few bills just got mixed into my hand by accident. Besides, who gave himself a ten thousand dollar bonus the last time he hit a payday when he was banker?"

"Hey, I was putting in overtime, okay?" Sabertooth snapped. "I deserved a bonus!"

"You deserved a pay cut!" Remy shot back.

"Okay, that is enough," Piotr tried to end the argument. "Can we just ignore any previous, um...oddities, and consider them bureaucratic oversights? Please?"

"Fine," Remy and Sabertooth both backed down while glaring at each other. Pyro nodded in agreement too.

"Thank you," Piotr sighed relief. "So, on with the game."

"Well, at least it sounds like you have gotten part of the game over with already," Mastermind commented.

"Yes, we have gotten to the point where we have all managed to get a career," Piotr informed him. "Though I find it strange that the game begins by having you choose to either start a career or go to college."

"Yeah. What about being born and spending time as a kid?" Pyro piped up. "The game doesn't even bother to take that into account. What kind of message is that to every little tacker who plays it?"

"It tells them kids aren't considered to have a life," Sabertooth growled. "Case in point, just look at you three!"

"Says the big, bad Furball playing the game with us," Remy snapped at him. "So what does that say about you?"

"Why are you playing this game with them?" Mastermind looked at Sabertooth questioningly.

"I lost a bet," Sabertooth grumbled. "That's all I'm gonna say."

"O-kay," Mastermind decided not to press the issue. "Let's just hurry up and get this over with. Whose turn is it?"

"Mine," Piotr reached over and spun the wheel. "Ah, ten."

"Hey, that means you speeded," Pyro point out.

"Oh, okay," Piotr looked over the board. "Where is the jail?"

"You don't go to jail for speeding. That's a different game," Pyro told him. "In this game you pay the police officer to stay out of jail."

"Wait, you are saying I am supposed to give the police officer a bribe?" Piotr asked incredulously.

"Yep," Pyro nodded.

"Well, now I'm feeling a lot better about my career," Remy smirked holding up his card. "Give me my money!"

"You're the police officer?!" Mastermind did a double-take. "Talk about corruption!"

"No kidding," Sabertooth growled. "It explains the lack of security involving those extra bank payments."

"Oh shut up Furball and take your turn," Remy snapped as he finished collecting money from Piotr.

"Watch it, Cajun," Sabertooth warned as violently spun the wheel. "Seven."

"Oh boy, you're getting married," Pyro chirped as Sabertooth stopped his car token movement short. "Kudos!"

"Forget it. I ain't getting married," Sabertooth declared.

"But the space says you are," Piotr pointed out.

"No way," Sabertooth growled. "It ain't worth it. Not in real life and especially not in this stupid game!"

"Figures you would say that," Remy mocked. "After all, who in their right mind would ever want to marry you?"

"At least I'm not stupid enough to be tricked into taking on some lazy, gold-digging freeloader!" Sabertooth shouted pointing to Remy's car token which showed a driver and three passengers. "You've been hitched. So why aren't you collecting a salary from your wife along with your own?"

"Uh..." Remy was caught short.

"It's because she doesn't work," Sabertooth went on. "Which means she just married you for your money. You're her meal ticket!"

"Wow," Piotr blinked. "I did not think of that."

"That explains why there's no life insurance in this game," Pyro commented. "If there was you would probably end up getting knocked off and your wife would collect the insurance money right before she went and married someone else!"

"Especially if she always talked about killing you and constantly showed you hostility every time you met," Piotr added.

"Uh," Remy began to feel somewhat uneasy.

"So that's why I'm not getting married," Sabertooth skipped the game space and continued moving his token. "Oh crud, not again! I've got a kid!"

"And you get a LIFE tile too," Pyro added.

"Wait a minute," Piotr frowned in confusion. "How can you have a kid if you did not get married?"

"You've obviously never watched any soap operas, have you?" Remy quipped. "Wait a second..." He turned towards Sabertooth. "What do you mean by again?"

"Nothing," Sabertooth muttered darkly. "It means nothing."

"Right," Remy said slowly and gave Sabertooth a strange look.

"My turn!" Pyro chirped and eagerly spun the wheel. "Yay, I get to buy a house!" He looked over the available house cards. "Hmmm, I'll take that one and that one."

"Hold on," Piotr interrupted. "You can not buy two houses. You can only buy one."

"But I can afford them!" Pyro held up a large fistful of play money. "So I deserve a second house!"

"Says the contest winning doctor with the one hundred thousand dollar salary," Remy quipped.

"Pyro is the doctor?!" Mastermind gasped in shock.

"Yep!" Pyro beamed proudly. "I'm a great doctor!"

"Not as good as I am," Sabertooth muttered sounding somewhat smug.

"But why do you even want to buy a second house in the first place?" Piotr asked.

"So I can rent it out to people and sell it later when the market improves," Pyro stated. "Duh!"

"I have to admit, he has a point," Remy said.

"Well, okay," Piotr gave in.

"Yay!" Pyro squealed collecting his house cards. "I even have enough cash left over to get insurance."

"Yeah right," Sabertooth snorted. "Like anyone would sell house insurance to you. You'd burn it down in a minute!"

"I would not!" Pyro protested. "At least not right way..."

"Sure you wouldn't," Remy drawled sarcastically. "My turn." He casually spun the wheel. "Six. Hey, that's my stock number. Come to pappa!"

"Oh come on!" Sabertooth spat. "He's hit that number every single time. How is that possible?"

"It's all in the wrist," Remy smirked. "Too bad there isn't a real stock market in the game. It would make things a lot more interesting."

"Yeah," Pyro nodded his head excitedly. "It could crash and force everyone to lose their jobs, sell their stuff and form a mob to beat up the banker!"

"Uh, I wouldn't go that far," Mastermind gulped nervously. "Let's not be hasty."

"I do not know. That seems a little extreme," Piotr commented. "I do not think the game would ever include such negative aspects like that."

"Not according to this," Remy reached into the game box and held out a pamphlet. "Apparently, the original game had several such family-unfriendly spaces. These included poverty, crime, intemperance, gambling, disgrace and suicide."

"Suicide?" Piotr repeated in shock. "You are saying players had the option of killing themselves?"

"Looks like it," Remy confirmed.

"That's one way to get out playing the game," Sabertooth grunted. "Though I think homicide would be a much better choice."

"Wow, who knew this apparently innocent children's game used to be so violent," Piotr commented.

"That's one of the funny things about life. Nobody ever gets out alive," Remy quipped. "At least the original version bothered to include infancy."

"And a jail," Pyro pointed out. "Guess you lucked out, huh Colossus?"

"I guess so," Piotr nodded.

"Anyway, on with my turn," Remy put the pamphlet away and finished moving his piece. "Taxes Due. Well, at least I only have to pay income tax."

"Wait, that's it?" Sabertooth frowned. "What about property tax and taxes on your stock?"

"Sorry, they're all part of my 401k," Remy quipped handling money to Mastermind. "They're untouchable."

"Well that's just stupid," Sabertooth growled. "You should be audited!"

"Can't. The game conveniently left out the IRS," Remy smirked. "Though if you insist I be audited I'll probably get a tax credit for being a homeowner and would be able to write off my kids as deductible."

"Grrr," Sabertooth growled and quietly cursed to himself.

"My turn," Piotr spun the wheel and moved his piece. "Payday. Yay. Forty thousand dollars please."

"Oh yeah, this game is real exciting," Mastermind rolled his eyes while Piotr his payout.

"Why do you think it's referred to as a board game?" Sabertooth grunted taking his turn. "What? Sixty thousand dollars for surgery?! Are you kidding me?"

"Yippee! I'm the doctor, so you have to pay me!" Pyro grinned. "Pay up!"

"Forget it. I'm not paying for some stupid surgery," Sabertooth snapped. "I have a healing factor. I don't need surgery!"

"Too bad. The game says you have surgery so you have to pay for it!" Remy shouted. "So hand over the money!"

"No!" Sabertooth yelled.

"Then you're under arrest!" Remy shouted standing up.

"I can not believe he just said that," Piotr blinked.

"Neither can I," Mastermind groaned.

"I'm confiscating your assets in the name of the law!" Remy swooped up all of Sabertooth's holdings.

"Oh no you're not!" Sabertooth grabbed at Remy's hands.

"Hey, I want my money!" Pyro jumped in and wrestled for control of the game pieces. "Pay me your hospital bills or I'll sue!"

"Let go of me or I'll end up sending you to the hospital!" Sabertooth roared and tried to swat him aside.

"I bet it was brain surgery you went in for!" Remy snapped at Sabertooth. "The doctors probably stumbled across an old monkey brain and they decided to give you an upgrade!"

"DIE!" Sabertooth yelled and tacked him.

"You first!" Remy shouted.

"I want my money!" Pyro howled.

"Oh no," Mastermind dove out of the way as the three Acolytes began to fight using their powers. "I thought this game was supposed to be less violent and life threatening!"

"Compared to the last one it is," Piotr armored up and did his best to shield them from the damage. "At least this time there are no battle armored, fire breathing elephants of doom."

"Battle armored what?!" Mastermind yelped ducking a chair.

"Long story," Piotr shrugged.

CRASH!

SMASH!

BOOM!

"DIE!"

"I don't want to know," Mastermind groaned and hid underneath the table. "When I mocked this game for being exciting I should have known I would regret it!"

"This is one reason why we do not play many board games around here," Piotr told him. "They tend to be taken kind of seriously."

"Ha! I got it!" Remy succeeding in grabbing all of Sabertooth's money and made a break for the door. "The police thank you for your generous donation!"

"YOU'RE GONNA BE DONATING SOME INTERNAL ORGANS AFTER I'M FINISHED WITH YOU!" Sabertooth roared chasing after him.

"Alright you lunatics!" Magneto strode into the room and stopped in the doorway. "Who is responsible for the trails of toothpaste splattered all over the Control Room? It's seeped into the wiring in there and I can't get it out! You fools better not have been betting on toothpaste races again..."

WHAM!

"Hahahahaha!" Remy knocked down Magneto and sped down the hallway. "Your fortune is mine! All mine!"

"GET BACK HERE YOU LUNATIC!" Sabertooth roared as he ran over Magneto with murder in his eyes.

"I want my money!" Pyro howled as he stepped on Magneto and chased after his teammates.

"Ohhh," Magneto croaked as he lay twitching on the floor. "I knew I should have stayed in bed today. Ooo, look at the pretty stars..."

"Well that was definitely the worst board game I have ever participated in," Mastermind groaned as he crawled out from under the table. His clothes were scorched and shredded in several places. "Why do I always find myself surrounded by nothing but pain, misery, suffering, destruction and despair?"

"What can I say?" Piotr shrugged at him. "That is life."

Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or The Game of Life.