Author's Note: This has been a long slog-much longer than I ever imagined. Thank you for reading, reviewing and encouraging me throughout the process. I almost gave up more times than I can count. This only got finished because one person believed I could do it and, more importantly, believed I should. This is for her.

"I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do.
My gift is my song and this one's for you...
And you can tell everybody this is your song."

-50-

Friday, March 6, 2015

4:00 p.m.

"How are you, Alex?"

Alex laughed. "If I went to Mars and came back," she joked, "would that still be your first question?"

"Probably," Dr. Jackson said, laughing along with her.

"Why is that?"

"Because that's all I care about, Alex. Your well-being is my only concern. You're the only dog I have in this fight, so to speak."

"I owe you an apology," Alex said.

"No, you don't," Jackson said. "You don't owe me anything."

" I walked out of here in a huff when what you said hit a little too close to the truth, I avoided your calls," Alex recounted. "I behaved like a spoiled brat."

"You came back when you needed to. That's all that matters in the end. Which brings me back to my initial question. How are you?"

"I'm good," Alex said. "I'm really good, actually."

"That's wonderful. I'm happy to hear it. Are you happy?"

"I am," Alex confirmed. "Not 100% of the time, but in general, yes. I'm very happy."

"And Olivia?"

"She's good," Alex said. "Things unraveled, and for a while I didn't think we'd make it. There was always still the slenderest of threads tying us together, though, and when I wanted to give up, she wouldn't let me. We are in counseling together now."

"How's that going?"

"Hard," Alex laughed. "It's hard as hell."

"That's a good sign," Jackson said. "It means you're doing the hard work and digging in."

"We are. We've only had a few sessions, but we're committed to it."

"That's all you can do, you know."

"I realize that now. No matter how much we love each other, it won't ever be perfect. It can't be."

"Exactly," Jackson agreed. "Tell me, Alex. Do you think you're a good person now?"

"You mean have I taken Olivia down off of that pedestal? Yeah, I have. I see now that we are both flawed people who are better together than we are apart."

"That sounds like quite a breakthrough. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you," Alex said. "You had a lot to do with that."

"You did all the work."

"I realized a few things. I spent so long putting Liv on that pedestal that I couldn't allow myself to get up there with her. That's no kind of relationship. With Madeline, on the other hand-I had believed we were equals, but we weren't. At least, she didn't see it that way. The BDSM couldn't work for us because she didn't see me as her equal, not in the bedroom and certainly not outside of it. I've spent too many years expending my energy in the wrong places."

"Is that part of your life over?"

"It is," Alex said, then blushed ever so slightly. "Well, I won't say that Olivia and I aren't willing to explore a power exchange now and again, but it's coming from a place of love and respect. That's how it should be. Olivia loves me, and I know now that Madeline never did."

"Speaking of Madeline, I know you had to testify against her in court. I was very concerned for you."

"More than any other messages you left me, that's when I felt worst about not calling you back. I knew you were concerned, but I just wasn't in a place to spend any more time thinking about it than I already was."

"I understand, Alex. You don't owe me an explanation. I knew it must have been exceedingly difficult for you to go through that."

"It was hell," Alex said. "The prosecutor had her dead to rights on charges of trafficking child porn. It was the oddest thing, really. That's not what she was really doing, of course, but it was a means to an end, and it came back to bite her in the ass. She wasn't going down easy, though."

"She aired a lot of dirty laundry. How did you handle that?"

"I wanted to resign, to be honest. Olivia talked me out of it. She was a rock for me, when she had every right to cast me to the winds. She said America loves a second act, and she was right. In the end, I was honest and it turned out okay. I won't lie-it was humiliating. Having my uncle hear all of that-it was almost too much. He never said one word, though. He's been supportive the whole way."

"And you're still the District Attorney, obviously."

"For now, anyway," Alex laughed. "I don't know if I'll run again. I haven't decided. Part of me can't help but wonder if I would have won were it not for Madeline's interference, knocking Reilly out of the race, but I can't go back in time and find that out. I'll give it a lot of thought next time, and if I want to, I will, and people will either vote for me or they won't. I can't control that."

"For a long time, you've seemed haunted, Alex. I wonder now if the ghost that was haunting you was Madeline?"

"Yes and no. The ghost wasn't her, exactly, or even that relationship. It was the part of me that I gave up to be with her, years ago and again last year. It's not haunting me anymore."

"I'm very glad to hear it. What you've done is amazingly courageous, you know. You could have refused to testify-she probably would have gone to jail anyway. You could have denied the stories she was telling, but you didn't. You owned it, and you let people form their own opinions."

"How other people see me is none of my business, right?"

"Exactly," Jackson smiled.

"I wavered a bit. When I went up to testify, I walked past her at the defense table and she spoke to me, which shook me a bit."

"What did she say?"

"She said, 'Darling, do what you came here to do.'"

"Isn't that what Jesus said to Judas?"

Alex smiled. "I didn't know you were a Biblical scholar, Dr. Jackson."

"Years of Catholic school," the doctor answered.

"You're right, of course," Alex said. "That's also what I said to Madeline the night of our first encounter last September, the first night I allowed her to discipline me again. Her saying that in court wasn't a coincidence. She forgets nothing."

"And did you respond to her?"

"I didn't. I said all that I needed to say on the witness stand. I was done with her. If that was a betrayal, I was happy to play Judas that day."

"Those who don't know the value of loyalty can never appreciate the cost of betrayal," Jackson quoted. "Good for you. Will she be in jail for long?"

"Oh, probably not. There are already appeals pending, but I don't care. I'll deal with it as it comes. What Madeline did was unforgivable-not just what she did to me, but what she did to everyone. She didn't care who she had to run over."

"Have you given any thought to why she went to so much trouble?"

"My initial instinct was that she planned to use me-to use my position somehow-but that wasn't it. I was the one who got away, I think. Being able to exert power over a powerful person was just too tempting for her."

"Do you feel powerful?"

"I don't know that I'd say that, exactly. I feel strong, though. Finally."

"You are strong, Alex. Just remember-you being strong doesn't mean you're invincible."

"I won't forget that," she promised. "You had asked me once if I'd ever been evaluated for PTSD, and I have to admit I laughed it off."

"You did," Jackson recalled.

"It seemed absurd. That's for soldiers and cops, people who face danger every day."

"It's also for victims of violent crime, Alex, especially when the trauma of that experience plays out over several years."

"I know that now," Alex said. "For a long time, I didn't want to admit I was a victim of anything."

"And have you changed your feelings about that?"

"I have. I think that's part of feeling strong. I thought admitting I'd been victimized would make me weak, but denying it has caused me more pain than I could have imagined. I've dealt with it haltingly over the years, in fits and starts, but when the couples therapist asked about it, it reminded me of the conversation you and I had so long ago, and I realized that not acknowledging the issue is making it that much harder to overcome."

"That's a big deal, Alex."

"It is," Alex said. "I think I'm ready to come out of the dark."

"Good," Jackson said. "You deserve that."

"Thank you for seeing me today, so long after I vanished."

"It's my pleasure. Would you like to make another appointment?"

"No, not right now, but soon," Alex said. "I want to do some more work together with Olivia, and then I think I'll be ready to spend some more time on me."

"The door is open," Jackson said. "I'm here anytime."

Friday, March 6, 2015

6:00 p.m.

Olivia walked in the door at six on the dot. Making-and keeping-regular dates was just a small part of their commitment to their marriage, but it was a part that Alex took particular pleasure in. Knowing that what she considered her darkest secret, and her worst mistake, was out in the open, and that Olivia still loved her-had been very liberating. She had a new lease on life, almost. They still had problems, and their jobs were still demanding, but they made plans and kept them as often as humanly possible, and it was making a huge difference for both of them.

They planned to have dinner and see a movie tonight, but when Olivia got home she had something on her mind other than food. She walked in and kissed Alex deeply before even saying hello.

Every time they kissed, Alex was reminded how close she'd come to blowing it all, and how happy she was that she hadn't. After a moment, they came up for air.

"Welcome home, Sergeant."

"I've missed you, honey."

"Oh, I missed you, too."

"Show me," Liv said.

"Mmm, I'd be happy to," Alex said. They wasted no time lighting candles or slipping between the sheets. Their hunger was stoked and they consumed one another greedily and with abandon. Alex's hands were everywhere, running beneath Olivia's shirt, unfastening her bra and roughly grasping at her breasts as they continued kissing. Olivia's own hands dropped to Alex's ass and pulled their bodies together tightly, eliciting a moan as the friction of the embrace stimulated Alex's already-swollen clit.

Olivia sighed heavily when Alex ceased her explorations but was relieved when those strong hands slipped down to her waist and undid her belt and unbuttoned her pants. In just a second, Olivia felt the palm of Alex's hand against her stomach, then moving downward with purpose. Alex slipped inside Olivia's panties and into her folds.

"Jesus, you're wet," she said, breaking their kiss. She pulled her hand up between their lips and licked her fingers off as Olivia looked on with desire that was increasing by the second.

"Fuck me, Alex," she whispered. "Please."

"Yes, ma'am," Alex said. Her hand retraced the same path and was inside Olivia just a second or two later. She easily inserted three fingers and curled them, making contact with the bundle of nerves she found there. Olivia shuddered. The heel of Alex's hand was rocking back and forth against Olivia's clit as she stroked in and out of the hot, wet cunt. She was biting Olivia's lip between kisses and using her left hand to hold their bodies close together, making sure that she was getting the maximum effect from every stroke of her fingers, pumping in and out, faster and faster, as Olivia begged.

"Come for me, baby," Alex urged. "Give this to me."

Olivia complied, coming hard and fast, the contractions of her muscles around Alex's hand providing a welcome release for both of them.

Moments later, they were on the couch, clothes stripped and discarded on the floor as Olivia eagerly lapped up Alex's honey, using her tongue to tease and stroke Alex's clit while she filled her wife, fucking her with slow deep strokes. Alex lasted as long as she could; Olivia had brought her so quickly to the edge, and she wanted to make it last, clinging to that precipice until letting go was all she could do. The sense of peace and euphoria that flooded her body as she reached orgasm was worth the wait, and as the waves subsided, they curled up together and pulled a blanket up.

After a few moments, cuddled close together, Alex spoke.

"Olivia?"

Olivia was wrapped around her wife from behind, her own mouth next to Alex's ear, and she whispered back. "Let me guess," she laughed. "You're hungry."

"No," Alex said. "Well, yes." She laughed too. "But that's not what I was going to say."

"What is it, honey?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Alex. More every day." She paused a moment. "That's why I left SVU."

Alex sat up suddenly and looked down at her wife's face.

"You what?" That wasn't a job for Olivia-it was who she was, not what she did. "You're kidding."

"I'm not."

"I don't understand."

"I'm going back to computer crimes. I don't need to worry you anymore. When I was talking to Bauer last year, I realized how much I had enjoyed that. More and more crime, even crime involving special victims, has a cyber component. I'll still be putting bad guys away, I just won't have to be out on the street all the time to do it. I think it will be good for me, and for you. Less conflict of interest."

"Don't do this for me, baby."

"You're not happy?"

"Oh, no," Alex said. "I'm happy if you're happy. But I don't want you to give up what you love just to save me a little worry."

"I'm doing it for me, too, and for us. I'm excited about it, Alex. I've been thinking about it for a long time. Ironically, my talks with Chael Bauer started the wheels turning."

"You didn't say anything."

"I didn't want you to try to talk me out of it," she said. "I was pretty sure. And I'm happy about it. When you run for office again, maybe it'll be a little easier if I'm not always seen as a conflict of interest."

"If I run…" Alex corrected her.

"When," Olivia laughed. "It'll happen, but we can cross that bridge when we come to it."

"Always more bridges to cross," Alex said.

"Always more," Liv agreed.

"What happens if we get to a river that has no bridge?" Alex asked.

"We do what we've always done," Liv said confidently. "We stop and build one."

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