Chapter 8
The Interrogation

It wasn't until Kyle was home safe in his room that he realized just how paranoid he'd been that something would come out of nowhere and rub him out. He sunk onto his bed and buried his face into the palms of his trembling hands. He sat for a long moment in silence.

Nerves finally soothed, he crossed over to his desk and set himself to the task of transcribing Kenny's notes. By the time he was halfway through it, Kenny's worst fears were realized and Kyle became convinced that Cartman was somehow culpable. He just couldn't ignore the fact that the curse - for want of a better word - was likely tied to the cult of Cthulhu and Cartman had fucking tamed the cult's deity.

He was on the verge of texting Kenny about his new-found certainty when a wrecking ball crashed through his room, once again resulting in his immediate death by crushing.

Kyle experienced this death like a blackout, and when he woke up the next day, he was surprised to find himself on the couch.

"Oh, good, bubbee, you're up!" said Sheila, bustling past him as he sat up. "I was just about to get going on breakfast. How do eggs and hash browns sound?"

"Uh - great, Mom," said Kyle, rubbing his eyes. "Hey, why am I in the living room?"

"What do you mean, Kyle?" she asked, her eyebrows twitching together in confusion.

Kyle frowned. "I mean - why am I not sleeping in my own bed?"

"Bubbee, that whole side of the house was destroyed."

"What?!"

Sheila looked concerned. Kyle remembered that just yesterday he had told her that he thought he was going insane. It seemed he was doing a good job of confirming it. "Wait - oh yeah! I remember now. Sorry, Mom. It's just early."

Sheila narrowed her eyes. "Okay, bubbee. Just... get ready for school."

Kyle threw off his comforter, feeling the beginnings of frustration. He wanted to know what had happened to his house, but how could he ask without seeming like a complete lunatic?

Luckily, the morning conversation was more than enough to fill him in. Gerald was beside himself. "Can you believe Mily Cyrus's film crew got the wrong address? Hah!" he laughed through a mouthful of hash browns. "You watch, Sheila. This won't even go to court. Just give me a meeting with them, and I'll have them paying out their asses."

"Gerald!" said Sheila in a disapproving tone of voice.

"Sorry, dear. But I really do think this is the best thing that could have happened to this family. Sorry about your room, Kyle, but when we rebuild, we'll get you whatever sort of add-on you'd like. And Ike, we can finally get you that laser projector you've always wanted!"

"Sounds great, Dad," said Kyle while Ike gurgled excitedly.

Hadn't he died in the accident? It was weird and nettling to hear his father be so chipper about the whole thing.

"I'm just glad my little bubalas weren't hurt!" said Sheila as though on queue. "I don't know what I would have done if anything had happened to them!"

"Yes, yes," said Gerald rather dismissively. "We should all count our stars. Right to the bank. Hah-hah!"

Kyle shot Kenny a text message under the table telling him to meet him at the bus stop early, then shoveled the rest of his breakfast into his mouth and hurried off. Kenny must have hauled-ass as well, because he was there when Kyle arrived.

"Mmr, Mrl," he greeted.

"Hey, Kenny," said Kyle. "So I combed through your notes last night. You coulda told me this had something to do with Cthulu. I mean - Cartman tamed him - the fucking harbinger of chaos. How does that not flat out confirm your theory?"

"Mmr mrph mrree."

"Just an idea? Really, Kenny, what more proof do you need? Whatever - He'll talk. Cartman likes to act tough, but he's a pussy. We just need to corner him and threaten him a bit."

Kenny raised an eyebrow, and Kyle knew why. A scared and threatened Cartman was liable to do anything. "Do you have any better ideas?"

To Kyle's shock and horror, Kenny unzipped his parka and pulled a revolver out from an inside pocket.

"Holy fuck, dude!" Kyle took a step backwards. "Why the fuck do you have a gun? We can't just shoot Cartman!"

Kenny shrugged. "Mrph rm rmrmrphn mrknrk?"

"Dude, that better not be loaded."

Kenny held out the gun for Kyle to inspect, showing him that the safety was on.

"Okay," said Kyle, satisfied. He was uneasy with the idea of bringing a gun to school, but Kenny seemed wholly unconcerned, so Kyle figured it was probably something he did often. Such flippant disregard of such an important rule was uncharacteristic of Kyle, but intuitively he knew that nothing short of a gun would get the truth out of Cartman if he didn't want them to know something.

"So how are we going get him alone?" Kenny just looked at him blankly. "Well," said Kyle, "I guess it doesn't really matter. That idiot will pretty much fall for anything. We can just tell him Mel Gibson is signing autographs behind the bleachers or someth - "

Kyle was going to expand on his plan, but just then Stan arrived. "Hey, guys," he greeted. "Sorry about your house, Kyle."

For a split second Kyle wasn't sure what Stan was talking about.

"Oh - uh..." Kyle blinked, remembering. Stan stared at him. "Yeah. That was... really shitty. But it's okay! My dad's going to sue them for a truckload of money, so..."

Kenny looked at him inquisitively.

"Some wrecking crew got the wrong address," Kyle explained. "Destroyed my whole bedroom."

There was an instant flash of comprehension in Kenny's eyes.

"Yeah," said Kyle, nodding fervently. "I didn't even go to hell that time. Not that I'm complaining, but what's up with that?"

"What?" said Stan.

Kyle was spared answering by the arrival of their fattest friend. "Hey, Stan. Hey, Kenny. Hey, Jew."

"(Hey, Cartman,)" said Stan and Kenny simultaneously while Kyle glowered.

"Hey, Kahl. I heard about your house,' he snickered.

"Yeah, well, my dad's a lawyer and he's going to make them pay out their asses, so you can just eat it, fat ass."

"How much are you getting?" Cartman demanded.

"Fuck off, fat ass."

"Don't be a sneaky Jew, Kahl! Now how much?"

"More money than you'll ever see, you fat piece of fuck!" Never mind that the putz had once inherited a million dollars.

They bickered all the way to school. Kyle had no idea what sort of settlement his father was looking at, but he knew it would irritate Cartman to feel out of the loop.

"Typical fucking Jew!" Cartman erupted as they filed off the bus and made their way to class. "Fucking economic parasites, all of you! A minority race of common criminals hell-bent on majority control! When will you be happy, Kahl? When you've sucked the world dry like the vampire you are and children starve while you take your spoils from their mother's teat!? Then, Kahl, then will you be happy?"

"Yes, Cartman," Kyle deadpanned. "Then I will be happy."

"You fucking Jew."

He might have said more, but Mr. Garrison was calling for attention.

A few short minutes later, Cartman was losing interest in the lecture and Kenny leaned in towards him and whispered into his ear.

Cartman's eyes widened. "I knew it."

When the bell rang for recess, Stan and Kyle went one way (Kyle catching Kenny's eyes just before they parted), and Cartman and Kenny went another.

"So, he likes to count his Jew gold behind the bleachers?" said Cartman, rubbing his hands together, eyes shifting. Kenny suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. Cartman had always been astonishingly easy to trick. "I always knew Kahl had a stash he was hiding from us. His friends! Can you believe it? Greedy Jew. You made the right decision telling me, Kenny. We'll split it right down the middle, 80-20." Kenny shot him a dirty look. "What, Kinny?" he erupted. "You don't want to come into too much money at once, you poor piece of shit! That much green can shock the system. Pft - knowing you, you'd probably die of a heart attack or something. I'm only looking out for you."

"Mr mum on," said Kenny, shunting him forward.

"Alright, alright," said Cartman, shaking him off. "You don't have to touch me. I just washed this jacket."

Kyle must have shaken Stan right out of the classroom, because he was there upon arrival.

"Hey, Kahl," said Cartman venomously.

"Fat ass," said Kyle, his tone cordial.

"Jig's up, Kahl. Kenny told me everything. Now where's the gold?!"

"The what?"

"The gold, Kahl! Your dirty Jew gold!"

"There is no gold, you moron!"

"Wh - no gold?" Cartman looked at Kenny for support. "Yeah there is. Kenny said so."

"There is no gold, you fat piece of shit! Now shut up! We want answers , Cartman, and you're going to give them to us!" Kyle wanted to sound tough, but all it took was Cartman quirking an eyebrow to realize he sounded like a complete tool.

"Okay," he replied slowly, then, "Screw you guys. I'm go - "

He had just spun on his heel to leave when he broke off. Kenny had his revolver out, and it was pointed right at him. He stepped back, but Kenny only stepped forward with Kyle closing in behind him. Soon, he was pressed against a wall with no means of escape. "What the crap is this?" He spoke in his usual respect-my-authoritay tone of voice, but his eyes flitted between Kyle, Kenny, and the Gun. Kenny could see the sweat beading on his forehead.

Kyle grabbed him by the front of his jacket and shook him. "Tell us what you did, fat ass! We know it was you!" Cartman's head made a hollow thump as it hit the wall. Kenny and Kyle agreed their questions had to be vague in order for them to trust his answers.

"What the hell, KAHL!"

Kyle shook him again. "DON'T PLAY DUMB, FAT ASS!"

"Mmr!" Kenny agreed. "Mr m'rl mnnd mm mrmrrph mrr mrrth!"

"He'll do it!" said Kyle.

"Let me go, you stupid Jew! MR. GARRISON! MR. MACKEY! PRINCIPLE VICTORIA! SOMEBO - "

He broke off abruptly, eyes widening in shock and fear. Kenny had just pressed the barrel of his gun into Cartman's temple.

"Does it get you off, Cartman?" Kyle spat. "Seeing people die? Well today you talk or you die."

"Y-you shouldn't threaten me, Kyle," Cartman stuttered. "I-I'll tell on you, you stupid Jew!"

Kyle bopped him in the ear. Not hard, but Cartman began to snivel all the same.

"Shut up!" Kyle hissed. They could not afford for a teacher to hear them. That would just be too hard to explain.

"Why are you guys being so mean to me?" Cartman sobbed. "Is it 'cause you're jealous that I'm so kewl?"

Kyle and Kenny exchanged exasperated glances.

"Just admit it! Admit what you did! Tell us, fat ass!" Kyle shook him again, and Cartman felt the revolver's cold, metal bite sink in deeper.

"Tell you what? What do you think I did?"

Kenny took over, grabbing Cartman by the front of his shirt and using his hand to shove the barrel of the gun into Cartman's double chin. "Mrlk!"

"Okay!" Cartman shouted. "I switched out Kyle's shampoo with Nair's hair removal cream. I thought I was doing you a favor! Anything's better than being a ginger or having a Jew fro."

"No, not that - wait... you did what?"

Cartman stared, now looking thoroughly confused. "Uh - what is this about?"

Kyle ripped off his green ushanka and ran his fingers through his hair. He frowned down at his hand for a second before replacing his hat on his head, apparently satisfied that he wasn't going bald. "You put Nair's hair removal cream in my shampoo?" asked Kyle in disbelief. Did his evil know no bounds? "What the hell his wrong with you, fat ass?"

"Ey! Stop calling me fat! Obviously you haven't taken a shower yet - you dirty Jew - so what's the problem?" Kenny increased the gun's pressure. "G-guys," Cartman chocked, "let's be reasonable here - "

"MRO!" Kenny shouted, fed up. "Mrr mrl uth mrt mroo mro mm mrl mrph mr mrrn urp mrr mrph nnd mmmro mroo mrrphrrn mro mrr mrr mrph."

"Jesus Christ, dude!" shouted Cartman.

Even Kyle thought that threat was a bit much, but he played along anyways. "He'll do it! He's crazy!"

"Mmr!"

Kenny took the opportunity to gesture dramatically with the gun. Then there was a "piew" sound, then the ring of metal on metal, then a muffled 'mmph.' The gun had mysteriously discharged, ricocheted off of a metal support beam, and hit Kyle in the gut.

Kenny looked down at the gun, vaguely surprised, then looked at Kyle.

Kenny acted without thinking. Acted because he could see the dawning horror in Kyle's eyes as he clutched at his stomach, blood - dark and deep - oozing out between his fingers. Acted because Kyle had opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a choked gurgling as blood bubbled out from his mouth. Acted because Kenny had felt that pain before himself.

Pointing his gun between Kyle's eyes, Kenny pulled the trigger. There was another "piew" sound, then the top of Kyle's head seemed to vanish in an explosion of blood, brain, and skull fragments.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD! YOU KILLED KYLE!"

Kenny rounded on him. He had a firm grasp on his gun, but his hand now shook. He met Cartman's eyes without flinching. They were wide with shock and fear, and red from crying. But they were also blue. Kenny recognized that particular shade of blue as his own. Cartman had helped himself to one of the past-Kenny's eyes after a botched corrective eye surgery. Kenny had confronted him on the matter, but Cartman had dismissively called him crazy no matter what proof Kenny presented.

Cartman just played dumb. Well not today. Today Cartman would talk. Kyle's death was... unfortunate, but Kenny had a feeling a he could use it to his advantage.

"Mrph mrph mrm mrphmrph, mrph?" He tried psyching Cartman out by giving him a dead-eyed stare.

Cartman swallowed. "Y-yes."

"Mrf mrrphmrr, mro mrph mrr mrpt mr mrrphmrph mrph." Just to emphasize his point, he kicked the life-less corpse of their dearly departed comrade.

Cartman whimpered. "But I don't - "

Kenny kicked him. "MRNT MRRPH MRR!"

Cartman slid down the wall and pulled his legs into his chest, curling into a fetal position. He broke down, sobs shaking his whole body. "Oh, God! WHY? Why like this? So pointless! So meaningless! Kenny goes postal and I have to die? Me? I mean - Kyle I kinda get, but ME?"

Kenny rolled his eyes. "Mmrt rp, mrd mm."

Cartman choked down the rest of his words.

Looking at him now, it was hard to believe that he knew or remembered anything. Kenny slumped against the wall, turning the gun over in his hands, Cartman's continued sobbing barely registering.

"Mr mroo mrphmrf mrf?"

"Yes," Cartman nodded as two fresh tears ran down his fat face. "Whatever you want."

The bell that signaled the end of recess rang. Kenny gestured with his gun, and Cartman clambered to his feet. He threw Kenny a side-long glance before walking in front of him. Kenny grimaced at Kyle's body once before following.

"Mro, Mrtmnn," Kenny said, falling in step beside him. "Mr mrd mroo moo mrrnng mrrmrph?"

"Uh - I had explosive diarrhea. I was in the bathroom the whole time."

Kenny stared.

"What, Kinny?" Cartman snapped. "What am I supposed to say?"

Kenny shrugged. He opened the door to Mr. Garrison's classroom, letting Cartman go ahead of him.

"Dude, where were you guys?" asked Stan when they sat down.

"We had explosive diarrhea," Cartman supplied to Kenny's chagrin.

"Uh... okay... Where's Kyle?"

"Still shitting."

Stan blinked. "Is he... okay?"

"Yeah. He's fine. Probably just had too much Chipotle."

"When did he eat Chipotle?"

"Jesus fucking Christ, Stan - I'm not your boyfriend's keeper, okay?"

Kenny thought he wouldn't be able to relax all day with Kyle's death weighing on him, but mere minutes into Mr. Garrison's lecture on "Disney Stars Gone Wild," Kenny fell into the old habit of drawing boobies in the margin of his notebook. There really was no point in worrying about Cartman, and Kyle's death seemed... incidental.

This sort of imposed apathy might have gone unnoticed, but the small part of Kenny's brain that was purely intellectual recognized what was happening, so he turned to fresh page in his notebook and jotted down all that had happened and all of his suspicions. He then stared listlessly out the window, losing himself in thoughts of TV and hot babes. When he finally did spare Cartman a glance, it was only because the teacher had snapped at him to put his phone away. (He'd been playing Candy Crush under his desk.)

Kenny looked back out the window, watching as a flock of birds flew past. Yes - it was a beautiful day in South Park, Colorado.

A/N: I had a lot of fun writing that! A special thanks to everyone who reviewed/followed/favorited :) It makes all the difference. I also want to thank the people who just read it - you anonymous Andys, you.

I also want to thank The QAS for her fic recommendation. If you guys want to read a killer story in which another one of the boys dies, read "Lightning" by ChaosKirin.

I also want to thank JoannaKuwabara for her suggestion about the eyes!

Always open to fic recommendations and ideas :)