Im So sorry this took so long! Ive written and re-written this chapter over 20 times now! I will admit Im still not sure where this story is going exactly. I needed sometime to re-think it. Im still not happy with how it turned out. Im going to add onto this (Its only part 1).

Thank you so much for your patience! I am also in the process of writing another gravitation fic, but I wont upload it until I have some progress on it. It wont be on impulse like this one haha

Oh! PS.

Yes I know the timeline dosnt sync up with the manga or the anime! Im sorry for that too. I took some creative liberties. I do not own Gravitation.

Chapter 5 Part 1:

There's a buzzing in my limbs, and my toes feel as if they've been electrified. My mind races in circles trying to catch up to this feeling of euphoria. The dim roar in the distance is growing louder, over the thump of my heart. Someone is screaming. No. People are cheering. Strong arms hold me close. They are large and comforting, and smell of… bourbon? The light blinds me as my eyes strain to focus. When my head finally clears, jewel amber eyes stare back at me with wild intensity. His face is so close. He's aged remarkably well. The few lines of his brow and eyes only add to his allure, stirring something inside me. His chest beneath my palm is firm, and I can feel myself melting again.

Oh My God.

I shove myself back as though I've been physically shocked. The roar of the crowd, mixed with utter bewilderment overwhelms my senses. Eiri is smirking at me as he bends down to retrieve his award. Shit I dropped it.

Tohma is already speaking into the mic, trying to defuse the situation. The hosts of tonight's grand event, Nagisa and Seiya Sena (1), quickly take the stage, clearly realizing their extreme error in judgment.

I bow quick and short, trying my hardest to keep it together, already walking backwards. Inside I'm screaming. I spin around and sprint for the stairs. By the time I hit the edge of the stage I'm at a dead run. I hurl myself down the old metal steps toward the long hall of dressing rooms.

The slap of my sneakers, echoes through the wide dimly lit hallway bouncing off old abandoned stage equipment. My lips still burn from his contact, or possibly the liquor on his tongue, while my thoughts chase themselves in circles. I can still hear his heavy breathing in my mind, and smell the masculine scent of his cologne. I squeeze my eyes and practically fly into my dressing room.

Once safely behind closed doors, I'm able to breathe. I'm panting hard and my heartbeat pounds in my ears like a war drum. A thin layer of anger simmers in the pit of my stomach. I grab my tie and yank at the knot. "Oh Shu-chan!" I openly mock Ryuichi "He can't do anything to you on camera!" My tie is stuck but I manage to squeeze it over my head and fling it to floor. "Bullshit!" I shout to myself "He's Eiri-Fucking-Yuki!"

I rip off my blazer and toss it over to my duffle bag. "He does whatever the hell he wants! Always has. Always will." I finish quietly, fighting the lump forming in my throat. I sigh blowing air out of my cheeks, as I plop down on the black velvet sofa. The flat screen TV, mounted high on the opposite wall, is replaying the kiss. Dammit! I knew I should have stood on the other side of Seguchi. I should have known better.

I lean back against the head rest and look out across the hundreds of signatures scrawled on the walls, left there by performers past. I spot mine in the top left corner near the door, written in faded black sharpie next to Hiro's and Suguru's. Under our names is the date, May 12th 1999.

I can remember that night as clearly as this moment. This venue was the kick off to our first major tour. At the time it had been THE biggest stage we had ever played. I was so excited, absolutely mesmerized. The lights. The crowed… and Eiri. He had been waiting in the wings, and surprised me as I came back stage after the show. It was one of the happiest nights of my life. I laugh silently to myself, remembering how we had blocked the door with a chair and had sex in one of the dressing rooms. It may have been this one.

Smiling sadly I blink back the tears and try to repress the onslaught of memories. At that point in time, Eiri hadnt actually said he loved me yet, but that night, after we had cleaned ourselves off, he told me that he needed me and wouldn't know what to do if he ever lost me. He was pretty drunk so he never remembered saying it, but I'll never forget it... Through it all, I guess we found out. He got along just fine without my help. He never really needed me after all.

There's a hitch in my breath, a 'hic' I can't keep down, and before I can stop it I'm blubbering into my shirt sleeves like a child. I don't know why I'm reacting this way. I thought I had gotten over him a long time ago. I haven't cried over Eiri in years. Honestly I never expected to see him again, let alone make out with him on national television.

The one upside to being abandoned by your lover is that you can deal with it however you like… or not deal with it. Whatever.

I guess what I mean is; with every other man I've ever been involved with, I ran the risk of running into them on the streets, at events, or just seeing their cars pass by. It's surprising just how small Tokyo actually is, especially after being dumped. I had to face these break ups and betrayals head on, and at face value. I couldn't hide from them: not at home, not in public, or the press. They were around, simple as that. Some of them still are.

But Eiri, like with everything else, was different. I didn't have to go through the heart wrenching process of separating our things, figuring out who bought what and so forth. I just shoved all of his shit into storage and forgot about it. I didn't have to feel guilty about throwing something away, and if I really wanted something back it was right down the street. With everyone at NG refusing to talk about him, and my parents pretending he never existed, it was pretty easy to fall into a false state of mind. My only obstacle was the press. They were relentless. Nothing was sacred. I just told them 'I was fine' or ' it was mutual'. Like the saying always goes, tell the same lie enough times you eventually begin to believe it yourself.

The last living relic to mine and Eiri's relationship is Riku. It pained me a little at first to see him go about his day like nothing had ever happened. I was sure losing a father for the 2nd time would have some effect on the kid, but then again I set that example. It's much easier to ignore our problems then to deal with them right? Right!

Wrong! Riku has horrible anger management issues, and I have a lot of unresolved emotions. Especially when it comes to Eiri.

My lips are slightly swollen and my body still sings from his embrace. I can't deny that felt amazing, but I haven't been touched like that in months. I would have reacted that way no matter who it was!

... No. That's not true.

Shit. What am I going to do now? Tohma's going to want to hold a press conference, and I'll have to give some kind of statement. I don't even know where I stand with Eiri! I've forced myself not to think about it for so long... Maybe my initial reaction to Ryuichi was true; I still have feelings for him but..I just don't know anymore.

"Ah f-fuck" I sigh, drying my eyes. I stand, shaking my hands at my side like a diver about to make the plunge of his life. "Just don't think about it" I say aloud to myself.

I begin to pace, breathing deep, trying to keep my mind busy. I unbutton my collar, pull my shirt tail out of my waistband, and let my slacks fall to the floor. I kick my sneakers to the side and pull off my sweaty socks.

Why am I even thinking about this anyway?! He has his own life in New York!

I circle back around and pick up my pants with my toes, and toss them in the air. I try to catch them with my hand but miss. They land near my duffel bag… close enough.

Its not like hes staying here in Japan!

I pull out a pair of old holey jeans, and throw them on the couch.

Plus he was REALLY drunk.

I dig around the bag in search of my t-shirt.

So that kiss didn't actually mean…

My hands pause on the thin black material. The thought alone is enough to bring back the wall of tears

"…Anything" I whisper pathetically to myself.

My chest heaves. There's a loud wailing sob on its way, I can feel it, and it pisses me off!

"No!" I shout, stomping my foot "No. No. No!" The echo reverberating off the walls sobers me from my haze of anger, just a little. "I will not let him get to me!" I say calmly, but confidently! " I wont let him control me again! I refuse to-"

'BANG'

The slam of the door as its thrown open startles me so much I actually shriek. I have to brace myself on the table my bag is sitting on. I put my hand against my chest and try to remember how to suck air into my lungs. My heart is beating so fast I'm afraid it might gain traction and run up my throat. I turn around slowly. Standing in the door way is the source of all my problems. He lifts the corner of his mouth in a lazy smile. His black on black Armani suit is striking, as it hugs his form so elegantly. After everything he's put me through, he still knocks the wind out of me. While he hovers in the shadow I'm forced to admit to myself; I still love this asshole.

"What are you doing in here Eiri!?" I wheeze. I can't think of anything intelligent to say.

I hear his short huffing laugh and the soft clip of his heel as he emerges from the darkness and into the room. His large frame towers over me and all I can do is stare. He takes a step forward, allowing the door to close behind him. The stench of liquor becomes over powering as he comes closer.

I muster up enough courage to ask him what the hell he wants. Without the support of the door he sways slightly in his step. We look numbly at each other in strained silence, for what feels like an eternity.

"You look good" He finally drawls.

I shake my head and scoff, not knowing how to respond to that. I'm instantly aware that I'm standing barefoot, in my dress shirt and underwear, but the anger rising in my gut takes precedence. "I knew it!" I snap "I fucking knew it!" I didn't actually. I hadn't even considered it, and now I feel like a dumbass. I start jamming clothes into my bag. "If you think for one minute Eiri Uesugi, that you can waltz back into MY LIFE after all this time for a one night stand, JUST because you're passing through town then you can KISS MY A-"

His face set in determination; Eiri grabs me by the biceps spins me around like a rag-doll, and kisses me forcefully. It isn't passionate like earlier. There's no emotion. It's quick and rough as if he's reclaiming lost territory. He jerks me away almost giving me whip-lash. He stares at me, still scowling, his eyes are red and brimming with tears, but he doesn't say a word, nor does he release me. … Then finally.

"I've" He looks away from me and swallows. I watch his adam's apple quiver and bob. "been such a fool Shuichi"

Something bubbles up from deep inside my core, that's hard to identify. The lump in my throat grows in size nearly choking me, as suppressed sobs rack my body. My tongue swells in my mouth and the volume is turned up on my ears. I can hear the crowd laughing, the buzz of the light fixture overhead. A car door slams in the parking garage A cricket chirps in the hallway and a stage hand coughs somewhere in the rafters.. I can hear it all, except for what I said next…

"What did I do wrong?"

So… There it is. My moment of truth. It seems so obvious to me now that I had some blame in this mess. I was just too stupid to realize it or too proud to acknowledge it.

On some unconscious level I guess I must have known his seamless escape could have been the results of my actions. Otherwise, why else would I have ignored the closure I so desperately wanted? Repressed the feelings I most definitely still have? Do I feel guilty?

I was just a kid, dumb and naïve, playing house with an impressionable child and an emotional wreck of a lover, whose heart was a lump of scar tissue. I had lives in my hands, that I had control over! The both of them had delicate, sensitive, issues that I knew nothing about, yet I thought I knew best. I thought I could make their pain go away! I thought I could make Kitazawa GO AWAY! But look what good its done! Look where its brought us!

I was just an idiot kid!

Don't Blame Me!

"IM SORRY!" I shout.

My out burst shocks us both.

Regret and confusion settle over his features. He's battling himself, trying to make a decision only he is aware of. I can almost see the wheels spin in his mind. Sweat gleams on his brow, as he stares into me. I cant look away from him, part of me is afraid to.

He swallows again and engulfs me in the warm envelope of his arms. "Nothing" he says in a low voice. "You've never done anything wrong". I almost forgot I had said anything. The hitch in his voice decimates my defenses. I grasp the lapels of his suit and bury my face in his chest.

"Nothing" He whispers again into my ear "Nothing"

Long cool finger fingers tangle themselves into the hair at the base of my skull and pulls, lifting my gaze to his. Slowly he closes his eyes and lowers his head to me. 'What the hell am I doing?' I mentally ask myself, just before his lips touch mine. My thoughts fizzle out, as we begin our old instinctual rhythm. In an instant my anger and bitterness, my insecurities and fears, fade away. Somehow in his crushing embrace, I feel safe: even knowing everything he's done.

He sways slightly, disrupting our balance. I have to take a step back to steady us. Eiri is known for being able to knock back drinks like a champ, but I know he has his limits. It's a very thin line and its hard to tell when he's about to hit it, but when he does: he turns into the usual stumbling, belligerent, vomiting drunk. He breaks the kiss for just a moment to rub his thumb against my cheek. He laughs through his nose. The puffs of air ruffle my bangs before he captures my mouth again.

I need to sit him down before we fall, but doing so may give him the green light to go further. He sways again, leaning into me. I spread my feet to hold his weight with my legs, instead of my spine. He groans deep in his throat. The sound alone nearly knocks me over, as he squeezes us together. I can feel my own excitement throbbing between us, and the beginning of his. My control is wavering.

The warm cavern of his mouth, makes my knees shake. His large hands roam my body, groping me roughly. Its all too much. 'Buddha they say you're not a judging god. And well, let's hope that's true'

Breaking the kiss, I grab him by the belt buckle and guide him toward the couch. This routine is old and familiar, but a little rusty. We had done this drunken maneuver hundreds of times back then. He loosens his hold and relinquishes control to me as I pull him forward.

'I don't care' I tell myself. 'I don't care that hes drunk. I don't care what this means or dosnt mean. I want this! I need this! I always have! I was a fool to think otherwise.'

The back of my knees hit the edge of couch, and I allow myself to collapse into the velvety softness of the plush cushions. He falls into me, bracing himself on the arm rest. We're not as out of sync as I thought we were. We instantly pick up where we left off. I spread my legs in invitation, while his weight settles between them. Oh. Ive missed this. The searing heat of his lips burn as they travel down my throat. His hand disappears between us. I hear the clink of metal, as he undoes his pants. He stops abruptly, and raises himself. His hand jiggles around down there, making me impatient. C'mon Eiri hurry it the fuck up. I squirm in place. He's always been a teaser. He dips is head to stare down at his crotch, still stroking himself.

Disappointment hits me like a truck, as I realize what the problem is.

"Hey" I say trying to sound sympathetic " It's okay. I-it's happened to me before." It hasn't. Thank God! I may have a lot of problems in my life but impotence was never one of them. He slumps forward, still trying. His movements are slow and sluggish now. I don't know what the hell to do. I lay still, my arousal deflated. "I jus-" He mumbles, slurring his words. " Earlier. I jus- I loff" He rests his head against his hand, withdrawing his other from below. His weight becomes almost suffocating, and is instantly still.

"Eiri?" I shake him but he doesn't stir. "Eiri?!" I scoff. Disbelieving the ridiculous situation I just put myself in: half-naked, trapped under my passed out ex-lover, with his exposed whiskey dick squished against my thigh. Perfect.

I reach around his bent arm to smack my palm against my forehead, dragging it down my face. What the fuck was I thinking?!

I look up to the TV through my fingers, just in time to see Ryuichi posing on the red carpet with…

"THAT SON OF A BITCH!"

(1) Nagisa Sena and Seiya Sena: Love Stage! they are the famous parents of the main character Izumi.