TRIGGERS: scars, some violence (attempted asphyxiation)

-xxxxxx-

"What's this one?" I ask, running a fingertip over a raised scar on the side of her arm.

"Brutus." Her eyes briefly flicker back and forth between mine. "Lucky his spear got my arm and not my spleen or anything." I smile. "I got his leg before Chaff came in. Then Peeta."

There is a lapse of silence. She touches the scar left from my spleen surgery, her eyes distant. My thumb traces a leaf-shaped spot on her jaw.

"Capitol. Their clubs did most of the talking."

I feel her eyes on me as my fingertips travel to the back of her neck. Her breathing goes still when I touch the circular scar on the nape of her neck. If I hadn't seen it back in District 13 when we first stayed together I never would have known it was there.

She draws her lips between her teeth. The air in the room becomes so still I almost certain I am the only one breathing. I fear I had stumbled into the wrong territory as the silence drags on, but when she speaks, her voice is level.

"That's where I was hooked up to the circuit after being soaked with water. There's two more on my sides and ankles."

"I didn't want to ask."

"You didn't have to." Her hand trembles as she draws circles on my arm, indicating that there was nothing more to be said about the subject. "What's this one?" she asks quietly, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Our cat." My cat. "Buttercup. We didn't really like each other."

"Why not?" Her voice is soft.

"I tried to drown him in a bucket."

She snorts and her eyes stray to my collarbone.

I cover the spot almost self-consciously. "Shrapnel. They were probably picking bits of metal out of me for days."

She pushes my hand out of the way and rubs my collarbone as if there was still debris caught in my skin, her eyebrows furrowed. "How come that's all you've got?"

"These are recent. I was remade after I won my Games. They fixed everything that came before."

"I forgot they did that," she tells me quietly, her hands massaging up my arms. She reaches the lump of a scar on my arm where her knife pierced my skin like a sheet of paper. "Guess they missed a few."

I smile. "Some psychopath attacked me in the forest."

She raises her eyebrows. "A psychopath, huh?"

The words are out before I can stop them. "She saved my life."

She seems startled by my sudden display of sincerity, but her mouth curls as she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. "Well, someone had to do it." Her eyes dart away from mine as she reaches up to brush a few strands of hair out of my face. "You saved mine."

There is a lapse of silence as her words hang in the air. I watch her twist the bed sheets around her fingers for a moment before I decide to speak.

"Don't be going soft on me." I pull her hands away so our fingertips align.

Our eyes meet, and I see the shadow of a smile pulling at her lips despite her dark eyes. "I could say the same to you."

-xxxxxx-

Today I'm not myself

And you, you're someone else

And all these rules don't fit

And all that starts can quit

~"Au Revoir" by OneRepublic

-xxxxxx-

Dawn creeps in from the windows as I stir from dreamless sleep. I blink placidly a few times at the glowing window before turning towards her. Her back faces me, and the sheets cascade around her body, still aside from the steady and gentle breaths that indicate sleep.

In my languid haze, I snuggle closer, breathing in her scent as I gingerly press a kiss onto the exposed bit of skin on the nape of her neck. I don't feel her body tense suddenly as I pull back from the kiss, as I squint my eyes to somewhat wash the drowsiness away, as my eyes focus in on a faint circular scar just beneath the spot my lips had touched moments before.

I have a split second before I realize what I've done. I hear a sharp intake of breath, feel the bed depress and see a hand flying through the air as she whips around to face me. I pull in half a breath before her fingers close around my throat.

The back of my skull hits the headrest from the sheer force of her hand grasping my throa. For one fleeting moment, my instinct tells me to grab the nearest object and bash it into her skull. The next moment, I blink and see Johanna as she cowers over me, her face so close I could only see her eyes as they burn into mine.

I try to ignore the pain blossoming beneath my jaw, the spots in my eyes. My hands grasp at her arm, touching skin, once like velvet beneath my fingertips, now a chilling cold. Fear washes over me and I choke her name out from between my lips—the lips that were pressed against her skin only seconds before. A new, dull pain behind my eyes struck me before I realize there are tears threatening to spill. It is silent aside from my almost pathetic attempts to breathe beneath her.

Her glistening eyes are almost indistinguishable between the spots in my vision, and there is a moment of undeniable clarity in her eyes. It's almost as if a fog lifted, a thunderstorm ended. Her demeanor shatters as the pressure on my neck lifts. Not even thirty seconds had passed since her hand closed around mine but I am gasping for breath, the air rushing into my lungs like water bursting from a dam as my head hits the pillow once more.

I don't hear her over the buzz ringing in my ears, and I lift my head up. She's backed up to the very edge of the bed, her hands clenched into fists and her face hidden behind a fringe of hair. The silence that falls between us is what makes my chest ache with an almost unbearable pain.

The sheets rustle as I pull myself over towards her, the pain in my head slowly ebbing away.

"I almost killed you," I hear her say. Her knuckles are white, and her hands are shaking slightly. "I could have killed you, Katniss, I—"

Her voice cuts off when I take her hands into my own. They feel familiar now, warm between my palms. As I massage her hands apart, watching as the blood is suffused back into her fingers, a few tears escape from her eyes and fall into her lap.

"It's okay," I tell her quietly, resting my head against hers so my lips are beside her ear. "It's okay." Warmth radiates from between our hands as she trembles against me, our heads wrapped around each other as I continue to whisper in her ear to calm her down.

-xxxxxx-

And you know

For you I'd bleed myself dry

~"Yellow" by Coldplay

-xxxxxx-

She remains distant after the incident, farther than I've ever seen her. I find myself reaching for her to hold her hand, bury my fingertips in her hair. Anything to bring her back.

One thing I've noticed is that she doesn't shy away from my touch. But she shows no sign of reciprocation. I only see the dip in her eyebrows, her superficial expressions, the empty look in her eyes. There are many moments where I cannot help but drop a kiss on her forehead, or between her eyes, or on her shoulder. Out of affection. Compassion. The purity of my soul that only she seems to bring out. Just to let her know that I am still here with her.

When we are sitting idly beside each other, I wonder about how patient she was with me after I returned from my mission. About how the silence never seemed to drag when she was with me, how she would hold my hand so that I wouldn't forget I was alone.

Once, during these few days, I think I imagine her leaning forward to accept a kiss on the forehead. Only once.

-x-

The bed is empty when I wake in the middle of the night. There is the faint sound of rain drumming against the house, and I sit up and glance around the room. The lump in my throat dissipates when I see her sitting in front of the window, her eyes staring fixatedly at the droplets running down the glass.

"Johanna?" I pull my arms out from beneath the pillow. "Come back to bed."

The sound of rain replaces the silence once more and I feel the mattress sink as she sits on the edge of the bed.

"Katniss?"

I open my eyes and her back is to me, her head hung low. When she doesn't speak again, I crawl towards her until I'm seated the edge of the bed beside her, the cool floorboards beneath my feet. I turn towards her and try to count the freckles that dot the skin on her shoulders in the darkness.

"Katniss, I'm sorry." Her voice is brittle, and I find her hand amongst the sheets. She grips my palm between her fingers. "I'm sorry."

I lean into her so that my cheek rests on her shoulder and briefly release her hand, moving them so our fingertips touch.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Don't," she says as the words leave my mouth, her voice strained.

I lift my head off of her shoulder and briefly study the silhouette of her face. My fingers interlock with hers.

"You've had plenty of chances to kill me," I say quietly. "Why stop there?"

She is silent. Releasing her hand, I turn so that I am facing her and try to rub some warmth back into her arms, pulling her onto the bed and turning her body to face me in the process.

"You could've died," she says quietly once our bodies are settled.

I stop rubbing her arms and reach up to nudge her chin up to look at me.

"It's going to take a lot more from you to kill me," I say, brushing a few strands of hair out of her face. "Come here."

She looks up at me again, watching as I pull her wrist towards me. Her hand leaves mine and brushes over the bruises on my neck. "Could you accept my apology first?"

I brush her hand away. "I forgive you, Johanna."

There is a moment of stillness and she falls towards me. She entwines herself around my body, her face fitting in the crook my neck as my arms settle around the bend in her back. I breathe her in and lose track of how long we stay wrapped around each other. The rain grows heavier as the night wears on, and her grip on me loosens as she murmurs something into my neck, and I turn my head to press a kiss behind her ear. I pull our bodies back down toward the bed and they fit together like a lock and key.

-xxxxxx-

And you know

You know I love you so

~"Yellow" by Coldplay

-xxxxxx-

What a peculiar state we're in

What a peculiar state we're in

Let's play a game where all of the lives we lead can change

Let's play a game where nothing that we can see, the same

~"Au Revoir" by OneRepublic

-xxxxxx-

A/N: Little surprise update for you guys. I thought I'd upload some things I had saved for a while. Sorry if I went a little OOC or if some parts are hard to imagine. There might me more to come, but I don't know yet. I hope you are all doing well. Thank you to everyone who favorited and follow this story, I appreciate your support. If you want, follow me on Tumblr! My URL is h0gwarts. Free free to say hi and send a message :-)