Le notes: Speculations about what other things Hayley read about in Elijah's diaries. Kind of AU, but not really. Disregards the ending of 1x06. Beware, I have been bestowed upon with the title of 'queen of angst' so you're in for a rather depressing plot line. Elejah is also one of my otp's so I just had to sprinkle it in here. Haylijah is growing on me though, and so is Klayley (ah, I'm so torn).
Summary: She remembers awakening one morning and finding everything smeared with the color of forgotten love. —-ElijahHayley, mentions of ElijahTatia, EljahKatherine, and ElijahElena
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stop me if you've heard this one before
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"this incompleteness is all we have."
—Charles Bukowski
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The spaces between before, now, and later are all affected by a long connection which is neither controllable but, nor is it replaceable. The past —as pretentious as this may sound— is a black hole that consumes any individual who thinks of it. Like those nights spent wide awake, thinking about the 'has-beens' of yesterday, last month, or three years ago. Or, in Elijah's case, centuries and perhaps even a millennia are in question. Then of course, there's the present: a miserable moment between before and after. Miserable because it's a limbo, a space where one is eternally in doubt since the events to come are unpredictable and frightening. This is when the future comes in handy —well, it would come in handy— if one knew what the future held.
Elijah's future, he thinks, is linked to his past. Which was a brown haired and brown eyed girl with a toxic smile and a long line of lovers. Tatia must have been a phase because Katharina was a phase and so was Elena. And it only makes sense since falling in love with the girls who wear the same faces is like a bad habit he can't break. New Orleans is well…new so he presumes that it is a chance for him to start fresh. But, Hayley Marshall still has those same dark Petrova eyes that trap him, over and over again. And suddenly, Elijah understands why Niklaus had picked her.
She's continuously suspicious, and she's insane, and she's beautiful. She's humorous and witty and easily irritated. However, Elijah somehow manages not to annoy her and she thinks he's her savior even though he's a dangerous, thousand year old vampire. Then again, once Niklaus daggers him and he disappears, surprisingly, she mourns him. He's constantly on her mind, so much so that she actually pulls out his journals and invades his privacy. Elijah was everything, her sense of hope and a trick of light, until he wasn't because he was gone. So the journals were all she had left of him. Thus, Elijah became something she desperately needed to figure out, but now she has, and she really wishes she hadn't.
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/ / /
She spends endless nights engulfed between his words, of love so cruel and passionate that he betrays his brother's trust for it. Elijah is a fool in love, even though Hayley believes that 'fool' is much too cruel a word for a man so honest. Despite this factor, Elijah is the one who utilizes this term much too often within his journal entries.
It takes her a while to arrive to the large portion of the diary dedicated to a woman once called Katharina, now Katherine, and Hayley slowly finds herself intrigued. More importantly, she finds herself jealous, over a man and a woman and a relationship she barely understands. She begins to piece together the entire puzzle when the original vampire writes about the Gilbert girl and her sense of compassion which gave birth to great admiration.
And it all leads back to the doppelganger he first fell for, the one who arrived at his village, back in the 10th century, with another man's seed in her belly. All of a sudden, Hayley Marshall comes to the realization that perhaps what he sees in her is not at all what she thinks.
It's not because she's Hayley —protective, tough as nails, impulsive, and manipulative— it's because she reminds him of someone he thinks she is.
And quite honestly, that's not even the worst part.
"Hayley," he speaks to her in a tone so fond and bright that she thinks she just might fall for his act. "I apologize for disturbing your slumber," she supposes that it fails to make a significant difference; she hasn't been sleeping so well lately anyway (with her mind occupied with thoughts about a man whom she thought she knew). "But I seem to have misplaced a few of my…belongings," her guilt ridden face proves her at fault, "I don't suppose you've seen any of my journals lying around?"
She rolls her eyes and gets back in to her sheets. "How should I know where you put your journals?" She lies, loosing herself at every one of his ignored words, and she tucks her sorrows away in to the back of her mind until she falls fast asleep.
After all, Hayley Marshall knows that she isn't a love story, so why would she let Elijah Mikaelson come any closer towards her anyway?
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/ / /
Later that night, she sneaks back in and places the diaries inside the basement. She figures she doesn't want to know anymore, she's read enough. Although, that is a complete and utter lie. The truth was that her curiosity was eating her alive; she found his words hypnotizing, as if they were placing her under a spell. She really wants to know, what makes him fall for these women with impure motives, what makes him believe in such large amounts of forgiveness, and what makes him so sure that people always redeem themselves despite all of the mistakes they've made. It shocks her, how honorable he is. And sometimes, she catches herself lost in her admiration towards him, and she's wishing that maybe, someday, she could be something like him. But she's no Katherine Pierce, and she's definitely no Elena Gilbert, so instead, Hayley Marshall simply ignores her heart.
She doesn't know if she can handle these comparisons regardless of it all. She thinks that a lifetime of loneliness sounds a lot harder than time spent with a man who will never see the real her. Or perhaps, they are equally matched. Maybe, both ends of the string are just as terrible. And it didn't matter which side she picked.
She knows where this is going, where they are going, and it's unavoidable and truly heartbreaking.
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/ / /
He feels lost the night she finds him up until four in the morning. He's…reading, oddly enough. And he's in his pajamas, which is a scene that she's never seen before (they're light blue with stripes and they suit him very well). He's curled in to a corner beside the fireplace with Hemmingway's novels stacked up by his lap. She sits by his side because he looks just as confused as she does. Strangely, Hayley finds comfort in their common ground, despite her incapability to comprehend his past and his sort-of attraction towards her.
"You look," he catches her gaze and she realizes just how much sadness he carries within his eyes, "like you need a drink." She brushes it off with senseless words, as she points to the old bottle of wine lying by the shelves.
Elijah chuckles, fondly but sadistically, and she's proud for she made him laugh. What she doesn't expect is for him to actually reach out and grab that bottle of wine and drink himself silly. She thought that vampires couldn't get all that drunk. But then, a thought dawns on her. Perhaps, Elijah's calm demeanor is merely a façade, for inside, lies a man who is as broken as she is.
"Have you ever craved normality, Hayley?" He questions, in a drunken haze, waving his fingers in a circle as though he was casting a spell on her.
"Normality?" Hayley repeats, trying to understand the term. "Normality," she says, with more authority in her tone. As though, repeating the word, again and again, will allow her to remember what it was like to actually be normal. "Do you want to be normal now? Is that why you've been acting so weird lately?"
"I want," Elijah begins, breaking her from her train of thought, "I have absolutely no idea what I want." He smiles, foolishly.
She sighs, unable to understand him at all. However, his smile looks quite broken. And then, she guesses that he too must have been normal, at some point in time. "Elijah, I don't know how you would define the term 'normal', but I don't think that I know anyone who fits my definition of normality. Not that I know that many people, considering the fact that I'm locked up in this house a lot."
She stops speaking when she notices the fact that he's dozed off. Unintentionally, she fails to feel all that insulted. Instead, she is relieved that he has finally been able to defeat his sense of insomnia. Then, his words dawn on her. If they were 'normal', he'd be lying on her lap and she'd be stroking his hairs. He'd be telling her countless stories and she'd be laughing until sunrise. It'd be raining, because rain is romantic and clichéd but, isn't that what all 'normal' girls want?
But she's not normal regardless of it all; she knows that this is not the way that it's going to end. Instead, she watches him sleep and he mumbles her name while he remains dormant.
She wonders if it means anything. She figures it doesn't.
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/ / /
That's not the first time that they fall asleep beside each other. It happens quite often. They lie shoulder to shoulder, and only manage to sleep because she knows the dangers of getting too attached. Not that he would ever make any moves to touch her without her explicit permission. It's just habitual, men who are ruthless and passionate, and insane and dangerous. The ones who drive her wild and consume her whole, those are the only types of men she knows. She doesn't get Elijah and she hates that as of now, her sheets permanently smell like him.
When she wakes up, he is gone. And she doesn't even call him in order to ask where he went. She knows how he can be, and so she slides under the covers and closes her eyes, breathing heavily.
He smells like the ocean.
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/ / /
Elijah likes the way she smiles; it's genuine and pretty and he thinks that maybe, it's enough to shake his heart. Sometimes, he wishes she would smile more because she looks captivating. She makes his eyes light up and his heart stop. Sometimes, it scares him. How much he cares for her. And he barely knows her. At first, he didn't understand. It was as if he suddenly became infatuated with this girl who clearly did not belong to him. However, it seems that Niklaus has been able to tear away any little bit of happiness he may come across. Perhaps, Hayley Marshall could have been the one that—
No.
She couldn't. Because in reality, she really does remind him of someone. His source of infatuation towards her did not stem from nowhere.
It seems that no matter which way he runs, Mystic Falls or Louisiana, he still can't escape her ghost.
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/ / /
For days, Hayley keeps her distance from all traces of him and his ever-so confusing past. The names of the girls whom she thinks she resembles are never mentioned a-loud but, she can see the letters printed on paper whenever she happens to close her eyes. And she wants to forget everything she's read but it's eternally imprinted in to her mind. She wants to put her feelings aside so she no longer has to get hurt. She wants to dismiss Elijah from her brain, to obliterate him from her memory.
Instead, she dreams about him.
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/ / /
Elijah doesn't remember who he is anymore.
He takes long walks in order to try to return to that sense of normality and nostalgia that he so desperately craves. He thinks that by fixing his brother, perhaps he will find his past and by protecting Hayley, perhaps he will find his future. Suddenly, he realizes that the wolf girl is his antonym; she is nothing like him and yet, he yearns for her soul. He's a man who dreams with eyes closed. While she is on the other end of the spectrum. She dreams with her eyes wide open; old memories of summer breezes are swirling within her bright green irises. She observes with such a beautiful freedom; she's fearless and brilliant.
Hayley would deny him if she had heard any of his thoughts.
Because he's much too scared to pry his eyelids open since he's afraid to look at her. He can't help but notice how she looks back at him. And her eyes are filled with hopes and dreams; he doesn't think that he can meet her expectations.
He's right though, she wishes he wasn't.
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/ / /
Whenever she cries herself to sleep, which is quite often, he holds her close. But she almost always pushes him away. Truth be told, she finds herself cruel. It seems like Elijah is only concerned with her safety Still, Hayley is paranoid and she read his fucking journal. So she knows who he's thinking about when he looks in to her eyes. He sees beyond her soul, to an extension of his memories of a life which could have been possible for him. Except it is centuries too late for his happily ever after.
She can't stand how melodic his breaths are, they lull her to sleep from time to time. Consequently, she might even feel at peace without even noticing his arm wrapped around her waist. This is proven to be her weakness, because she gets up with her scream caught in her lungs.
She remembers awakening one morning and finding everything smeared with the color of forgotten love.
He sees the tears streaming down her face, and so, he leans in.
He can't stop himself from what he's about to do.
"Don't," she tells him instead. Hayley places her fingers before his lips. Almost immediately, Elijah's eyes are wide-open. "Don't do this to me." She orders, her voice filled with pain. "You don't get to do this to me, Elijah." She wants to cry because she has to be this heartless in order to keep herself protected. It kills her because he's one of the good ones, he really is.
If only he could belong to her.
She's never had anything of her own before. So she thinks that if she had him, she would cherish him until the end of time.
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/ / /
In the morning light, she awakens before he does.
The repetition and standardization of their so-called relationship starts to irritate her. She's certain he's used to it, considering his history and all. She observes his sleeping body lying by her side and she wonders if ever dreams about the women before her. The sheets drape over her shoulders, her mascara and eyeliner stream down her cheeks because of her tears. Her hands shake uncontrollably as she slips out of their bed (it used to be her bed).
He sleeps at the edge of the bed, almost falling off and he's as far away from her as possible.
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/ / /
When he opens his eyes, she's looking to him with dark Petrova lashes and he realizes that he's not at all surprised by it.
"You're in love with this girl you met centuries ago." She reveals, avoiding his gaze in the process. "But I'm not that girl Elijah," she hears an earthshattering sigh, "and I never will be." Finally, she releases his hand. "You should just give up before we both end up with broken hearts."
She departs without hearing his reply. She feels the tears building up inside of her, desperately trying to get out. She runs before he receives a chance to see her cry. He decides that he won't chase after her.
She deserves better, after all.
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/ / /
Hayley Marshall wishes that he could see the real her, and not some carbon copy of the girls from his past. She knows though, that he can tell her apart from the others. That even though she's this girl who's split between two brothers, who carries this darkness with her wherever she goes, who's been abandoned, and who's been torn apart, she's still not one of them. They may have many similarities, countless common traits, buy Hayley knows that her face is her own. And Elijah won't reduce her in to thinking that she's anything like his past. She should hate him for placing this curse upon her.
Strangely, she doesn't.
She thinks she might just love him. And love him even more for making her hate. It's because her hate has not only made her realize the extent of her love in comparison to it, it's made her want something. Something more than just 'survival' or 'protection'. She desires a life, with a home and a warm family. She craves the picture-perfect lifestyle of once-upon-a-time boys and girls who live the simplest of lives. She envies humanity and all its clarities.
She wants to be normal, just like he does.
And she wonders if he could ever offer her that chance at a normal life with a house on the prairie and a white picket-fence.
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/ / /
He could love her, he concludes, if he hadn't been so broken and scared.
She could love him too, he decides. He's unaware of the fact that she's already grown much too fond of his company.
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/ / /
In the end, she runs because they are far too different from one another. While she wants to escape her dreadful past and run towards a bright and shiny future, he wants to drown himself in his memories. And he wants to rebuild his history through his family, and through her. He wants what he missed out on having because his mother turned him in to this monster. He is an apocalypse, she discovers, as he is unavoidable and destructive.
That morning, when she returns home from an entire night of wandering around, aimlessly, she finds a note by her bedside table.
You were right; he writes in scribbles, you were right about me. I can't rebuild what's been lost and I never stop trying to do so.
She stops reading because she wonders if she can keep this up without breaking in to pieces anytime soon.
But I think I could change.
Without thought, she drops the note. And as it tumbles towards the floor, she asks herself just how much she's willing to sacrifice for a man who falls in to heartbreaks more often than he should.
All she reads is this:
And I think that you could be the one to change me.
She wonders if it's all right for her to want him, despite the fact that he's flawed and broken.
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/ / /
When she finally returns to him, he places a kiss upon her cheek. And his lips are so devastatingly soft that they almost make her cry.
The note he had so carefully written is then burnt to a crisp, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
After all, she hasn't trusted her heart with anybody in years, why in the world would she start now with a man so fickle and lost that he can no longer tell right from wrong?
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End
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Le more notes: Oh dear, I seriously suck at endings. But I've re-written this like ten times and this is the best I could come up with. So review anyway? Don't forget to follow me on tumblr (link on my profile).
—Xoxo Carter