Hi guys :)

I know it's been long time, I had honestly given up on this fic (i'm ashamed to say) after receiving a lovely bit of hate mail, apparently I insulted the entire show by suggesting Dean may have thought of leaving Sam in the hospital to look for Cas blah blah blah*shrug* oh well...anyway I was reading over the reviews so far and some of you are absolutely wonderful people!

so I decided to start writing this again for you guys and those 10 amazing people following :) as for that one message, screw it, I'm writing because I want to and if you don't like it don't read it :) though if you don't like it please let me know why and I'll always do my best to change it, constructive criticism is always welcome! and if you do like it, please tell me, it's people like you who keep me writing!

Fallen's Child asked in a review whether Sam or Cas would get to read these letters when dean wasnt there, I knew that I wanted to do that eventually but after the season 9 finale I think them reading the letters (Cas especially) is sort of needed (what does everyone else think?) as I said I will be writing along with season 9 though some episodes may not have their own chapter and others may have 2, depending on how much angst there is :D And I was thinking that maybe during season 10 Cas could write some letters to Dean...

anyways here's chapter 3, enjoy! xx

Cas,

This is turning out to be tougher than I thought it'd be. I'm seriously gonna get whiplash from all of this. One minute I'm talking to Sam then without warning, Zeke's there, half the time I wonder who I'm really talking to, it's like some insane version of Jekyl and Hyde.

How can Sammy not know what's going on?

And how am I supposed to know that Zeke's not just taking over, he's in Sam's head, what if he's just screwing with us? Damn it, I don't know any more.

Kevin's okay by the way, he was completely freaked when we got back here; Nearly shot me with a cross bow (I really need to teach the kid how to aim properly) seriously though, a crossbow I ask you! There's a whole armoury of weapons to choose from and he picks up a freakin' bow and arrow.

Jesus, what goes on in that boys head? I thought he was supposed to be a genius.

Apparently the bunker went on auto lock down when the angels fell, no power or anything, kid thought it was the apocalypse. Then again, maybe it is, wouldn't be the first time.

On the subject of being alone, we've moved Crowley to the dungeon. The plan, is to get as much good out of having him as our prisoner as possible.

We asked him to give us names, of all of the demons he'd got on earth and the poor buggers they're possessing. As you can imagine he was very willing to cooperate (I'm being sarcastic Cas, maybe I should lay off the sarcasm for your benefit, I know how bad your human humour is. Basically Crowley told us no chance in Hell). So he's currently chained up in the basement.

Why's he still alive? Well, to be honest I wanted to gank the bastard outright but during the last trial, even though he didn't technically cure him Sam seems to think Crowley's got some humanity back. I'm not convinced, but I owe it to Sammy to trust him and anyway, who's more annoying than Crowley, so with him locked away with no one for company except for himself, I almost feel sorry for the SoB.

Almost.

Abaddon's giving him a run for his money though. The bitch and some of her groupies nearly got us good, she trapped a couple of hunters to bait us.

We lost one of them during the escape. Irv was a good guy, knew my Dad.

If it hadn't been for Zeke none of us would have made it out at all.

It almost cost us Sammy to though. Zeke had to take over and when Sam came back to, he was...confused. If I hadn't made some lame ass excuse he could be dead. I don't think he really believes me, I wouldn't if I were him.

I'm not happy with this... but to be honest I'm not sure about most things right now, every turn there's more choices and each one is more difficult than the last, talking about being stuck between a rock and a hard place doesn't even scratch the surface any more. The stakes are higher and there's no safe options, no fall-backs, it's all or nothing and every way I turn there's something new waiting to trip me up.

There's no clear way any more, no easy choices and it's getting harder and harder to know what's right and what's wrong. Every path seems to be the wrong one, every decision leads towards more problems.

You know, recently I've found myself wondering if I even made it out of Hell, if this isn't all just some sick form of torture Alistair's come up with...

God...I've been spending way too much time with myself, I really need to get out more.

What I really need is to go for a drink and just relax. I don't remember the last time I did that; the last time I went out just for the hell of it or did something just because I wanted to, not because we were working a case or I'm drowning out my problems.

I'll tell you what, maybe we could go grab a drink sometime, just the two of us and we can pretend for a while that we don't have any problems, we're just two ordinary guys and we don't have to deal with angels and demons or any of that crap.

A man can dream, right?

You know what, forget it. I don't expect anything, Heaven and Hell both know I don't deserve it, not after everything I've done. All I want is my family to be safe, that's all I've ever really needed. I've lost too many people, Dad, Bobby, Ellen, Jo...I also lost you and Sam, too many times and nothing messed me up as much as losing the two of you, I can't go through that again man. I'm giving you a couple more days to get here and if you're no here by then, we're coming to get you. Look after yourself and don't do anything reckless or stupid. Just stay safe, alright? Hell, I wish you could answer me...

Dean

so I'm back, what do you think? please review

I need 3 reviews before i post the next chapter ;)

Thanks for reading so far guys you are amazing

Amber xx