An: Too soon for a Christmas-sy story? But I say that SasuHina is always in season.
I tried to keep close to the original style of Dr. Seuss's poem. Of course, credit to the Dr. and Kishimoto.
Cover is also posted in my DeviantArt.
How the Grouch Stole Hinata
By Dr. Airyo
All the Leaf shinobi liked weddings a lot...
But Sasuke, who lived outside the village, did NOT!
.
How Sasuke hated weddings! It made him want to die.
Now don't ask him the reason; it's lethal to try.
.
It could be that his hair never spiked quite right.
Maybe his hitae-atae was tied on too tight.
.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
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Whatever the reason, his heart or his hair,
he spied on Konoha with a smoldering glare.
.
He watched the bustle with a sour, grouchy frown
as shy Hyuuga Hinata twirled in a white gown.
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Just the very thought of her had him seething...
To think she would be wed by tomorrow evening!
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"They're trying on the rings!" he snarled with a sneer
"Tomorrow is the wedding! It's practically here!"
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Then he growled, with his red Sharingan whirring.
"I MUST find a way to stop it from occurring!"
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Naruto and Hinata will soon become wed...
Then that meant that night they will be sharing a bed!
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The mental image made him feel rather sick.
In fact, he just developed a new facial tick.
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And then, there are the NaruHina fangirls!
KYAAA! KYAAAA! KYAAAA!
That's one thing he realty hated most in the world!
KYAAA! KYAAAA! KYAAAA!
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He knew many nin will shed a happy tear.
WAH! WAH! WAH!
They encourage NaruHina - his greatest fear.
WAH! WAH! WAH!
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And worst of all will be the newlywed kiss!
EW! EW! EW!
How dare they demonstrate their gross nuptial bliss!
Just ...no. Sasuke's disgust grew and grew.
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And the more Sasuke thought of the loathsome wedding
The more he decided, "I must stop this whole thing!"
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"I've had years of NaruHina nonsense now,"
"I must stop this wedding from happening! But HOW?"
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He thought of an idea, an awful idea!
SASUKE HAD A WONDERFULLY AWFUL IDEA!
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"I know just what I need to do...ku ku ku..."
Sasuke gave a laugh just like Orochimaru's.
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He readied all his paraphernalia,
to pull off this ingenious panacea.
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Sasuke dressed himself in stealthy ninja black,
and grabbed storage scrolls, along with an empty sack.
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Then he tied a bandana under his nose…
why the genjutsu master did this, no one knows.
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With a Sasuke-ly 'hn' of satisfaction,
he set off to Leaf to put his plot in action.
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Their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the nin were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
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He found it lonely no one could hear him boast
that he had snuck into the Leaf just like a ghost.
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"Fools, they won't even know what hit them!" he hissed.
He slinked into the church with storage scrolls in his fist.
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Inside, they had everything already set,
Sasuke cackled. This was his kind of kismet.
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He ripped down everything that adorned the pews.
Anything in that blinding orange should be refuse.
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The sparkly fabric! And the disgusting lace!
Without remorse, he set fire to the bouquets.
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Then he took the bridesmaid shoes and dresses,
As well as the silk ribbons meant for their tresses.
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Sasuke left nothing behind, not even a thread.
Certainly nothing to hide Sakura's forehead.
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He used up all his storage scrolls far too quick,
but Uchiha Sasuke didn't stop there, the prick.
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He slunk to the pantry to steal all the food -
even the ramen in his foul merciless mood.
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(But he did leave behind all the alcohol,
in hopes that Rock Lee will start a destructive brawl.)
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And Sasuke took the fish, he took the steak.
He even swiped the Akimichi wedding cake!
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Then he shoved the food up the chimney with glee -
Naruto will be surely crying on his knees.
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But as Sasuke set about his evil task
he thought he heard the sound of a soft, startled gasp.
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He turned around and saw it was Hinata,
who was still dressed in her sleeping yukata.
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She stared at him for a sad, silent moment.
Sasuke couldn't take the emotional torment.
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So he Sharinganed the bride and took her too,
because he wasn't too sure what else he could do.
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He scuttled back quick to his dark Sasuke lair,
but not before fixing his mussed Uchiha hair.
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There was no need for such nervous vanity.
His lovely hostage kept on sleeping peacefully.
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Success was easy with his great ninja strength,
but he felt wretched - it didn't make any sense.
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So he tucked another blanket around her tight,
and creepily watched her sleep the rest of the night.
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When rosy dawn touched the sky, she woke with a start,
She leaped away from him, clutching her heart.
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Sasuke regarded her with a dark angry scowl,
of course, she would recoil from a kidnapper so foul.
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But then Hinata smiled at him, sweet and shy,
and somehow Sasuke's mouth began to feel quite dry.
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Her happiness was impossible to miss
and then, on his cheek, she laid a soft little kiss.
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He forgot to breathe - he turned a strange shade of blue.
"I'm glad you're okay," she said. "We've all missed you."
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"I'm waiting for you, if you want to return."
Sasuke shook his head - the thought made his stomach churn.
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"You saved my precious peoples' lives during the war.
Your actions helped make sure Madara was no more."
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"Just go back already," he said with a sigh.
"I don't want you here anyways." Though that was a lie.
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"I'll love you for you," she whispered, "if you don't."
"If you think I'll stop after my marriage - I won't."
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His mean thoughts she was beginning to impair.
Those soft lavender eyes made him far too aware.
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Sasuke forced her to take the stolen decor.
He pushed her out before she made him question more.
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So she walked away, her hair dancing in the breeze.
Annoying! Why does she cause him so much unease?
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He couldn't understand how she could love him still,
when his past deeds made even him feel ill.
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He thought about it for a long duration.
Finally, Sasuke reached a great revelation!
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"Maybe, for love, I don't need to be guilt-free."
"Perhaps...Hinata DOES love me for me!"
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And what happened then! Well...in the Leaf they say,
That Sasuke's small heart grew three sizes that day!
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And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
Sasuke rushed back to the church in the bright morning light.
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He fixed his hair and ran to the blushing bride.
"Bastard!" But he just punted Naruto aside.
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"Here's your ramen, Dead-Last. Elope with your feast."
It was a shock when the blond complied, to say the least.
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The Aburame '...'ed, the Inuzuka cried.
The Yamanaka screeched, and the Nara sighed.
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Never had a wedding been so badly flunked.
Worse, Lee and the Hokage were already drunk.
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But the show must go on - they paid for the room.
So Sasuke - oh! - he volunteered to be the groom!
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