Disclaimer: This world belongs to JK Rowling. I'm only thankful that I was able to experience it.

All the Difference

Chapter 1: Ghost

He would not stay for me, and who can wonder?

He would not stay for me to stand and gaze.

I shook his hand, and tore my heart in sunder,

And went with half my life about my ways.

-A.E. Housman

I dreamed of him again last night. For a moment I did not think it a dream, but a reality so true and wonderful, that when it did end, it stung more than any after dream feeling I have ever had. His eyes were still cold and gray, calculating and begging for approval. They were dark around the edges, just like I remember from those years of ancient past. Though it feels like it was yesterday that he awkwardly placed his arms around me and first put his head in the crook of my neck, unsure if that is how people really showed affection. Sometimes when I am alone in the dark, I make deals in my head, and beg an unknown being for just one moment more. Just one kiss. Just one look. My pleas are made even more desperate by the knowledge that I have never believed in a God. However, if he was to appear before me for just a moment more, I think I'd follow any religion, any false prophet.

"You should move on," are words I hear at least once a year. I have heard it more in years past, but most know better now. There is no moving on, no next destination for me. He has always been the only way, and maybe if I had known that the first time my heart fluttered at his voice, I would have run away. I would have known better than to spend my life pining for someone who cannot bend the laws of man and nature to come back to me. There was once a time when my sister found me in a bathroom, curled up in a corner with an empty potions bottle, numb and defeated. I thought I could bend the other way to be with him, but I learned that I'd leave others just the way he had left me. Besides, I had a greater responsibility then, and my sister made certain that I understood that.

Thus I had no choice to get out of bed, to comb my hair, to put that same old smile on my face, and forget that dream. It might seem like I pine everyday for him, that there is not a moment that he is not in my thoughts, but that would be a lie. There are times when he is out of my mind, when I do not think of what he would be doing if he were with me. There are whole days when I do not think of him once. Those nights are the hardest. They are filled with guilt and longing, dug into one tragic wound.

Before I even have time to set the water to boil for tea, I hear my doorbell ring. Rarely do I have guests at home that do not own a key, so it is a surprise. I glance at the mirror as I pass through the hallway. Same innocent looking face, same mousey brown hair that he said he loved. Though the lines around the eyes are new, and the face is altogether older.

"Coming," I call when it rings a second time, as I brush the right side of my hair behind my ear. I've always hated hair in my face, but keep it too short to put up. I open the door without a second thought, though by this time I should know better. The years after I was always paranoid, and would never let anyone in. Those were days of terror, when we weren't quite sure he was gone. And besides, there were still his followers to worry about, and I knew firsthand how cruel they could be.

It takes me a second to realize who the man in front of me is, but when I do, shock hits me.

"Remus? Remus Lupin?" I ask, even though this man looks much older, older even than what I calculate is Remus' current age. His genuine sad smile confirms my suspicions.

"Yes, you remember."

"Of course I do," I reply softly, even as confusion fills me. I have not seen Remus in years, so long ago, that when I have thought of him, it has always been of a young sandy-haired boy with old eyes. Much has happened since then, and pain does age one on the outside as well as on the inside.

"Can I come in?" he asks.

"Are you looking for Emmeline? She doesn't live here anymore."

"No, I wanted to speak to you Charlotte." There is an apology already written on his face warning me that this will not be a pleasant conversation.

"Right then, come along." He does so, and I lead him to the sitting room. We sit in sullen silence for a minute, and just when I begin to break it, he goes to do the same. We both stop, and look at one another with the same nervous smile. He clears his throat a bit, though I make no offer of water like a good hostess. I want to know why he is here, and as soon as possible.

"It's strange, you know. I remember talking to you quite often at Hogwarts. I'd almost say we were friends, study partners at the very least. But you're a stranger now, because I am not that same girl I was then, so I know that you are not that same boy. However, you may be frank with me, I am not Emmeline." He nods in agreement, and for a moment I see fear at the thought of Emmeline's temper.

"I take it you've heard. It's been some time after all." Of course, I should have known someone besides my sister would talk to me about him. Though my faith in the Order greatly decreases in the time it has taken for someone to come. It has been almost a year, an entire Hogwarts year at least.

"This is about Sirius Black then? I haven't seen him, though heaven knows why you'd think he would contact me." I say his name like it is a stranger, like I did not know him once in another life.

"Well I-," he starts but I immediately interrupt him.

"I don't think I'm in danger if this is what this is about." I want him to leave, and now. I don't need reminders of that life I left.

"No, I don't think you're in any danger. And I most certainly don't think Sirius would ever hurt you." He says it with such certainty that I believe he thinks he is convincing me. I don't need convincing.

"He never committed those crimes, I have never believed that. So you see, I do not think of Sirius as a dangerous man. I know you believe he betrayed Lily and James all those years ago, but he didn't." Their names are foreign on my tongue, said so long ago, that my mouth has forgotten how to form them together. They were just Lily and just James when I knew them. Now they are forever Lily and James.

"I know." I'm surprised at his admission and the sadness in which he says it. "I should have never believed it myself. I was a fool, and I hope one day he can forgive me. But how have you always been so sure? There was so much evidence."

Suddenly a long ago night comes back to me, and I am in Hogwarts again standing with two lost brothers. The dark mark, the damp feelings of the dungeons, and the coldness of the moment far outweighing the coldness of the night surround me. It all comes back, nauseating me and bringing up feelings I have long tried to suppress. Most of all I remember Sirius' eyes filled with disappointment, sadness, and a great anger, that I knew mirrored my own. One look into those eyes, and you would know that he would never have joined them.

"I just know," is what I tell Remus, however. "Emmeline knew too."

"It seems you both knew him better than I did. I'm glad someone did at least." He straightens up and I can tell he is going to finally make his point. "Whatever I say here today cannot be shared with anyone else. It is of the utmost importance that you never repeat what I have to say." I nod, and that is all he needs. He knows that I am the greatest secret keeper of all.

"I have seen Sirius." My eyes lock with his, and I hang on every word. "He's in hiding with the Order now. We all know he didn't betray Lily and James. Emmeline has seen him as well."

"Then why isn't she here talking to me?" I am suspicious now, and curse myself for not realizing that from the beginning he was here to ask something of me.

"She would not agree to it." He looks straight at me, the amber specks in his eyes crystal clear to me. "He wants to see her."

"No," I say immediately. "Absolutely not."

"They're family, he should be able to-,"

"Get out." I'm up in an instant, and I grab his sleeve to pull him up as well. "Get out of my house now." He quickly stands, pleading with me to calm down. I'm already dragging him to the front door, feeling nothing but my anger. I whip the door open and push him in front of me. "Do not come back here."

"Please Charlie," he says, calling me a nickname I haven't heard in many years. It does nothing to weaken my resolve, and I go to slam the door in his face. Our eyes connect in a moment, and I see the dread he feels in telling a man who has been locked up for more than thirteen years that I have refused him.

I'm shaking too much to fully understand what I'm doing as I lock the door, and rush to my bedroom. I collapse on the bed, a mess of shivers and tears. I have held the sobs back for so long now, that I feel relief at their release. A rush of anger hits me, and I wonder how Remus could dare to come to my house and make such a request. Just as fast as the anger comes, it leaves, and I am left with realization that I am not angry at his request. I am angry at the ripple effect this request will cause. I am afraid of the long story I have kept locked away in a wooden box with a spider's web carved on top. I will have to tell this story to her, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to. I used to be strong, and though Emmeline tells me I am even stronger, I feel weaker inside.

I tightly close my eyes and picture him before me. If I ignore the longing, he will soothe me. Hogwarts surrounds me, and there he is, reaching towards me, a secretive smile playing on his lips. My heartbeat quickens, and just for a second, I remember what it feels like to be in love, and not heartbroken. It is worth the pain that comes afterwards.