So I got around to seeing Thor 2: The Dark World, and it was amazing! Seriously, I cried buckets and laughed and overall just died. But seeing as I couldn't express my feelings in decent in-character fic, I threw all rationality to the wind and wrote this humor-lacking piece of crack at 3 am. What follows is basically my mind process of the movie, read at your own risk! *Spoilers, obviously.*

Disclaimer: I don't own Thor, alright?! That should be obvious, otherwise the movies would be nothing but happy brotherly-feels.

Chapter One: Crappy Exposition and Loki is the Only Sane One. Kind Of. Not Really.

Once upon a time, a long, long, loooong time ago, so long ago that jerky Allfather Odin wasn't even king, there were elves. Not the gorgeous perfect-hair elves of Middle Earth, or Santa's Christmas elves, or the obedient House Elves of Hogwarts, or even the knock-off elves of the Inheritance Cycle. No, these were dark elves, who lived in a dark world, with their dark evil crazy-powered warriors and badass braids (That were actually not that dark. White braids, really.) These dark elves were led by the evil drama queen Malekith, an elf with a mission to spread his darkness to the rest of the world. And rule it, assumedly. He planned to do this by harnessing the power of the Aether, otherwise known as the evil red glowy stuff that no one was really quite sure how it actually worked.

Anyhow, the great and noble warriors of Asgard could hardly let Malekith and the dark elves destroy their lives. So, led by a king who was not Odin, they engaged the dark elves in an epic battle. Several intense action sequences of elves and Asgardians dying later, the dark elves were defeated. So to ensure the survival of their race, Malekith had all his ships perform kamikaze attacks on the forces of Asgard and die. This was the best way to ensure the survival of their race, because lots of dark elves died but Malekith and some other nameless characters survived.

The last ship of the dark elves fled, and the Asgardians, believing them all dead, celebrated by destroying one of the greatest threats to the known world. Except they kind of couldn't, so they just hid it somewhere really secret and let everyone believe it was destroyed. And thus ends the epic tale of the Aether and the dark elves, never seen again! (At least until twenty minutes later into the movie.)

In the beautiful city of Asgard, everyone's favorite angst-ball of charisma stood outside of the throne room, wearily awaiting his fate. And seriously getting fed up with Asardian security.
"Soooo Mr. Loki, in order to satisfy any kinky needs of your ravenous lunatic-fangirls-" Loki shuddered " -We're going to need to thoroughly chain you up for your audience with Odin. Not that it'd do much good, considering you could be standing there with a three-ton cannon and we wouldn't know, but you need to be chained." Loki gave a long-suffering sigh.

"If you must. Just please leave that abominable gag out this time? My greatest assets are my charming and snarky remarks, and I need to be able to talk for those." The guard shrugged.

"Fine by me. Just don't expect it to ward off any mind-scarring fanfictions anymore than you would with it." Loki turned pale. Well, paler than he already was.

"Oh sweet Valhalla, no. No no no! I can't take anymore fanfictions!" He gasped for air desperately, grabbing the guard and shaking him with passion. "You don't understand! It's awful! Even worse after the Avengers! I've been tortured, abused, mistreated, sold into slavery, mind-controlled, paired with every single person in the nine realms alive or dead, and lost all sense of dignity and strength I ever had!"

"You had dignity and strength?" The guard asked, frowning. Loki stepped back, drawing himself up to full, regal height.

"I, puny guard, am the most dignified, majestic, charismatic, and powerful character in these films! I fight my own battles, handle my problems well-"

"Ha," the guard muttered.

"-and I have the deepest, most heart-wrenching character development out of everyone!" He paused, breathing, harshly, and then cried to the heavens. "I AM THE MIGHTY LOKI! NOT SOME PATHETIC DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!"

"Allllrighty then," the underpaid and really quite confused guard said, a bit nervously. "Time to kick off the plot with a nice little chat with your dad!" Loki growled.

"He's not my father!" Then his expression changed to one of glee. "Wait, kick off the movie? You mean the plot starts with me? I get shown before Thor?"

"Ummm…yes?"

"HA!" Loki cried. "I knew it! I finally assume my rightful place as the main character!"

"Actually, I think that's going to be a three-way competition between you, Thor, and that Jane chick, but sure, whatever makes you happy," the guard said wearily as he dragged a now-sexily-chained Loki into the Allfather's throne room.

"MY SON!" Odin roared.

"Not your son," Loki muttered, sulking. Odin, of course, ignored him.

"YOU HAVE DISGRACED THE FAMILY!"

"Not my family!"

"YOU HAVE BROUGHT DISHONOR ON YOURSELF, DISHONOR ON THE FAMILY, AND DISHONOR ON YOUR COW!

"Not my fam- wait, what cow?"

"DO NOT SPEAK BACK!" Odin took several deep breaths, calming down, and cleared his throat. "Yes, and you are a horrible son and I should have left you to die as the pathetic baby you were, you disgraceful rat."

"Wow," Loki said, staring at Odin, impressed. "You jerky-father level has increased even more this movie. I didn't think it was possible."

"YES, WORTHLESS SON!" Odin cried, laughing. "And I get to be a jerk to your brother, too! Again. But this time I get to totally disregard the life of the woman he loves, let my hatred blind me, and shoot at him and his friends! Ahahaha!"

"Alllllright, you may be slightly more unbalanced than I am, and that's really saying something." Loki then tilted his head, considering. "On the other hand, I may be the most balanced person in this movie. I am, after all, the one who gets us out of Asgard, comes up with all the brilliant plans,-"

"Hey, I cOme up with the plan to break you out!" Both Loki and Odin jumped around to stare at the somehow-there Thor poking his head out from behind one of the great pillars.

"Go away!" Loki said. "It's not your intro yet! You're stealing my screen time!"

"Yeah!" Odin echoed. "I need to focus my obviously over-exaggerated jerkiness on Loki right now!"

"Fine, fine," Thor huffed. "I'm not stupid, though. Just saying."

"GO AWAY!" Both Loki and Odin cried. Thor rolled his eyes then disappeared in a cloud of lightning and gorgeous hair, off to prepare for his epic entrance to the movie.

"Perfect-haired brat," Loki muttered.

"Morally correct, close-up-scene-stealing jerk." Odin huffed. Loki raised an eyebrow.

"You have a lot of nerve to be calling someone a jerk. At least Thor has the decency to cry over my de-"

"SPOILERRRRSSSSSS!" Odin roared. "STOP DERAILING THE PLOT!"

"THERE IS NO PLOT IN THIS MADNESS!" Loki roared back. "We're being used as cheap, unfunny, therapy to attempt to heal the authoress' emotionally distraught soul!"

"Stop breaking the fourth wall, failure!"

"The fourth wall's already been wrecked to pieces!"

"AUGGHH I can't take you anymore, pathetic trash! I should have left Frigga to deal with you! Guards! Drag him to the dungeons!"

"Oh thank goodness," Loki huffed. "I was about to go mad in your despicable presence." The underpaid guard sighed, grabbing him by the arm and leading him out of the throne room.

"Wait!" Loki cried, his face dissolving into panic. "No! I need more screen time! The authoress is about to introduce her favorite character and then I'll get shoved to the side! Alone! Neglected!"

"It's alright," the guard said, patting Loki comfortingly. "She still loves you. You'll get more scenes. She won't even torture and abuse you!"

"Hardly a comfort," Loki grumbled as he was dragged off.

"Farewell, my useless son!" Odin cried cheerfully. "Have fun rotting the dungeon!"

"You know," Loki yelled as he was dragged through the hall. "For being named the Allfather, you really SUCK AT PARENTING!"

"Oh, stop whining and let the authoress give Thor-of-the-perfect-abs and his badass warrior friends a chapter."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Loki and Odin cried, mourning the loss of their short-lived screen time.

Next Chapter: Sif proves that she is a strong, independent female who doesn't need a man, angst rules supreme, and Thor attempts to nail a perfect entrance!