The Many Guises of 3.14

Hello All :) Miran is back, with a little one shot. This was a challenge by Worryingly Innocent, who gave me the (sort of) first line of the fic, and told me to go away and write a story. This is the result.

Disclaimer: Alas, the only thing I own to my name is an undelivered bed. OUaT, the characters, the leather and anything from the show does not belong to me, though the mad idea is just that - mad and mine.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that there are many foods, some of which are pies, and the rest of which should be pies.

Very early on into Killian Jones's stay in Storybrooke he was introduced to Mary Margaret's pies. There were many varieties. Berry, apple (though saying that the ENTIRE family had a mild aversion to these was a gross understatement), pineapple, meringue and his personal favorite: cherry.

Only a little time later, he discovered that, much like in the Enchanted Forest, there were some things like savoury pies. Granny and Ruby, as well as some other residents like Mira introduced him to these. There was a variety of these as well: steak and ale, fish, shepherd pies, cold pork pies and even things like cabbage pies; and all of them worked remarkably well.

Of course, there were things that he loved from his youth and had come to love in Storybrooke that were not in pie form, for which he has infinitely sad.

So when Her Royal Highness offered to teach him how to cook following the whole fondue mishap, he jumped at the chance to be able to learn this important skill, master the various implements that did not make any sense to him (so far, the only thing he had done well with regarding food was the barbeque and mastering the toaster with no further accidents).

At first, they started with the basics. Killian, under Snow White's careful and watchful eyes learned how to cook pasta, fry some meat, make a number of simple sauces and roast potatoes in the oven.

Charming assisted in the lessons, mostly by introducing Killian to the grill and the family's gas barbecue, and then proceeding to teach him about marinating and baking in coal - concepts that the pirate was well aware of, but appreciated since it allowed him to master the modern equipment and get much higher quality meals then when he lived aboard a ship.

After the molten cheese incident, he mostly avoided the microwave.

Once he had mastered these basics to the lady's satisfaction, presenting her with a wonderfully roasted chicken, a creamy mash, accompanied by summer vegetables and at least 4 different sauces on the night of the monthly teacher/parent evening, and the food was wolfed down by everyone in the household with a lot of appreciation, Snow finally gave in and agreed to teach him about pie.

They began with the basics. Killian discovered that there were many kinds of pastry: short crust, puff pastry, sour dough. In fact, when he asks Snow and Regina one day as to which is the most normal, the two women burst out laughing and simply pat him on the back.

They started with the easier varieties: fruit. These only take a few days to master - after all, once he understands how to make the pastry, chopping up fruit, selecting the best kind of pastry and then adding the sugar is relatively easy. Gelatine proved to be a problem, especially when he discovers that their choice of glazing mixture comes from something made out of very boiled down bones, but he got over that eventually and stopped shuddering every time he saw glazing and jelly.

Possibly telling him that his favourite shirt would have been coloured with the colour 'released' from thousands of little bugs to produce the colour purple, which was then smeared onto the fabric (they had Belle to thank for that one) probably helped.

As he mastered the fruit lidded, open, custard and tart pies, Snow allowed him to move onto the savoury stuff. Here, his imagination went wild. He quickly became a master of combining various meats and vegetables together, choosing the best pasties or making layered mashed potato with fish pies, or gratins, or a wonderful venison and ale creation that left everyone impressed.

So, only two months into his tutelage, he was allowed to go unobserved and given free reign to experiment.

Mondays were commonly the day when Killian cooked dinner. Emma was usually at the town hall those days till quite late with Regina and they would come home together with Henry, after he finished late soccer practice. David would be on call outs and Snow usually would be stuck in various teaching meeting till late in the day. Branches, however, were not THAT demanding, and Killian usually was home by 4 pm on Mondays, not needing to pick up the pace till later in the week.

As a result, Mondays were know as Pie day, as they tended to feature at least one (and sometimes 5) different pie related dishes.

On this particular Monday, everyone pilled in just as Killian was putting the finishing touches on the table décor.

The food looked delicious. In the middle of the table sat a massive pasta dish, filled to the brim with some rigatoni. Next to it were some home breaded chicken escallops grilled to perfection. All around the table sat a number of pasta sauces - spicy tomato, mushroom and a butter and pepper sauce that Killian seemed to remember from his childhood. A closed pie sat next to it, probably containing vegetables.

The piece de resistance was a chocolate gateau that was still sitting in the oven, keeping happily warm.

The family fell happily on the food. The plates were loaded up with variety of the various bits of food strewn around the table and presently, everyone began to eat.

Snow loaded up her fork with the pie and was just thinking of how well her pupil was doing when she took a bite. Immediately, her eyes bulged and her immediate thought was to spit it out, but, with regal grace she resisted, finished chewing, and swallowed, reaching immediately for her glass and downing half its contents, and prayed that no one had noticed.

Regina, however, was not so tactful. She took a bite of her pie and almost instantaneously spat it back out, her face contorting in disgust. "Hook, what the hell is this? You trying to poison us."

Everyone's eyes immediately swung round to Killian. He looked genuinely surprised and took a bite of the pie before answering. "Is something not to your liking?"

The Queen growled. "Yes, as a matter of fact, there is. What is this atrocity?"

"My ma's recipe. I enjoyed it may times as a child. It's haddock, broccoli and a cheese sauce."

Almost everyone at the table involuntarily retched, with the exception of Charming, who pulled the bowl towards himself. Taking a spoonful and tasting it, he nodded his approval. "Very nice. My mother used to make something similar on the farm. Except we used to add spinach and cauliflower."

Emma looked at the two men incredulously. "Snow, Regina. I don't think they are joking. They actually LIKE this." The look of horror was met with blank stares.

Recognising that the strange concoction was perhaps a faux pas, Killian took the bowl to the side, after promising David that he would pack some for his lunch. He let the others eat in peace for a little longer before he brought out the cake.

The chocolate creation was well received by everyone. Regina nodded her approval, Henry asked for a second portion and everyone else allowed themselves to indulge as well. Snow leaned over, "I don't think I know this recipe. What's it called?"

"I believe the strange portable window called it a Chocolate Heartache Cake."

Regina perked up. "Well, this is impressive. I always wanted to try the recipe, but wasn't sure it would turn out well. May I ask you for tips on the recipe?" Hook nodded. "I have to say, I am very impressed. It's not every day you find someone who is brave enough to use aubergines as a substitute to flour."

Emma did a double take and then realised that regardless of the aubergines, the cake was still a cake, and a gorgeous one at that. And if there was no flour, surely, surely, there were less calories in this… She reached for a second slice and saw that Henry was equally unperturbed.

David, on the other hand coughed and spluttered, showing the plate as far from him as he could. "Aubergines? As in EGGPLANTS?"

"Aye, Mate. Is that a problem?"

"A PROBLEM? What in the world is a vegetable doing in my cake?" The man looked thoroughly disgusted.

"The recipe called for them. Plus, the ladies seem to enjoy it." The ladies turned to grin a the prince. It was one thing to insult the man, who despite a little mishap, fed them. The haughty prince, however, was fair game.

"Why yes. This is a work of art Killian, really. I got really lucky," intoned Emma.

"Wonderfully executed. We should have this more often."

"Why, David, we had eggplant in curry on Thursday, and you had three helping of that."

The poor man turned green, jumped up from the table and ran as fast as his legs would carry him to the bathroom.

From that day, Killian learnt that some things would never be accepted in pie, and banished them to his lunch boxes only. Suspiciously, however, the house always seemed to be full of eggplants from then on…

And just because I can:

Killian Jones got back home from work to find Henry in the kitchen, muttering over this homework. The pirate sat opposite the boy and listened to his quiet mutterings.

"3x and 4y equal circumference of circle A. To get that, I need 17 times pie."

Killian perked up. "Pie?"

"Mm."

"Lad, why in the world are you multiplying pies?"

Henry looked up. "Not pie, as in the food, pie as in the maths number."

"Pie is a number?" The pirate was now incredibly confused.

"Yeah. Pie in maths is equal to 3.14, or there about. The number is much larger, but that is a good approximation."

Blank stare.

The eleven year old launched into a complex explanation into the history behind the number, but Killian tuned it out. It was a pity, he mused, that there was a kind of Pie he would never get to try and make.

AN: I have a virtual cookie and hug for anyone who gets the reference. I look forward to your feedback, should you have any.